strawberryshortstack Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 I've been seeing someone for 5 months now. We spend at least two nights per week with each other, and everything has been going great. Sure, we have our disagreements, but generally, our communication and problem resolution is great. Here's where the current problem is. I work mostly daytime shifts at work, but one night/overnight shift (I'm a shift manager at a restaurant). I have non standard days off. These days off have been pretty consistently Tuesday and Thursday for the last year or so, and a later shift on Wednesday, and a late enough shift on Saturday that we could easily spend Tuesday nights and Friday nights together, plus additional days as my changing schedule allows. He works Tues - Thursday, but starts work late afternoon/evening. His work is very emotionally draining, and this affects him physically as well, but this hasn't been a problem, because he hasn't been getting as much work as he'd like/should get. He's self-employed, and thus has personal and business expenses to worry about. My scheduling manager just up and changed things around completely so now I have this Saturday off, and an overnight shift on Sunday, and also work at 6 a.m. on Wednesday. Seems that Friday would still work, except that I don't get off work until 10 p.m. and he'll likely be sleeping by then, and Tuesday night is out with such an early start time for me the next day. When I first told him about the change to my schedule this week, he said "well, then it sounds like we swap to Monday instead of Tuesday, and we can worry about the second night when we get closer" (I suggested Saturday, but he already has a commitment that night). This sounded fine to me, so I agreed to it. Last night, he tells me that we'll see each other Thursday (and not tonight as we'd discussed). When I mentioned this to him, he told me that he'd never said we'd see each other tonight. After further reflection, he realized that I was right, and that he had said it, but said that he needed some time alone because he's feeling overwhelmed and stressed out with everything going on (not enough clients, and also trying to move his business to a different location one night of the week to reduce his commute). So he needs some space. He then implied that we wouldn't see each other until next week (Wednesday). I got frustrated with this, and we discussed things further. Where we left it is that we'll try for Thursday, but I suspect that when Thursday gets here, he's going to be way too exhausted to see me, and I'm not thrilled with the idea of not seeing him until next Wednesday. In the meantime, I'm progressing through steps in the application process for a new job that is a significant pay increase for me (we're talking 3 1/2 times what I make now) - this requires a LOT of paperwork, a background check, etc., and I have only two weeks to gather/send all of the needed materials. I'm working on this, but most of it is a waiting game. In the meantime, it's stressing me out and all I want from him is some comfort (in person, not via text/telephone). I don't need him to take on anything that he isn't already doing - just talk to me about life, watch tv with me, have dinner with me, and cuddle with me as we sleep. All things he's already doing when we see each other. I'm trying to be understanding of his situation, and I'm not pushing, but I'm frustrated and unhappy. I don't know if I'm overreacting, or if this is a reasonable reaction to the situation. Any thoughts? I'm probably overreacting due to my own stress, but I welcome opinions. Maybe you all can see a side that I'm not seeing.
TXGuy Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 Try not to stress too much about it. You have had a set schedule for almost 5 months and now you are changing it. It might take a few weeks for him to readjust the rest of schedule to fit with your new one.
Author strawberryshortstack Posted April 5, 2016 Author Posted April 5, 2016 How far apart do both of you live? About 20 minutes from each other by car, but he works 30 minutes from where he lives, and then it's 20 more minutes to me. I don't drive, but if I need to get to him and he isn't able to pick me up (or if I want to give him a break from driving), there are buses or I call for an Uber. The driving is absolutely not the issue though.
Els Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 About 20 minutes from each other by car, but he works 30 minutes from where he lives, and then it's 20 more minutes to me. I don't drive, but if I need to get to him and he isn't able to pick me up (or if I want to give him a break from driving), there are buses or I call for an Uber. The driving is absolutely not the issue though. Oh, 20 minutes shouldn't be an issue then - I don't think you're unreasonable to want to see him at least once this week. You could let Monday go, but if he isn't even interested in Thursday I would be wary. 5 months is still early, you're still in the honeymoon phase. Barring extenuating issues like illness or long distance (neither of which apply), I think it's only normal to want to see each other once a week at least. Especially if you are traveling to him, I don't see any good reason why he would decline twice.
Author strawberryshortstack Posted April 5, 2016 Author Posted April 5, 2016 Try not to stress too much about it. You have had a set schedule for almost 5 months and now you are changing it. It might take a few weeks for him to readjust the rest of schedule to fit with your new one. We're really only talking about this week. The rest of the month has changed as well, but that's just a matter of shifting our Tuesdays and Fridays to Wednesday and Saturday. And my schedule may be back to normal next month when we should have a new manager added to the schedule (we just lost one due to maternity leave). The issue is that if I don't see him Thursday (I've already let Monday go), I won't see him until Wednesday next week, and it's already been since Saturday a.m. I know that doesn't seem like a lot of time, but I'm used to seeing him twice a week, and with the stress from my current job, and the stress of making sure everything gets in on time for the job I've applied for, it really seems like forever.
Author strawberryshortstack Posted April 5, 2016 Author Posted April 5, 2016 Oh, 20 minutes shouldn't be an issue then - I don't think you're unreasonable to want to see him at least once this week. You could let Monday go, but if he isn't even interested in Thursday I would be wary. 5 months is still early, you're still in the honeymoon phase. Barring extenuating issues like illness or long distance (neither of which apply), I think it's only normal to want to see each other once a week at least. Especially if you are traveling to him, I don't see any good reason why he would decline twice. Well, he actually has had some ongoing health issues that have resulted in lower energy than usual, but that by itself hasn't caused any issues thus far.
jen1447 Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 I don't really think you're overreacting. He should give you what you need. That said, I don't suppose it's unreasonable for you to just suck it up either if it's only temporary.
Author strawberryshortstack Posted April 5, 2016 Author Posted April 5, 2016 I don't really think you're overreacting. He should give you what you need. That said, I don't suppose it's unreasonable for you to just suck it up either if it's only temporary. Yeah, I've had time to sleep on it, and I've decided to let it go, since he's made it clear that it's not anything I've done, and that it is only for this week. I still would have liked to see him last night, but it's not enough to destroy an otherwise good relationship over. Onward and upward!
Author strawberryshortstack Posted April 5, 2016 Author Posted April 5, 2016 Thanks everyone for your responses!
d0nnivain Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 Because you are stressing about your schedule change at work while on pins & needles about the new opportunity you are hyper-sensitive. He could be better but he's not bad. You are just in a cranky place. That's not a criticism; I'd be a stressed out wreck too in your shoes. Try to take some deep breaths & remember this too shall pass. When you are hurting it can be a huge comfort to get a little TLC from somebody you are care about but think about what strategies you would have used 5 months ago, before you met him, to self soothe & employ them. It should help you be a little less critical of him. 2
preraph Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 Look, he admitted he gave you contradictory plan schedule info, saying Mondays from now on and then he didn't think about doing it right then, that Monday, and needed some down time. All I can tell you is that anytime someone asks for relaxation time or down time or space, the last thing you should do is confront them and make a big deal about it. It's the very worst time to talk about it, when they're tired and wanting to destress. So he goofed up, but you used bad judgment making a big deal about it when you knew he was already stressed. That's what makes people get sick of relationships. Of course, using common sense, if they start needing more and more space, probably yes, that's more of an exit strategy, but you have no reason to think so in this minor instance. And remember it was your schedule changed. 1
kismetkismet Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 agree with d0nnivain! I often find that when I'm really stressed out about other things in life I am in a mental state that makes me prone to over thinking and relationship insecurity. I've had to tell my boyfriend that when I get really overly stressed with school/work (when my hours get to 60+) a little extra stability and reassurance from him really helps. i wouldn't expect that from all guys probably, but he is sensitive and has similar anxious tendencies to me. Since he's ALSO very stressed I'd be less inclined to expect it as well, so I'd just try to self soothe and talk yourself down from overthinking everything. Things always sort themselves out in some way or another, it's just the not knowing that can be hard. Reassure yourself that no matter what happens (with your job or your relationship) you'll be just fine in the end. If he was consistently changing plans and putting things off I'd maybe have a different perspective, but this seems like a special circumstance sort of thing.
Author strawberryshortstack Posted April 5, 2016 Author Posted April 5, 2016 Look, he admitted he gave you contradictory plan schedule info, saying Mondays from now on and then he didn't think about doing it right then, that Monday, and needed some down time. All I can tell you is that anytime someone asks for relaxation time or down time or space, the last thing you should do is confront them and make a big deal about it. It's the very worst time to talk about it, when they're tired and wanting to destress. So he goofed up, but you used bad judgment making a big deal about it when you knew he was already stressed. That's what makes people get sick of relationships. Of course, using common sense, if they start needing more and more space, probably yes, that's more of an exit strategy, but you have no reason to think so in this minor instance. And remember it was your schedule changed. I actually didn't make a big deal out of it knowing that he was stressed. It was only after I expressed concern (and not in a confrontational way) about him apparently forgetting our plan to see each other last night that he told me he was stressed. And when he told me he needed space, I gave it to him. This didn't happen until we'd already been discussing the issue for a while. We said good night, and I have left him alone since. I'll probably hear from him sometime this evening while he's between clients, as this is pretty standard for us.
kendahke Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 He may feel that you're asking him for something he is not emotionally equipped to give you at the moment because of the whole dissatisfaction with his job situation, the emotional toll it takes on him, etc. He just may not have the desire to hold your hand through filling out paper work for a promotion. You may need to just turn to your girls for that at this point. It doesn't help that you're working crazy hours--will this promotion give you regular hours so that you can have a regular life?
Author strawberryshortstack Posted April 5, 2016 Author Posted April 5, 2016 He may feel that you're asking him for something he is not emotionally equipped to give you at the moment because of the whole dissatisfaction with his job situation, the emotional toll it takes on him, etc. He just may not have the desire to hold your hand through filling out paper work for a promotion. You may need to just turn to your girls for that at this point. It doesn't help that you're working crazy hours--will this promotion give you regular hours so that you can have a regular life? It's not really a promotion, exactly - it's an entirely new job in a different industry. Due to the nature of the job, the hours could be just as crazy, but the pay and benefits make it hard to pass up the opportunity. And again, after this week, we'll be able to settle into a regular routine again, at least for a few weeks (the schedules are done a month at a time, and it's possible that next month may be the same as this one, or might get switched up again). It's just that this week is a particularly rough one for me, and it's hard to not see him.
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