Andy_Mc Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 Hey All, This is my first time posting on any forum, ever. I am clearly needing some major advice. I've read a bunch of threads regarding male friends of girlfriends but none quite speak into my situation. So here's mine in a nutshell. My girlfriend and I are in month 4 of a probably the most passionate and connected relationship I have ever experienced. I really think I love her, like I have never loved anyone before. From the get go, I knew of this guy friend who she's been mates with since middle school (She now has a masters degree and works in a top firm in London). I was initially weary of him as it seemed to me that their relationship was super intimate. I believed I was being irrational and put my mind to getting over the idea of it. Last week I met him for the first time when a group of us went out for some beers. I thought he was a cool guy but I couldn't help feel that she and him were in love... their body language etc. I said to her that if they are in love, I would rather bow out but she is adamant that they are just good friends and there was nothing to worry about... fair enough. Fast forward a week and through me insisting for an hour that she tell me what was bothering her (Something was clearly bothering her) she told me that just before we started seeing each other (a week before) she had a drunken kiss with this guy but that it didn't mean anything and I shouldn't worry. Also that they had kissed before and that last year he tried to get together with her. Fine, whatever. It's in the past right. Now, she is quite adamant that he is a big part of her life and she wants us to see him quite often. That she can't not have him as a friend in the same way he has always been her friend and that there is no reason why this should be a problem. I am really finding it hard, though. I struggle to believe that their friendship is healthy, especially for our new love - I wouldn't want him to be cut out completely as I think that would just lead to resentment, but I would love her to see that it has tainted things and that some adjustments should be made. It feels like she wants to have her cake and eat it, as the saying goes. Everything seems a bit tainted now and I don't have the excitement for our relationship that I did before. I really don't know what to do as this is causing quite a bit of anxiety in me and is preventing me from being the amazing, romantic, loving guy I know I am and want to be. I could walk away from it but I don't want to do that. How will it be when we see him again? Will they display the same body language as before? How do I not imagine them kissing and feel that they are ones that should be together? Help, please!
Phoenician Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 From one side she seem to be frank with you . On the other hand she is trying to have the cake and eat it . From the way I personally see it ; it is a red alert . I believe you should stand up and enforce some rules : such as she can't see him alone except in public place and so on. if she rages , then forget about her ; just throw the towel . 3
ad4m Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 I think this is an interesting one as you could come at it from different angles. One way to look at it is she is messing you around. There maybe looks like there could be something more between her and the guy that makes their relationship slightly more than just friends, and she is not being completely honest with you about the way they feel about each other. I do hope for you sake this isn't the case obviously. On the flip side, I always think that a girl who has friends that are guys come across better than girls who never hang around with any guys. It shows the girl is confident in being friends with guys and not worrying about whether she is going to be hit on all the time or whether other girls think she is a player. If they have been friends since middle school, it's not that surprising that they have kissed and nearly hooked up. It probably didn't mean anything, but when your friends with someone (girls friends with girls and girls friends with guys) for that long, things like that can happen, and I really wouldn't worry about it too much. The next thing for you I think is to sit down with her and tell her how you really feel about this guy friend and find out all of their history and how she truly feels about him. If this situation is preventing you being the best partner you can be, you need to talk to her about it. Hope this helps!
Zippy2000 Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 From one side she seem to be frank with you . On the other hand she is trying to have the cake and eat it . From the way I personally see it ; it is a red alert . I believe you should stand up and enforce some rules : such as she can't see him alone except in public place and so on. if she rages , then forget about her ; just throw the towel . Appreciate your comment but listen to what you are saying. Some people will take that the wrong way like him being the jealous partner, or control freak. Think also about the impact of that having not able to see each other as friends will drive them underground and possibly they may get clsoer secretly. Just like fobidden fruits Something you cant have. Remember this friend was there before she met her new man. Although its difficult. Maybe express your worries and see how she reacts. If she cares for you then she`d stop being so intimate with her "friend". 2
LydiaLong Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 Here's my opinion. When a woman falls in love, she can think only of the man she loves. All friends tend to fade away for a while. She wants to be with you only. If that's not happening, she's not as in love as you think. In our wedding vows we said 'forsaking all others.' 2
smudge21 Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 I think you've made your point clear and you need to make sure she knows that you will walk if there is anything between them. You won't stand for being lied to or treated with disrespect. You wouldn't treat her that way, so the same goes for her. Now with that said, it's really down to how much you truly trust her. You already have doubts, but can she put your mind at ease. Is she willing to see things from your point of view and therefore make everything transparent between her and this guy. If she can make the effort for you, then that would say something, but if she starts getting defensive and angry, even laughing off your worries, then I would see that as cause for concern. Having friends of the opposite sex is one thing, but admitting that things got steamy with them recently is another. How would she feel if things were reversed and it was you who had the close female friend. It's not an easy decision you have to make here, so think it through and never ever react when you're in the heat of the moment. Take time as you don't want to throw away something that could be really good over nothing.
kendahke Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 Don't make her choose between you and him. You make the choice to give up this relationship because she's not going to give up her friendship with her love-boy. There is enough of an ember there to set off a conflagration and you don't want to get burned in the process. If she wasn't resolved of that relationship by the time she met you, she ain't gonna be resolved of it. Do yourself a favor and end it before you end up getting humiliated and hurt. 1
kendahke Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 From one side she seem to be frank with you . On the other hand she is trying to have the cake and eat it . From the way I personally see it ; it is a red alert . I believe you should stand up and enforce some rules : such as she can't see him alone except in public place and so on. if she rages , then forget about her ; just throw the towel . Nope. That's not going to work. It should be her choice to give up the friendship, not him "enforcing" anything. He's not her father.
smackie9 Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 Maybe not enforce but lay out "boundaries/expectations". It's hard to think straight when you are in the infatuation stage of a relationship. She has kept this behavior up since middle school, so she isn't going to see anything wrong with it. There does need to be a discussion but from a different angle. Stop questioning her feelings for him, and acting like a jealous fool. You need to explain what you see from your perspective. Put herself in your shoes...ask her, how would she feel if you had a female friend that you were showing sexual tension type behavior with, wanting her around all the time, your attention focused on her, etc. Also it is NOT appropriate to be so closely associated to someone who is pursuing you when you are in a relationship....this is the key thing that should be mentioned. Let her think about it. If she can't see it from your perspective, then you have only two choices....A)put up with it or B) breakup 1
kgcolonel Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 Maybe not enforce but lay out "boundaries/expectations". It's hard to think straight when you are in the infatuation stage of a relationship. She has kept this behavior up since middle school, so she isn't going to see anything wrong with it. There does need to be a discussion but from a different angle. Stop questioning her feelings for him, and acting like a jealous fool. You need to explain what you see from your perspective. Put herself in your shoes...ask her, how would she feel if you had a female friend that you were showing sexual tension type behavior with, wanting her around all the time, your attention focused on her, etc. Also it is NOT appropriate to be so closely associated to someone who is pursuing you when you are in a relationship....this is the key thing that should be mentioned. Let her think about it. If she can't see it from your perspective, then you have only two choices....A)put up with it or B) breakup Exactly this....it is not about "enforcing rules" but stating what you are comfortable with and either working through it together or simply taking the "long walk" away from a relationship that will end sooner and more negatively than need be. "This is what i am looking for in a relationship....this is what i am comfortable with, this is what I do not want....etc." These are adult conversations coming from mature people....if you and she can't get to this point, I can't see the R lasting....at least not an exclusive R which is what i see you wanting. 2
kismetkismet Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 this is tough! My best friend is a guy and we're really close - we talk every day, know everything about each other, have helped each other through breakups etc. However, nothing romantic has EVER happened between us. We've gone out drinking just the two of us and I've slept at his house while drunk and nothing has ever happened.. we've both been single at the same time multiple times etc... so it's not a matter of missed opportunity or one sided love, we just don't feel that way about each other. And I'm pretty sure that it's obvious that is the case when you see the two of us together. I have made sure to introduce my boyfriends to him quickly so that they can see this. The fact that she and this guy have crossed these boundaries already would definitely set me on edge. Has she explained to you why they've never dated? That would be a good question to ask.. if it's a matter of timing, or of being afraid to ruin a friendship then that's a little worrisome. But if it's a matter of lack of interest then you're at least in slightly better form. I think that it's fair to agree on some boundaries, but there's not much you can do to ENFORCE them. If she sees nothing wrong with her behaviour and sees your anxiety as controlling then she will resent you even if she follows them. If you guys are a good match though, you should have similar ideas about what these kinds of boundaries. so.. I'd ask her why they never dated, and I'd have a long conversation about your discomfort with it. Then I would assess whether you think you can deal with the results of that conversation.. if it still hurts you and fills you with anxiety, you may need to walk.
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