Lottie86 Posted April 6, 2016 Posted April 6, 2016 I’ve posted here before about some issues with my boyfriend and my feelings about his relationship with his ex girlfriend. They were together 5 years (no kids) and split up nearly a year ago. She was his first relationship (he and I are in very early 30’s) and they wanted to stay friends. They rarely see each other but she calls him once a week for a chat and a catch up. He and I have had numerous talks about this and that it makes me uncomfortable but he has said that he wouldn’t get back with her, doesn’t love her and is committed to me and our relationship. We had an argument last week because I saw that he was checking her Facebook page regularly and called him out on it (I don’t check his phone, he was showing me something on Facebook and her name was his last search. He said he checks her page a few times a week) He said it’s habit and re-iterated that he doesn’t love her but she was his best friend and he still cares about her and wants to be friends with her. I won’t give him an ultimatum; her or me, because he will either do it and resent me or he’ll talk to her behind my back, although he did say if I asked him to pick between us, he would pick me and us. Last night we spoke on the phone and my cat was crying in the background and he called my cat his ex girlfriends name. He realised as soon as he had done it and apologised but I made an excuse to get off the phone and we haven’t spoken since. We usually speak before bed but all I got was a text saying he was tired, which I haven’t replied to. He usually calls me in the morning before work but nothing. Part of me knows this is silly to be upset about but then the other part of me thinks that he is in the wrong and should make more of an effort to fix things. I can’t keep having this fight with him, it’s tearing us apart and ruining our relationship. I love him and want us to work but he wont give her up at this point so clearly I just need to get over it but honestly, I don’t know how. I am massively insecure and hate the thought that he is only with me because he can’t have her.
smudge21 Posted April 6, 2016 Posted April 6, 2016 His actions, what he's doing, all of it, it's hurting you and if he truly loves you he should see this and put a stop to it. Sadly he's not doing that. I know you love this guy but if you continue to allow him to treat you this way, then that's what he'll always do. Sadly at times like this we have to take a stand - you're not a pushover, you're not someone who will be treated badly, so maybe it's time to tell him exactly how you feel and what you want. As much as I firmly agree that we should all have the freedom to be friends with whoever we please, if that choice affects someone who we are in a serious relationship with, then it's clear something has to change. She's his ex, someone from his past. You're his present and possibly his future. I know what my choice would be.
Author Lottie86 Posted April 6, 2016 Author Posted April 6, 2016 He doesn't love me though. We've been together for four months and he's not in love with me "yet" He won't give her up. I already know this. He doesn't want to. And if I force him to then he either will and end up hating me for it or he'll refuse, or he'll say he will and do it behind my back. I get that she was his first relationship and that they didn't end on bad terms and want to be friends but last night when he said her name really threw me. He's apologied and said he wasn't thinking of her and it's nothing to worry about but out of all names, he said hers....(It starts with the same letter as my cat's) I don't want to break up with him and I know I'll be heartbroken if I do but I don't know how much choice I have now. I don't want to be a walkover or a mug
smudge21 Posted April 6, 2016 Posted April 6, 2016 You're clearly in love with him though and that's what matters here. His ex is still a major part of his life and if you truly believe he won't give her up, then what is the alternative. Can you be with him knowing that this is going on? Won't it only get worse? Sorry but whether or not he has feelings for you, he's in a relationship with you. Just because you don't love someone, doesn't mean you're allowed to hurt them. Can I ask, how did they break up? It sounds like she left him and therefore he's not got over it. However, if she's still keen for contact, then maybe it was the other way round. Either way, it's not healthy for all three of you this situation. Is she in another relationship that you know of?
Author Lottie86 Posted April 6, 2016 Author Posted April 6, 2016 I guess I'm hoping that their contact will fizzle out the more time goes on. He doesn't call her, only answers her calls and he tells me every time they speak. He did say that he would choose our relationship over their friendship but I think he would resent me for making him do that. He said their breakup was a mutual decision, they should have split up years before and it just wasn't working. She got with someone else very soon after they split so I think he resents that a little (understandably) and she is still with this person now. I must admit I have thought before he's not over her but he says he is, says he doesn't love her and wouldn't ever get back with her.
smudge21 Posted April 6, 2016 Posted April 6, 2016 Hmm, I do wonder how her new guy feels about this contact. Sometimes though, ex's do remain friends (rare but it happens) but I still think that his priority should be you. You're not just mates, you don't just work together, you're in a relationship and what he's doing is affecting you... which in turn will ultimately affect the relationship. Anyone can see that, and so should he. I would never suggest anyone dictate to another who they can or cannot see or contact, but in this situation it just feels like he should step up and do what is right for you. Basically, he shouldn't need to be told twice that this upsets you. You need to talk to him, decide what is acceptable for you. Yeah, maybe you would be okay with them still being in touch, but there's being in touch and then there's constantly thinking about someone or stalking them online. It's a tough call and I'm sorry you're having to go through this. See what others suggest over the next day or so on here and then decide.
ExpatInItaly Posted April 6, 2016 Posted April 6, 2016 In my opinion, they're still too attached to each other. He has made it clear that won't be changing any time soon. You can either accept it or move on. Sorry, but I would move on. I don't think he's ready to really let her go yet.
MachineGunFunk Posted April 8, 2016 Posted April 8, 2016 It shouldn't take 4 months for a guy to fall in love with you!! HE'S USING YOU AS A REBOUND PLEASE BREAK UP WITH HIM URGENTLY. AND IF HE REALLY LOVED YOU HE WOULDN'T BE SEEING HER. Clearly he still loves his ex over you.
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