Mangoose Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 Hi, I'm new on here and want to say where I am at, and any advice anyone may have to help me deal with everything. So I was with my ex partner for just over 6 years, we were engaged and were planning our lives together and lived together. Then suddenly one day he says he is not happy anymore and just leaves. This was 18 months ago, he has always stayed in contact and always said that he really cares about me and whenever he imagines marrying someone he always sees me. He also has been struggling with depression which is what has made this all harder as it's hard to tell if some of his behaviour is depression or just him being not very nice. So he basically led me on for all this time and I find out he has been seeing someone else this whole time, someone who he has been sleeping with, but he is not in a relationship as in boyfriend/girlfriend. He says he doesn't know what he wants and feels confused and numb, but this has been going on for a year and a half he can be hot and cold, but is never affectionate towards me anymore as he says he doesn't want to cause me more hurt as he cares. But he is happy to go and sleep with this other women. A women who I can't see him having a future with as he is 30 and she is over 40 and can't have children anymore and he has always wanted children of his own. None of it makes any sense but he won't commit either way, he won't say he wants to be with me and he want say he doesn't want to be with me. So I am left in limbo. I have also been trying to date as I feel I have been taken advantage of and want to find someone who knows they want me and doesn't have to think about it. But I am finding the dating thing really hard, which also makes me think how can he sleep with someone for months when I struggle to even date someone, did I mean that little. I am worried if I wait I will lose the opportunity of meeting someone and I really want a family of my own too and I'm 27. I still love him and want him to wake up and realise he loves me still, but I have lost hope and feel just really sad and heartbroken and not sure what to do for the best. This guy I have gone on a date with is keen to go on more dates and he seems like a really nice guy, but all I really want is my ex Any advice on helping me through this or thoughts is appreciated. 1
TaraMaiden2 Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 ....So I was with my ex partner for just over 6 years, we were engaged and were planning our lives together and lived together. Then suddenly one day he says he is not happy anymore and just leaves. This was 18 months ago, he has always stayed in contact and always said that he really cares about me and whenever he imagines marrying someone he always sees me. He also has been struggling with depression which is what has made this all harder as it's hard to tell if some of his behaviour is depression or just him being not very nice. So he basically led me on for all this time and I find out he has been seeing someone else this whole time, someone who he has been sleeping with, but he is not in a relationship as in boyfriend/girlfriend. He says he doesn't know what he wants and feels confused and numb, but this has been going on for a year and a half he can be hot and cold, but is never affectionate towards me anymore as he says he doesn't want to cause me more hurt as he cares. But he is happy to go and sleep with this other women. A women who I can't see him having a future with as he is 30 and she is over 40 and can't have children anymore and he has always wanted children of his own. None of it makes any sense but he won't commit either way, he won't say he wants to be with me and he want say he doesn't want to be with me. So I am left in limbo. Actually, dearest, you're not. It would be more correct to say that due to your weakness in wanting to be with him, you have kept yourself in limbo. It's quite simple: At this point - Then suddenly one day he says he is not happy anymore and just leaves. You should have shut down all contact, and protected yourself from any further connection or interaction with him, in any way whatsoever, period, full stop, end of story... I have also been trying to date as I feel I have been taken advantage of and want to find someone who knows they want me and doesn't have to think about it. But I am finding the dating thing really hard, You're not ready to date, you're not over him yet.... which also makes me think how can he sleep with someone for months when I struggle to even date someone, did I mean that little. Can I be blunt? Yes. To him, you were the secondary option and he kept you hanging on while lying and cheating. You meant little to him, but in truth, HE is the worthless one, and not a single word or action is either trustworthy or has anything honourable about it. He's an absolute waste of time, space and valuable oxygen. I am worried if I wait I will lose the opportunity of meeting someone and I really want a family of my own too and I'm 27.Don't even think of waiting! What on earth are you thinking - ?! Stop this, close it doen, go No Contact (see the NC Guide in my signature) and kick him to kingdom come, right now!! I still love him and want him to wake up and realise he loves me still, but I have lost hope and feel just really sad and heartbroken and not sure what to do for the best. Gosh, he has weakened your willpower and senses to the point of you being a virtual doormat! Please get this: he is a worthless piece of s**T, and doesn't deserve a single instant more of you, at all. He will never come back, he is not your future, and he is a lying, cheating worthless, spineless jerk. And that's being really kind..... This guy I have gone on a date with is keen to go on more dates and he seems like a really nice guy, but all I really want is my ex Any advice on helping me through this or thoughts is appreciated. Tell this lovely guy the truth, go No Contact, and do not give that "man" another thought. Block his every way of getting in touch with you, contacting you, seeing you, speaking with you, communicating with you and do not give him the privilege of being in your life when he makes it totally clear you have no place in his. He's using you. he's bouncing you around and keeping you simmering on the sidelines and feeding you rubbish. Please, gather whatever dignity and self-worth you can, and abandon him to his own aimless and worthless fate. Read the Guide - and stick to it 100%, 100% of the time. 2
Author Mangoose Posted April 5, 2016 Author Posted April 5, 2016 Actually, dearest, you're not. It would be more correct to say that due to your weakness in wanting to be with him, you have kept yourself in limbo. It's quite simple: At this point - You should have shut down all contact, and protected yourself from any further connection or interaction with him, in any way whatsoever, period, full stop, end of story... You're not ready to date, you're not over him yet.... Can I be blunt? Yes. To him, you were the secondary option and he kept you hanging on while lying and cheating. You meant little to him, but in truth, HE is the worthless one, and not a single word or action is either trustworthy or has anything honourable about it. He's an absolute waste of time, space and valuable oxygen. Don't even think of waiting! What on earth are you thinking - ?! Stop this, close it doen, go No Contact (see the NC Guide in my signature) and kick him to kingdom come, right now!! Gosh, he has weakened your willpower and senses to the point of you being a virtual doormat! Please get this: he is a worthless piece of s**T, and doesn't deserve a single instant more of you, at all. He will never come back, he is not your future, and he is a lying, cheating worthless, spineless jerk. And that's being really kind..... Tell this lovely guy the truth, go No Contact, and do not give that "man" another thought. Block his every way of getting in touch with you, contacting you, seeing you, speaking with you, communicating with you and do not give him the privilege of being in your life when he makes it totally clear you have no place in his. He's using you. he's bouncing you around and keeping you simmering on the sidelines and feeding you rubbish. Please, gather whatever dignity and self-worth you can, and abandon him to his own aimless and worthless fate. Read the Guide - and stick to it 100%, 100% of the time. I want to say thank you, that is exactly what I needed and what I have wanted someone to tell me. I know that although he has been the one to treat me awfully that I have allowed it when I could have stopped all contact a long time ago. I will read through the NC guide, I know it is going to be really hard as I miss what we use to have, but I know that is what we use to have and I will never get that back. I know I need to move on, and I know that he is not right for me, it's just really really hard letting go of how it use to be. It isn't even him that I miss it's the him I use to know. I think may be that some counselling may help me work through this and make me work through why I let someone treat me this way. But thank you loads for your reply, I was looking for honest advice 2
treezy Posted April 8, 2016 Posted April 8, 2016 You don't have to date at this point if you don't feel like you're ready. I think many people choose to date shortly after a relationship because it serves as a form of defense mechanism thingy. Like you just want to feel wanted because it boosts your self-esteem when it's at an all-time low. I would say give it time. Give yourself time. After all you can't really love someone new if you're still harping on history. Remain in NC. I suggest not responding to his messages at all. He has led you on. Why let him do it over and over? I find therapy works for me. Maybe you could try that. Else, spend some time catching up with friends and things you missed during the relationship. In any case just leave that guy alone and make sure he leaves you alone to heal too. 1
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