Pumping the Brakes [updated]

[kendahke]

I'm having a hard time getting over it too. I understand money freak outs, and am trying to give her the benefit of the doubt, but that was completely uncalled for.

 

It sucks too, I had high hopes for this one. Now I feel like I'm already detached and just here for the good sex, until I figure out what else to do. I'm hoping I can ultimately come back, but I feel angry around her now.

 

My dear, there is nothing to come back to. I'd never allow anyone like that to get close to my heart ever again--and any thoughts of a future with them would be dead by now. There really isn't anything to reconsider. That's a bell that will never be unrung--and you can find good sex elsewhere. Don't be lazy on that account.

[amaysngrace]

I read your other thread and now it makes sense that she cried when you said you love her.

 

She was crying for the jet and yacht you'll never buy her.

[kendahke]

Ask her for you key back and tell her that you need some space. Tell her to take her things with her, too--if she leaves them, put them in a box and drop them off on her porch. If she won't leave the key, change the locks.

[Gaeta]

Also had a look at your history.

 

She is the young doctor with an upper 6 digit student loan hhmm I see. She's buried under debts and expect you to give her 'the life'. She wants to have it all. Have a man give her a big house - big car - vacations, while she spends the next 25 years paying off her student loan. And what she wants to do with that medical degree? Oh yes, she wants to stay home and make babies.

[Larryville]

I doubt that she's going to get used to what you can afford. Why she doesn't leave is kind of a mystery.

 

Simple, she hasn’t found a replacement, but in the meantime he tolerates her. She is not completely crazy.

[thefooloftheyear]

This woman better be smokin' hot.....otherwise she's smoking something else if she thinks she'll find an appropriate sugar daddy willing to take her and her mountain of debt...

 

And at 35 the sand is quickly running out of the hourglass as far as that is concerned..

 

Cut and run..

 

TFY

[WhirlwindGuy]

Ugh, I wish i didn't agree with 99% of you.

 

One thing that has me making excuses for her is english isn't her first language. American culture isn't her native culture either. Sometimes things she says and does are odd because of that.

 

She says and does things that are abrupt and odd to most Americans. I want to think she really doesnt mean it to be mean, she was simply speaking her mind.

 

I know I'm probably full of **** though...when someone is telling you who they are, you should listen.

[SwordofFlame]

Ugh, I wish i didn't agree with 99% of you.

 

One thing that has me making excuses for her is english isn't her first language. American culture isn't her native culture either. Sometimes things she says and does are odd because of that.

 

She says and does things that are abrupt and odd to most Americans. I want to think she really doesnt mean it to be mean, she was simply speaking her mind.

 

I know I'm probably full of **** though...when someone is telling you who they are, you should listen.

 

It's possible that in her culture it's the man's job to take care of the woman financially?

[Gaeta]

Ugh, I wish i didn't agree with 99% of you.

 

One thing that has me making excuses for her is english isn't her first language. American culture isn't her native culture either. Sometimes things she says and does are odd because of that.

 

She says and does things that are abrupt and odd to most Americans. I want to think she really doesnt mean it to be mean, she was simply speaking her mind.

 

I know I'm probably full of **** though...when someone is telling you who they are, you should listen.

 

If she is able to go through medical school in English I'd say her English is good enough !! geez !!

[amaysngrace]

Ugh, I wish i didn't agree with 99% of you.

 

One thing that has me making excuses for her is english isn't her first language. American culture isn't her native culture either. Sometimes things she says and does are odd because of that.

 

She says and does things that are abrupt and odd to most Americans. I want to think she really doesnt mean it to be mean, she was simply speaking her mind.

 

I know I'm probably full of **** though...when someone is telling you who they are, you should listen.

 

She had no problem getting through med school or passing her license exams? They must have all been in her native language.

[WhirlwindGuy]

She has next weekend off and wants to go to the beach...problem is, she is expecting me to pay for it. She keeps asking me why i haven't booked yet. I want to go too, should be a beautiful weekend, but i am super resentful now. I make good money, but i am not rich. These things are expensive. This weekend will cost me at least 600 or more dollars.

 

She offered to pay for some of it, but i know she is broke this month. She missed a whole week of work, had lasik surgery which was 5K and was out of work. I know she can't afford it, so i don't want her putting more stuff on her credit card...

 

I am the most giving guy ever when i feel like you are appreciative. I will give to my own detriment. When i feel like you start expecting it, or are not appreciative, i can become a miserly Scrooge McDuck very quickly.

[amaysngrace]

Trust your instincts. If you're confused about everything then do nothing. Don't book the trip and if she asks why be honest.

 

Give her a chance to explain but from where I'm sitting it seems she either realizes the insensitive nature of her comment and is trying to forget she ever said it by distracting you with the trip OR she doesn't realize how insensitive it was at all and is just being true to her nature.

[losangelena]

She offered to pay for some of it, but i know she is broke this month. She missed a whole week of work, had lasik surgery which was 5K and was out of work. I know she can't afford it, so i don't want her putting more stuff on her credit card...

 

Then ... don't go to the beach?

 

I would NEVER ask a BF to pay $600 for an unnecessary beach trip, especially if I'd just shelled out five grand for eye surgery and couldn't work because of it.

 

That kind of spending makes me nervous, but then I try and live within my means. If I were in her position, I would tighten my belt for a little while until the coffers have a bit more in them. Then I'd go to the beach.

 

What would happen if you flat-out said no?

[Gaeta]

Are you so desperate to be with a woman that you have to pay for one to stick around?

 

You sound like a smart, stable, articulate man, why not go look for a successful financially independent woman. Not a little girl looking for a sugar daddy.

[Larryville]

Are you so desperate to be with a woman that you have to pay for one to stick around?

 

You sound like a smart, stable, articulate man, why not go look for a successful financially independent woman. Not a little girl looking for a sugar daddy.

 

You know G & WWG well really any guy in particular, but can apply to women…

 

As I said we comment but there is so much we can't know (like the lady being from another country) that stuff matters. But we also don’t know what someone looks like, the OP or the source of the issue being posted about.

 

Not trying to be insulting but so many people post stuff on here (why doesn’t he or she call, or kiss or who do they ghost whatever.) Look in the mirror, take some personal inventory, do some honest true self-assessment.

 

I fundamentally know, I not going to get the girl wanting some big money baller dude pissing away money on trips and clothes or vacation, I would not want her, just the thought of a women like that irritates the crap out of me.

 

Just like a thread where woman acting like dude should pay for her crap! entitled... no woman no matter how hot is not worth all of that.

 

Hot women are a dime a dozen kinda like choosing which blade of grass is growing more quickly.

 

As G asks the question are you really that desperate? You get your self-esteem and self-worth from your parents and no father I know (assuming he was in your life) would give you advice to tell you to let some woman piss away your money. I can’t relate to that in any meaningful fashion.

 

Some people just suck, let’s get real!

 

I wish I understood the psychology of why people post issues on things that are so easy to solve, just pull the plug.

 

Some might say “well that sounds easy to say but…” well if he were married to her for 20 years and had a deep meaningful, thoughtful fulfilling relationship and this was a bump in the road my thinking is different.

 

But few of the threads here equate to that and people make crap so difficult when it does not need to be.

 

Dude, unless you look like the Joker, weigh 666 pounds or smell bad and/or this woman screws you so well that your eyes roll back in your head….

 

Maybe?

[WhirlwindGuy]

Are you so desperate to be with a woman that you have to pay for one to stick around?

 

You sound like a smart, stable, articulate man, why not go look for a successful financially independent woman. Not a little girl looking for a sugar daddy.

 

 

 

I kind of thought I found that, until the cover got lifted...that's what is so hard to stomach now.

 

 

Its like the fighter who is totally owning the fight for 11 rounds, commanding lead, hardly getting touched, rocking his opponent at every turn, overall the fight is a done deal...then in the 12th he gets caught, POW right in the temple and he cant see straight and falls. He is trying to get up, trying to get back up and figure out what happened, he was winning...how did he get caught like this?

 

 

I felt like I struck the jackpot with her, she is beautiful, educated, has a great job / career, from a great family...Little did I know, she is more financial unstable than my pothead friends who wait tables.

Edited April 5, 2016 by WhirlwindGuy

[htx]

eject! eject! or you will regret.

 

 

look I love a guy taking me out to dinner as much as the next gal but I would never expect him to buy me expensive gifts and vacations! that's just so gross. wake up!!! she's asking you to take on all her debt? **** no! she'll keep expecting you to do more and more and she'll bleed you dry - mentally, emotionally and financially. I've seen it so many times first-hand. dump her ass TODAY.

[amaysngrace]

She sounds like she's setting you up to always be trying to please her.

 

That, my friend, is called manipulation.

[Zahara]

She offered to pay for some of it, but i know she is broke this month. She missed a whole week of work, had lasik surgery which was 5K and was out of work. I know she can't afford it, so i don't want her putting more stuff on her credit card...

 

She's a grown woman. She needs to know what she can afford and what she can't -- stop coddling her.

 

Her priorities are -- 5K lasik surgery and the inability to go to work for a week while EXPECTING and feeling ENTITLED that you pay for a beach trip. You should be running.

 

She's not going to understand the value of money and hard work if you keep enabling her. At this point you're verging to the point of allowing her to emasculate you.

[Boomerangmagnet]

I'd go ahead and book that beach trip, for one. Enjoy yourself and take some time to reflect in a relaxing atmosphere. You can take a shower your own way, strew your belongings anywhere you want, eat whenever and whatever you like, and check out women in bathing suits. Maybe even talk to someone that appreciates what you have to offer.

 

Worst thing that could happen is you have some time to yourself. Best thing that could happen is she becomes fed up with your "selfish behavior" and finds someone else to abuse.

[kismetkismet]

And you know what, that shouldn't even be a thing that factors into your thoughts about this relationship.

 

She wants the high life? Then she can provide it for herself. The idea that she is studying for a professional career, only to cut back on it and focus on raising kids when she's ALREADY 35 is crazy. She has five, six years tops to crack on with starting a family, and that's not necessarily going to be easy. I'd be surprised if that's her goal if she even bothers to work once she's qualified.

 

You deserve a relationship with someone who loves you and feels grateful to be in your life, where you can build each other up, support one another, feel fortunate that you've found love and tackle the hurdles that life throws at you together. She's basically saying 'if you won't/can't push yourself to earn even more than you already are, to bankroll my lifestyle, you're not going to live up to my expectations'. Some women are just like that, but you don't sound like you're the kind of guy who wants that. I can't imagine how ANYONE would want that, but she's free to go and find someone who does... good luck doing that in the next few years that she's fertile!

 

You don't want the same things in life.

 

First I just wanted to point out that the bolded bit is not THAT crazy.. It's not uncommon these days for women to be educating themselves up to that time, take a couple of years off to have kids, and then return to the workforce. I know many women that have done this. Very few women these days remain unemployed FOREVER after they have kids, so it's good to have yourself set up before you have them so that it's easier to get back into the workforce in a career that you're passionate about.

 

Also, the rate at which fertility declines in women's 30s is grossly overstated in the media. How Long Can You Wait to Have a Baby? - The Atlantic

 

THAT SAID, the fact that she wants to do all of that in addition to being 'provided for' makes less sense to me. Usually women continue their education and put off having children that way because they want to work, and want to be equal contributors. It's strange because she's saying now that she wants the more "traditional" arrangement where the husband is responsible for the family finances and the woman stays home with the kids, but up until this point she seems to have led her life as though she wants to work, which implies a desire to contribute, and have a less traditional arrangement..Particularly since she's 35 and unmarried and childless.

 

I think the two of you want different things/want a different kind of relationship. And she seems a little confused quite frankly.. Is it possible that she wants one thing, but feels pressure from her family to have a more traditional set up? It is important where the motivation is coming from.. external influence has less weight than if it's an essential value for HER.

[preraph]

The chances of her finding someone making more than you do and unencumbered are very low. I am glad she had the talk with you. I don't think you should agree to support her and let her quit work. You need to ask her if you had a child, would she go back to work in 3 months. You need to tell her that even if you get your loans paid off, you are never going to be freely spending money on luxury items in case she's really looking for all that. If she can't agree to work just as hard as you do, then it is clear she's about the money over everything else. If her dream is to be supported I don't see why she's going to school and spending all that money, but find out. Tell her you'd expect the wife to continue working. She could probably do it part time. My hygienist works 3 days a week. Any is better than nothing, but it has to pay for childcare.

[kendahke]

Ugh, I wish i didn't agree with 99% of you.

 

One thing that has me making excuses for her is english isn't her first language. American culture isn't her native culture either. Sometimes things she says and does are odd because of that.

 

She says and does things that are abrupt and odd to most Americans. I want to think she really doesnt mean it to be mean, she was simply speaking her mind.

 

I know I'm probably full of **** though...when someone is telling you who they are, you should listen.

 

I really don't think this has anything to do with what her native language is. It has to do with the kind of person she is. She is an ingrate and that ain't a cute look no matter where they were born.

 

The fact that she undertook a mountain of debt and isn't working in a career that is paying back her mountain of debt is quite troubling. That she expects someone else to pick up her tab so she can sit on her behind and act like "The Shahs of Beverly Hills" is really preposterous.

 

You can best believe that she would do everything in her power to alienate your child from you if given half a chance.

[Zahara]

One thing that has me making excuses for her is english isn't her first language. American culture isn't her native culture either. Sometimes things she says and does are odd because of that.

 

She says and does things that are abrupt and odd to most Americans. I want to think she really doesnt mean it to be mean, she was simply speaking her mind.

 

I know I'm probably full of **** though...when someone is telling you who they are, you should listen.

 

English isn't my native language. American culture isn't my native culture. So, yes, you're making poor excuses.

[ses]

Reminds me of the Muslim women I see at my local mall decked out in Burberry and Coach with their husbands and strollers by their side. It's THAT lifestyle she aspires to, apparently. The women have an entitled mentality because they grew up expecting their husbands to be their checkbook. A lot of "traditional" Muslim women never work, marry young and have their husbands support them. It's an accepted part of the culture, and the men have no problem being the breadwinner with the wife the SAHM.

 

Of course, her situation is different because she has student loans. As a few have stated, I dunno why she took out that much debt unless she expected her spouse to partially or fully absorb the cost — highly likely considering her background. Many dentists can and do work part-time, but that's after they've had their practice for several years and have paid off their debt. She cannot expect that. Maybe she decided to be with you to rebel, but it would've almost been better off had she had an arranged marriage to a wealthier, older man. Love doesn't really matter to her as much as deep wallets do.