Gaia_92 Posted April 6, 2016 Posted April 6, 2016 So my bf and I broke up yesterday on our 5 month anniversary. Things just haven't been going great the past couple of months and it sucked. We had a long talk and decided to take this time to work on ourselves, we both want to give it another shot but know that we can't with how things have been recently. I'm seeing him again today to return his key and after that we will have no communication for ca 25 days, I'm helping him to move at the end of the month. I know it will be hard at times, and I will miss him a lot. But if it will be better in the long run it's worth it. Have any of you guys done the 30-day no contact rule post breakup? How did it go? I need solid advice on how to resist urges of contact, but please don't bring any negativity or tell me to just move on, we both agreed on this and it's for the right reasons. Please hold my hand through these next 24 days. Thanks!
Emilia Posted April 6, 2016 Posted April 6, 2016 You need to cut contact completely, not just for 30 days. This is your chance to heal and move on. The 30-day rule is made up to play games and I very much doubt it works long term - though I have no evidence for that. You go NC and maintain it by distracting yourself, keeping busy, there is a lot of info on this site. Good luck. 1
LD1990 Posted April 6, 2016 Posted April 6, 2016 So it's your 5 month anniversary and things haven't been going great for a couple months? If things are that bad this early that's a sign that you two just aren't meant for each other. This is supposed to be the fun honeymoon phase where things are easy. 30 days (or 25, in your case) really isn't a lot of time. It's unrealistic to think that you're both gonna work on yourselves for a couple weeks, solve the issues that caused you to break up, get back together and be fine. 1
basil67 Posted April 6, 2016 Posted April 6, 2016 I've never heard of the 30 day no contact rule. I only know of 'no contact' as a way to get over a person. And it works.
Author Gaia_92 Posted April 6, 2016 Author Posted April 6, 2016 So it's your 5 month anniversary and things haven't been going great for a couple months? If things are that bad this early that's a sign that you two just aren't meant for each other. This is supposed to be the fun honeymoon phase where things are easy. 30 days (or 25, in your case) really isn't a lot of time. It's unrealistic to think that you're both gonna work on yourselves for a couple weeks, solve the issues that caused you to break up, get back together and be fine. Of course we will continue to work on ourselves after, but we had personal issues we need to work on individually. I realise there's no guarantee that 25 days will be enough, and this is something we discussed. We will see how it goes.
jen1447 Posted April 6, 2016 Posted April 6, 2016 So is the plan to get back together in 25 days or just to not talk for 25 days?
darkbloom Posted April 6, 2016 Posted April 6, 2016 What are you both hoping to accomplish by the 25 days of silence?
Author Gaia_92 Posted April 6, 2016 Author Posted April 6, 2016 So is the plan to get back together in 25 days or just to not talk for 25 days? To not talk for 25 days.
basil67 Posted April 6, 2016 Posted April 6, 2016 To not talk for 25 days. And if one of you finds that they enjoy the space and doesn't want to get back together, you'll be OK with that? Sometimes, we find that after the initial shock we don't miss a person at all. Just make sure you're prepared for this outcome.
Author Gaia_92 Posted April 7, 2016 Author Posted April 7, 2016 To work on ourselves to try and be a better fit for a relationship with each other, we will allow it to take it's time and like I said. I know there are no guarantees for anything.
Author Gaia_92 Posted April 7, 2016 Author Posted April 7, 2016 And if one of you finds that they enjoy the space and doesn't want to get back together, you'll be OK with that? Sometimes, we find that after the initial shock we don't miss a person at all. Just make sure you're prepared for this outcome. There's a risk, and we'll have to deal with it. 1
Author Gaia_92 Posted April 11, 2016 Author Posted April 11, 2016 So we had a good talk on Saturday. I'm very optimistic for the most part, but still can't quite shake the angst that he might change his mind. I'm sad because I miss him, but know that we need time to figure stuff out to be better together and 2,5 weeks really isn't that long. I'm going to his place tomorrow (with his permission) to pick up some stuff. Any advice on how to feel more positive about this and make time go faster?
jen1447 Posted April 11, 2016 Posted April 11, 2016 I'm just confused by all this, sorry. So the plan is to "break up" (actually sounds like "take a break") for 25 days (really arbitrary figure) and then try to get back together after that, but don't talk at all during that time? But on day 4 you talk anyway and make plans to meet on day 7? I don't know it'd even be considered a 25 day separation anymore at this point, but I didn't get the impetus behind that anyway or really understand the particular rules governing this thing, or for that matter why you'd really need much emotional support for going on a 25 day vacation from a guy. I'm usually pretty compassionate about this stuff so sorry, but I just don't get it. 1
RocketQueen Posted April 11, 2016 Posted April 11, 2016 No Contact is hard- part of it is coming to terms with the fact that you're not going to speak to them again, knowing there's no end date in sight and then working on yourself/issues. When me and my ex were on limited contact even though it was hard I still had the cushion of knowing it wasn't a final decision. Now I've gone no contact with no intention of speaking to him again it gives me palpitations. The panic is awful. Given a bit of time apart and breathing space it will feel like issues have been resolved whether you work on them or not and could lull one of you- or both of you into a false sense of 'everything is ok'. Then as yourself and others have said theres the danger of one of you coming to the end of the NC period with a totally different perspective. I'm not saying it can't work- and I truly hope it does but I think if the aim is to reconnect then it might make more sense to work through things together but give yourself a bit more distance? I don't know. Its a tricky one. Keep us updated
elaine567 Posted April 11, 2016 Posted April 11, 2016 Are you or he planning on seeing other people whilst on this break? Have you discussed that?
kztar Posted April 11, 2016 Posted April 11, 2016 This doesn't sound like a good plan at all. My advise would be to go NC and move on. If things are not in good shape in five months then I suggest you walk away now before it's even later. Trust me, if things are in bad shape now, wait till a year and you'll see things uglier and the longer you stay, the harder it is to walk away.
LD1990 Posted April 11, 2016 Posted April 11, 2016 So we had a good talk on Saturday. I'm very optimistic for the most part, but still can't quite shake the angst that he might change his mind. I'm sad because I miss him, but know that we need time to figure stuff out to be better together and 2,5 weeks really isn't that long. I'm going to his place tomorrow (with his permission) to pick up some stuff. Any advice on how to feel more positive about this and make time go faster? If the plan is to get back together so soon, why is it necessary to pick up your stuff now? And who really came up with this idea of a break? It had to have been one of you, I'm assuming he did?
katiegrl Posted April 11, 2016 Posted April 11, 2016 If the plan is to get back together so soon, why is it necessary to pick up your stuff now? And who really came up with this idea of a break? It had to have been one of you, I'm assuming he did? I was just about to ask this. It doesn't sound like the OP wants this "break" at all, but is simply going along with it, because it's what her bf wants. OP, can you clarify? Is this break something you want?
Author Gaia_92 Posted April 12, 2016 Author Posted April 12, 2016 I was just about to ask this. It doesn't sound like the OP wants this "break" at all, but is simply going along with it, because it's what her bf wants. OP, can you clarify? Is this break something you want? We both agreed to it, but we both want to be together. We just needed time to clear our head and work some things out individually. I need stuff for next weekend and he won't be there (I still have his key). We both know it'll be different and better next time around. The goal is not only to get back together, but mostly to work on ourselves and become better people for ourselves so we can be better together (or with other people...)
Author Gaia_92 Posted April 22, 2016 Author Posted April 22, 2016 Are you or he planning on seeing other people whilst on this break? Have you discussed that? We both know that we don't want to be with other people. He said he still wants to be with me, but we both agreed we had to work out some stuff. Hopefully we'll meet on Sunday and talk again. I need to get my stuff from his place anyway so..
mightycpa Posted April 22, 2016 Posted April 22, 2016 Oh, you broke the 25 day rule. That's not good. You didn't get 25 days to work on yourselves, you showed that you can't adhere to firm boundaries, and now, the old dynamics will begin to re-establish and show themselves IF you get back together, which is now in doubt. It seems like such a small thing, but this overt expression of neediness is a real relationship killer. If I may paraphrase, he said it himself to you (emphasis added): I know I want to be with you, but not yet. You've got to become a better person, as do I. Think about that for a second or two. Anyway, breaking the 25 day no-contact rule is like closing the oven door too loudly when you're making a souffle. You don't know you've ruined it until after you've done it.
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