wedding cancelled and now on a break

[tufty]

Hello all

 

First time poster so hopefully i get this right!

 

I am hoping for some advice, views or any feedback really on a very strange situation.

 

My fiancée and myself are both in our mid 30’s, been together nearly 3 years, generally a happy relationship and towards the end of last year i proposed, however this is where the problem started.

 

When i proposed we set a date for the end of this month and that is where i made a huge mistake because i wasn’t in a position to get married the end of this month and should of made that clear instead of going along with it. Due to when i proposed and for other reasons (body clock, wanting to start a family, all the summer dates had gone, etc) and so we set the date for this month but i was not in a position to financially commit to it, i had a bad year with serious health problems and as i work for myself it cost me nearly a years salary.

 

During this time my girlfriend was very supportive and i didnt want to lose her, my treatment changed me a lot, i lost my confidence and became worried about the future, i always put on a big smile and that everything is fine but i know i should of spoke to my girlfriend about how i felt but i didnt as i was scared of losing her. As i wasn’t saying how i felt, more pressure was coming my way to get married and so i proposed because (a) i wanted to spend my life with her and (b) i wanted her to know she could have a future with me.

 

The issue is that once i had proposed i allowed my fiancée to go ahead and plan the wedding, we had a date, ordered the venue, paid deposits for her wedding dress, bridesmaid dresses, arranged her hen party, the lot but i always knew there was a doubt i may not be able to afford it i knew she couldn’t help with the cost of it but i promised her i could, it was nothing too flashy but even for that within a couple of months of proposing it became apparent i couldn’t afford any more and the wedding was cancelled.

 

For me as i always had the doubt if i could go ahead with the wedding i never made too many plans from my side so it wasn’t a big hassle for me to cancel anything, however she had to have the humiliation of telling family and friends the wedding was cancelled. For a couple of months after the wedding cancellation we stayed together and almost tried to carry on as though it wasn’t a big deal but it clearly was but neither of us would actually say.

 

Eventually it all became too much and a couple of months ago we had a chat and she admitted although she loved me, she no longer knew how she felt about me and about our relationship.

 

I moved out and we agreed to go back to dating, we went on a few dates and had a really nice time, however she then seemed to back away from the idea and we didnt see each other for a few weeks but stayed in contact. I eventually asked her about this and she broke down (she is a tough lady and that doesn’t happen often) and admitted that she was so angry and upset with me still over everything and i think thats why she backed away from dating each other again, in hindsight we probably should never of gone on those dates as it was too soon. Then over the last couple of weeks since that chat the contact between us has almost gone completely, i eventually asked her what was going on and did she want to have an official break for a bit and she said although she didnt necessarily want that, it was the best option, we have agreed some guidlines to the break, ie – timescale (a month), no contact and that we both are not interested in meeting other people.

 

We agreed to an official break a few days ago and she admitted the same as a couple of months ago that she is still so confused about everything, she still wears her engagement ring and has photos of me on her social media, a lot of my clothes are still at hers, i still have a key (though i dont ever go round) but i dont know how much of that is pride and not want to admit its actually over, the whole situation is a mess.

 

I hate myself because she is an amazing person and i let her down, she has had a rough past and dated some men who treated her appallingly, i regard myself as a decent man and she met me and i think i restored her faith, i treated her well, we got on great and her friends and family said i was the best thing to happen to her, they have never known her so happy, she had met ‘the one’ she had met somebody who she could rely on, trust and who loved her for her, yet i now have to live with that i have ruined what should of been the biggest day of our life and our future.

 

Although this has all been bubbling away, this month i think everything becomes very real, i have to pay for (now in a position too) the wedding and bridesmaid dresses and she has to pick them up (i have offered to go instead but she didnt want me too) and then at the end of the month is the day we actually would of got married. She is confused now about her feelings but when it all becomes very real i think it may push her to finish things.

 

I have told her all the above, i only had the best intentions but i dealt with the situation very badly, she knows it all and i think she knows me well enough to know i mean it but it doesn’t and cant change whats happened and i dont know how or if we can get past it.

 

I was very close with her family and friends but since all this they have blanked me as they feel i have let her down so badly and they are right, only one of her friends speaks to me and he admitted that i am regarded as the bad guy and her family have massive doubts about me being the right person for her, she is very close to her family and friends and so this is important, i know ultimately people make their own decisions but she will of listened to their opinions and i dont want there to be a them and me situation.

 

The last few months have been strange in that we were separated but still seeing each other, that stopped but we were in contact, that stopped and now we are officially on break for a month. I think i have always had the hope that we could start going out again and see what happens but now we are officially on a break and that the next month things will probably get worse due to the wedding stuff, i am very confused how to approach the situation.

 

I have been and still am doing the usual things like keeping myself busy, sorting my own life out (i have realised how much my treatment affected me) but also think about her all the time and miss her so much and love her loads and find it hard to focus on anything else with the uncertainty.

 

I know the end of this month we will meet up and i know for both our sakes there has to be closure either way, however its still a month away and i dont know how to deal with things.

 

She knows i would like to give things another go and prove myself again but its her decision, i suppose i am after advice from people how to deal with the situation, Is there really any way forward from this? Will there always be that doubt from not only her but others around her?

 

Thanks for taking the time to read this and apologies it was so long, but any advice is welcome.

Edited April 5, 2016 by tufty

[Standard-Fare]

I'm curious whether the idea was ever raised or pursued of going for a modest wedding. Like, in a courthouse with a small group of friends and family.

 

Because not being able to afford a big wedding with bridesmaids, etc. didn't automatically have to mean a wedding was off the table. If I was her family member, that's the part of this I'd be most wary about — the fact that other options weren't explored to make sure this happened, in one way or another. Because anything else looks like you're getting cold feet and bailing.

 

Now, maybe you're going to tell me that your GF had her heart set on a specific type of wedding she'd been dreaming about. If so, there's obviously a fundamental mismatch there in that you simply can't provide her with the lifestyle she wants... and that mismatch goes way deeper than just the wedding.

[tufty]

When we first started discussing getting married we both had a good plan of what we wanted, it was nothing too flashy but it was what we wanted.

 

At that time my financial position was very different to what is is now and the wedding we wanted was well within my budget, however because of my illness and treatment my financial circumstances changed dramatically.

 

When we talking in the aftermath she made it quite clear she would of been happy to of had a tiny wedding and it was more about committing to each other than the actual event, i think its the fact i let things get as far as they did before speaking up and the humiliation it caused and the trust broken that and that the damage was done.

 

I messed up because if i had spoken to her before and told her my circumstances none of this would of happened but instead i kept everything to myself, made out all was fine when in reality i was losing my savings and income left right and centre because i was unable to work.

 

I have took a long hard look at why i acted the way i did and like i said in my OP, i had gone from having a lovely life with everything to look forward to, to all of a sudden being seriously ill, losing my income, losing my confidence and pride and i was scared i was going to lose my partner too. I know if i had spoken to her then we would of been okay but i was so scared of losing her i didnt talk and i should of been man enough to do that.

[PegNosePete]

i was not in a position to financially commit to it

Dude. Do you know how much it costs to get married? About £100.

 

All the other stuff is optional extras.

 

Do you want a marriage or a wedding?

[Toodaloo]

When we first started discussing getting married we both had a good plan of what we wanted, it was nothing too flashy but it was what we wanted.

 

At that time my financial position was very different to what is is now and the wedding we wanted was well within my budget, however because of my illness and treatment my financial circumstances changed dramatically.

 

When we talking in the aftermath she made it quite clear she would of been happy to of had a tiny wedding and it was more about committing to each other than the actual event, i think its the fact i let things get as far as they did before speaking up and the humiliation it caused and the trust broken that and that the damage was done.

 

I messed up because if i had spoken to her before and told her my circumstances none of this would of happened but instead i kept everything to myself, made out all was fine when in reality i was losing my savings and income left right and centre because i was unable to work.

 

I have took a long hard look at why i acted the way i did and like i said in my OP, i had gone from having a lovely life with everything to look forward to, to all of a sudden being seriously ill, losing my income, losing my confidence and pride and i was scared i was going to lose my partner too. I know if i had spoken to her then we would of been okay but i was so scared of losing her i didnt talk and i should of been man enough to do that.

 

I don't know why you didn't just postpone rather than cancel?

 

I am sure if you contacted your guests and just said that due to unforeseen circumstances you were having to postpone and that you would both be in touch soon with an alternative date.

 

It would have been more honest and also taken pressure off of you so you could get better and get back to work and married sooner!

 

She is right. You should have spoken up.

 

So what I think you need to do now is sit down with her and be completely honest. You need to tell her that you adore her and want her to have her dream wedding but you also want that to be in good circumstances when you are able to start your marriage off on a good footing, both health wise and also financially, ready for the tougher times ahead. Tell her that you have also learnt a really important lesson and that it is not just one person and that it is about how you deal with these things together as a couple. Tell her you want to work on that and if it takes you a life time you will continue to work on that and get better at communicating and working with her as a team.

[tufty]

That is where i badly went wrong, somewhere i got my lines crossed thinking a wedding and marriage was the same thing.

 

I know she would of been happy to of just been me and her and witnesses but i was so low, i got the whole situation badly wrong.

 

I know what i have done, i want a second chance but i dont know if i will get one, but i suppose i just want any advice on how to get my mindset, should i think positive, use the positives things like she still wears her engagement ring, or should i think its over and start the getting over heartbreak phase now?

 

I am somewhere in between at the moment and its driving me mad and has done for a couple of months.

[mightycpa]

i may not be able to afford it i knew she couldn’t help with the cost of it but i promised her i could

What this means is that you weren't mature enough to be married, plain and simple. There's a lot tougher and more disappointing things than this which you have to face, and if you can't, it's a problem.

[Standard-Fare]

OP, in your version of this story you're almost a sympathetic victim: major health problems put your finances in ruins, forcing you to a cancel a wedding with the woman you love, which in turn drove her away.

 

But why do I feel like we're missing something here?

 

First off, I'm having trouble understanding how a woman you're that serious with—serious enough to be planning a wedding—is so out of tune with your reality that she didn't recognize that your health problems would be a dealbreaker for the wedding.

 

I also can't understand why, if you actually were intent on marrying this girl, you let things collapse to that level. There were a million options that were better than just straight-up CANCELING the wedding at the last minute. So I have to wonder if finances are truly the biggest obstacle, or if they're just the best scapegoat.

 

You're in a deep hole right now that you'd have to work very hard to climb out of. Honestly, I don't see how that would be possible unless you can firmly and decisively put the marriage plans back ON. You can't pretend it's okay to just scale back to "dating" at this point.

 

But if you truly can't commit to a marriage right now, be honest with yourself and your GF about that, and give her the freedom to get out of this thing before it creates even more pain and confusion.

[kendahke]

Any reason why you couldn't get married at the justice of the peace, if marriage was really the goal? It costs a fraction of a big blown out wedding. Or was it the big, blown out wedding and being the center of attention for the day?

 

When you figure out the answer to that, a lot of this will become way more clear.

[kendahke]

Standard Fare is right on target with their observation. How can she miss the fact that you've been in a precarious health position for a year which impacts your finances, but still blaze ahead with all the needless expensive trappings? You can do the blow out in 10 years to celebrate that you two have what it takes to make the long haul. There really is no sane reason to go into massive debt over a wedding. Seems she's not getting the part about richer/poorer; sickness/health if she's bailing on you and no one is discussing postponement or going to the JP.

 

As I said above, I'm not getting why you can't go pick her up, go to the JP and get married *if* you love one another enough to marry.

[BC1980]

What you did to her is pretty awful. You seem to think it's no big deal, but it's s big deal. You went along with planning a wedding when you had doubts then cancelled it at the last minute. Stop making excuses for your behavior. You were well aware that you were having doubts but made the choice to withhold the truth. For what it's worth, I don't think this is about money. I think you are looking for an excuse not to marry her.

[tufty]

Thanks for the replies, all of which are appreciated.

 

I problem havent got my feelings and point over as intended but its not a sympathetic love story type thing, far from it.

 

One of the biggest mistakes i made was that i didnt talk to her in the beginning, my natural reaction is to act as though everything is okay, put a big smile on, even with treatment when i was in agony i would not let anybody see me that way, nobody at that time would of know i was struggling because i wouldnt let anybody know. I think one thing this has taught me is i have to communicate a million times better, its a shame it got to this level.

 

Like said previous i know now if i had spoken to my girlfriend, there would of been no pressure to even get married let alone have a big wedding, instead i was that scared of losing her i buried my head in the sand, i know in hindsight i should of talked to her, still proposed and then made any wedding plans then.

 

Unfortunately she now has questioned the relationship, why i didnt talk to her about something so serious and if i didnt what does that hold for the future, which she is quite right to do, i think thats the issue rather than any wedding or marriage.

 

It has sadly taken for this to happen to make me realise what a idiot i was for not talking to her and how important communicating is, letting your partner know when your having a rough time. The only other time i have had what i would call a serious rough time was in a previous relationship, i let my guard down and my then partner treated me awful and i think i took that into this relationship when i should of trusted my partner more, instead i let her down.

 

Its how to move on from it that i am struggling with, i want that second chance as i know i made her happy and can again, i have learnt a very hard lesson but its whether too much damage is done to get that chance.

[tufty]

BC1980, i am not sure if you have grasped something wrong but i have not said its no big deal anywhere, far from it, it is a massive deal.

 

I also havent made any excuses for my behaviour, i said i messed up because i didnt talk to her, thats totally down to me.

 

I am after advice on how to try and make things right.

[Standard-Fare]

Again, from an outsider's perspective, there's some dots missing from this story.

 

At some point you had to come to her and fess up: "I've been hiding the fact that I have no money. I can't afford this wedding." And of course I'd expect she had a bad reaction.

 

But that's the very point where the guy who actually DID want to marry this girl would say: "This is terrible, but we're going to work this out, somehow or some way." You'd do everything in your power to assure her that you're not saying NO wedding, you're saying - it's not what we've planned. There'd be fighting, yes, but there should be some productive brainstorming out of this.

 

Instead what you're telling us is - wedding cancelled, you two try to go back to "dating." I don't see how this happens to a couple that genuinely does want to get married. So the bottom line is, maybe you don't want to.

[elaine567]

BC1980, i am not sure if you have grasped something wrong but i have not said its no big deal anywhere, far from it, it is a massive deal.

 

I also havent made any excuses for my behaviour, i said i messed up because i didnt talk to her, thats totally down to me.

 

I am after advice on how to try and make things right.

YOU humiliated her in front of her family, no doubt she has always defended you to them, and so it hurts her bad to have them say you are no good and for her to have to agree.

She has lost trust in you and probably feels you shut her out and that you never really wanted to marry her in the first place.

YOU gave her free reign to plan but left her high and dry, that is NOT a good feeling. YOU didn't trust her enough to let her into your life and tell her what was really going on. Marriage and relationships for some is about you and me against the world, no doubt she would rather have been married in the back of a pick up truck than have had to go through what she went through there.

Did you deliberately not order much for the wedding as you knew it wasn't going to happen or is that just the way it worked out?

 

I think your key is the family, if you can sit them down and be honest and get them on side, you may have chance but with them being against you, probably not.

[kendahke]

That may be true that you clammed up, but she had to have noticed the man she loves in agony. That's kind of hard to miss. Also, if you weren't working for days on end, that's also a bit hard to miss, too.

 

As long as her family is weighing in and jumping on her head, you're not going to get much of a chance to try to make it right. They see it as you've robbed her and them of the big party, the big dress, etc.

 

Why were you scared of losing her? What about your illness would have made her bolt and run? Listen to yourself here--are you throwing in with someone who is "fair-weathered"? The first hint of problems and she's gone? That's not the person to build a life with. If she would bolt while you're dating, then she probably wouldn't hold fast to her vows once the situation presents itself after you've married. Something to think about.

[d0nnivain]

The biggest thing that jumped out at me here is you call her your GF in the posts. She wasn't your GF. She was your fiancee.

 

Although you are blaming the money, that is a cop out. Somewhere on an subconscious level I don't think you want to be married. Moreover marriage is about trust. You have to be able to talk to your partner, especially about the hard things. You didn't trust her enough to tell her the truth about what was going on with your finances. You didn't give her the choice to scarp the extravagances & go to a JOP. You just bailed.

 

By doing that you shook her trust. She no longer thinks that you are man who could mean the traditional wedding vows: in good times & in bad, in sickness & in health, etc.

 

If you really want to give this a meaningful chance, couples counseling & financial counseling are most likely in order.

[tufty]

Basically i didnt want to cancel the wedding, just delay it.

 

I told her my situation and said why dont we delay the wedding, enjoy the engagement and then in six months time (ie - now) assess where are then as to how we get married, whether a small thing or something bigger.

 

However she said because of the fact i hadnt talked to her that it was best we cancel it, get xmas out the way and then talk about things then. It was obviously a very strange month or six weeks after that because anytime anything wedding related cropped up she just dismissed it and wouldnt talk about it. She said if i had told her the situation i was in she would of married me in a tiny room, it was about committing to each other but because i hadn’t talked to her and kept things to myself she felt betrayed.

 

When we did eventually talk she said she was hurt and angry about it and that she was confused about our relationship, her feelings, etc and that she just wanted to take a step back and just date again and see how things went.

 

I think that became too awkward and hard to do and we are eventually are at the stage where are on a official break, no contact included.

 

During the last few months i have told her everything how i feel as per what was said in the Opening Post.

[LD1990]

For me as i always had the doubt if i could go ahead with the wedding i never made too many plans from my side so it wasn’t a big hassle for me to cancel anything, however she had to have the humiliation of telling family and friends the wedding was cancelled. For a couple of months after the wedding cancellation we stayed together and almost tried to carry on as though it wasn’t a big deal but it clearly was but neither of us would actually say.

 

So you never actually planned on going through with the wedding. You can make these excuses, illness, finances, whatever, you say right here that you avoided making plans for the wedding because of doubts that you always had. You proposed, got cold feet but didn't want to tell your fiancee, so instead you let her make all these plans while ensuring that when the time came to cancel everything, it was really convenient for you.

 

If you really wanted to delay things, you would have spoken to her about it before the situation got out of hand. I don't buy the whole "I was trying to put on a big smile" excuse. You avoided speaking to her about it because that would involve solving things and eventually getting married, which you didn't want.

 

I'm curious as to what caused the conversation where both of you decided to cancel the wedding. You said it was because you realized you couldn't afford the wedding, but you also said that you knew that from basically the beginning. Did it have anything to do with the fact that you were actually going to have to start planning things on your end, things that would make it difficult for you when you decided to cancel?

[Standard-Fare]

If you really wanted to delay things, you would have spoken to her about it before the situation got out of hand. I don't buy the whole "I was trying to put on a big smile" excuse. You avoided speaking to her about it because that would involve solving things and eventually getting married, which you didn't want.

 

I have to agree with the above. You must have known on some level that bottling up that information for so long, then popping it out at the exact wrong moment, would be the equivalent to throwing a bomb on your entire engagement.

 

And OP, I don't think anyone here is trying to be an a**hole about this, it just seems like you're trying to skirt responsibility and blame things 100 percent on your medical condition and your finances. And I have to imagine your GF and her family see through that just like the people here are seeing through that.