GIGS, Rebound or Moving on?

[Lost Irishman]

Ok, so here’s my predicament, I really hope someone can helpand provide some knowledgeable experience. I would especially like somefeedback from Dumpers.

 

 

Please bear me with me this may be slightly drawn out, but Iwill try to summarise it.

I met my ex 2.5 years ago, whilst I was in another relationship.I had been in that relationship for 9 years and to be honest, I hadn’t beenhappy for a while. The relationship I was in naturally progressed over theyears and for me became more of convenience than anything else. . She fell pregnantand at the time I struggled to come to terms with the pregnancy as I didn’t knowwhere my head was at. We had a little girl, who is my absolute world and whom Ilove to bits and I am a very active part of her life and I absolute love being afather. However, I knew deep down I didn’t feel love for her mum and as timewent by this feeling got stronger. 2years later, I met my ex not because I was looking, they say when you leastexpect something it comes to you. We made such a connection it was like nothingI ever had before, and I’m afraid to say but I cheated.

3 months went by and I struggled with my emotions, I didn’t want to leave my daughter and I really didn’t want to hurt her mum, who is a really great person. Our families were talking about marriage etc.… But, I could not get this girl out of head.

She lived 3 hours away, however we saw each other 4 times inthe first 3 months. It was like I had met someone who really knew me for thefirst time in my life. We spoke everyday3-4 times a day as I travelled to and from work and any spare time in-between. It came to the point that I did not want to be without her so I ended my relationship.

 

 

Now, I don’t believe I had GIGS, although, looking back I can see some signs. I also took 2 months out to sort my head out before continuing the new relationship and I can now say it was the right thing to do for me. I have a loving relationship with my daughter and I couldn’t wish for a better mum for her and we get on relatively well. However, I wouldn’t see myself returning to that relationship, which makes the next part of my story harder

 

 

I entered into a fantastic relationship with my ex, we helped each other through some tough times during those first few months and became stronger for it, we fell in love very quickly but took the rest of our relationship slowly. My ex had been married previously and was divorced with 2daughters. My ex had only dated 1 person for about 8-10 months, 6 years after her divorce and I was her first serious relationship.

We built on our relationship and we both agreed that we would not introduce each other to our children until the time was right. Wewaited until we were fully committed and we gradually introduced them all a year into our relationship

Everything was going amazingly, we were unbelievably happy, I never had anybody so into me as she was. She used to talk about marriage, aboutme moving in with her all of the future stuff on a regular basis and I wantedit all too. We went away on 2 family holidays, the children all got on reallywell and we were in a fantastic place, we never argued. So, I asked her to marry me and she was overthe moon, jumping up and down and so excited. We went away for 2 weeks withjust the children and let it all sink in, we were so happy.

 

 

When we came back, I personally felt the long distance relationship needed to be sorted out and I felt it was my responsibility to do something about it. I had already been applying for jobs and I increased my search. Then a guy I knew came to me and offered me a position “working from home” with all expenses paid should I need to travel. Which gave me flexibility to see my daughter too. I accepted the job and agreed with my ex that we would gradually build up our time together over a period of 3 months so her daughters had time to adapt,with the long-term plan of me moving near her.

 

 

This is where I believe she developed GIGS…. She would wait forever before returning my texts, but then when I called she was all happy.Then other times she would be distant and moody on the telephone. She would always say, I was the best thing that happened to her, nobody has ever done the things you do for me,you melt my heart, do you think we will still be having sex like this whenwere 90 (we had amazing sex), I love you, and I miss you.

Then, as I was away, every now and again I would text I miss you and I got a reply “you’ll get overit”. I questioned it, when I was next there and she responded with, I realise how much I miss you, when I see you, if that makes sense. Wen went to a family wedding and she was telling everyone how excited she was and what she was thinking about our wedding ( I had never discussed a short engagement).

 

 

Then, all of a sudden the week of my birthday, went likethis, she text me telling me how much she was missing me and couldn’t wait tosee me and really hadn’t wanted me to leave the day before. Was upset I wasaway for my birthday and got me a card saying “my Mr right” and wrote how muchshe loved me (my ex never bought cards). She called me with her daughters theday of my birthday and sang down the phone and was sorry she wasn’t with me. 5days later she emails me and tells me that we are over and she needs toconcentrate on her daughters and not my happiness and to not to contact her.Shocked was not the word.

 

 

I tried calling, she answered and said don’t try to change my mind and it’s over, I thought I’d give her some space so I didn’t beg or plead. I went NC for 6 weeks.

I contacted her and she agreed to see me, she invited me to her house, we shared a bottle of wine and we caught up with each other, we were very comfortable with each other. In fact she commented, “This is really nice”. She admitted on the night that she felt I was giving everything up for her and she felt pressured and didn’t want to be the sole reason for my happiness. She spent her married life just looking after her husband. After we chatted, I suggested id leave, even though it was nice, I got up to go and we hugged, I eventually pulled away and her eyes filled up and she said I really want to kiss you. I said I think you need to think things through and I didn’t believe kissing would help either of us. I personally felt at the time we could get this back and she needed to just come to terms with things.

We kept in contact regularly up to Christmas via text, and Icalled her at Christmas and she was genuinely very pleased to hear from me “it’s really nice to hear your voice”.

 

 

Just after New Year, I contacted her too see if she would bewilling to meet up for a catch up and she replied with “I’m moving on and youshould too, I think we need to cut all contact”. I figured she has probablybeen partying and dating and probably was enjoying herself, I was too so I told her ok.

 

 

I checked in a month later and we exchanged a couple of nice texts. So I left it a week or so and text again and then she just replied “I’m in a relationship now and I don’t think it’s appropriate that we should be texting”. I replied calmly, oh ok, I take its serious? How long? I hope you and the girls are being looked after and I’m happy for you. She replied “yes we are very happy, 3 months and it’s serious. I hope you are happy too.” I wished her all the best for the future and passed on my regards to her daughters.

 

 

The part that bugs meabout all this is 1) she is calling it a “Serious relationship” we didn’t put a name on our relationship until at least 6/7 months in. What defines serious 3 months in? How is getting into another relationship concentrating on her daughter’s wellbeing?

 

 

And 2) rightly or wrongly she started this relationship 3 months following our breakup. The reason this bugs me is I know her past relationship pattern and it goes like this. :

 

• 1st Serious Boyfriend – Long Term
  
• Single 1 year – Meets husband – LTR
  
• Gets divorced – Single 6.5 years
  
• Introduced through friends to a guy, first relationshipsince divorce- 6-8 months ( he never met her family or children)
  
• Single 10- 12 months
  
• Meets me – long term relationship – 2 years – engaged– first man she ever introduced her children too.
  
• Single 3 months – Then enters a “ serious relationship”for 3 months plus
  

So you see, she does not date around or go into relationships lightly,however when she does they do tend to last for a period of time. However, the time she was single between our relationship is very short compared to all the others.

 

 

So, is this a rebound, (its lasted 3 months) is it GIGS ? Or something else… Completely moved on? Im out of sight out of mind?

 

 

By the way, she is 38 and im 35.

Ive come along way in 6 months and to be honest, Im not sure I would take her back. Im just tried to understand her actions

Edited April 6, 2016 by Lost Irishman

[PegNosePete]

Look, Mr. Lost Irishman.

 

You need to let go of all these questions you have.

 

She has let you know exactly where you stand. The relationship is over and she doesn't want to remain in contact any longer.

 

Your obsession with getting to the bottom of it, with questioning her motivations and analyzing her new relationship, are going to lead you to nothing except more heartache.

 

You need to let it go... it doesn't matter whether her new relationship is a rebound or serious or GIGS or a fish in pajamas. The fact is that your relationship is over and what she does now, is up to her. You're not her mum, or her keeper. She is a grown adult and makes her own decisions.

 

Now you need to go NC, and don't break it, ever.

[Lost Irishman]

I agree with your comments whole heartedly and I believed I was in that position. Then she told me she was in this “ relationship” and it set me back further in myr ecovery.

Your right I am completely over analysing this new relationship to the point of looking for reasons it would succeed or fail. Almost trying to convince myself, if you believe you will see opportunities, if you don’t you will see obstacles ,unfortunately, this is sending me into a downward spiral of negative emotions.

I was reading a number of “ ex-girlfriend recovery” books and they really helped me up to the point where it comes to getting herback, hence me trying again to re-establish contact.

I can see now that me doing this is almost giving her a safety net and a boost to her ego , resulting perhaps in emotional support while she enjoys her new relationship. Your right, she doesn’t want contact

I still have strong feelings for her and would never want bad things for her, but I need to let go, I need to move on, I need to forgive but not forget, so as to learn and grow

]I have once again deleted all contact from my life, thistime hopefully for good. If she getsback in touch so be it , however I am a different person and I believe theconversation would be one sided .

[mightycpa]

Rebound? No, you got tossed, she didn't. Therefore, moving on. GIGS? Maybe, maybe not. Your GIGS question is likely predicated on the assumption that if it is GIGS, when she finds out the grass is the same color everywhere, she'll come running back. The fact is: she won't. If the grass is the same color everywhere, then there's no reason to go back.

 

Accept it and move on.

[mamabear32018]

It can be so hard to understand why we do what we do, and then trying to figure out what someone else did and why they did it is even harder. I'm sorry you're finding yourself in this position.