How to have the "where is this going" talk/conversation without sounding controlling?

[adilaurentis]

I have zero experience with the "define the relationship" talk and I seem to receive a mixed bag of advice too: some say if he's not ready to commit after three months then he's never going to commit; some say you should let the relationship unfold naturally, avoid being needy and insecure, and just enjoy the moment and go with the flow. For the most part, I still think that women shouldn't have to bring this up, and the right guy will step up when the time is right.

 

I've been seeing someone since mid-January and it started off slowly (seeing each other about once every other Saturday at bars while keeping in touch here and there in between dates) and then moved toward more frequent meetings around mid- to late-February with a lot of all-day activities, movies, day trips, etc. Since March we've also been texting almost every day and the conversations started to sound more like an exchange between a couple. There were two weeks when his parents came to visit so we didn't get to see each other during that time but both made great effort at keeping in touch every day. Even he said himself a few weeks ago that it seems like this is getting serious.

 

He's also made home-cooked meals for me several times and said that should make me feel special enough. He admitted that he likes me and that he thinks I'm a sweet girl. We've also had some talks

 

I'm curious about where he sees this going and I don't know how to bring it up without scaring him off. He seems to be okay with how things are going now and doesn't seem to be bothered by the fact that technically we're not exclusive or in a relationship officially yet. I also still see him on the dating app (we met on there) every day and I have a hunch he's still chatting up a storm on there. I can't tell if he's actively seeing someone else at the same time too although it doesn't seem like it since I've been kind of occupying his weekends lately. To me that's a sign that someone's not ready to commit to one person at all. I know the good signs are obvious but I've had a similar experience in the past where everything was great until it all fell apart anyway two months later.

 

Any insights/advice would be appreciated.

[itstoni]

I have zero experience with the "define the relationship" talk and I seem to receive a mixed bag of advice too: some say if he's not ready to commit after three months then he's never going to commit; some say you should let the relationship unfold naturally, avoid being needy and insecure, and just enjoy the moment and go with the flow. For the most part, I still think that women shouldn't have to bring this up, and the right guy will step up when the time is right.

 

I've been seeing someone since mid-January and it started off slowly (seeing each other about once every other Saturday at bars while keeping in touch here and there in between dates) and then moved toward more frequent meetings around mid- to late-February with a lot of all-day activities, movies, day trips, etc. Since March we've also been texting almost every day and the conversations started to sound more like an exchange between a couple. There were two weeks when his parents came to visit so we didn't get to see each other during that time but both made great effort at keeping in touch every day. Even he said himself a few weeks ago that it seems like this is getting serious.

 

He's also made home-cooked meals for me several times and said that should make me feel special enough. He admitted that he likes me and that he thinks I'm a sweet girl. We've also had some talks

 

I'm curious about where he sees this going and I don't know how to bring it up without scaring him off. He seems to be okay with how things are going now and doesn't seem to be bothered by the fact that technically we're not exclusive or in a relationship officially yet. I also still see him on the dating app (we met on there) every day and I have a hunch he's still chatting up a storm on there. I can't tell if he's actively seeing someone else at the same time too although it doesn't seem like it since I've been kind of occupying his weekends lately. To me that's a sign that someone's not ready to commit to one person at all. I know the good signs are obvious but I've had a similar experience in the past where everything was great until it all fell apart anyway two months later.

 

Any insights/advice would be appreciated.

 

If I were you I'd just let it fall into place.If he wants to be with you, he will let you know. If you want something more than that and what to know sooner then bring it up. Be direct. If you want to bring it up, I believe the best way is to ask him out.

 

 

Be prepare to lose him or win him as well.

 

Since you guys are't exclusive, it shouldn't matter to you if he is talking to others, he's within his right to do so.

 

Goodluck

[Ami1uwant]

This is more around a relationship at the 5 week mark. Too soon to bring this up. It's fine to talk about things such as outlook on life, what do you want later on, when did you want yo get married snd have children

 

When to bring thus up depends a lot on age snd past dating experiences/relationships.

 

Someone in their early/mid 20s has no thought in marriage

 

Dome one mid 30s never married wants to get married.

 

Someone mid 30s, but divorced may not want yo get married again.

[smudge21]

He could be wondering the same about you. Do you know his past that well? Maybe he's been burnt before and doesn't want to rush things. I'm the type who when I meet someone and there's a connection beyond the physical I like to get to know them and am happy to take my time. For some obviously this can suggest I'm uninterested when in reality I am more than interested, just wanting it to be right. Sometimes rushing into things can ruin it, but then again, taking your time can also ruin it. There's no fixed rules and we're talking two strangers meeting and coming together. I don't think there's anything wrong with you taking the initiative here, being a bit more forward, making it clear you are happy for more. There's really no clear way of knowing someone's intentions without taking that step to find out. Hope it works out the way you want.

[adilaurentis]

If I were you I'd just let it fall into place.If he wants to be with you, he will let you know. If you want something more than that and what to know sooner then bring it up. Be direct. If you want to bring it up, I believe the best way is to ask him out.

 

 

Be prepare to lose him or win him as well.

 

Since you guys are't exclusive, it shouldn't matter to you if he is talking to others, he's within his right to do so.

 

Goodluck

 

He's definitely within his right to talk to others still, but it's also a sign to me that he's not ready to commit yet and that he's not done playing the field, which bothers me a little.

[adilaurentis]

He could be wondering the same about you. Do you know his past that well? Maybe he's been burnt before and doesn't want to rush things. I'm the type who when I meet someone and there's a connection beyond the physical I like to get to know them and am happy to take my time. For some obviously this can suggest I'm uninterested when in reality I am more than interested, just wanting it to be right. Sometimes rushing into things can ruin it, but then again, taking your time can also ruin it. There's no fixed rules and we're talking two strangers meeting and coming together. I don't think there's anything wrong with you taking the initiative here, being a bit more forward, making it clear you are happy for more. There's really no clear way of knowing someone's intentions without taking that step to find out. Hope it works out the way you want.

 

I know what you mean. I personally have been burnt before so I tread very carefully anymore and I'm very unwilling to initiate anything (contact, dates, etc.) because I want the other person to show/prove their interest in me first. But I'm also noticing some backfire effect because this guy actually said that he'd been the one to ask me out this entire time and I'd never asked him out once. Sounds like he wants to see me taking some initiatives every now and then.

 

The last guy I dated showed all great signs of interest and everything was going so well until about two months later when he ran into his ex and it reopened his wounds and made him realize that he's not over her. I really had my hopes up early on. Now I'm just too afraid to move forward.

[smudge21]

Maybe then both of you are wanting the other to step up but neither of you know this. Maybe instead of talking about moving things forward you should just take the initiative and move things forward yourself. It can be tricky, as you can never be 100% what the other person is feeling or thinking, but sometimes you have to roll the dice and hope it works out. You can't live in limbo and the last thing you want to is to lose something and then hear that you missed out because he thought you weren't interested. Wish I could say do this or do that, but having been here myself, it's a minefield and every one is different for each person. Whatever you decide to do, remind yourself that right as this moment, this is the right decision for me.