Bluemug Posted April 6, 2016 Posted April 6, 2016 Hello all, been a good while since I've visited! I've now been with my boyfriend for a year and we ended up Moving in together in January of this year. For the most part it was great, until my parents had a major meltdown and accused him Of being with me for my money (I'm actually broke so where this came from I don't know!). It hurt him a lot and he has since refused their apologies and turned down opportunities to meet up and talk it through. I've tried to communicate stuff from them but he doesn't want to hear it, and now wants to Move out ( it's my house). Their concerns reflect none of my own and until that day, I was super happy. Yesterday we went to a spa and he revealed that he's worried about us, how he's afraid we might become more like friends as sometimes this is what it feels like at home. Then he said "this is the most normal relationship I've been in, I'm too used to drama". Seriously - I don't cheap, scream, manipulate and this is against me? He's going to work away later this year on a very long project and he believes this will break us up. I suggested that if this is his thought track, we might as well end it now and save us both. Of course, rejected this, suggested we need to be more spontaneous, have fun, more sex (I'm poorly at moment, not high on list). What do I do now? Friends say I should just see what happens
FlipMonkey Posted April 6, 2016 Posted April 6, 2016 I'd be interested to know if his previously relationships have been emotionally abusive? I'm in a similar place - my first proper relationship was very passionate, but she would throw things at me, have a tantrum etc when she didn't get her way (only afterwards I understood this to be physically abusive) and my last one was powerful, exciting, but emotionally abusive (she would be very sneaky with manipulation, lies, withholding intimacy (emotional and physical) and a few others things). It seems that the drama can be attractive for me, but it has also left me somewhat damaged which I'm working through now. I raise this, as I'm in a new relationship that isn't abusive, and well she's actually very supportive. And the problem is that I get the same issue - it doesn't feel that exciting and powerful and sometimes I wonder if it's that we're just good friends and not much more. I wish I could offer better advice, but I know I'm the one that's messed up and need to adjust to having a relationship that's good for me. I can only suggest allowing him to speak about the past and what he's learning in the new relationship - I know it's allowing me to grow as a person in my relationship and coming to accept what is normal and what's not. And don't be afraid to show random affection at times - the most powerful moments for me now are when my current girlfriend just comes up and kisses me for now reason, or just touches me or rubs my back randomly, only to show that she cares. And understand that it's not you that's the issue, it's the way he's been treated in the past, and that he allowed it to happen, instead of demanding better or walking away. (but don't judge him on this - the thought of walking away never crossed my mind either) 1
Author Bluemug Posted April 6, 2016 Author Posted April 6, 2016 Thank you for your reply! Thank you for sharing your experiences, it's helped to see his perspective Yes, he's been cheated on numerous times and shouted at/argued with when he has had to work away for extended periods. He often tells me that I don't respond the same way other girls did to issues - I'm fairly easy going and let it pass by. The working away thing isn't a problem for me - my dad works away a lot so I'm used to it and get good advice from my mum about dealing with it. I don't want to lose him - hopefully I can provide a good ear for when he wants to talk
PogoStick Posted April 6, 2016 Posted April 6, 2016 He might need more "love" from you. More expression, physical affection, intimacy, sex. Some women (and men) aren't good at doing these things and so the partner feels it's more like they are hanging out with friends. On the other side, maybe he's just tiring of the relationship. He's not feeling it anymore like he used to and he wants out, but he sounds like a wimp about ending it. So, he's going to wait and use the natural break of working apart because he's too weak to do it himself. How old are both of you and how much previous relationship experience? And seriously, what's with the parents? Sounds like you're leaving a lot out. Why don't they like him?
Author Bluemug Posted April 6, 2016 Author Posted April 6, 2016 Hmm, I suppose I am quite shy when it comes to "physical" expressions of love. I'm not particularly touchy feely, especially around our parents who we seem to be spending every weekend with lately! We're both 28, both one serious relationship in our pasts and a few months dating here and there. My parents like him but they feel like he's quite indecisive - up until last week he was applying for other jobs nearby and looking at going back to uni. They live away from me and the few times my boyfriend me Them, he always mentions some other job or idea he has. My parents freak out and worry that he will just be very unstable. For me, at 28, I think it's good to look around and see what career options and promotions I could get. Now he's confirmed he's working on this big project this winter and signed the contract my parents seem OK. If he wants out, why couldn't he have just said yesterday? Or last night? He's got so many other options for living arrangements, it's not like he's stuck!
PegNosePete Posted April 6, 2016 Posted April 6, 2016 I've tried to communicate stuff from them but he doesn't want to hear it, and now wants to Move out It sounds like he's emotionally disconnected from the relationship. He wants to withdraw the commitment, but keep the "fun" and sex going. If he wants out, why couldn't he have just said yesterday? Or last night? Because then the sex supply would stop. It seems like the relationship's pretty much dead. Reading through this, I thought you were both much younger from the immature behaviour patterns (mostly from him!!!). At age 28, if he can't sit down and discuss his problems like a mature adult human being, then you are going to have big, big problems trying to maintain a relationship long term with this guy. If I were you, I'd end it now, and move on.
Author Bluemug Posted April 6, 2016 Author Posted April 6, 2016 Thanks Feel pretty awful about it all. I know I've done what I can - anymore and I don't think I'm true to myself. Yesterday he was talking about booking a holiday and Christmas plans. Now I think I might be finding something else to fill my time
katiegrl Posted April 6, 2016 Posted April 6, 2016 (edited) OP, I understand exactly what he is feeling and saying. He said his previous relationships were high drama. As such, lots of passion, which in his mind (and heart) equals love. Perhaps he grew up in a household with lots of drama too so this is what is familiar and perhaps even considered *normal* to him. He identifies with these emotions, as dysfunctional as they are to most people who don't need a lot of drama in their lives. High Drama (instability, shouting, fighting, high emotion) = LOVE, passion, excitement. No drama = Boring, dull, blah = friendship not romantic love. Would assume the type of person you are, that being stable, calm, rational, caring, while extremely appealing to him at first, is boring to him now, and doesn't provide him with the high drama, stimulation, and emotionally charged type of love HE personally needs to sustain a RL. If it were me, I would move on and fund a man less dysfunctional. Edited April 6, 2016 by katiegrl
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