Tressugar Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 I just found out the guy I'm exclusively dating is still on two dating websites after he told me he removed himself off of one online dating website. The problem is I didn't know about the second website (he volunteered that information), but after I found out about both websites he told me he's not actively on either one of them. Then how do you explain him currently receiving Tinder matches if he's not ACTIVELY on these online websites? He said that he's not looking at his profiles. Should I believe him? What says you?
Author Tressugar Posted April 5, 2016 Author Posted April 5, 2016 I'm so hurt and upset at this discovery I can't sleep. This takes me right back to when I found out my ex husband cheated on me. I'm not saying he became involved with anyone else. I'm saying by the unexpected shock of the information. Now I know why he deletes all text messages, including mine and now different behaviors make sense. We have a standing dinner date tomorrow after work. In light of finding out he's keeping his options open, should I still continue to meet him for dinner? After finding out I became very quiet and withdrawn. I just eventually left his place without a word. Do you think he'll contact me again?
Toodaloo Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 After finding out I became very quiet and withdrawn. I just eventually left his place without a word. Do you think he'll contact me again? So this guy behaves inappropriately and you are worried about him contacting you again? Wrong way round... totally the wrong way round... 16
smudge21 Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 What a cad! If it was exclusive then yeah, he's betrayed your trust and by doing so, surely lost a lot of respect. You have to think that if he's like this now, then how would he be a year later. You shouldn't be worried whether he'll contact you, you should be hoping he doesn't unless it's kneeling over broken glass begging your forgiveness. It's him that's in the wrong here, not you. If you truly want someone like that in your life, then make him work for your trust and respect all over again. 4
Author Tressugar Posted April 5, 2016 Author Posted April 5, 2016 Thanks for all your feedback this is what is giving me my sanity back and helping me to become grounded. 3
Phoenician Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 OP , I am not sure if he is cheating on you or not ; I am not sure if he really matched with them ; but what I am sure of is that all dating sites they do matching based on so many criterion such as age , location , interrests...etc I am still getting updates from victorianmilan even though my account is deactivated since 2 month . When you saw his profile , was he persuing dating ? the question is ,if he declared interrest in his profile just friendship or online chatting ; would you also be unhappy ?
ExpatInItaly Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 OP , I am not sure if he is cheating on you or not ; I am not sure if he really matched with them ; but what I am sure of is that all dating sites they do matching based on so many criterion such as age , location , interrests...etc I am still getting updates from victorianmilan even though my account is deactivated since 2 month . When you saw his profile , was he persuing dating ? the question is ,if he declared interrest in his profile just friendship or online chatting ; would you also be unhappy ? Sorry, but who uses Tinder to find friendships? OP, get rid of him. 8
Phoenician Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 Yeah OP , Just get rid of him , you will kick your next guy if he makes a like on FB ? He was honest and voluntereed in telling you everything ; follow your feelings ; don't listen to us ; even if he is sexting ! be the mature woman , who can drag him to sext with her . we are a bunch of posters who are trying to impose on you what's best for you based on our experience not yours. I am not defending him , he could be a lier ; Sorry Op, but your expectations are very high ! why don't you put a sign for those would date you that he should stay in a Jar ? 1
Author Tressugar Posted April 5, 2016 Author Posted April 5, 2016 He gave me his phone to look at some pics while looking at the pics his Tinder notification pops up to indicate he has a match message.
Author Tressugar Posted April 5, 2016 Author Posted April 5, 2016 Pho, His and I agreement was to exclusively date meaning no one else. He wanted this agreement. He said that he's not looking and wanted me to be his girlfriend. Sooo I'm taking that he's not going to actively pursue other women. At least I thought that how these exclusive dating to long term relationships work. Granted I've been out of the dating world for awhile, but he and I had certain perimeters for our relationship. 2
loveweary11 Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 Before you get too worked up, I'd check more closely. Make him give you his phone so you can look at the actual messages. Look to see if he wrote to any tinder matches or if they were just piling up in the notifications. If he hasn't written back, he's just been lazy about deleting things. If he has written back, then follow all the dumping instructions in this thread.
Author Tressugar Posted April 5, 2016 Author Posted April 5, 2016 Love, I'm not going through his phone or play detective. He's already told me he's deleted his Tinder app after we became exclusive. I found out otherwise a few hours ago. Maybe I misunderstood or maybe he's lying. Either way it doesn't explain how he's getting current matches from almost three months ago. 2
loveweary11 Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 Love, I'm not going through his phone or play detective. He's already told me he's deleted his Tinder app after we became exclusive. I found out otherwise a few hours ago. Maybe I misunderstood or maybe he's lying. Either way it doesn't explain how he's getting current matches from almost three months ago. Whoops, i had missed that. If he lied, saying he deleted it, different story. Dishonesty is a perfect reason to dump. Dump away. Mine still pops up matches after I stopped using it though... 1
Phoenician Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 OP , I am not here to critisize you . I am not here to give you the wrong advise . all what I am saying that we men do silly things ! if you want to succeed in a relationship , the ground should be solid . when you said agreed about exclusivety ; he could say 100 excuses if the definition is broad . he might tell you , well , I am not sleeping with anyone else... you are both young too if i am not mistaken , right ? at the same time you don't want to put him in a jar right ? define for him the territory , don't assume he knows it .
salparadise Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 OP, while I completely understand how this makes you feel, I don't think that you should jump to immediate conclusions or catastrophize the situation. How long have you been dating? Browsing a dating site that he previously used does not equal cheating, or even the intention to cheat. It doesn't automatically mean that he doesn't have feelings for you or is not committed. Those damn sites are persistent and addictive. You get used to that little adrenaline pop when a new message or match pops up, and even if you completely adore your partner it still has that effect. Perhaps he did delete the tinder app at the time he told you and then after some amount of time he got curious to see if he got new matches after not looking for awhile and downloaded it again. Now if you know he's messaging people and pursuing hookups that's a different story altogether. In absence of evidence of that I'd just have a talk and tell him that you aren't comfortable with him having an active profile on the dating sites and see how he responds. Keep your eyes open and don't take much for granted until you know for sure what the situation is. If it turns out that he's fundamentally disingenuous, that's enough reason to terminate regardless of whether he has hooked up or is trying to. So yea, my feeling is that you get this out on the table and discuss, then monitor until you're sure you know what's what. This is a fundamental flaw in online dating- getting off of it completely can be like trying to give up sugar. Differentiate what you actually know from what you project or are afraid of. Sorry- I know it can be upsetting. 2
dreamingoftigers Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 You see the flag, you know the drill. He told you he was off the site and we all know what that was supposed to mean. Don't be an apologist for this idiot. His other behaviours correlate with this and he'll just be like the rest of the dude that behave like their only purpose in life is to collect as much vagina as possible. 10
dreamingoftigers Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 OP , I am not here to critisize you . I am not here to give you the wrong advise . all what I am saying that we men do silly things ! if you want to succeed in a relationship , the ground should be solid . when you said agreed about exclusivety ; he could say 100 excuses if the definition is broad . he might tell you , well , I am not sleeping with anyone else... you are both young too if i am not mistaken , right ? at the same time you don't want to put him in a jar right ? define for him the territory , don't assume he knows it . Yes OP, the ground should be solid. Not full of "silly things" because "he is a man." And expecting people not to lie straight to your face about exclusivity is not "putting someone in a jar." 7
kendahke Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 OP--are you upset enough to demote the exclusivity down to friendship and begin looking elsewhere?
Toodaloo Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 OP , I am not here to critisize you . I am not here to give you the wrong advise . all what I am saying that we men do silly things ! if you want to succeed in a relationship , the ground should be solid . when you said agreed about exclusivety ; he could say 100 excuses if the definition is broad . he might tell you , well , I am not sleeping with anyone else... you are both young too if i am not mistaken , right ? at the same time you don't want to put him in a jar right ? define for him the territory , don't assume he knows it . and OP, while I completely understand how this makes you feel, I don't think that you should jump to immediate conclusions or catastrophize the situation. How long have you been dating? Browsing a dating site that he previously used does not equal cheating, or even the intention to cheat. It doesn't automatically mean that he doesn't have feelings for you or is not committed. Those damn sites are persistent and addictive. You get used to that little adrenaline pop when a new message or match pops up, and even if you completely adore your partner it still has that effect. Perhaps he did delete the tinder app at the time he told you and then after some amount of time he got curious to see if he got new matches after not looking for awhile and downloaded it again. Now if you know he's messaging people and pursuing hookups that's a different story altogether. In absence of evidence of that I'd just have a talk and tell him that you aren't comfortable with him having an active profile on the dating sites and see how he responds. Keep your eyes open and don't take much for granted until you know for sure what the situation is. If it turns out that he's fundamentally disingenuous, that's enough reason to terminate regardless of whether he has hooked up or is trying to. So yea, my feeling is that you get this out on the table and discuss, then monitor until you're sure you know what's what. This is a fundamental flaw in online dating- getting off of it completely can be like trying to give up sugar. Differentiate what you actually know from what you project or are afraid of. Sorry- I know it can be upsetting. Guys. He said he had deleted it. He hadn't. It really is that simple. So in 2 months time when she catches him sleeping with some other girl do we then turn round and say oh well you saw the red flags but you chose to ignore it so its all your fault for not being woman enough to handle him... Gah. Its not rocket science. When will the day when we all say inappropriate behaviour from either sex is inappropriate instead of making excuses...? 9
Jejangles Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 I would end it if I were in the same circumstance. I kind of am (well in terms of relationship, hopefully not in terms of lying...) I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 3 months. We both deleted our online accounts after about a month. However, I have not ever checked his phone or anything to confirm Tinder is deleted. If I saw that he had in fact not deleted it and was receiving alerts from it (meaning there's no way he didn't know it was still on there), I would break up with him. Because if he'll lie about that, he'll lie about other things. 3
Gaeta Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 O Browsing a dating site that he previously used does not equal cheating, or even the intention to cheat. It doesn't automatically mean that he doesn't have feelings for you or is not committed. Those damn sites are persistent and addictive. You get used to that little adrenaline pop when a new message or match pops up, and even if you completely adore your partner it still has that effect. That's a lot of excuses. I don't believe that for one moment. When you meet someone that grasps your full attention you lose complete interest for online dating. I spent 4 years online, if someone should be addicted to the attention it's me. I met my bf 4 months ago and I am SO happy I don't have to go on there ever again! I don't miss it at all. Now I get my rush of adrenaline from him. I know tons of people that have met online. Those that lied about their profile still being online, those that kept their profile active, those that hide their profile instead of deleting it, those that kept popping online once in a while, all of those were not serious about their gf/bf and all of those relationship didn't last. And yes that goes for men and women. 3
salparadise Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 Those that lied about their profile still being online, those that kept their profile active, those that hide their profile instead of deleting it, those that kept popping online once in a while, all of those were not serious about their gf/bf and all of those relationship didn't last. And yes that goes for men and women. And if he really loved you he'd never let you pay, never look at or talk to another female, never enter another bar, would mow your grass and paint your house, pay your electric bill, never show up without flowers, would always do exactly as he's told... dontcha just love those "if he loved you" witticisms... they must be true, after all you heard it on LS.
Gaeta Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 And if he really loved you he'd never let you pay, never look at or talk to another female, never enter another bar, would mow your grass and paint your house, pay your electric bill, never show up without flowers, would always do exactly as he's told... dontcha just love those "if he loved you" witticisms... they must be true, after all you heard it on LS. We are talking online dating here and human nature. Human nature that I observed for the 4 years I was online. 4 Years observing my male friends doing online dating. 4 years of being their confident while they were looking for 'the one'. Even my male friends that are the most commitment phobe, that have spent years on Tinder and POF, once they found a woman that knocked their socks off they deleted their profile. You've been on here long enough, you've read enough similar stories on here to know I am right. All of those threads about <my boyfriend has a profile> don't have happy endings. 1
Jejangles Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 When you meet someone that grasps your full attention you lose complete interest for online dating. I spent 4 years online, if someone should be addicted to the attention it's me. I met my bf 4 months ago and I am SO happy I don't have to go on there ever again! I don't miss it at all. Now I get my rush of adrenaline from him. This rings true for me. I was online on and off for 5 years. My boyfriend was online on and off for 2 years. Both of us could not have been more excited to delete our profiles, I don't miss the thrill of matching one bit. I am thrilled to not have to log on anymore. However, I also have a friend who met her husband online and his profile was still up a year after they met (I think he had forgotten about it). They have been married 5 years and have two small kids and he is faithful as far as I know. So there are exceptions. But I think the rule is if a guy told you he deleted his profile and it's in fact still up, that's a bad sign. 2
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