Heloooo Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 I met this guy through a mutual friend. We started texting everyday having a laugh so we arranged our first date for this weekend. Just to go grab a coffee or something. But he text me yesterday saying that he was working away from our city until Friday and he was going away with friends this weekend so the coffee would have to wait. I text him saying no prob we'll do it when your free. But I'm actually really upset that he cancelled and feel let down I suppose. I understand the work thing because he is in a job where he gets called away. But I thought the date would have been for the weekend so i dont understand why he would agree knowing he had already made plans with his friends. He has been texting since last night trying to make conversation but tbh I really don't want to speak to him or even go on a date now. Would you agree another date with him or forgot about it ?
jen1447 Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 I'd forget it, unless he's some kinda rare find or sth. Seems pretty clear he knowingly seconded you in favor of his friends. (And you're not really in a familiar enough place w/him to find out otherwise or demand an explanation.) Ppl can do whatever they want - that's fine - but so can you. Buh-bye, I say. 5
basil67 Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 Perhaps the weekend away thing was organised spontaneously after he made the coffee date? Or he got his dates mixed up? (I'm the Queen of that, so I totally understand that it happens) While I understand your disappointment, it would be tough to expect him to give up a whole weekend away with his mates because he'd made a coffee date. As for the next date, see how much effort he puts in when he returns and base your decision on that. 2
Author Heloooo Posted April 5, 2016 Author Posted April 5, 2016 I'd forget it, unless he's some kinda rare find or sth. Seems pretty clear he knowingly seconded you in favor of his friends. (And you're not really in a familiar enough place w/him to find out otherwise or demand an explanation.) Ppl can do whatever they want - that's fine - but so can you. Buh-bye, I say. I'm just going to forget it with him.He didn't have to agree to do it this week so I just feel let down. I'm not going to waste my time on someone who can't even spare an hour of theirs. 2
Author Heloooo Posted April 5, 2016 Author Posted April 5, 2016 Perhaps the weekend away thing was organised spontaneously after he made the coffee date? Or he got his dates mixed up? (I'm the Queen of that, so I totally understand that it happens) While I understand your disappointment, it would be tough to expect him to give up a whole weekend away with his mates because he'd made a coffee date. As for the next date, see how much effort he puts in when he returns and base your decision on that. I wouldn't have expected to cancel with his friends but I'm sure he knew it was this weekend because it's his best friend b-day. He really did seem like a nice guy that wouldn't ditch you so I suppose I am really disappointed . 1
lilmissjava Posted April 6, 2016 Posted April 6, 2016 If he cancelled on you, it would have been appropriate to reschedule. Since he hasn't, next the flaky dude.
Grey40 Posted April 6, 2016 Posted April 6, 2016 Coming from a guys perspective I think the fact that he canceled on you is enough to show he's having doubts.if I had a date scheduled with a girl that I liked there's no way in hell I would hang out with my friends instead. A lot easier to come up with an excuse with them than with a girl. I think maybe he was interested but when push came to shove to actually meet he's not that interested. The only other explanation is that he's been told to play some stupid hard to get game 1
smudge21 Posted April 6, 2016 Posted April 6, 2016 I personally think you're being a tad harsh with him. Yeah it sucks that he cancelled, but those plans could've been made earlier and he simply forgot OR currently his friends are more important. Be honest, right now, I'm sure you're friends are also more important as you barely know each other. If you like him, then agree to a date and let him make the arrangements (that suit you). If he bails again, then yeah, definitely step away and tell him you're going to see someone else. It comes down to is he worth one more chance? 2
Author Heloooo Posted April 6, 2016 Author Posted April 6, 2016 I personally think you're being a tad harsh with him. Yeah it sucks that he cancelled, but those plans could've been made earlier and he simply forgot OR currently his friends are more important. Be honest, right now, I'm sure you're friends are also more important as you barely know each other. If you like him, then agree to a date and let him make the arrangements (that suit you). If he bails again, then yeah, definitely step away and tell him you're going to see someone else. It comes down to is he worth one more chance? I slept on it because I know I overreact when I'm upset. Maybe I am being a little too hard on him. He probably did think we're going to have coffee during the week instead of the weekend. He has been texting me non stop and sending me pics of the place he is in for work. So I feel a bit bad I've been giving him the cold shoulder. Obviously a guys weekend away is more important and I too probably wouldn't say no. If he does it again then I'll take a step back 2
smudge21 Posted April 6, 2016 Posted April 6, 2016 I slept on it because I know I overreact when I'm upset. Maybe I am being a little too hard on him. He probably did think we're going to have coffee during the week instead of the weekend. He has been texting me non stop and sending me pics of the place he is in for work. So I feel a bit bad I've been giving him the cold shoulder. Obviously a guys weekend away is more important and I too probably wouldn't say no. If he does it again then I'll take a step back Yeah, always sleep on it, but if you still feel like there's something there and he's worth a chance, go for it. If he messes you around again, find someone else.
Toodaloo Posted April 6, 2016 Posted April 6, 2016 Don't pin your hopes. In my experience if a guy cancels a first date it usually means there will not be a first date and they will disappear. Harsh I know but as it is. I would just take a step back and start letting him initiate everything. Do not rely on him at all until he shows he is reliable. Go out with your friends. If they ask just say its fizzled and he doesn't appear to be interested any more so if they have any other hotties to please introduce you!
Emilia Posted April 6, 2016 Posted April 6, 2016 I slept on it because I know I overreact when I'm upset. Maybe I am being a little too hard on him. He probably did think we're going to have coffee during the week instead of the weekend. He has been texting me non stop and sending me pics of the place he is in for work. So I feel a bit bad I've been giving him the cold shoulder. Obviously a guys weekend away is more important and I too probably wouldn't say no. If he does it again then I'll take a step back I think this is smart. 'Two strikes and he is out' 1
smudge21 Posted April 6, 2016 Posted April 6, 2016 He has been making a lot of contact recently according to the OP, so it does sound like he is keen to meet up. I agree that when someone cancels it's then up to them to suggest alternatives or at least make all the effort now, so if he'd gone quiet then fair enough. In this case I think he's worth a second chance... but that's all. 1
Toodaloo Posted April 6, 2016 Posted April 6, 2016 He has been making a lot of contact recently according to the OP, so it does sound like he is keen to meet up. I agree that when someone cancels it's then up to them to suggest alternatives or at least make all the effort now, so if he'd gone quiet then fair enough. In this case I think he's worth a second chance... but that's all. It doesn't - it just means he wants to tell some one what he is doing and show off photos... Seems more that he wants a pen pal to me than a lover... Just saying! He organised and then canceled first date. Let him run for the rabbit if he wants it...
jen1447 Posted April 6, 2016 Posted April 6, 2016 Also if he goofed up on the weekend thing there should have been an explanation and an apology. The way it sounds tho it was just he decided to do the friends thing. This is actually a fairly common string-along technique some ppl use to get others used to being at their convenience. Not saying that's this guy necessarily but it does happen. Once you start playing ball it gets harder and harder to stop.
Emilia Posted April 6, 2016 Posted April 6, 2016 I guess I think the stringing along comes after having sex. There doesn't seem to be much point before it. 2
jen1447 Posted April 6, 2016 Posted April 6, 2016 I guess I think the stringing along comes after having sex. There doesn't seem to be much point before it. It can be about getting the upper hand in 'adversarial dating' - sth that's more common w/younger generations (coincidentally to your other thread). The PUA types and manifestos feed into it - "never do a-b-c," "always do x-y-z," "make sure she doesn't feel like an equal," etc., etc. It's usually deeply cynical and exploitative. Again I don't know if that's this guy - he may be a peach - but what he's doing is a little suspicious to me bc of the trends nowadays.
katiegrl Posted April 6, 2016 Posted April 6, 2016 (edited) He has been making a lot of contact recently according to the OP, so it does sound like he is keen to meet up. I agree that when someone cancels it's then up to them to suggest alternatives or at least make all the effort now, so if he'd gone quiet then fair enough. In this case I think he's worth a second chance... but that's all. If he were keen to meet up, they would have already met up. We are talking about a 30 minute coffee date for heaven's sake, come on now. NOT a big elaborate date, it's COFFEE. Stop excusing shyt behavior ... if a guy (or girl) makes excuses not to meet for a damn 15-30 minute coffee within a week of first chatting, move the hell on. And for the record, I don't believe his story about his *friends*. Especially since he arranged to meet you first. Then made plans with his friends for the entire weekend and can't meet you for 30 minutes prior? I don't think so. He has been chatting with another girl and likes her better and would rather meet her first. And yes he most definitely blew you off. Block delete next. Edited April 6, 2016 by katiegrl 3
smudge21 Posted April 6, 2016 Posted April 6, 2016 If he were keen to meet up, they would have already met up. We are talking about a 30 minute coffee date for heaven's sake, come on now. Is there any particular reason why you could not have met up for 30 minutes during the week? Again, we are not talking a big elaborate date, it's COFFEE. Stop excusing shyt behavior ... if a guy (or girl) makes excuses not to meet for a damn 15-30 minute coffee *meet up* within a week of first chatting, move the hell on. Fair enough and I do totally agree in regards most cases like this, but it was a first date plan, JUST a coffee and for all we know, the ENTIRE WEEKEND AWAY thing was planned in advance and he forgot, OR, he decided that was more important. Yes, I know that sounds bad, but we are talking just a quick coffee date. It's not like they planned a dinner, movie, night out thing. The fact he's also been contacting her ever since does suggest he's still keen and I just think the OP shouldn't focus on this one failed attempt at a first meet up (can you even call it a proper date if it was just going to be 30 minutes for coffee?), and instead decide if she's still interested enough to let him take her out. Now if he cocks it up a second time then fair enough, job done, move on, the guys a tool. But walking away because he turned down a 30 minute coffee break? Well I wouldn't walk away from a girl over a failed quick meet up. In fact, I'd probably still allow them to make amends if a first date was cancelled... but it would definitely have to be them that jumped through the hoops and made all the effort at that point. I would never excuse shyt behaviour. I'm just not seeing that right now... but if I'm proved wrong then fair enough. Just my opinion. 1
katiegrl Posted April 6, 2016 Posted April 6, 2016 Fair enough and I do totally agree in regards most cases like this, but it was a first date plan, JUST a coffee and for all we know, the ENTIRE WEEKEND AWAY thing was planned in advance and he forgot, OR, he decided that was more important. Yes, I know that sounds bad, but we are talking just a quick coffee date. It's not like they planned a dinner, movie, night out thing. The fact he's also been contacting her ever since does suggest he's still keen and I just think the OP shouldn't focus on this one failed attempt at a first meet up (can you even call it a proper date if it was just going to be 30 minutes for coffee?), and instead decide if she's still interested enough to let him take her out. Now if he cocks it up a second time then fair enough, job done, move on, the guys a tool. But walking away because he turned down a 30 minute coffee break? Well I wouldn't walk away from a girl over a failed quick meet up. In fact, I'd probably still allow them to make amends if a first date was cancelled... but it would definitely have to be them that jumped through the hoops and made all the effort at that point. I would never excuse shyt behaviour. I'm just not seeing that right now... but if I'm proved wrong then fair enough. Just my opinion. smudge, I don't neceaasily agree the continued contact means he is definitely keen. Being that be blew her off for a simple coffee this weekend, It means he wants to keep her on backburner. IMO. Why waste time with these flakes? Seriously. There is a whole world out there full of men and women who don't *forget* previous plans, make excuses or otherwise blow people off ...before even meeting! This is a red flag, again before even meeting! Date smart and choose wisely! Move on from peeps like this early on and avoid headaches later. 2
clia Posted April 6, 2016 Posted April 6, 2016 Well, personally I would choose a weekend away with my friends over a coffee date with a stranger (no matter how much I liked him) without hesitation, so I don't think it matters whether he forgot about it or planned it afterward. He doesn't even know OP. The fact that you're hurt by this shows you are already too invested in this guy. Just relax and go with the flow. Stop texting with him so much. It's creating false intimacy for you. If he reschedules, you'll know he's interested. Until then, it's all just noise. Date others and don't worry about it. 1
katiegrl Posted April 6, 2016 Posted April 6, 2016 smudge, I don't neceaasily agree the continued contact means he is definitely keen. Being that be blew her off for a simple coffee this weekend, It means he wants to keep her on backburner. IMO. Why waste time with these flakes? Seriously. There is a whole world out there full of men and women who don't *forget* previous plans, make excuses or otherwise blow people off ...before even meeting! This is a red flag, again before even meeting! Date smart and choose wisely! Move on from peeps like this early on and avoid headaches later. ETA: He did not even offer an alternative date to meet. No of course he didn't. He is waiting to see how he and the girl he is meeting this weekend click. Which is actually what he is doing this weekend and why he blew OP off. There are no plans with friends that he conveniently *forgot* about. Give me a break.
katiegrl Posted April 6, 2016 Posted April 6, 2016 (edited) Well, personally I would choose a weekend away with my friends over a coffee date with a stranger (no matter how much I liked him) without hesitation, so I don't think it matters whether he forgot about it or planned it afterward. He doesn't even know OP. The fact that you're hurt by this shows you are already too invested in this guy. Just relax and go with the flow. Stop texting with him so much. It's creating false intimacy for you. If he reschedules, you'll know he's interested. Until then, it's all just noise. Date others and don't worry about it. If he had plans with friends, fine, no problem! But then why plan and agree to meet with OP during the same time then? I find it extremely difficult to believe he *forgot* about these previous plans. And then not offering an alternative date when cancelling? What does this tell you? Is this how you treat people? Anyone, whether you had met them previously or not. Make plans and then something better comes along so you blow them off? And don't reschedule? Again, 30 minutes! I sure wouldn't, but to each his own I suppose. Edited April 6, 2016 by katiegrl
clia Posted April 6, 2016 Posted April 6, 2016 If he had plans with friends, fine, no problem! But then why plan and agree to meet with OP during the same time then? I find it extremely difficult to believe he *forgot* about these previous plans. And then not offering an alternative date when cancelling? What does this tell you? Is this how you treat people? Anyone, whether you had met them previously or not. Make plans and then something better comes along so you blow them off? And don't reschedule? Again, 30 minutes! I sure wouldn't, but to each his own I suppose. Yes, katie, I make it a practice to treat people like crap, if that's what you're inferring. I guess I'm just more laid back about things like this. It was a first meet for coffee, not even a real date. My guess is he and his friends decided somewhat last minute to go somewhere for the weekend, but obviously I don't know the guy and have no idea. Maybe he's a ditz and forgot his plans. Either way, I would totally understand someone cancelling coffee to go away for the weekend. As for why he didn't immediately reschedule, I don't know the answer to that and neither do you. I don't automatically jump to the worst assumption. Maybe he's traveling for work again the following week and won't be home. I mean, who knows? Time will tell. I stand by my previous advice that she should just go with the flow, text him less, and date others. 4
Author Heloooo Posted April 6, 2016 Author Posted April 6, 2016 It doesn't - it just means he wants to tell some one what he is doing and show off photos... Seems more that he wants a pen pal to me than a lover... Just saying! He organised and then canceled first date. Let him run for the rabbit if he wants it... He is showing me pics of where he is working. Its nothing exciting so I doubt he wants to show it off. He has already organized the date for when he comes back so I'll give him the benefit of the doubt. 3
Recommended Posts