xyz1234 Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 (edited) I'm always hearing about this "hookup culture" that's become the norm nowadays, and how people can't find relationships because all anyone wants to do is hookup... So why is it that I can't find a hookup to save my life? Every girl I meet says she wants a serious relationship. Are they lying? Am I an idiot for taking their word for it and not pursuing them if I decide I'm not interested in them for more than casual sex? Do I just come across as too much of a nice guy, someone who looks/acts relationship worthy, so I attract these types? The last girl I went on a couple dates with told me that she thought I was the type of guy that girls want to marry. She gave VERY mixed signals though. On one hand when I first met her she said she was the relationship type, yet she was very sexually aggressive on both dates (said she wanted to have sex on the first date but "physically couldn't," and brought me home for sex on the second date only to immediately turn on Netflix and pass out on the couch, then ghosted while planning our next date). On our second date while making out she also made a comment that her family always told her she'd end up marrying an Italian guy (I'm Italian). She was all over the place, I have no idea what she wanted. Since then I've been on dates with two girls, and both told me they are the relationship type. And I'm pretty sure I have no intention of getting into a relationship with either of them, yet I'm attracted enough that I'd be down to hookup. They're both clearly very interested in seeing me again, and I'm stuck thinking that I'm only going to hurt them, so I do nothing, per usual. I'm texting 9 girls right now and just feel like I'm the on same page with 0 of them, so I don't have much interest in seeing them. Anyway, what I think I'd like at this point is to date someone casually, have sex fairly early, and then figure out if we can stand each other and decide from there what type of relationship it's going to be, without any preconceived notions. But it seems like I'd have better luck finding a unicorn than finding a girl who feels the same way. It probably makes me sound like a guy who just wants to get laid, but you know what, I'm in my late 20s and have little sexual/relationship experience, and right now I don't feel comfortable diving head first into a serious relationship. So what do I do? Just keep seeing these girls, regardless of what my future intentions may be? Sometimes I wish I could disregard peoples feelings like they seem to do to me, but I just can't bring myself to be like that... Edited April 10, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language~T
kismetkismet Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 Do you meet them online? I feel like on a lot of the online dating things you can say that you're not looking for anything too serious or can put "see what happens" sort of stuff. As for the girls you've recently gone out with - If you're not sure where you want the relationship to go you can just say that. Then it is up to them if they want to date you casually and see where it goes. i think it's just all about honesty here. If relationship intentions come up, just be completely honest with them. If they don't, then you can just feel things out as they go. going on several dates with someone isn't a promise to be in a serious relationship with them, and being in a relationship with them isn't a promise to get married.
hasaquestion Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 (edited) I'm always hearing about this "hookup culture" that's become the norm nowadays, and how people can't find relationships because all anyone wants to do is hookup... So why is it that I can't find a hookup to save my life? Every girl I meet says she wants a serious relationship. Are they lying? Am I an idiot for taking their word for it and not pursuing them if I decide I'm not interested in them for more than casual sex? Do I just come across as too much of a nice guy, someone who looks/acts relationship worthy, so I attract these types? The last girl I went on a couple dates with told me that she thought I was the type of guy that girls want to marry. She gave VERY mixed signals though. On one hand when I first met her she said she was the relationship type, yet she was very sexually aggressive on both dates (said she wanted to have sex on the first date but "physically couldn't," and brought me home for sex on the second date only to immediately turn on Netflix and pass out on the couch, then ghosted while planning our next date). On our second date while making out she also made a comment that her family always told her she'd end up marrying an Italian guy (I'm Italian). She was all over the place, I have no idea what she wanted. Since then I've been on dates with two girls, and both told me they are the relationship type. And I'm pretty sure I have no intention of getting into a relationship with either of them, yet I'm attracted enough that I'd be down to hookup. They're both clearly very interested in seeing me again, and I'm stuck thinking that I'm only going to hurt them, so I do nothing, per usual. I'm texting 9 girls right now and just feel like I'm the on same page with 0 of them, so I don't have much interest in seeing them. Anyway, what I think I'd like at this point is to date someone casually, have sex fairly early, and then figure out if we can stand each other and decide from there what type of relationship it's going to be, without any preconceived notions. But it seems like I'd have better luck finding a unicorn than finding a girl who feels the same way. It probably makes me sound like a guy who just wants to get laid, but you know what, I'm in my late 20s and have little sexual/relationship experience, and right now I don't feel comfortable diving head first into a serious relationship. So what do I do? Just keep seeing these girls, regardless of what my future intentions may be? Sometimes I wish I could disregard peoples feelings like they seem to do to me, but I just can't bring myself to be like that... Maybe you are the "relationship type". It's definitely possible. But bear in mind, a lot of girls aren't going to say "you know what? I just wanna f**k" - even if its true. Society tells women to pretend that they're virginal sex-hating creatures, even though they like sex just as much as men do. It sounds to me like your problem is you don't know how to get a hookup. Not that you can't. Edited April 10, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language~T
jen1447 Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 Yeah, you seem like you're probably just 'being the nice guy.' There is a vetting process that goes on, like it or not. Rest assured all these women you talk to are busy having casual hookups with others while you text them nice thoughtful things. (j/k) 1
joseb Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 I can relate OP. I hear all about how everyone is just looking for hookups. Yet all I see and hear is women looking for something serious. Even on tinder, most of the profiles make me feel like a bad guy for wanting to use a hookup app to hook up! 2
PogoStick Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 Tell girls you're just looking to date but aren't looking for a serious relationship. Some of the girls who like you may be willing to have something casual if you don't let them tie you down. You have to hold your frame and some of them would rather have you for casual sex than nothing at all. Girls hold out on sex to get a relationship. You should hold out on a relationship to get sex. Just don't mislead anyone and then it's on her to decide if she's willing.
SwordofFlame Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 I have the same problem as OP. I can only seem to attract women that want relationships. :shrug:
ZA Dater Posted April 6, 2016 Posted April 6, 2016 How forthright are you with them? Do you make it very clear that all you want to do is hook up? What exactly are you saying to them what sort of dates are you taking them on? The hook up culture is something I personally frown upon but if that's what you want then you need to think about how you come across and how you communicate that objective.
truth_seeker Posted April 6, 2016 Posted April 6, 2016 I have the same problem as OP. I can only seem to attract women that want relationships. :shrug: Do the opposite: tell them you want a serious relationship and watch... they'll be all over you
truth_seeker Posted April 6, 2016 Posted April 6, 2016 Dating today is so crazy because of OLD and Apps... I met a woman on an app over a year ago. Talked for a bit, nothing happened. Year later we talked and hooked up once, haven't heard from her since. I wouldn't be surprised if I got a text 6 months from now about meeting up. This is how it's is... have options. I remember watching some horrible show and they were going through a celebrity's phone. They were joking how he had over 100 women's phone numbers in his phone and how they were categorized for each city he visited. That's the hook up culture.
loveweary11 Posted April 6, 2016 Posted April 6, 2016 Dating today is so crazy because of OLD and Apps... I met a woman on an app over a year ago. Talked for a bit, nothing happened. Year later we talked and hooked up once, haven't heard from her since. I wouldn't be surprised if I got a text 6 months from now about meeting up. This is how it's is... have options. I remember watching some horrible show and they were going through a celebrity's phone. They were joking how he had over 100 women's phone numbers in his phone and how they were categorized for each city he visited. That's the hook up culture. That's not even remarkable. Us mere normal people in this hookup culture have the same thing. I remember city by area codes and usually they come to me, but it's a bit ridiculous.
HillValley Posted April 6, 2016 Posted April 6, 2016 Hookups don't have to be two-sided agreements of casual sex or one-night stand. Just because a girl sleeps with a guy on a first or second date doesn't mean she doesn't want a relationship with him. Now if they guy just ghost on her then what? I hear all the time from my guy friends of sleeping with girls who had "no hookups" on their profile. They just pretended like they were interested until they slept with them. They were talking to 3 other girls the whole time. I think hookup culture is just a term that has expanded to qualify types of sexual relations that didn't happen as often before. The average person couldn't sleep with six different women in six nights in 1960 because women didn't occupy the same places as men in large numbers like today(work, gym, bars, college).
stillafool Posted April 6, 2016 Posted April 6, 2016 I can relate OP. I hear all about how everyone is just looking for hookups. Yet all I see and hear is women looking for something serious. Even on tinder, most of the profiles make me feel like a bad guy for wanting to use a hookup app to hook up! I thought Tinder was for hookups. Why would a woman looking for a serious relationship be on there?
BlueIris Posted April 6, 2016 Posted April 6, 2016 Anyway, what I think I'd like at this point is to date someone casually, have sex fairly early, and then figure out if we can stand each other and decide from there what type of relationship it's going to be, without any preconceived notions. But it seems like I'd have better luck finding a unicorn than finding a girl who feels the same way. It probably makes me sound like a guy who just wants to get laid, but you know what, I'm in my late 20s and have little sexual/relationship experience, and right now I don't feel comfortable diving head first into a serious relationship. So what do I do? Just keep seeing these girls, regardless of what my future intentions may be? Sometimes I wish I could disregard peoples feelings like they seem to do to me, but I just can't bring myself to be like that... Even my kids and their friends (in their 20's) don't do the hookup culture thing and they're my only frame of reference for younger people. So it certainly isn't universal and maybe it isn't as pervasive as you thought. On the point I bolded, jumping into a serious relationship isn't necessarily the only alternative. Some people spend time together for a while without sex on the agenda, and then figure out if they can stand each other and decide from there what type of relationship it's going to be, without any preconceived notions.
elaine567 Posted April 6, 2016 Posted April 6, 2016 Hookups don't have to be two-sided agreements of casual sex or one-night stand. Just because a girl sleeps with a guy on a first or second date doesn't mean she doesn't want a relationship with him. Now if they guy just ghost on her then what? I hear all the time from my guy friends of sleeping with girls who had "no hookups" on their profile. They just pretended like they were interested until they slept with them. They were talking to 3 other girls the whole time. ...and that is something to be admired???
HillValley Posted April 6, 2016 Posted April 6, 2016 ...and that is something to be admired??? Did I say it was? I'm just letting people know that hook-up culture is kind of a misnomer. Punk culture would be a set of values or looks everyone agrees on. Hook-up culture isn't something everyone agrees on or what constitutes a hook-up. My friends would say "they were talking to a girl on Tinder, we hooked up. I moved on cause I lost interest." The reality of the situation would sound like, "oh I lead her on and bailed cause I knew she wanted a relationship" sounds gross so he wouldn't describe it that way. 1
elaine567 Posted April 7, 2016 Posted April 7, 2016 I thought Tinder was for hookups. Why would a woman looking for a serious relationship be on there? I think according to the people posting on here, Tinder use can perhaps differ in different localities, for some it is just a hook up app for others it is just another dating app. Many people in serious relationships met on Tinder, so not just a hook up app. Very popular way to meet people globally. It is just a tool, a way to spread the net, anyone can take what they want out of it. People meet hook ups in bars and clubs, whilst others meet "serious relationship" people in bars or clubs, so it is more about the people involved rather than how they met, it is the same with Tinder or other dating apps.
Toodaloo Posted April 7, 2016 Posted April 7, 2016 If you only want to hook up then tell them that. If they say no, then shrug your shoulders and walk away. After all you have 9 girls there that you have no interest in so why bother with any of them? I have to say that normally if I am not interested I tend to just say and be done with it. So much easier than having them all over you constantly.
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