Half a year of lies

[Pompom]

So 2 days ago, I got dumped after 6 months of "I love you, I accept you with all your loose screws, your dark side is funny, here, have the keys to my place and meet my family".

Because I yelled at a stranger. A stranger stomping on my legal property and then violently attacking me. For that, he turns the past 6 months of my one-time life into a farce and all the good memories into humiliation. Doesn't even have the decency to delete shared memories/posts/pictures from Facebook.

"I'm sorry but I'm too afraid you might do that to me" - do what? Yell at you if you abuse me and my stuff? Yeah. I might. Anyone might.

Mister Wholesome, Mister Alternative Medicine, Mister Zen, dumps the person he claims to love for yelling abuse in the face of physical assault. Which he did nothing to stop, by the way. The other guy was raging at me so bad, he was literally crimson, spitting, his eyes moist, and it took 3 men to hold him off my throat. While "boyfriend" stood aside and watched. I was gonna let that slide, but can't afford to yell at someone?

 

This was my first real relationship in 32 years and it was going somewhere good, but I do what 99% of Israelis do - heat up and cuss - and it becomes a lie? A few days ago, when I apologized (for what?) and asked him not to dump me, he promised me he won't. Three days ago, we had a talk about the incident and he got all snuggly, so I asked if we're good. Yeah he says, we're good, and come meet more of my family this weekend! The next day, he abandons me more easily than other people abandon a dog.

 

He even tried to dump it on my bipolar disorder, saying I have no control over myself and that "scares" him. Tried to make me doubt my sanity. I'm on meds and they're working, thank you very much, that fight I got in was me being a temporary bitch and the other guy reacting like HE needs meds. Sane people around here do that. A lot. People here invoke your mother's privates over coupon rejections. But hey, why not make the loser feel deserving of the hurt? Gas-lighting, lovely!

 

I sent him a message how hurt and humiliated and robbed of part of my precious lifetime I feel by how easily he throws me, us, in the trash, and he ignored it. He read it and ignored it. Too busy sharing geeky stuff on Facebook I suppose. Because when you dump someone that easily, they never meant sh-t to you in the first place. Otherwise there'd be a message like, "Are you okay". With all the proud bragging about me, introducing me to his entourage, movies, dinners, buying special treats for my special-needs dog, flowers, planning to fly to visit my Mum and old friends with me, I guess all that was just him paying me in naturals for being his show-off escort girl so he doesn't feel like the odd geek out when he has dinner with his friends and siblings and their spouses...

 

I give him until Sunday, when he comes back from family reunion. They all really liked me and may convince him to give me the 2nd chance I deserve (that said, am I just desperate, 33 and fat, to give him one?). If not, I'll take all the silly gifts he gave me, broken obviously in hopes for him to hurt at least a little bit because I don't deserve to be the only one hurting here, and leave them at his door along with his keys. Perhaps a note, "Feel free to re-gift to your new toy you probably already bedded". Seriously, had I known I'm just his temp ho, I would've told him, no gifts, cash only. Can't pay bills with flowers.

 

Seriously, in those 6 months, I could have gotten back with my way hotter and better-in-bed ex, and I was fending off the stubborn advances of a pet-loving super model. I could have found something real, or left the country for guaranteed better shores, and wasted it all on someone who puts me out with the garbage over so little.

 

And this was the only one who ever even pretended to be for real. Statistically, I'm unlikely to ever find true love and a lasting relationship with children before my uterus dries up, and a family is all I never had and ever wanted. I should just kill myself right now, but then who'll take care of my pets who, other than my Mum, are seriously the only ones I can count on for a hug? And anyway, I can't do anything while she's alive, not again, she don't deserve that. Once she's gone I got no more support system and nobody to feel bummed about not having me around. Well, she and the pets. I'm done living a life of disappointment, lies, betrayal and all the other punishments one gets for being trusting and giving. Which are the requirements to get anything good, too. So I can never be sure I've found the real deal. Always have to suffer doubts and be punished for that as well for tust. Nope, senseless. Not doing that anymore.

[hippychick3]

Reading through your post, all I could think about was HOW could he just stand there and allow you to be attacked without interfering in some way??

 

I think I would be the one to dump a boyfriend who would not attempt to protect me from someone physically attacking me.

[Pompom]

Reading through your post, all I could think about was HOW could he just stand there and allow you to be attacked without interfering in some way??

 

I think I would be the one to dump a boyfriend who would not attempt to protect me from someone physically attacking me.

 

I thought about that, because, excellent point. Except, unlike him, I treasured our relationship too much as to throw it out like I throw out kitty litter over one f*ck-up. Hey, I bet if I was cute, he'd have let it slide. And beat the attacker into next Tuesday. I f*cked up that day. Bigtime. I started that fight by running my dumb mouth. And I suffered the whole week since then, hoping he'd forget about it and we're not over. I was sincerely remorseful and ashamed, a rare feat. I don't expect a pat on the back for it, but a second chance, you know, like the second chance violent criminals usually get after their sentence. But I - gasp - yelled at a guy.

[Els]

Is this the incident mentioned at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/575286-can-aspgerger-s-stop-one-interfering ? I think you are attempting to spin a slightly different yarn here.

 

Anyway, it doesn't come as a surprise to me. From reading your posts, I don't think it was restricted to just this incident - the anger and aggression is really palpable in everything you write, so I would be surprised if you had reined it in during the rest of the 6 months. I suspect that this incident was just the straw that broke the camel's back. I'm sorry for your loss, but I would sincerely recommend anger/aggression management therapy.

Edited April 6, 2016 by Elswyth

[Zahara]

So 2 days ago, I got dumped after 6 months of "I love you, I accept you with all your loose screws, your dark side is funny, here, have the keys to my place and meet my family".

 

This was my first real relationship in 32 years and it was going somewhere good, but I do what 99% of Israelis do - heat up and cuss -

 

He even tried to dump it on my bipolar disorder, saying I have no control over myself and that "scares" him. Tried to make me doubt my sanity. I'm on meds and they're working, thank you very much, that fight I got in was me being a temporary bitch

 

Bigtime. I started that fight by running my dumb mouth.

 

Pompom, I mean no disrespect. But there is also another side of this story in that just maybe you do have an anger problem -- judging from the pieces that you posted.

 

Is this just the one incident when you've reacted this way -- I have to question why he would then say, "I accept you with all your loose screws, your dark side is funny" as well as the rest of the bolded.

 

All I am saying is that there maybe more to this story, in that there's his version of why this isn't working for him. Zero points for him not protecting you during the fight, but the rest paints a picture of two people with very different personalities.

 

My ex was a hothead. Very much the opposite of me. I tend to step away from trouble or conflict. We've been in situations where he's lost it and it drained and grated on me. There were times I felt stressed by his anger/moods and the need to step away from him. I can't speak for him but I can tell you that some people don't deal well with those types of situations. Maybe it just wasn't that one incident that made him want to walk away. Like I said, there's two sides to the story, actually three -- his, hers and the truth.

 

I hope you aren't serious about suicide and that it's just your hurt talking. I'm sorry you are hurting.

Edited April 6, 2016 by Zahara

[Pompom]

Is this the incident mentioned at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/575286-can-aspgerger-s-stop-one-interfering ? I think you are attempting to spin a slightly different yarn here.

 

Anyway, it doesn't come as a surprise to me. From reading your posts, I don't think it was restricted to just this incident - the anger and aggression is really palpable in everything you write, so I would be surprised if you had reined it in during the rest of the 6 months. I suspect that this incident was just the straw that broke the camel's back. I'm sorry for your loss, but I would sincerely recommend anger/aggression management therapy.

It wasn't. There were no previosu straws. I got nothing to manage. That was ONE isolated incident. Anyone who claims they never got loud and angry, is a liar. What you read here before is irrelevant. People change. I met him after I changed.

 

All I am saying is that there maybe more to this story, in that there's his version of why this isn't working for him. Zero points for him not protecting you during the fight, but the rest paints a picture of two people with very different personalities.

 

No it was just that incident. The other loose screws are evil humour he shares, sarcasm he also loves, and overall life experience. He always expressly said that was cool with him and he was glad I had those "scratches" because it meant to him that I'm more accepting and not easy to offend.

The only difference in our personalities seems to be poor money management on my side and that I don't smile and nod politely while I'm being attacked.

[Els]

It wasn't. There were no previosu straws. I got nothing to manage. That was ONE isolated incident. Anyone who claims they never got loud and angry, is a liar. What you read here before is irrelevant. People change. I met him after I changed.

 

 

Are you sure? This was your response to someone who was attempting to help you in that thread:

 

[]

 

Someone got offended by misunderstanding something I said, and started assaulting my property, then me, physically, and I cussed him out as a result. It is never, under any circumstances, "poor behaviour" to retaliate against severe physical violence with a few generic swear words, certainly not in this country. []

 

I never went "back in" anywhere. I was at the exact same spot at all times. He was dragged aside, I flipped him off at that point, and HE was the one who returned to attack me once more as if I deserve being beaten bloody for retaliating against violence by showing a finger. []

 

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 29th March 2016 at 6:52 AM..

Reason: violations of civility and respect redacted ~6

And that's the redacted version even...

 

Look, it's okay. We all have our demons. I have mine. But admitting that you have a problem is the first step to addressing it.

[angel.eyes]

So, he broke up with you over one incident that you deem "minor" in which you feel your behavior with this random guy was pretty appropriate?

 

Whatever the precise facts, the bottom line is, you clearly have different views and values. For him, those differences meant you're incompatible. Dating is about figuring out whether someone is right for you. He's realized that you aren't right for each other. The vast majority of people we date won't be right for us.

[Zahara]

"So, after 30+ years I'm finally in a real relationship. Technically he's perfect. He adores and accepts me the way I am and we have all the things in common that are important to me. I love spending time together. I genuinely enjoy his company.

But I hardly manage to look at him. It's not that he's ugly, he is just so far removed from my type I consider sex a task to get over with because he's so great to me. I just find him unattractive and I know that's me, not him."

 

but I also don't want to lose a guy who is otherwise the perfect match and the first to come along in 30 years which means statistically I will die alone if not with this one.

 

To me, there is simply no joy to the thought of being stuck with a person when they don't raise my blood pressure

 

I never thought I could be unfaithful, but yesterday an attractive guy just walked up and asked for my number and without thinking, I gave it to him. And I'm sure he'd make a sh*t boyfriend and a crappy choice to lose my current boyfriend over. I just don't know what to do.

 

This was from your thread in December. This was a blessing for you because if there was ever a lie, it would have been you staying in a relationship that wasn't fulfilling for you. Him walking away was something you couldn't do for yourself.

 

In any case, I hope all this pushes you into self-reflection.

[Els]

I want to add that the statistics is a bit flawed - 30 years includes your time as a toddler and a child, which I would hope most people do not have bfs/gfs during! Also I don't think the past necessarily predicts the future. I think if you worked on the anger, you might well find a compatible partner fairly soon.

[amaysngrace]

Hey PomPom sorry to hear about this guy making you fend for yourself and not having your back.

 

And then holding it against you as if you were the one in the wrong? Maybe he's just having a hard time dealing with his own inadequacies in that situation so he's projecting that onto you.

 

Give him the weekend but make sure you decide if he is strong enough to be your man because it doesn't sound like that's necessarily so.

 

Chin up girlie.

[ExpatInItaly]

Based on your previous thread and description of your wandering eye, I don't get what the problem is here. You weren't that invested in this relationship anyway.

 

And never, ever allow your family to try to convince someone to give you a second chance. Keep your dignity and walk away.

 

It sounds to me you got your ego bruised more than anything.

[mamabear32018]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Sounds like a scary situation that you were in. It's a shame that your boyfriend didn't stand up for you. Thinking of you as you move forward.