Author Tressugar Posted April 5, 2016 Author Posted April 5, 2016 Gaeta, Thanks for your feedback. I really felt this man was into me. All of his time was accounted for. If he wasn't at work, he was with me. And strongly believe men don't invest money into a woman who they're not into. He's not rich, always felt like he liked me. There was a time or two when I wasn't sure, but he proved himself in the end.
Lovelorn00 Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 Love, I informed him that he just received a message from timder and asked him if he's still on tinder. He told me yes and then that's when I said I thought you said that you deleted your account. He said that he never said that in fact he said he's also on pof. And he said yes we are exclusive and he doesn't check or looking actively online. So, he's kind of backtracking on you then? At some point, both of you had a conversation about deleting your OLD accounts, but he's now saying that he never agreed to that? The fact that he was pretty open about being on the other sites sounds like a serious case of miscommunication. Or he's flat-out lying. Also, if you were on his phone in another app, and the Tinder app is notifying him that he has received a new message/match, it doesn't necessarily mean that he's using the app actively. It could also mean that he never disabled his notifications for it. I haven't "actively" used my Match.com app in a while, but I still get notifications from it, because I'm too lazy to adjust the notifications in my settings. I often forget that I even have the app installed on my phone until one of those random notifications pops up. Either way, if you don't feel that you can trust him, you should either talk to him about it or let him go. If what Gaeta is saying about your history with him is correct, he started setting off your red flag alert pretty early on - only two weeks in. That might be a sign. 2
Gaeta Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 Gaeta, Thanks for your feedback. I really felt this man was into me. All of his time was accounted for. If he wasn't at work, he was with me. And strongly believe men don't invest money into a woman who they're not into. He's not rich, always felt like he liked me. There was a time or two when I wasn't sure, but he proved himself in the end. So, after he admitted being on 2 dating sites, how did it end? He said he's not using his profiles but is that good enough for you? If you are exclusive why does he need online profile? Why doesn't he delete his profiles? it takes 3 minutes at most to create one. Finally, doesn't matter he is not on his profile. He has his pictures out there, identifying him as single. That wouldn't fly with me. 3
frus69 Posted April 6, 2016 Posted April 6, 2016 Yes, I know it doesn't bode well for her. But a) it seemed like they hadn't been together very long, and b) while I do see it as a big red flag, in and of itself it's not cheating and I'd hate to see her ditch the guy if it can be corrected they can move forward. I did say that she'd be justified based on disingenuous behavior if that's what she concludes this is. I just don't believe in catastrophizing - turning it into something it's not. Her choice. I think you are completely off the point. He is not cheating (we give him benefit of the doubt), he is lying. There is a difference between "I just forgot to delete the app", in which case he may be innocent and "I'm telling you I deleted it. but secretly didn't". This is definitely NOT innocent. 2
risjurad Posted April 6, 2016 Posted April 6, 2016 So as far as this sort of etiquette with OLD and being exclusive, goodness forbid if it doesn't work out for some reason, you would simply just re-open the account? AFAIK, some of them save your info even though they lead you to believe you're "deleting" them. If you can really delete delete them, then it's expected to just rebuild your online dating profile (which shouldn't take that much time anyways)?
Lovelorn00 Posted April 6, 2016 Posted April 6, 2016 I think you are completely off the point. He is not cheating (we give him benefit of the doubt), he is lying. There is a difference between "I just forgot to delete the app", in which case he may be innocent and "I'm telling you I deleted it. but secretly didn't". This is definitely NOT innocent. I think it depends on what you'd consider to be lying. To me, someone who got caught in a lie, wouldn't turn around and voluntarily admit to also being on other dating sites (POF). How would that benefit him at all? I don’t know the details of their conversations, but it sounds to me like there was some miscommunication here. Perhaps they discussed no longer being "active" on their dating profiles. The guy is thinking, "Okay, cool. I won't check it anymore." However, the app is still installed on his phone and the account is still active (though he may not be). So even if he's not actively using the app, it's still delivering notifications to his phone. I've had apps for three dating sites (Match.com, OkCupid, and Tinder), and I've seen this happen with all of them. I still have an account with Match.com, but I don't use the app. I don't log in and I don't check for messages. It still delivers notifications to my phone. I can easily turn these off, but as stated before, I'm too lazy, and the notifications aren't frequent enough for me to care. I think it also depends on what language was used when you two made the agreement. Did he agree to "delete" his accounts and profiles? Or did he agree to simply "disable" them? There's a difference. My accounts have been disabled for OkCupid and Tinder for a long time now, but they haven't been deleted. I can log back in at any time and resume matching. However, disabling means I no longer show up in anyone’s match feeds, and I don't receive any notifications from the apps (because there isn't any activity). Personally, if I was dating someone, I’d make sure that all of my notifications are disabled for all of my OLD accounts, because of situations exactly like this. I’d also disable my actual accounts. If something happened, and it didn’t work out between us, my accounts are still there with all of my information so that I can rejoin whenever without having to rebuild my profiles. Once things got serious, and we determined that we're in a long-term, committed relationship, I'd delete them altogether. I hope that makes sense. This guy may or may not be lying to you. I just know that I've jumped the gun on assumptions like this before and have been wrong. Just wanted to put this out there as something to think about.
Jejangles Posted April 6, 2016 Posted April 6, 2016 So as far as this sort of etiquette with OLD and being exclusive, goodness forbid if it doesn't work out for some reason, you would simply just re-open the account? AFAIK, some of them save your info even though they lead you to believe you're "deleting" them. If you can really delete delete them, then it's expected to just rebuild your online dating profile (which shouldn't take that much time anyways)? There's levels of deletion. If you just delete the app from your phone (for Tinder and OkCupid at least, both of which I used) your account is still there. So if you logged back in, you would still have your matches and messages. On both you can also hide your profile, which stops you from being discovered but also maintains matches and messages. The most final step is actually deleting your account. That would require you to start from scratch if you had to go back online. I fully deleted my accounts when I became exclusive with my boyfriend. If we broke up, I would just set them back up with fresh information and photos. 1
salparadise Posted April 6, 2016 Posted April 6, 2016 He is also a cop, *rolling eyes* please don't date those. They are c0cky, arrogant, name it. Hey Gaeta, would you mind posting the official list of forbidden occupations? I am a bit nervous that my girlfriend's occupation might be on that list, and she's coming over tonight... if it is I want to know asap so I can break up via text message rather than have to suffer yet another round of affection and hot sex with someone whose job is on your list. Hurry please! 2
Lovelorn00 Posted April 6, 2016 Posted April 6, 2016 Hey Gaeta, would you mind posting the official list of forbidden occupations? I am a bit nervous that my girlfriend's occupation might be on that list, and she's coming over tonight... if it is I want to know asap so I can break up via text message rather than have to suffer yet another round of affection and hot sex with someone whose job is on your list. Hurry please! This made me LOL. 2
Gaeta Posted April 6, 2016 Posted April 6, 2016 Hey Gaeta, would you mind posting the official list of forbidden occupations? I am a bit nervous that my girlfriend's occupation might be on that list, and she's coming over tonight... if it is I want to know asap so I can break up via text message rather than have to suffer yet another round of affection and hot sex with someone whose job is on your list. Hurry please! * cops * firemen * lawyers 3
Gershwin Posted April 6, 2016 Posted April 6, 2016 The most effective way to deal with being caught in a lie is to admit the truth as if there's nothing wrong & turn the table around, making it seem like it's the other person who is confused. 1
serial muse Posted April 6, 2016 Posted April 6, 2016 * cops * firemen * lawyers This should help, too. 1
BlueIris Posted April 6, 2016 Posted April 6, 2016 The most effective way to deal with being caught in a lie is to admit the truth as if there's nothing wrong & turn the table around, making it seem like it's the other person who is confused. That's very manipulative and cruel. Smart people back away from people who do that. 2
Lovelorn00 Posted April 6, 2016 Posted April 6, 2016 * cops * firemen * lawyers Yes, yes. When it comes to lawyers, I second that motion! 3
BlueIris Posted April 6, 2016 Posted April 6, 2016 * cops * firemen * lawyers You forgot pilots Add military guys and that’s my “preferred” list! Oh, and engineers. But then, I also prefer bald men with linebacker physiques. Head hair is something that I’ll overlook if he’s terrific enough. Ain’t it great that everyone has different tastes? The world is perfect. 2
Cinnamonstix Posted April 6, 2016 Posted April 6, 2016 * cops * firemen * lawyers That's too funny. I'm not attracted to them either. 1
hippychick3 Posted April 6, 2016 Posted April 6, 2016 I actually went out on several dates with a guy who had a law degree, worked as an engineer, and owned his own plane after getting his pilot's license. He was actually one of the nicest guys I dated but unfortunately had a no personality. I tried so hard to feel some kind of spark with him. But after a month and a half, it just wasn't there. So they're really not all bad guys! 1
Lovelorn00 Posted April 6, 2016 Posted April 6, 2016 The most effective way to deal with being caught in a lie is to admit the truth as if there's nothing wrong & turn the table around, making it seem like it's the other person who is confused. I think this is called “gaslighting” which could also be going on in this situation. If so, that’s pretty crappy. 1
kismetkismet Posted April 6, 2016 Posted April 6, 2016 That's very manipulative and cruel. Smart people back away from people who do that. I think that's what they meant by it, that that's a typical tactic for liars and manipulators. It's actually a pretty serious emotional abuse tactic when taken to the extreme - called gaslighting. This specific example is obviously not abuse but when someone consistently makes you doubt your own memory/sanity it's important to pay attention to. Gaslighting or gas-lighting is a form of mental abuse in which information is twisted or spun, selectively omitted to favor the abuser, or false information is presented with the intent of making victims doubt their own memory, perception, and sanity. 2
kismetkismet Posted April 6, 2016 Posted April 6, 2016 I think this is called “gaslighting” which could also be going on in this situation. If so, that’s pretty crappy. Oops! didn't see that you'd already said that. 1
Lovelorn00 Posted April 6, 2016 Posted April 6, 2016 Oops! didn't see that you'd already said that. No worries! Thanks for adding that helpful definition! OP, if you've noticed a consistent pattern with this guy that sounds like what kismetkismet mentioned above... run. If he's constantly "flipping the script" and making you question the reality of events that actually happened, that's not cool. I've had this done to me before, and even though it didn't last long with that person, it was the worst feeling ever. 2
salparadise Posted April 7, 2016 Posted April 7, 2016 * cops * firemen * lawyers You forgot pilots Add military guys and that’s my “preferred” list! Oh, and engineers. But then, I also prefer bald men with linebacker physiques. Head hair is something that I’ll overlook if he’s terrific enough. Ain’t it great that everyone has different tastes? The world is perfect. Crisis averted. My girlfriend is not on Gaeta's list. I didn't have to break up with her last night. Instead we... ate homemade pizza and... Amazing how anxious those moments are when you realize that your life hangs on LS advice or opinion, and you know that the life-changing post will appear shortly... intense!
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