dbruster0902 Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 I know people have many different opinions about this subject. But I'm curious, is it possible to stay friends with someone after a breakup? I never have before now and I have to say it's a real struggle. Not because I don't want the friendship - I do, badly. It's just I'm not the one who called the relationship off. I'm still madly in love with this person. I'd give anything to be back with her. We were best friends before we got romantically involved. We are best friends now after the break up. However, things feel so strange off and on. One minute it's like an amazing best friendship. Nothing feels odd or out of place. Other days, I feel more like I'm just in her way. Or I'm more of a nuisance. It's very up and down and it's like that almost weekly. It almost feels as if someone else is around to hang out, there will be a little less chatting with me. I'm trying not to get all oh poor me, but it's hard enough when you miss them so badly as a lover. Then you add hot and cold behavior to the friendship. I'm also good at reading more into things than I should. She could be having a bad week or feeling tired, and I automatically think I did something wrong or she's wanting to avoid me. I'm very insecure, if you can't tell lol. I want our friendship to be stronger than ever. I'm going to keep trying to move on from the lover part, but I feel as if I can't do that if I don't have my best friend beside me. If I feel like I'm more in the way or she's annoyed with me, it's like I've lost both. And the thought of that is unbearable. 3
mikeylo Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 is it possible to stay friends with someone after a breakup? Everything is possible but it really comes down to should you or not. I vote for not. Breakup means done,finished.Move on yourself and let others move on. Go NC for each others benefit. 1
d0nnivain Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 In the immediate aftermath of a break up it is not possible to be just friends. There's too much longing an a whole aspect of what had connected you is missing. Later on, several YEARS later, it is possible, I suppose but at that point you are probably at different spaces in your lives & the friendship makes less sense. 1
CarrieT Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 With the exception of two Exes (one whom I believe is dead and the other who lives in an alcoholic rehab facility), I am friends with ALL of my old partners. The difference is - and I think this is a big one - the friendships were never maintained immediately after the relationship ended. Time and space apart were required to be able to heal from hurt. In some cases, it took several years before I was able to contact them - or vice-versa - to reinitiate a friend-based relationship. The fact that you would give anything to be back with her is telling that you can't be friends yet. You are still too invested. You are still madly in love with her. Now I deeply love my Exes, but no longer in a romantic way. Just in a caring, sisterly way that enables the friendship. You need to go NC and stay that way until the longing and passion are gone. Then maybe you can be friends again. 3
fitnessfan365 Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 The first thing you need to do is be honest with yourself. Are you saying you want to maintain the friendship to keep her in your life hoping you'll get back together? This isn't what you'll want to do. But what you probably need to do IMO, is step away for awhile until the romantic feelings fade. This may take years to happen. But until you can honestly say you have no romantic attachment at all, you'll only wind up making yourself miserable. 1
preraph Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 You can't be friends for long if you're in love still because she's going to date other men and can't have you interfering in that. 2
ff12343 Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 she's going to date other men and can't have you interfering in that. OP, as hurtful as that is, it is true. NC does help. I promise. 2
Elwood Posted March 11, 2016 Posted March 11, 2016 I'm in a similar situation but mine is long distance. She doesn't love me but I'm still in love with her. She told me she wanted friendship after but doesn't treat me like a friend. I'm more of an "acquaintance" now. I believe you can be friends but probably not until your feelings of romantic love are gone. In my situation I can't handle that she is seeing other guys and she knows that which is one reason she keeps me at a distance. I know what you are going through. Try no contact for a bit. You were friends before and you can be again. 1
road Posted March 11, 2016 Posted March 11, 2016 I'm in a similar situation but mine is long distance. She doesn't love me but I'm still in love with her. She told me she wanted friendship after but doesn't treat me like a friend. I'm more of an "acquaintance" now. I believe you can be friends but probably not until your feelings of romantic love are gone. In my situation I can't handle that she is seeing other guys and she knows that which is one reason she keeps me at a distance. I know what you are going through. Try no contact for a bit. You were friends before and you can be again. This friendship was offer to let you down easy and hope that you will eventually take the hint and hit the road. OP, you had your shot at love with her. She is done. She is not going back there again. Your best bet is to go NC with her and find a new woman that will be your both your best friend and girlfriend. 1
Katiely Posted March 12, 2016 Posted March 12, 2016 I do exactly know where you are coming from, I'm in a similar position. After a month of (almost) no contact, we both wanted to see each other again and it has been awkward at times. Now, a couple of months later, we are slowly getting the old closeness back, however I have to admit that because of me still having feelings for him, it makes it quite difficult emotionally. It doesn't help that he is seeing someone else, but still wants to keep me in his life and even when I'm going NC he keeps contacting me on an almost daily basis. I'm hoping for the best but expecting the worst.. Good luck with everything! 1
road Posted March 12, 2016 Posted March 12, 2016 I do exactly know where you are coming from, I'm in a similar position. After a month of (almost) no contact, we both wanted to see each other again and it has been awkward at times. Now, a couple of months later, we are slowly getting the old closeness back, however I have to admit that because of me still having feelings for him, it makes it quite difficult emotionally. It doesn't help that he is seeing someone else, but still wants to keep me in his life and even when I'm going NC he keeps contacting me on an almost daily basis. I'm hoping for the best but expecting the worst.. Good luck with everything! He is being selfish. Just throwing you enough bread crumbs to keep you around as his plan B. His actions are preventing you from healing over the break up. No friend would prevent your healing. Block his number, change yours, block him on everything else and go NC. Then you will be ready to let a real man into your life. 2
Bufo Posted March 13, 2016 Posted March 13, 2016 I am living proof that it is possible. It took a period of some years before she'd speak to me again but we did. Actually became better friends than we were before the break up. And I got married to another woman about 4 months post breakup. But it wasn't easy or preordained. I was able to help her personally at first then professionally. But to be truthful it was more a telephone type of relationship as I never again saw her alone. I didn't trust myself enough to take that risk. I didn't want to be a cheating husband. There was no magic wayback machine that allowed me to forget the sexual relationship we'd had. Be careful. Sure we saw each other in groups and that was just fine. Emotions never played much of a part post breakup so yes it was different. 1
Author dbruster0902 Posted March 17, 2016 Author Posted March 17, 2016 Well, my ex and I have been apart now for four months or so. It's always hard to give an exact number because we've been flirty off and on during that time and even kind of hooked up a little. Not full on sex for about six months, but some kissing and heavy flirting. Even after the break up, we've stayed very close. We were best friends first. And there was still a lot of affection and love there. In the last two or three weeks, something has changed drastically. I'm not sure what it is or why it happened (nothing new happened between us to bring up old wounds), but it happened. Suddenly she's not as talkative with me. She claims she is trying to communicate less with all of her friends (if that's true, I don't know). Now it seems as if there's very little affection from her. It's heartbreaking. She knows I want us to be able to fix our issues and try again. Heck, even if it was baby steps at this point I'd be happy. I get a lot of hot and cold actions from her. One minute she'll be reminiscing or making comments/jokes about things we used to do (and I'm talking inside jokes about sexual things we did) and shoot me a sexy look, then minutes later...BAM, cold. She does know I'm still very interested. I don't know what this is all about, but it's so hard. Even on the friend level, it feels as if she's pulled back a lot. I don't know what to do. I'm so hurt, upset, confused and scared. I love this woman more than anything. It was a mix of things that caused us to break up. I created some issues and there were some other things, but eventually it had to just end. I of course would do anything to fix things. There was talk recently of "maybe" in the future. But that may have been said to just get me to shut up. 1
Author dbruster0902 Posted March 17, 2016 Author Posted March 17, 2016 I've been reading the posts on this site. It's amazing how similar some of the situations are. Reading these has been both positive and negative. When we are in an affair, we tend to think that ours is a special thing that is different from everyone else. Yes it may be an affair, but the other person actually loves me and we have something special. But the more I read, it sounds like the same thing over and over. The same back and fourth crap that everyone else is going through. Basically my story is very similar. Affair starts, passion is flying and everyone is happy. It's intense, its fun and you just can't get enough. My mistake...I allowed this to happen with my best friend. Yes, stupid, stupid, stupid mistake. Now, we are broken up (she called it off) and the friendship is still there, but even that is starting to feel odd. Maybe its just because now it feels like a regular friendship. I should mention that I want so badly to be back with her. I've even said and promised that I WILL NOT ever ask her to leave her husband. When we first started the affair, things were not good between them. Now they are actually going well. The good part of me should just let her go and continue to work on that. But I'm so in love with her. Madly. We've had our moments since the breakup of on and off again. Lots of flirting (which in the last few weeks has slowed way down). I'm so sad. We've had our ups and downs, off's and on's. But never was it ever officially "over." And now it feels like it might actually be over-over. I know I should cut my losses and be thankful that we never were caught and that no one else was hurt. Me or her being hurt is terrible, but we also allowed this to happen. Our spouses and families would be another story. I'm just really having a hard time moving past her. 2
Author dbruster0902 Posted April 5, 2016 Author Posted April 5, 2016 UGH...ex and I have been broken up for about six months or so. Kind of were off and on during that time. But hadn't done anything major (sexually). I've really struggled with this. I love her deeply and would give anything to get back with her. She on the other hand has been slowly moving forward and has said we won't get back together. She is used to being pursued by exes. She has one in particular who is trying to get with her. I'm terrified she will give in. I love this woman so much. Well, a week ago, we hooked up and had sex. For about a week we kept hooking up. We didn't talk much about it, but the sex was amazing. The only issue is, that I knew right away it put me back about 500 steps in the healing process. I also kept looking for little signs that maybe she wants to get back together. We talked the other day and she said it was basically just fun sex and she didn't know if there were more feelings to it or not. I'm heartbroken. I don't know what to do next. 1
Satu Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 snip *I don't know what to do next.( She obviously finds it entertaining to be pursued by a few guys at the same time... If you don't want to be hurt any more than you already have been, do this: *No direct contact. *No sending or receiving of messages. *Block any means she might use to contact you. *No replies to anything that gets through your blocks. *No indirect contact through third parties. *De-friend or delete from all social media. *No monitoring of her on social media. *No 'little birds' feeding you news. *Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what she is doing or saying. Take care.
Author dbruster0902 Posted April 5, 2016 Author Posted April 5, 2016 The problem with NC, is that we are good friends and live in the same village as one another.
Satu Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 The problem with NC, is that we are good friends and live in the same village as one another. No. You're not good friends. You are a lovesick rejected lover that she doesn't care about.
preraph Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 You need to get out of her life on any type of regular basis and just become friendly acquaintances who rarely ever see each other and don't text but maybe once a month. Here's why: You both need to move on if it didn't work out, and you can't do that if everyone still thinks you're together. She is going to distance herself from you around others so they don't get the wrong idea and think you're together. If it's over, then you can't move on and still be around her all the time. I tried going back to being good friends with a guy who had kind of insisted we make a try as a couple after his divorce. I was fine just being friends. It didn't work out and then I still wanted to be friends, so we'd go to lunch or whatever and then I could hear the bitterness in his voice and we both just had to distance ourselves because he was hurt it didn't work out. I was hurt the friendship could no longer be anything more than acquaintances. He moved on really quickly, though, with someone he'd chosen me over who was after him and they ended up married all these years. She gives me the stink eye if I'm in the vicinity, so I now avoid any contact (he's in a band I'm friends with, so yes, it is a sacrifice because staying away from him also makes the other guys feel they can't be friends either and we were once like family). I have remained friends with someone I was in love with for a very long time, but he was also responsible or at least partly so for two huge traumas in my life, so I have also hated him at times. It took a long time to decide to talk to him again for my own peace of mind. For years, even though we weren't together, things would start to get romantic if we were in a room alone together because we were very passionate. But because of a prior betrayal, I would stop it, though I now sometimes question whether I should have. But he wasn't going to commit because he needed kids, he'd already betrayed and hurt me once, and I just wouldn't let it happen. Now we're both old and we're friends again. I would say I'm one of his best friends, but we rarely ever see each other. He is married with kids and I feel comfortable being friends and I think he does too, but it's not friends who hang out. Just keep in touch and maybe go do something once a year alone or with others. But please realize it took me years of ups and down and really some bad trauma to get me to the point I can comfortably just be friends, and if he and I hadn't ended up working together for a decade, we wouldn't have so much of a foundation for our friendship, but we were on parallel paths for some time, so it was kind of inevitable. I guess to sum up, unless you just have more in common with them than anyone else, the easier path, though painful at first, is probably to just let go so you can both move on. It's not fair to stay around and block her from getting a new boyfriend. 1
Author dbruster0902 Posted April 5, 2016 Author Posted April 5, 2016 (edited) No. You're not good friends. You are a lovesick rejected lover that she doesn't care about. Normally I'd say "ouch" to that comment, but I think you are probably right. Sadly. She knows how much I love her. That I'd do anything for her. Trying to move on, but its just so difficult. Edited April 5, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote ~6 1
Satu Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 Normally I'd say "ouch" to that comment, but I think you are probably right. Sadly. She knows how much I love her. That I'd do anything for her. Trying to move on, but its just so difficult. It takes a degree of self-discipline and determination, but its worth the effort. Living life as the lovesick ex of an unloving person doesn't have much to recommend it. Take care.
Robert Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 Note from moderation: As this situation is in regards to an affair between two women that are both currently married to men, we've moved this to the Infidelity section and merged a few threads together. Please carry on. Thanks, ~6 I should mention we are both married to men 1
Author dbruster0902 Posted April 5, 2016 Author Posted April 5, 2016 I appreciate all of the feedback and the stories. It's a crappy place to be in. And most people on this site know the pain that comes from feeling broken and lost. I knew better than to mess around. I couldn't help myself. The woman just does so much for me. Guess I am lovesick! 1
Satu Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 Sorry for my confusion regarding the genders of the persons involved.
Honourably honest Posted April 6, 2016 Posted April 6, 2016 You need to back off. She's using you and you are emotionally in too far. It will only end in tears. Can you move village?
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