Superman2024 Posted April 6, 2016 Posted April 6, 2016 So one of my third cousins sunk about as low as it gets when he recently cheated on his wife and is already posting pictures on FB with his new GF. They are separated but haven't officially gotten divorced yet. He's quite an enormous fool for doing this since his wife is incredibly sweet and beautiful according to what I've seen and what other family members have told me about her. Although I've not talked to her much over the years and have only seen her at family gatherings on major holidays, I'm quite interested in her and have always thought she was very attractive. We are FB friends and I've recently liked a couple of her posts and she liked a couple of mine. There's somewhat of an age difference with me being 31 and her turning 22 soon, but hopefully that wouldn't be a big deal to her. I'm also not related to her at all. Some of my closest family think it would be good for me pursue something with her at some point, but I'm not exactly sure how and when to approach this somewhat complicated situation!
Blanco Posted April 6, 2016 Posted April 6, 2016 She's not even divorced and has recently experienced a public humiliation and one of the biggest breaches in trust one can experience. Your heart is probably in the right place, but this woman is vulnerable right now and almost certainly in no emotional condition to start dating. 5
Toodaloo Posted April 6, 2016 Posted April 6, 2016 Give the girl a break. At least let her divorce your cousin first... Oh and just as an aside. You NEVER know what goes on behind closed doors... Be warned. 2
Author Superman2024 Posted April 6, 2016 Author Posted April 6, 2016 I have no experience with this type of situation, but my instinct was telling me she's probably way too emotional right now and I'd likely become a rebound. It's obvious my cousin did something pretty rotten, but I know there are two sides to every story. I'm wondering if it'd be alright to casually start chatting with her on FB or just not communicate at all for a while, except for occasionally liking some of her FB posts.
Author Superman2024 Posted May 4, 2016 Author Posted May 4, 2016 So far the only reason I've heard that my cousin cheated on her is that he couldn't stand how clingy she was, which to me doesn't even come close to justifying what he did. She did file for a divorce (which shouldn't take too long in my state), so I doubt they'll ever get back together. A couple of weeks ago I did message her on FB letting her know how sorry I was about the situation. She really appreciated that and thought it was considerate. In terms of dating, I'm only used to the approach I would take with online dating but this is a different situation and I'm struggling to figure out how to handle making my interest known to her. I'm afraid if I just chat with her casually she'll only view me as a friend, but if I treat her like I would an online dating prospect it would probably seem too forward. Any suggestions on how to make my interest known to her?
Blanco Posted May 4, 2016 Posted May 4, 2016 There's really no one else you can pursue besides someone who's 10 years younger and hasn't even divorced a relative of yours? 5
smackie9 Posted May 4, 2016 Posted May 4, 2016 Like her pics but don't communicate with her yet until you see her properly moving on with her life and happy again. 2
Cinnamonstix Posted May 4, 2016 Posted May 4, 2016 There's really no one else you can pursue besides someone who's 10 years younger and hasn't even divorced a relative of yours? I second this. There are plenty of beautiful, sweet women whom dating wouldn't lead to a possible awkward situation with the family during holidays and gatherings. You don't seem to know her well enough/have an established strong connection to know it is worth the risk.
Standard-Fare Posted May 4, 2016 Posted May 4, 2016 Somehow the way you're approaching this seems to be like, "I have a right to go after this woman simply because she's moved squarely into my radar." As opposed to like, having a real background together or an established mutual attraction. It's almost a little bit like: "This woman in my family's social sphere is single now, and it's my turn to shuffle to the plate." Maybe your instincts and feelings are deeper than that, but that's how it reads superficially. I'm just saying this to warn you of how the girl might possibly perceive it. 1
Author Superman2024 Posted May 4, 2016 Author Posted May 4, 2016 There's really no one else you can pursue besides someone who's 10 years younger and hasn't even divorced a relative of yours? Of course, she's one of many options but there is a connection here unlike with OLD where there's absolutely nothing. Somehow the way you're approaching this seems to be like, "I have a right to go after this woman simply because she's moved squarely into my radar." As opposed to like, having a real background together or an established mutual attraction. It's almost a little bit like: "This woman in my family's social sphere is single now, and it's my turn to shuffle to the plate." Maybe your instincts and feelings are deeper than that, but that's how it reads superficially. I'm just saying this to warn you of how the girl might possibly perceive it. I guess I don't understand what you're saying. Doesn't everyone pursue people in their radar? I've always heard good things about her from family and they also think it's a good idea for me to pursue her (though unsure about timing), so I don't think I'm off base by wanting to see where things could lead.
Blanco Posted May 4, 2016 Posted May 4, 2016 Unless she's a sociopath, she's been deeply affected by this ultimate betrayal. This won't disappear with the divorce papers. She needs time on her own, away from dating and relationships, to re-establish who she is as an individual. If she's divorcing at 21, then it's likely she's been involved with this guy for most, if not all, of her adult life. This doesn't even get into the age gap issues here. 1
Cinnamonstix Posted May 4, 2016 Posted May 4, 2016 Unless she's a sociopath, she's been deeply affected by this ultimate betrayal. This won't disappear with the divorce papers. She needs time on her own, away from dating and relationships, to re-establish who she is as an individual. If she's divorcing at 21, then it's likely she's been involved with this guy for most, if not all, of her adult life. This doesn't even get into the age gap issues here. Agreed. She obviously married young and is now barely an adult who hasn't experienced much of the single life. Add to that the time she will need/want time off to heal from the relationship. A divorce is a huge thing to go through, especially one that ended in betrayal. I very much doubt dating is a priority for her right now. If you're absolutely set on her, I would let the dust settle before making a move, and when you do, be prepared to move very slowly, if she is into you too. Side note: I find it a bit odd that your family is encouraging you to pursue another family member's ex wife. Is this a cultural thing? 1
kendahke Posted May 4, 2016 Posted May 4, 2016 (edited) I have no experience with this type of situation, but my instinct was telling me she's probably way too emotional right now and I'd likely become a rebound. It's obvious my cousin did something pretty rotten, but I know there are two sides to every story. I'm wondering if it'd be alright to casually start chatting with her on FB or just not communicate at all for a while, except for occasionally liking some of her FB posts. She's not his ex. Until the divorce is executed, they're legally married. I'd leave her alone for the time being. They may try to patch up their marriage and seeing that they're still married and not divorce, that isn't outside the realm of possibility. I, personally, wouldn't do it--that's just way too messy. I wouldn't be sniffing in behind a family member's hurt spouse. Edited May 4, 2016 by kendahke
Versacehottie Posted May 4, 2016 Posted May 4, 2016 Whoa! I'm surprised you are not getting more kick back, OP. If she has never even flirted with you I would say your idea is pretty creepy and offensive. It's drama on top of that. I know you say you are not related truly to the "cousin" but still. All I can imagine is if I were in her situation and my soon-to-be ex-husbands's cousin took that as license that he could hit on me before the ink was even dry on divorce papers, I would be annoyed. If she isn't, she either has bad judgement or would likely be using you to get back at him, or both. I think it's a terrible idea. 3
Author Superman2024 Posted May 4, 2016 Author Posted May 4, 2016 I don't think the age difference with her is too big of a deal. He's like my 3rd or 4th cousin so there's really nothing weird or odd about it. There's an older married couple at my church who are first cousins. Now that is freaking creepy! None of this matters now anyway since I just learned today she's actually got another guy living with her already! Evidently she lies a lot too, so she's not the nice Christian girl I thought...
insert_name Posted May 4, 2016 Posted May 4, 2016 I don't think the age difference with her is too big of a deal. He's like my 3rd or 4th cousin so there's really nothing weird or odd about it. There's an older married couple at my church who are first cousins. Now that is freaking creepy! None of this matters now anyway since I just learned today she's actually got another guy living with her already! Evidently she lies a lot too, so she's not the nice Christian girl I thought... Because she would obviously have been the nice Christian girl if she had run off with her husband's cousin before she was even divorced, right? The tone you are conveying here makes it sound like you were waiting to pounce simply because she was there with no regard for the circumstances or evidence of any strong connection...I have to say OP I feel sorry for your cousin if his family are gathering like vultures waiting for the pickings instead of offering him support. How would you feel if a cousin was looking to make a move on your wife whilst you were going through a divorce? 3
Author Superman2024 Posted May 4, 2016 Author Posted May 4, 2016 Because she would obviously have been the nice Christian girl if she had run off with her husband's cousin before she was even divorced, right? The tone you are conveying here makes it sound like you were waiting to pounce simply because she was there with no regard for the circumstances or evidence of any strong connection...I have to say OP I feel sorry for your cousin if his family are gathering like vultures waiting for the pickings instead of offering him support. How would you feel if a cousin was looking to make a move on your wife whilst you were going through a divorce? Seriously what are you talking about? Did you even read the previous posts or do you just enjoy stirring up trouble on here? So I mention that she's a liar and is already living with another guy and you somehow turn it around as if I'm trying to run away with her and that her cheating husband should be offered support. I've given this situation lots of thought and consideration over the last few weeks, have asked advice from family, and posted on here. It's absolutely nothing like you portrayed it.
Versacehottie Posted May 4, 2016 Posted May 4, 2016 Because she would obviously have been the nice Christian girl if she had run off with her husband's cousin before she was even divorced, right? The tone you are conveying here makes it sound like you were waiting to pounce simply because she was there with no regard for the circumstances or evidence of any strong connection...I have to say OP I feel sorry for your cousin if his family are gathering like vultures waiting for the pickings instead of offering him support. How would you feel if a cousin was looking to make a move on your wife whilst you were going through a divorce? Agreed, there are so many things wrong with his idea, it's just yuck. For example, as you state above, 99% of the girls who would sign up that date the cousin, however, many times removed, of her not yet ex-husband and the scrutiny and drama that would come with that does not have good judgement at all. Nor does OP to put her in that position. She needs space from her ex's family not to be pounced on because she is newly single and an available body. Plus if you cared about your family member that's where your attention should be right now rather than jumping on his leftovers!! Like someone said surely there are other available girls to date? And now you are judging her for her actions with the other guy--which just indicates that you have objectified her and don't know her at all. 1
insert_name Posted May 4, 2016 Posted May 4, 2016 Seriously what are you talking about? Did you even read the previous posts or do you just enjoy stirring up trouble on here? So I mention that she's a liar and is already living with another guy and you somehow turn it around as if I'm trying to run away with her and that her cheating husband should be offered support. I've given this situation lots of thought and consideration over the last few weeks, have asked advice from family, and posted on here. It's absolutely nothing like you portrayed it. Woah there hoss! Let's recap here: you are casting aspersions on her ethics and morality when YOU are the one seeking to pursue a relationship with his cousin's wife before the divorce has even been finalised. What do you think Christianity's view on that is? How did she lie to you? Honestly, it sounds like at this point in time her living with another guy should have no effect on your emotional state whatsoever and yet the tone of your post suggests she has got you pretty hurt/woundup yet reading the OP you barely know her and have had to rely on the opinions of your family as to what her character is like. It all seems very intense, throw in that she is currently married to your cousin, that your main reasons for pursuing her seems to be that she is pretty and your friend on Facebook and the whole thing just comes across very badly. Of course there might be a whole load of stuff that you aren't telling us but on the face of what you have posted here you would be better advised taking a step back. There are so many pretty women out in the world, why fixate on your cousin's wife?! 2
kendahke Posted May 5, 2016 Posted May 5, 2016 (edited) I don't think the age difference with her is too big of a deal. He's like my 3rd or 4th cousin so there's really nothing weird or odd about it. There's an older married couple at my church who are first cousins. Now that is freaking creepy! None of this matters now anyway since I just learned today she's actually got another guy living with her already! Evidently she lies a lot too, so she's not the nice Christian girl I thought... Like I said... messy. This whole tragic saga just has a total "icky creep" flavor to it all around. and it's not very Christian to be coveting your cousin's wife. I think there's a commandment about that somewhere... Edited May 5, 2016 by kendahke 1
Versacehottie Posted May 5, 2016 Posted May 5, 2016 Woah there hoss! Let's recap here: you are casting aspersions on her ethics and morality when YOU are the one seeking to pursue a relationship with his cousin's wife before the divorce has even been finalised. What do you think Christianity's view on that is? How did she lie to you? Honestly, it sounds like at this point in time her living with another guy should have no effect on your emotional state whatsoever and yet the tone of your post suggests she has got you pretty hurt/woundup yet reading the OP you barely know her and have had to rely on the opinions of your family as to what her character is like. It all seems very intense, throw in that she is currently married to your cousin, that your main reasons for pursuing her seems to be that she is pretty and your friend on Facebook and the whole thing just comes across very badly. Of course there might be a whole load of stuff that you aren't telling us but on the face of what you have posted here you would be better advised taking a step back. There are so many pretty women out in the world, why fixate on your cousin's wife?! yes, the added commentary from OP on morality via religion was quite the wrench into this already disturbing thread. She's been tossed aside by her husband; he wants his cousin's wife and she's a "liar" and "not Christian" for moving on with another guy and not acting in line with her religion??!?!? Jesus.... 1
Author Superman2024 Posted May 5, 2016 Author Posted May 5, 2016 You guys have completely misread this, but in fairness it's too complicated to explain here and understand unless you're directly involved. I probably shouldn't have even posted it here. Those conclusions are false because you don't have all the facts. It's pointless to continue this conversation, so I'll just leave it at that. Thanks for the fun discussion though.
Blanco Posted May 5, 2016 Posted May 5, 2016 OK, I'm going to play devil's advocate and infer that the woman living with another guy and her being a liar about things are unrelated pieces of information that the OP just happen to include in that post. 1
Blanco Posted May 5, 2016 Posted May 5, 2016 OP, I went back and read some of your threads, as I like to do when I'm participating in someone's thread whose story I'm not familiar with. It sounds like you've had some difficulty meeting eligible women to date, which has led to you consider different, maybe less likely sources for finding women. I got a sense that your inexperience with women in a romantic and/or sexual level keeps you from picking up some some social cues and mores that might seem obvious, even innate to others. I think maybe this latest scenario is such a situation. Whereas you merely saw an opportunity to get to better know someone you found attractive (and was soon to be available), others saw a scenario fraught with red flags and potential trouble. From your other postings, you don't seem like a sleazy guy, just a bit wet behind the ears when it comes to the fairer sex. So even though this girl appears to be off the market, I'll contextualize why pursuing this woman would've been a poor idea: - She's not yet divorced. Divorce is traumatic. People need time to heal from it, whether it was necessary or not. Those who jump right back into dating are usually attempting to distract themselves from pain, but that necessary healing must eventually take place, whether it's now or later. In short, most relationships that emerge shortly after someone's separation or divorce aren't long-lasting. - She's married to a family member. I get it. He's a distant relative and he cheated. I don't think you need to support him, but for a lot of people, exes of friends and family are essentially hands off. - She's barely an adult. She might have life experience in the form of marriage (and soon divorce), but emotionally, you and her are probably in very different places in your lives because of the age difference. Another 10 or more years and that matters a lot less, but right now, this woman's teen years aren't the distant in the rear view mirror. 3
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