Pumping the Brakes [updated]

April 6, 2016

Reminds me of the Muslim women I see at my local mall decked out in Burberry and Coach with their husbands and strollers by their side. It's THAT lifestyle she aspires to, apparently. The women have an entitled mentality because they grew up expecting their husbands to be their checkbook. A lot of "traditional" Muslim women never work, marry young and have their husbands support them. It's an accepted part of the culture, and the men have no problem being the breadwinner with the wife the SAHM.

Of course, her situation is different because she has student loans. As a few have stated, I dunno why she took out that much debt unless she expected her spouse to partially or fully absorb the cost — highly likely considering her background. Many dentists can and do work part-time, but that's after they've had their practice for several years and have paid off their debt. She cannot expect that. Maybe she decided to be with you to rebel, but it would've almost been better off had she had an arranged marriage to a wealthier, older man. Love doesn't really matter to her as much as deep wallets do.

This is exactly correct SES. You basically nailed it.

April 6, 2016

Reminds me of the Muslim women I see at my local mall decked out in Burberry and Coach with their husbands and strollers by their side. It's THAT lifestyle she aspires to, apparently. The women have an entitled mentality because they grew up expecting their husbands to be their checkbook. A lot of "traditional" Muslim women never work, marry young and have their husbands support them. It's an accepted part of the culture, and the men have no problem being the breadwinner with the wife the SAHM.

Of course, her situation is different because she has student loans. As a few have stated, I dunno why she took out that much debt unless she expected her spouse to partially or fully absorb the cost — highly likely considering her background. Many dentists can and do work part-time, but that's after they've had their practice for several years and have paid off their debt. She cannot expect that. Maybe she decided to be with you to rebel, but it would've almost been better off had she had an arranged marriage to a wealthier, older man. Love doesn't really matter to her as much as deep wallets do.

Aren't those guys also allowed to have up to 4 wives as well??

I guess its a give and take then??

TFY

April 6, 2016

Aren't those guys also allowed to have up to 4 wives as well??

I guess its a give and take then??

TFY

Technically, yes, but under strict conditions. The men have to treat all the wives equally (physically/emotionally) which is pretty impossible since most can't afford separate apartments for all their wives. It does happen here in the States but the women are only "married" religiously since bigamy is illegal. They don't possess the tax, Social Security, health and welfare benefits offered to other married couples.

Your girlfriend may be liberal in some aspects but her basic expectations are filtered by her culture and religion. You either have to accept that part of her, or cut her loose so she can find someone who will meet her needs. It's just basic incompatibility. You can discuss other options with her, but prepare for her to be firm. There are plenty of men who will pay her debt just so she can bear his children and be a homemaker. I know of two friends in particular who have degrees but chose to be a SAHM in their early twenties because their husbands could support them.

April 6, 2016

Technically, yes, but under strict conditions. The men have to treat all the wives equally (physically/emotionally) which is pretty impossible since most can't afford separate apartments for all their wives. It does happen here in the States but the women are only "married" religiously since bigamy is illegal. They don't possess the tax, Social Security, health and welfare benefits offered to other married couples.

What about all of his children from all those wives? They qualify for those benefits don't they?

And really that's a poor example anyway. You can't compare being treated like a princess to being a welfare recipient.

April 6, 2016

I keep wondering, why does she have student loan debt if her family is rich? That’s weird.

No, you two aren’t a match and there’s no point in continuing this. I don’t think either of you are doing anything wrong. You’re being yourselves. But this isn’t a match.

And I’m not trying to be mean, just give a tip, but in the future: Don’t give such expensive gifts early in a relationship. I’m not condemning you or her, just saying that the bait determines the fish you catch so don't overextend yourself financially up front.

April 6, 2016

I don't know all the minutiae on the rights of women in the nikkah (Islamic marriage contract), so I'll defer to someone with more knowledge. I'm just trying to explain her background and thinking because she's Muslim. Like I said, I just think the OP and his girlfriend are incompatible because she expects him to treat her like an Arab Muslim man would—full financial support with a household allowance. I'm assuming she tried to Westernize and embrace more egalitarian values living here but she's too entrenched in her mentality. It's hard to overcome values that she's been taught at a young age.

Muslim men are obligated to work to support their wives, and his girlfriend wants that due to her wealth, cultural and religious background.

April 6, 2016

It may be in her culture for the man to take care of the woman but I know plenty of Muslims who are dual income families, both the man and woman working. Why did she get herself an education and incur all of this debt if she had no plans of making use of it? If she just wants to have a family and make babies, maybe she should have started on that YEARS ago. She is 35, not a spring chicken.

Why is she getting 5k Lasik eye surgery if she's in so much debt? Glasses can't hold on a little longer? BS! She is not good with money, and even the mere suggestion that you two cut down on things is out of this world for her. Gold digger much?

She wants to marry money. You, by the sounds of it, make plenty enough... Just not enough for her. I can't imagine dealing with someone who thinks you're inadequate because you're not up to their standards. Why is she with you?

I would dread the thought of anyone being married to her, unless they make what she wants. She would dictate practically everything, and may you hope a divorce never comes... Expect to pay your life away.

You really should take a step back. There are so many women out there that would be happy with just you, not how much money you make. Ugh, what a shallow human.

April 6, 2016

I don't know all the minutiae on the rights of women in the nikkah (Islamic marriage contract), so I'll defer to someone with more knowledge. I'm just trying to explain her background and thinking because she's Muslim. Like I said, I just think the OP and his girlfriend are incompatible because she expects him to treat her like an Arab Muslim man would—full financial support with a household allowance. I'm assuming she tried to Westernize and embrace more egalitarian values living here but she's too entrenched in her mentality. It's hard to overcome values that she's been taught at a young age.

Muslim men are obligated to work to support their wives, and his girlfriend wants that due to her wealth, cultural and religious background.

I am muslim married to a muslim women ...

Yes the culture and religion are toward having the man be the bread winner.

but your lady and mine are following religion wrongly ;

anyway ; wether she is aysha or mother theresa ; she is not yours ; you deserve someone who would love you and give , who believes that a garden called marriage will die if nobody takes care of it .

Such people who are borderline by social/religious factors will be never satisfied , no matter what you give .

the issue is not that she is muslim , She is a lazy barbie .

Run man , as fast as you can ...

after 18 years married to barbie similar to your gf , i tell you you will suffer ; because nothing will be enough for her .

April 6, 2016

I'm assuming she tried to Westernize and embrace more egalitarian values living here but she's too entrenched in her mentality. It's hard to overcome values that she's been taught at a young age.

Once again, spot on. I think she struggles between what she is bombarded with every day for her whole life from her mother and other women in her family. "find a rich man, stay at home, have his children, etc."

And what she wants, which is someone who loves her unconditionally, who she can trust and count on for all matters, not just money.

When she gets stressed out, as she has been lately (trying to open a practice) she reverts back to her teachings, which to me, is her mothers voice..."all you can do is love me, you cant provide for a family, etc." Those are her mothers argument about me to her. Those words are probably verbatim out of her mothers mouth. Her father is a doctor, her mother has 2 phds and runs a company, her sister is finishing residency right now, etc. So my meager 120K a year corporate job is a pittance to them apparently.

Now that doesn't give her an excuse to treat me like that, and even if I do chose to stick around, I have zero tolerance for that type of behavior going forward...but I think she regrets saying it now. I do think she is struggling though, and stuck between her traditional upbringing (as SES described) and her way, which is much more westernized.

April 6, 2016

So what are you going to do about that beach trip?

April 6, 2016

So what are you going to do about that beach trip?

I decided to take my son somewhere instead

April 6, 2016

I decided to take my son somewhere instead

Nice. I bet he'll appreciate spending his time with you!

April 7, 2016

wind guy,

One time I opened a thread about the effect of the religion/society on man and women ; couldn't express really myself in that thread ; however what I want to say here :

-without putting blame ; the culture and religion are driving factor for borderline personality where everything becomes black/white , nothing in between .

-Sex is more like a duty rather than mutual lovely experience .

-Vulnerability is immediately followed by a china wall to protect themselves.

-love is Unconditional, granted .

-givology doesn't exist.

-They promise great things , including sex after marriage ...but they cant deliver their promises; because they can't be vulnerable .

-One day you are aprince , the other day you are a jerk , just because you disagree with someone in her family about a silly thing .

I am not attacking ; they could be good people !

suitable for someone else !

You need someone who would not hate you if the service level you provide -( services, money,favors , etc...) - is not up to their expectation .

you need a lady who enjoys every moment with you even if you take her to grab a hot dog sandwich in a park .

April 7, 2016

wind guy,

One time I opened a thread about the effect of the religion/society on man and women ; couldn't express really myself in that thread ; however what I want to say here :

-without putting blame ; the culture and religion are driving factor for borderline personality where everything becomes black/white , nothing in between .

-Sex is more like a duty rather than mutual lovely experience .

-Vulnerability is immediately followed by a china wall to protect themselves.

-love is Unconditional, granted .

-givology doesn't exist.

-They promise great things , including sex after marriage ...but they cant deliver their promises; because they can't be vulnerable .

-One day you are aprince , the other day you are a jerk , just because you disagree with someone in her family about a silly thing .

I am not attacking ; they could be good people !

suitable for someone else !

You need someone who would not hate you if the service level you provide -( services, money,favors , etc...) - is not up to their expectation .

you need a lady who enjoys every moment with you even if you take her to grab a hot dog sandwich in a park .

Phoenician,

Thank you for sharing your perspective. I think its invaluable. The only other Muslim men that I know are good friends with her and her family, so I can't exactly talk with them and get an unbiased opinion on things.

Thank you again.

April 7, 2016

I'm confused about your gf's financial issue here. How long has she finished her residency and started her current practice? Let's say her current gross salary is 175-200k and her monthly student loan payment is 2.5k, she still has a very good income (equivalent to a gross salary of 135-150k without student loan debt). Especially since you pay for all your meals out and all the weekend outings, I'm confused as to why she has to live paycheck by paycheck

April 7, 2016

[]

I just like men who like doing nice things for me and who are generous with that they HAVE and I love doing nice things for them right back!

So as a woman who likes to be a bit spoilt - even I at least WAIT for the guy to INSTIGATE it himself. HE needs to be the one who WANTS to spoil me..... to which I will jump for joy basically, feel really, really grateful and spoil him right back by treating him to a massage or cooking his favourite meal or giving him a cool present of some kind......

I think it is quite ill mannered to actually ASK your partner to go and treat you to an expensive beach vacation.

Moreover - 120 k is a GREAT income, mate! Well done, you have done well for yourself and should feel proud of yourself. How sad of her, and namely her family, for shaming you for not being stinking rich. Who does this girl think she is? She is not some gorgeous supermodel or actress who has her pick of the stinking rich handsome actors or celebs!

My bf is on about 60K a year and I turned down a lot of well off men in favour of my bf - love definitely matters the most to me... although I would find it hard to be attracted to a guy with no pride who had CHOSE to live on minimum wage his entire life -or was long term unemployed.

I dunno. As a spoilt girl myself, even I only require a man who is financially independent and generous with the money he DOES have, even if it is a lowish income.

Trust me, it is bad that a girl like me thinks your gf is being ridiculous....

Edited April 7, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

April 7, 2016

I'm confused about your gf's financial issue here. How long has she finished her residency and started her current practice? Let's say her current gross salary is 175-200k and her monthly student loan payment is 2.5k, she still has a very good income (equivalent to a gross salary of 135-150k without student loan debt). Especially since you pay for all your meals out and all the weekend outings, I'm confused as to why she has to live paycheck by paycheck

I've read articles and have also heard from others in my industry (I'm an accountant) that doctors can be really bad with managing money and some struggle because of that.

April 25, 2016

Living up to my name, like always...

My girlfriend and I had some arguments (I posted about them previously). We were kind of resolving things I guess, and then she went through my phone while I was sleeping Friday night and found texts that I had sent to my sister and my best friend about my wavering feelings. I was complaining about her and asking for advice on how to handle it. There were also some texts from an ex girlfriend who likes to randomly send me solicitation for sex. I typically never even reply, or reply with a negative...this last time she sent something just Thursday and I just replied LOL, OK...completely joking, and not even paying attention, but obviously it looks bad.

Anyway, she was hurt, upset, etc and doesn't want to see me anymore...

That same day (Saturday), a long ago ex (not the same one that sends solicitations for sex) calls out of the blue. She is going through some issues with her long term boyfriend and just wants to talk. We meet for dinner and sit and talk about our crazy relationships and agree we are both a mess. I ask her if she wants to go to a baseball game (we both love baseball) so we do. We sit and talk for 90% of the game, and overall just help each other feel better.

Yesterday I ask if she wants to get coffee. While we are having coffee her ex breaks it off with her officially, and she is a mess. I get her out of there and we just go drive. I drive her out to where I used to live, small town where I lived with my ex wife. We sit in the park and cry and talk and cry more together and just sort of pitty party ourselves. We ended our park cry fest kind of laughing at each other and how messed up we were.

We went for dinner and then I asked her if she would like me to drive her home. She wasn't ready to go be alone, so we went back to my place. I made us drinks and we sat on the patio...tension was really high. We hugged, hugs turned into kissing, kissing turned into making out...making out turned into messing around in bed...I stopped mid messing around as she was crying, and I came back down to earth a bit and realized this was not a good idea.

We laid and talked for a bit more and agreed we still have feelings, but lets slow it all down and work out our issues first, before we hurt each other.

Am I just a complete wreck and making it worse? I have a feeling I should run, but I have a ton of unresolved feelings for this girl from way back when. My intention is to work on just being friends with her, and work on myself and sorting out what I want. If, over time, our friendship manifests into something else, so be it...but time is our friend. She needs to sort herself out too.

Is this logical, or am I completely out of my head?

Edited April 25, 2016 by WhirlwindGuy

April 25, 2016

You certainly aren't thinking about what is best for your floundering relationship.

Trying to offer to comfort to a heart broken EX was nice on one level but I'm sure your GF sees it as a betrayal. Manipulating that situation into something where you were alone with the EX . . . . of course that was going to get physical. I'm glad you stopped it before you had sex with a woman who wasn't ready for it but you still cheated on your GF.

Break up with the GF. That wasn't working anyway.

April 25, 2016

Wow that sounds like a hot mess.

Really? Your girlfriend walks out on you and the same day you're fooling around in bed with another woman. Sounds like your gf had reason to get pissy because even if you never cheated on her, you do have pretty non-existent boundaries. It was only a matter of time before you did something stupid.

Possibly it's time you reassessed your life, your approach to relationships, and start answering the question of why your previous relationships tanked. No offence but you sound like the kind of guy who fixes every problem in his life with hedonistic abandon and a large dose of denial.

April 25, 2016

You can certainly be there for her to talk to and vice versa. But that's all it should have been. Lines have now been crossed.

Engaging physically is a big no no. If you say you were messed up before, doing that will certainly put you two into a bad place emotionally. You don't want to be that poor girl's emotional crutch when you are in the same place.

Why are you not blocking your "solicit for sex" ex? Me thinks you like the attention you get from all three women.

Maybe being alone for right now will do you some good.

April 25, 2016

You certainly aren't thinking about what is best for your floundering relationship.

Trying to offer to comfort to a heart broken EX was nice on one level but I'm sure your GF sees it as a betrayal. Manipulating that situation into something where you were alone with the EX . . . . of course that was going to get physical. I'm glad you stopped it before you had sex with a woman who wasn't ready for it but you still cheated on your GF.

Break up with the GF. That wasn't working anyway.

We were broken up, but regardless, what you said was pretty correct. I Agree. I am a mess for the most part, complete whirlwind of ****...

April 25, 2016

You can certainly be there for her to talk to and vice versa. But that's all it should have been. Lines have now been crossed.

Engaging physically is a big no no. If you say you were messed up before, doing that will certainly put you two into a bad place emotionally. You don't want to be that poor girl's emotional crutch when you are in the same place.

Why are you not blocking your "solicit for sex" ex? Me thinks you like the attention you get from all three women.

Maybe being alone for right now will do you some good.

I had her blocked for a while. I had recently unblocked her because she has art connections and I work in the art world and needed to talk to her about a potential show we are planning.

Bad excuse, and obvious mistake, but...it is what it is now.

April 25, 2016

Well if you already broke up with your GF carry on. You are free to do whatever & whoever Perhaps you & your EX (the woman you were making out with) can be each other's rebounds.

April 25, 2016

Wow that sounds like a hot mess.

Really? Your girlfriend walks out on you and the same day you're fooling around in bed with another woman. Sounds like your gf had reason to get pissy because even if you never cheated on her, you do have pretty non-existent boundaries. It was only a matter of time before you did something stupid.

Possibly it's time you reassessed your life, your approach to relationships, and start answering the question of why your previous relationships tanked. No offence but you sound like the kind of guy who fixes every problem in his life with hedonistic abandon and a large dose of denial.

Definitely not what I intended. But, it happened none the less...I agree with you about reassessing. I have some things to figure out. I am obviously doing this all wrong.

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Pumping the Brakes [updated]

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