kismetkismet Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 This might seem like a stupid thing to make a post over since it’s over his ‘too good’ behaviour (eye roll), but I’m not trying to humble brag I'm just asking if anyone has advice or experience! My boyfriend moved in with me in march, but was basically living with me since the beginning of January. We make around the same amount of money and split bills etc. He gets up at 5:30am and works 6:30 – 2:30 (or later), and I work 9 – 5, but I also go to the gym/climb/run around 4 times a week and am in school part time. So our routine has been that I get up with him at 5:30 (this was tough to get used to haha), work out or do school work, go to work and then get home around 6pm, and he gets home from work around 3:30pm. When I come home from work 9 times out of 10 he’s cleaned the apartment, made dinner and sometimes has done laundry as well. This has been such a massive help for me and I thank him emphatically every day. But I feel really badly sometimes that I’m not able to return the favour.. I just don’t have the time or energy to do these things, and before he moved in my place was just messy and I ate takeout/boring easy food all the time. He doesn’t mind at all, in fact he kind of acts as if it’s just his job and will often thank me for ‘being so patient’ when dinner is a tiny bit late. But I’ve always wanted to be an equal contributor to relationships.. he just does SO MUCH I don’t know how to repay him when I have almost no time for myself to begin with. Does anyone have any experience with anything like this? I don’t want him to wind up resenting me or to create a long lasting imbalance in the relationship or something. 1
WhirlwindGuy Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 Does anyone have any experience with anything like this? I don’t want him to wind up resenting me or to create a long lasting imbalance in the relationship or something. Just make sure you are appreciative and try and find ways to do things for him. It doesn't have to be standard (like cleaning, or dinner, or whatever). Find out what he really likes and surprise him every once in a while. Never, ever take it for granted either. That, for me, would make it all worth while for a long time. 4
kgcolonel Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 Yes...I have been in that situation and still am....while a "super clean" house isn't necessary to me, it is to my wife....I'll gladly do what's necessary to ensure the house is up to standards (hers). In return, we / she has learned that she can "repay me" by listening to what is important to me and being engaged in those activities. We learned this from the Love Languages book...highly recommend it. We balance each other by listening to what is important to the other and valuing that and when possible, providing those things that mean so much to the other. 1
AndOrchid Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 Like others have said, pay attention to what he likes/what is important to him, and make an effort with those things. And if contributing equally is important to you, maybe you can try to fit some of the house work in the morning when you have extra time. You say that you get up at 5:30 and work at 9 so during those extra hours, you might be able to do laundry, light cleaning or make him breakfast/lunch, etc. Just some suggestions; you can decide what works in your particular situation. A good "problem" to have!
jen1447 Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 Does anyone have any experience with anything like this? I don’t want him to wind up resenting me or to create a long lasting imbalance in the relationship or something. I don't live w/my BF but he's about the same. I guess the difference is I don't feel guilty, haha. I think it's not complicated but it is a fine line - if you go overboard showing your discomfort over the 'injustice,' eventually he'll start to feel that and probably get irritated by it. At the same time you don't want to be unappreciative. So like w/most things, moderation - tell him thanks and show however much appreciation you feel comfy with but don't make it a BIG DEAL and don't telegraph guilt and anxiety. That'll just stress him out. So "thanks for dinner baby" is great, but not "oh my god I wish I could make dinner sometimes too" every night. 1
jen1447 Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 btw, it's cute he thanks you for your patience too. He sounds adorable. 2
Author kismetkismet Posted April 5, 2016 Author Posted April 5, 2016 Like others have said, pay attention to what he likes/what is important to him, and make an effort with those things. And if contributing equally is important to you, maybe you can try to fit some of the house work in the morning when you have extra time. You say that you get up at 5:30 and work at 9 so during those extra hours, you might be able to do laundry, light cleaning or make him breakfast/lunch, etc. Just some suggestions; you can decide what works in your particular situation. A good "problem" to have! It definitely is a good problem to have! And i'm very grateful. Just want to keep it as healthy as possible I don't FRET over it actively, i just want to make him as happy as he makes me. (sorry for the epic cheesiness) Unfortunately the morning is when I do the schoolwork or work out stuff. Working out isn't a vanity thing, I have ADHD, sleeping problems and a desk job and working out a ton is one of the things that keeps me sane and lets me sleep. I do tidy up whenever i do have some time, it's just much less frequent than his.. But thanks for all the advice! it's a good point to pay attention to what he values. I know he likes it when i'm a suck so i try to do that as much as possible because it's not my natural state of being in relationships. I'll pay attention for more ways.
preraph Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 No, don't know any man who does all that except for a SAHD with a doctor wife. Look at it this way, his day is 9 hours and because you're getting up at dawn to be with him, yours is 12. When you get up early, do his breakfast for him. Then also ask him if there is something he'd like you to take over. I bet there is. 1
Author kismetkismet Posted April 5, 2016 Author Posted April 5, 2016 btw, it's cute he thanks you for your patience too. He sounds adorable. Right?? haha that's why i wanna make sure I'm doing all I can. I think his last gf that he dated for 6 years (age 22-28) was super high maintenance and he thinks he has to do these things. He thinks that i'm a magical sweetheart when I don't mind getting takeout, or don't mind eating whatever he feels like cooking.
Author kismetkismet Posted April 5, 2016 Author Posted April 5, 2016 No, don't know any man who does all that except for a SAHD with a doctor wife. Look at it this way, his day is 9 hours and because you're getting up at dawn to be with him, yours is 12. When you get up early, do his breakfast for him. Then also ask him if there is something he'd like you to take over. I bet there is. What do you mean take something over? Like pick something up on my way home? Unfortunately the morning doesn't actually have much time in it for me because I either have classwork or need to workout (as explained above it's not a vanity thing, it's a mental health thing ) I will make an effort to do as much in that time as I can though.
Omei Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 That's awesome first few months tho he's totally honeymooning about your living together and putting his best foot forward just don't expect him to keep up his perfectness forever eventually he will settle in and settle down and you'll be dealing with taco farts and left over dishes. 1
joseb Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 Unfortunately the morning is when I do the schoolwork or work out stuff. Working out isn't a vanity thing, I have ADHD, sleeping problems and a desk job and working out a ton is one of the things that keeps me sane and lets me sleep. I do tidy up whenever i do have some time, it's just much less frequent than his.. You could work out after work sometimes, that way you have time in the morning to tidy up and give him a break from it. 1
AndOrchid Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 What do you mean take something over? Like pick something up on my way home? Unfortunately the morning doesn't actually have much time in it for me because I either have classwork or need to workout (as explained above it's not a vanity thing, it's a mental health thing ) I will make an effort to do as much in that time as I can though. I understand. That's why I suggested making him breakfast or preparing his lunch. Those things don't take much time but can make a difference when someone is rushing in the morning to go to work. Plus, you gotta eat too anyway!
Author kismetkismet Posted April 5, 2016 Author Posted April 5, 2016 That's awesome first few months tho he's totally honeymooning about your living together and putting his best foot forward just don't expect him to keep up his perfectness forever eventually he will settle in and settle down and you'll be dealing with taco farts and left over dishes. hahaha I would be absolutely fine with that!! I don't expect this from him at all. Joseb - You could work out after work sometimes, that way you have time in the morning to tidy up and give him a break from it. I guess I should try to sometimes! I guess the problem is that I really struggle with time/energy already. I have 40 hrs work, 4 hrs workout, 5-10hrs school, and 10hrs of commute at least per week (12+hrs a day). I am up/out of the house 5:30am - 6or 6:30pm every day and then have to go to bed at 9pm. I only have 2 hours every day where I get to sit still and I do actually think that he would rather i just hang out with him for those two hours most of the time. If i did the workout after work i wouldn't get home until 7:30 or 8:00, and then would have to shower and go to bed basically - I've done it occasionally when I have a heavy load at school. I think what I might do is try to take a morning once in a while to do a heavy deep clean - the things he doesn't like to do. Maybe try to do a run at lunch or something.. Hopefully our weekends will calm down a bit in the future and i will have more time then. (between now and june we only have one free weekend). I'm going to try my best not to take on anything else though too
jen1447 Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 Really kismet, the best thing you can do for a people pleaser is graciously accept what they do. It's their thing, and shaking that up by suddenly stepping in on their action might actually slow their roll. I wouldn't count on it ending btw, the BF's still going as strong as he ever has over here. 3
Author kismetkismet Posted April 5, 2016 Author Posted April 5, 2016 I understand. That's why I suggested making him breakfast or preparing his lunch. Those things don't take much time but can make a difference when someone is rushing in the morning to go to work. Plus, you gotta eat too anyway! He usually takes the leftovers from dinner for lunch, but maybe something like this could work. I just can't think exactly what because there literally aren't any spare minutes where I'm just at home not doing anything except the couple of hours we have in the evening together. I don't even remember the last time i had downtime by myself. BUT - Maybe if i got up a little earlier, like 5 or so I could make coffee and breakfast at least. Or maybe I need to figure out a way that I can work out on my lunch breaks. OR sometimes at work when I'm waiting for project segment from coworkers I could probably study (for example I've had a bunch of time with not much to do today, I'm just in between classes this week) Maybe some kind of better time efficiency schedule could work. If only i could study and drive at the same time!
Author kismetkismet Posted April 5, 2016 Author Posted April 5, 2016 Really kismet, the best thing you can do for a people pleaser is graciously accept what they do. It's their thing, and shaking that up by suddenly stepping in on their action might actually slow their roll. I wouldn't count on it ending btw, the BF's still going as strong as he ever has over here. This is truth! And I do try to remind him that it is absolutely not his job to do that, but that I appreciate it more than anything - it is seriously so nice not to have to choose between spending my 2 hrs of downtime cooking & cleaning or eating crackers and cheese for dinner and living in mess (i definitely usually chose the latter...) I'll do my best to help out and try to find some chunks of time to do things for him, but it's good to know other couples are in similar situations and it's working well. We've only been living together a few months, so I'll probably figure something out. I'm not much in the housewife department, too bad I can't write a paper for him or run really far and have that benefit him in some way haha.
joseb Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 Really kismet, the best thing you can do for a people pleaser is graciously accept what they do. It's their thing, and shaking that up by suddenly stepping in on their action might actually slow their roll. I wouldn't count on it ending btw, the BF's still going as strong as he ever has over here. You know what OP, Jen has a very good point. Maybe it's better not to rock the boat too much. Maybe is is just happier doing all that. Maybe "reward" him in other ways.... 5
Emilia Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 It sounds to me that you need a bit more sleep in the morning. What time does he go to bed in the evening?
planb1973 Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 Make sure you find time to do things for him! I am that guy who willingly does most of the work. I do it because I love my gf and know she does not have those couple of extra hours in the day that I do. However, after almost a year of this I woke up one morning thinking how things have been so out of balance. So I brought it up, and things have not been the same since. 1
lino Posted April 6, 2016 Posted April 6, 2016 Just show him you're appreciative of it, not really that hard. Is common courtesy really that rare now?
preraph Posted April 6, 2016 Posted April 6, 2016 What do you mean take something over? Like pick something up on my way home? Unfortunately the morning doesn't actually have much time in it for me because I either have classwork or need to workout (as explained above it's not a vanity thing, it's a mental health thing ) I will make an effort to do as much in that time as I can though. Doesn't have to be that or even anything too time consuming. Maybe you are the one that makes the bed or packs lunches. Maybe you are the one he gives the grocery list to and you do that. If he's going everything cheerfully, that's wonderful, and if it were me I'd want to visibly show my appreciation by helping any way I could.
Els Posted April 6, 2016 Posted April 6, 2016 Sounds like a non-problem to me, as long as you're appreciative and try to reciprocate where you can.
Author kismetkismet Posted April 6, 2016 Author Posted April 6, 2016 Emilia - unfortunately I'm a terrible sleeper so I can't fall back to sleep after he gets up at 5:30! Planb - I think that's what i was a little worried about. I've been the person that does more for the other person normally, and I didn't even think about it at first and enjoyed doing it.. but then at some stage (usually triggered by some larger issue) I began to resent it. I will definitely try to make an effort, it's good to hear that i'm not the only one. lino - haha i definitely do tell him i appreciate it! I was more asking whether that has been sufficient in other people's circumstances Preraph - yes, thanks! I've been thinking about it and I think that if I get up slightly earlier than him there are a few things that I can do that wouldn't be too time consuming but would be appreciated. elswyth - thanks I will, most definitely. _________________ Cheers everyone, that helped give me a bit of perspective. I'm going to try to find little slots of time to do things when I can, the kinds of things that don't take a lot of time but seem really nice haha.. like getting up 10 mins before him and making coffee or something. It's hard to set time aside sometimes when you feel so overloaded, but part of the reason i have any time at all is because of the things he does for me.
jen1447 Posted April 6, 2016 Posted April 6, 2016 Cheers everyone, that helped give me a bit of perspective. I'm going to try to find little slots of time to do things when I can, the kinds of things that don't take a lot of time but seem really nice haha.. like getting up 10 mins before him and making coffee or something. It's hard to set time aside sometimes when you feel so overloaded, but part of the reason i have any time at all is because of the things he does for me. That's actually one of the coolest little things you can do for someone - make them coffee and bring it to them in bed. Of course my BF does that too lol so in my case if I ever wanted to try it I'd probably have to fight him for control of the coffee maker. 1
Recommended Posts