Got a new one so I'll cut the old one lose

[Weathersf1]

It seems that most chicks if not all that dump guys happen to first start off by complaining about some long standing issue which the guy is not even aware of. As he tries to resolve that, they jump to a different issue thats also been troublesome to them. You try to address that and they'll find another one.

 

In most cases it appears that its usually cause women have already got someone lined up to replace the man. They don't have the courage to tell and would rather put them in a corner and make them feel as if they were the reason for the BU.

 

I have read this so many times and am starting to really believe thats what happened to me as well. My ex started a new job and next thing she's going to Vegas with friends, gets back and tells me, we are over cause she's not happy.

 

Would you men (and women) agree that this fairly common practice? Find a replacement and cut the person loose but tactfully, make sure to list all the reasons so they believe its for the best while you sit there with a deer in the headlights look

[Gloria25]

Both men and women do this...

 

They don't wanna do the dirty work (break up with you)...so they get distant, accusatory, argumentative, fade/ghost, etc. so that you get frustrated and break it off with them.

 

And, they'll do this cowardly conduct regardless of whether or not they got someone else lined up.

[JourneyLady]

No I do not think this is the way "most" break ups happen.

 

If you look at the posts from people "what should I do?", there is usually quite a list of complaints or one LONG STANDING issue that isn't fixed when they are asking for advice and/or deciding to break up.

 

It may be that *some* people have given up and look around a bit before finalizing - but I do not agree that they are trying to find multiple problems as an excuse to move to someone else. It's usually the other way around.

 

In my case currently, I don't even intend to date for a long while. I complained and tried multiple ways to "fix the issues"; he stayed in denial that he had any issues for a long time. I woke up one morning last week and my dreams were telling me it was time to split up - so I did. No other guy involved.

 

Plus, he thinks it's "sudden"; which basically means he has not been listening for a long long time. Basically I was committed to the relationship until I realized HE wasn't!

[Gloria25]

No I do not think this is the way "most" break ups happen.

 

If you look at the posts from people "what should I do?", there is usually quite a list of complaints or one LONG STANDING issue that isn't fixed when they are asking for advice and/or deciding to break up.

 

It may be that *some* people have given up and look around a bit before finalizing - but I do not agree that they are trying to find multiple problems as an excuse to move to someone else. It's usually the other way around.

 

In my case currently, I don't even intend to date for a long while. I complained and tried multiple ways to "fix the issues"; he stayed in denial that he had any issues for a long time. I woke up one morning last week and my dreams were telling me it was time to split up - so I did. No other guy involved.

 

Plus, he thinks it's "sudden"; which basically means he has not been listening for a long long time. Basically I was committed to the relationship until I realized HE wasn't!

 

Yes, gotta love the "I don't know where this came from" peeps who are supposedly surprised when you call it quits. Really? Are you that oblivious?

[kztar]

Both men and women do this...

 

They don't wanna do the dirty work (break up with you)...so they get distant, accusatory, argumentative, fade/ghost, etc. so that you get frustrated and break it off with them.

 

And, they'll do this cowardly conduct regardless of whether or not they got someone else lined up.

 

Agree! Just had to do this two months ago. I was sick and the bf said , "something is always wrong with you, you stress me out, I'm so sick of this, now I need to stress about you, now my day is ruined." I mean what can someone say to this?. Send them to F off, yet this was a way to push me to be a fake dumper. No one wants to be with someone who's careless towards them in bad times.

 

Pushed me to "dump" then when I said let's fix the issue he said oh no I'm not in love with you. WTF. The previous months I was working my butt off towards that relationship. He was investing elsewhere. Why couldn't he just tell me the real truth from the start, my time is valuable.

[dreamingoftigers]

Plus, he thinks it's "sudden"; which basically means he has not been listening for a long long time. Basically I was committed to the relationship until I realized HE wasn't!

 

I find this to be pretty common, more than not.

 

I don't wish to stereotype men, but I can only offer my experience and I don't date women.

 

Typically what I have heard and seen with men is something along the lines of " yeah she mentioned it and even nagged about it but it's not like she "showed" me it was important to her."

 

OR "she just got all emotional about stuff and I couldn't listen to it anymore. Then she said I wasn't listening to her."

 

You know, that noise coming from us is actually the way we ADDRESS THE ISSUES.

 

The way to deal with that is to LISTEN AND RESPOND TO THE ISSUES before we just go silent because "what is the use?" (At which point many men seem to think, oh she's gone silent about that, yay I outwaited the tempest now we're all good.) When that silence happens is when we've started looking for the exit. Some women are better at exiting than others. Some just cheat. (I don't, screw that crap, none of that "find a replacement" garbage either. I wouldn't want a "replacement" that would involve themselves with me if I was in a relationship. Plus I believe relationships rise and fall on their own merit, not because the Pool Boy looks 'delicious' or whatever lame excuse.)

 

But aside from the truly, deeply passive (or passive-aggressive) virtually every woman I've known has made her complaints known. And smart men listen and respond, even if they don't agree.

 

Frankly, I haven't had a perfect dating record. However, I can now see (on my mid-thirties) the general trend I've had with men. My husband would also day that I left 'very suddenly' if I served him with divorce papers tomorrow. But the truth is, he brought a boatload of pain into this marriage, totally dragged his heels on resolving it, and still is moving at a very slow pace to make much headway about it. Nothing sudden. But I am pretty sure he would be shocked. Maybe just because I put up with so much worse from him previously.

 

OP, if finding this kind of woman is a pattern for you, what does the early start to these relationships look like?

 

Are the women you date upfront or are they very complacent? What do they seem to have in common?

 

Shop and replace is a pretty weird and unusual way to go about a breakup. So there could be a discernable character trait to screen for.

[smudge21]

When a dumper calls it quits, they've usually broke up with you mentally months before they break up with you physically.

[loveweary11]

Absolutely, without a doubt, this is the most common way breakups happen.

[kztar]

I find this to be pretty common, more than not.

 

I don't wish to stereotype men, but I can only offer my experience and I don't date women.

 

Typically what I have heard and seen with men is something along the lines of " yeah she mentioned it and even nagged about it but it's not like she "showed" me it was important to her."

 

OR "she just got all emotional about stuff and I couldn't listen to it anymore. Then she said I wasn't listening to her."

 

You know, that noise coming from us is actually the way we ADDRESS THE ISSUES.

 

The way to deal with that is to LISTEN AND RESPOND TO THE ISSUES before we just go silent because "what is the use?" (At which point many men seem to think, oh she's gone silent about that, yay I outwaited the tempest now we're all good.) When that silence happens is when we've started looking for the exit. Some women are better at exiting than others. Some just cheat. (I don't, screw that crap, none of that "find a replacement" garbage either. I wouldn't want a "replacement" that would involve themselves with me if I was in a relationship. Plus I believe relationships rise and fall on their own merit, not because the Pool Boy looks 'delicious' or whatever lame excuse.)

 

But aside from the truly, deeply passive (or passive-aggressive) virtually every woman I've known has made her complaints known. And smart men listen and respond, even if they don't agree.

 

Frankly, I haven't had a perfect dating record. However, I can now see (on my mid-thirties) the general trend I've had with men. My husband would also day that I left 'very suddenly' if I served him with divorce papers tomorrow. But the truth is, he brought a boatload of pain into this marriage, totally dragged his heels on resolving it, and still is moving at a very slow pace to make much headway about it. Nothing sudden. But I am pretty sure he would be shocked. Maybe just because I put up with so much worse from him previously.

 

OP, if finding this kind of woman is a pattern for you, what does the early start to these relationships look like?

 

Are the women you date upfront or are they very complacent? What do they seem to have in common?

 

Shop and replace is a pretty weird and unusual way to go about a breakup. So there could be a discernable character trait to screen for.

 

It seems to be a common trend in society, men and women mainly because of what smudge21 said. The dumper is long gone from the RS way before the dumpee. This is also much more applicable to younger couples, I would say under 30.

 

Dumpers, avoid the BU until they have stuck around for long enough to have reach almost indifference towards the dumpee. Sometimes is not about working things out but rather than making a decision sooner than later. The sooner the better if you are not really going to put in any effort.

 

dreamingoftigers I have noticed that with older people, mainly over 30, most times things are just not working out and they don't have someone else on the side. Younger men and women, just want to move on to the next one, mostly seeking perfection.

[central]

This is the serial cheating model of relationship progression. Find a new one, test them out, find fault with the old one, and use that as an excuse to dump them. It's for those too insecure to not be in a relationship, so rationalize their cheating to move on to another before letting go.

 

 

Serial monogamists at least have the integrity to break up before seeking the next.

[dreamingoftigers]

It seems to be a common trend in society, men and women mainly because of what smudge21 said. The dumper is long gone from the RS way before the dumpee. This is also much more applicable to younger couples, I would say under 30.

 

Dumpers, avoid the BU until they have stuck around for long enough to have reach almost indifference towards the dumpee. Sometimes is not about working things out but rather than making a decision sooner than later. The sooner the better if you are not really going to put in any effort.

 

dreamingoftigers I have noticed that with older people, mainly over 30, most times things are just not working out and they don't have someone else on the side. Younger men and women, just want to move on to the next one, mostly seeking perfection.

 

You must think I'm old LOL.

 

I JUST went through these years.

 

Maybe we went to different schools.

[dreamingoftigers]

You must think I'm old LOL.

 

I JUST went through these years.

 

Maybe we went to different schools.

 

Only time I've seen "shop and replace" done by a woman was one who did it to her ex-husband then the subsequent two boyfriends after, all within a year. With two kids. It was the most dysfunctional thing I've ever seen.

 

Most women I know get out when they just can't stand a dude anymore. Usually most people are programmed to STOP hanging out with people they don't like.

 

I've also noticed that men will break-up with the hope of getting back together in the future "when some time has passed" in hopes that the relationship issues, or at least "her emotionality about it" has ebbed. Most women getting dumped take it very much as a forever thing and adjust to it quicker (unless they are the nutjob stalker type). Men (IME) complain more often that "she's cold to them now" "it's like she erased me" "why won't she even be friends?" "I am not 'ever getting back together with her.'"

 

I saw such an email from one of my exes to another friend of mine after I had dumped him after a year and a half. We were not compatible and I simply called it quits. I let him know and then went no contact for three weeks. He blasted me to all of our friends and told them how the "way I handled the breakup meant we were done." I actually laughed. WE ALREADY WERE DONE, WTF? I didn't even respond at all. There wasn't a guy outside the breakup, I just couldn't stand a grown man constantly whining who thought commercials were real. Ugh.

 

I notice LW11 says shop and replace is the most common breakup model. He also does ton of OLD. And a ton of ghosting. I wonder if this might be more of an OLD thing. Lots of Narcissism and usership on OLD. My first bf was from OLD and I figured out that it would be a pretty problematic way to date. I tried a couple smaller shots after that but it was a total no-go for me. Just a total cesspool.

[kztar]

You must think I'm old LOL.

 

I JUST went through these years.

 

Maybe we went to different schools.

 

LOL No way, I don't think you're old at all. But im 26 and I can honestly tell you, 90% of people my age have alot of GIGS. Most of the people I know are single or if they are in relationships, they're still acting like they are single, lying to their partners, finding new prospects. No one is worried about real life problems besides going to work, vacationing and living the life. It's a hot mess.

 

I don't think that when people are looking to settle down, they have this kind of mentality.

[elaine567]

LOL No way, I don't think you're old at all. But im 26 and I can honestly tell you, 90% of people my age have alot of GIGS. Most of the people I know are single or if they are in relationships, they're still acting like they are single, lying to their partners, finding new prospects. No one is worried about real life problems besides going to work, vacationing and living the life. It's a hot mess.

 

I don't think that when people are looking to settle down, they have this kind of mentality.

 

I have a feeling 24-25 are bad years for break ups. Many of the long term high school and university romances are reaching the stage of "the next step", the road to settling down, marriage and kids.

Many are just not ready for that, so they break up instead, they want to experience more of "life". They often leave a partner "gutted" that they spent 3-7 years in this "serious" relationship and it all suddenly went pear shaped on them and they are left with nothing.