Innocence lost

[Lekan1987]

Hi, I'm currently single since I ended my relationship with my ex-girlfriend.

It's been 18 months and though I like to tell myself that I have gotten over her because now I don't just break down and cry on a daily basis and can get work done.

But I still get depressed and wander off in thought for hours. I have sat down and thought countless times if I had made the right decision to end that relationship, it was first and only real relationship I've ever had.

 

I am 29 yrs old now and I had met her in 2012 when I was 25. I had just left home and relocated to South Africa in search of greener pastures.I met her through a friend who she was visiting alongside her sister.

So there was four of us in my apartment. All the while during the visit, I could tell she really wasn't about clubbing but was led on by her sister because she wasn't saying much but was listening most of the time. Her sister was more outspoken and outgoing.

Being quite a shy person and also because my friend had told me she was his interest, I hadn't spoken to her the entire visit. i only spoke generally in the conversation but not to her directly.

I was attracted to her for that reason because she was easy going, gentle and not assertive. I am saying all these so you get an idea of her personality.

 

I am going to say a lot of other things that might seem irrelevant to the topic but it's all so you gain more understanding.

My elder sister and I grew up in an uncles house with his wife and kids.

We were constantly maltreated (me in particular) and had no say or freedom for 11years. I have a few everlasting scars on my body from the period I lived with my uncle. This was between 1993 and 2004.

It was as if he had only taken us in so he could say he took care of his brothers kids. There was no love, none whatsoever.

Hence I grew up keeping a lot of things inside and didn't have much experience at so many things like other kids.

My parents were separated since I was a baby cos I have no memories of them together. I only have faint memories of living with various relatives before I was 7.

 

 

I grew up to be a somewhat shy person I think because I wasn't socially experienced growing up.

School was the only get-away I had from a life of torture and abuse. While other kids hated school and loved holidays, mine was just the opposite.

In my final year of high school, my dad returned from the U.S where he had been in jail and then took my sister and I back to meet our mum.

I attended university but dropped out before I could get my degree. This was due to the hardship at the time, I lost my dad in 2006 which made matters worse and I couldn't even afford public transport back and forth from school.

 

So after that day at my house, a few days later, she sent me a text and I wondered how she had gotten my number.

She said her sister gave her the numbers and so on. So we got talking and I invited her over a few weeks later.

It was supposed to be a one night stand or a casual visit with no strings attached but when I saw her again, I fell all over again, I can't describe why

but she just felt right for me and I could have gone ahead and just had sex with her but I asked her to be my girlfriend because I always wanted her to be around me.

It was a very genuine feeling and I had never asked anyone out before then. Even she couldn't believe it until after that night and it was real.

A few nights later, I had gotten into her phone just to be sure what I had gotten myself into, I read a couple of her chats and saw that she had been flirting with another of my friend just before she met me.

She was basically offering herself to this person as she had sent nude photos and the guy didn't even appear interested. I talked to her about it and said I know your life before me doesn't matter but how is it that you were throwing yourself at someone who didn't even want you.

I let it but was baffled as to how someone could be basically begging a guy with nude photos of herself.

 

The relationship blossomed and we were both happy and enjoyed each others company. We were always together.

Eventually she got another job in the same city as me and moved out of home for the first time. She moved in temporarily with me while we were house hunting

for her and eventually she was settled in her apartment, with her own job and her own car.

 

We were always happy together and everyone around us could see it, even though I didn't know then what made people stare at us so much but I know now.

I was happy and I know she was so happy. It was a wonderful feeling because it was the first time someone was so happy to have me in their life.

With her I didn't care about anyone else, my friends came second and everything else.

 

Now living close to each other, she got very insecure seeing all the girls that I was surrounded by in social circles.

We started having fights and quarrels and arguments when she had gone through my phone and had found me cheating a few times.

Indeed I did cheat but it was very rarely unlike every other person I know and used to get mad and say she had nothing to worry about. I never admitted and always apologized.

I don't know how to describe it but she didn't have a mind of her own.

She liked to be led and in social circles she didn't want to seem like a novice. She always wanted to be accepted.

She wasn't a confident person at all and had a very low self esteem. All this then fueled with insecurity, she often felt like any girl at all would snatch me from her. I always denied the accusations and wondered how is it that she would even be threatened by this girls. I know now that It was only natural that I cheated then because almost everything was new to me. Not as if it is an excuse to cheat but I had hardly had flings before I met her.

 

I on the other hand didn't have social experience but I wasn't a 'sheep' in social circles.

I was very very confident in myself, almost to a fault. My friends just sort of knew that i liked to do things my way.

Not to sound boastful, but I have an above average mind and I do a lot of thinking and reasoning. My friends often said I see things from another perspective. When I look into the mirror I see a grown man but it feels like my soul didn't grow up. I feel like a child inside. (Don't know if it makes any sense)

 

2 years into the relationship, I don't know what made me suspect or can't remember but I went into her phone and I found she had been having a conversation with another guy. The conversation didn't say much but I could tell she was no stranger to this person. the person had said "hey you are been a stranger this days, anyway we are at Newscafe. Are you coming?" and then she had replied "I'll let you know"

I was shocked and in disbelief and I went cold throughout my body. I noticed I was shivering and couldn't stop.

She was asleep then, So I made up my mind not to say anything and instead investigate more. After about 2 days, I couldn't hold it anymore and suddenly asked her

who it was she was chatting with. She wanted to deny but when I repeated word for word what was on her phone. She said he's nobody, it's just someone from work.

I already knew she was lying and could see it right there and then. I broke up with her that morning and I could just see she was scared and fidgeting, even though she hadn't admitted she was having an affair. She went to work and I was completely useless for the day. I felt sick because even though she had denied, I could see it all over her that she was guilty as sin. I cried and drank and slept and didn't get out of bed all day. I knew my fairytale world had just ended.

I often told her then that she was the only family i had alongside my mother and sister. I didn't have anyone else.

 

I used to watch in movies how wrecked people became when it came to heartbreak. I used to think it was all dramatization but it happened to me.

I couldn't do anything, I didn't even want to bath or leave the house. She called and texted throughout the whole week and I thought I had my mind made up.

After a week , I let her come through and she begged me even more and as angry as I was, I was happy to see her again even though I didn't show it.

I forgave her based on trying to believe that maybe she wasn't guilty and I was over reacting even though I almost knew that she must have been sleeping with the guy.

 

That night she slept at mine and while she was sleeping. I checked her phone for the number, she had deleted it or so it appeared. I then remembered that I had the number on my phone during the course of investigating her. I dialed the number on her phone and her best friends name popped up on the screen. I was shocked again! and I woke her up and asked her whose number is this. She was speechless! She had not deleted it, but saved the number in her friends name.

 

All that happened after that is the time since we have been apart and it's been almost 2 years.

I have been shattered and not the same again since then. For many months after then I went through different stages of heartbreak.

I pleaded with her countless times to come out clean but she never did. Countless times. I reasoned with her.

I asked here countless "last times". She kept saying it got no where and the guy was just asking her out. She kept telling me that am I willing to let go of us just because of a suspicion.

I loved her so much and as sure as I was that she was cheating, she was right. It was just a suspicion.

So I was caught in a dilemma for 2 years. I just needed her to own up and then we could take it from there.

I wanted to know for sure what I was dealing with first before forgiveness. I couldnt possibly erase or forget.

Let me take this time to point out and say that your partner denying the obvious is one of the worst things that could happen to anyone.

 

She held on for that long probably thinking that i would eventually come back to her out of doubt.

I really needed her but as much as I did she gave me indescribable pain. I tried to take her back for a few days when it had just ended then.

I was just moody and angry and not able to talk to her what I really felt anymore. But being around her still made me feel better than anything could make me feel.

It was torture, the one person that made me feel good and confident and care less about the world was also making me boil.

 

I couldn't kiss her anymore, I couldn't hug her anymore.

I just felt better when she was with me than when I was alone.

She eventually owned up a few months ago when I invited her over but everyday of the time since I first found out till when she owned up,

she had been killing whatever was left of the trust. I felt if she had made 1 mistake, the best thing she could do was to own up.

that would have made me feel some sort of respect that she had for me at least. i often told her you can't keep me with a lie, but she probably was been advised by whoever not to ever own up. Every denial made me see how far she had drifted from me. It was like she belonged to someone else.

 

I do know for a fact that she loved me and I love her.

But i think it is a lost cause b'cos she cant make me feel secure again like I was.

Probably if she had confessed at that time, I might have gone back to her at least fully knowing all the cards at play.

But she held on for so long thinking that "what if" was going to be enough to bring me back.

I am worried that I might never find someone to love me like that again or someone that I would love blindly like that again because I was nothing when I met her, I had barely started to be a man and she loved me like that. We experienced a whole lot of things together for the first time.

 

I know she's a loyal girl but that low self esteem and that non confident part and gullible personality of her leaves her vulnerable to many things in the future.

I remember I said a lot of times in the relationship that she would let something bad happen to us one day but I never dreamt that it would be cheating.

The loyalty that she had was too great to let me even think that she might cheat. it is only now that i understand that she is loyal but she constantly needs me to be there to tell her what to do. I also understand how and why it is that she drifted. It is something about her character.

 

 

I am writing this, so maybe others can see what i am not seeing or give me advise because I still have feelings for her but trying to overcome them.

I know her to a fault and knows that she loves and feels safe with me. But also I don't want to waste 1 more day on something that's not going to last forever.

[Toodaloo]

2 years into the relationship, I don't know what made me suspect or can't remember but I went into her phone and I found she had been having a conversation with another guy.

 

I almost knew that she must have been sleeping with the guy.

 

I checked her phone for the number, she had deleted it or so it appeared. I then remembered that I had the number on my phone during the course of investigating her. I dialed the number on her phone and her best friends name popped up on the screen. I was shocked again! and I woke her up and asked her whose number is this. She was speechless! She had not deleted it, but saved the number in her friends name.

 

I know she's a loyal girl

 

I remember I said a lot of times in the relationship that she would let something bad happen to us one day but I never dreamt that it would be cheating.

 

The loyalty that she had was too great...

 

Her loyalty to whom exactly? It certainly wasn't to you.

 

She was hiding some other guy.

 

You have got a really skewed version of your old relationship going on in your head.

 

Time to come back to reality and out of Disneyland...

 

Perhaps when you do it will be easier.

[Lekan1987]

Toodaloo

 

Thanks for your reply, it feels a bit comforting to know that I wasn't judging too harshly all this while. I am just trying to see if it's just me or the relationship isn't worth going back to.

[Buddhist]

Honey you can't let go because of this.....

 

Who you thought she was, wasn't who she was. You were in a relationship with a fantasy of her while she was off doing whatever. The shock of discovering you never really knew the one person you loved the most, is horrendous. It happened to me too and I'm 5yrs on and still not able to get over it. In fact I developed PTSD as a result.

 

You need to find closure on this, not continue on harbouring feelings and wishing what if, and wondering if you made the right choice. You need to see her as she really is, not who you want her to be. Because she will never be that....

 

The sooner you finish up grieving her and realising that it was never going to go any other way, the less chance you will develop a mental illness out of this. You owe it to yourself to move on.

[Toodaloo]

Your post is long and flowery but when you break it down its really basic.

 

She is not for you.

 

We have all been there and we all have the t shirts with matching caps... some of us even have the hoodie!

 

Only thing to do is realise that no one is perfect. She certainly wasn't. So take her off the pedal stool and read what you wrote back to yourself with out the flowery bits.

 

It wasn't so good and wasn't so great. Its OK to have happy memories and not hold any hard feelings but you are romanticising it all a bit too much.

 

Get with reality and it will be easier. Always has been for me.

[sandylee1]

Why did you cheat on her?

 

Perhaps she decided loyalty wasn't that important to you after that. When one partner cheats... I personally think it's easier for the other to cheat as well.

 

With all the cheating... maybe you're just not meant to be together.

[Satu]

You are grieving the loss of something that only ever existed in your mind.

[clia]

I had a hard time following your flowery post, but you admit to cheating on her many times with many different people, but couldn't handle her cheating on you once? That doesn't seem very fair, does it? You established that fidelity was not important. She "drifted" because you drifted. It's on you as much as it is on her.

[Pollyannaslim]

Gosh, I am so sorry you’re hurting. You certainly have been through a lot while growing up! I do understand heart ache! I am wondering if you have taken an opportunity to talk with someone who can help you get through this. If you haven’t already done so, would you consider visiting with a counselor or even a pastor? It may even be an opportunity to talk about your past and what part – if any, it plays in your present. They can really help you sort everything out and guide you in a positive direction. Do not be dismayed, my friend. You will find contentment and joy.

 

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9 NIV

 

 

-P