Author ilovemusic3 Posted April 9, 2016 Author Posted April 9, 2016 OP why don't you go for it? My first French, she went for it and I sure wasn't stopping her. It's just he seems closed off. I would have to ask before kissing him. I could not just grab him and kiss him.
Author ilovemusic3 Posted April 9, 2016 Author Posted April 9, 2016 No offense, but he may have thought the same about you. Not that it was your intention to act that way but..... Why are you not able to communicate? Word it however you like, to get your point across and to facilitate a discussion. If nothing else, it will be good practice, as it sounds like you don't have much experience communicating your feelings, things that trouble you, etc. You are in a relationship, it's time you learn, don't you think? I don't say that to be harsh or anything, but seriously don't you really think you should start learning to communicate? No relationship will ever work out unless you can do that. Wish you the best hon and good luck! I just think it's a awkward topic. I'm just upset this even has to be brought up. I just never thought a guy that was attracted to someone would not want to do anything physical. He barely pecks me on the lips, this is how it's been. I told him after some dates he could kiss me this is probably the only reason he has even pecked me. I just don't understand why he isn't communicating with me. If he does have a phobia or something is wrong why isn't he telling me? I think he should be communicating with me. I don't understand why he doesn't even put his arm around me. I just can't believe it. On our first few dates he said he didn't know when it was time to kiss someone. However I thought that meant the first time, I was the one that told him he could kiss me. This was when he pecked me, not much has changed except the peck is even less.
Author ilovemusic3 Posted April 9, 2016 Author Posted April 9, 2016 I'm not sure why you keep posting wondering why he hasn't kissed you when you knew from the start he has never kissed anyone. So it shouldn't be that surprising that he is any different with you. Now as to the reason, it could be a lot if things...he might be gay, might be asexual, might have a phobia, whatever. But the best placed person to find out is you. If you don't feel you can initiate the kiss yourself, then you have to ask him. Well I was the one that told him he could kiss me. Our faces were close and he was just looking at me. He pecked me and that's what he continues to do, sometimes it's not even totally on the lips. He doesn't even always talk in person, on the phone he talks, but not so much in person.
katiegrl Posted April 9, 2016 Posted April 9, 2016 I just think it's a awkward topic. I'm just upset this even has to be brought up. I just never thought a guy that was attracted to someone would not want to do anything physical. He barely pecks me on the lips, this is how it's been. I told him after some dates he could kiss me this is probably the only reason he has even pecked me. I just don't understand why he isn't communicating with me. If he does have a phobia or something is wrong why isn't he telling me? I think he should be communicating with me. I don't understand why he doesn't even put his arm around me. I just can't believe it. On our first few dates he said he didn't know when it was time to kiss someone. However I thought that meant the first time, I was the one that told him he could kiss me. This was when he pecked me, not much has changed except the peck is even less. What sort of things does he do to indicate he IS attracted to you? Not words, but actions?
katiegrl Posted April 9, 2016 Posted April 9, 2016 Well I was the one that told him he could kiss me. Our faces were close and he was just looking at me. He pecked me and that's what he continues to do, sometimes it's not even totally on the lips. He doesn't even always talk in person, on the phone he talks, but not so much in person. Sounds like he has a serious case of social anxiety disorder. You cannot help him with that, only a qualified therapist can help him. Just a guess though.
katiegrl Posted April 9, 2016 Posted April 9, 2016 (edited) Sounds like he has a serious case of social anxiety disorder. You cannot help him with that, only a qualified therapist can help him. Just a guess though. And your not being able to communicate with him isn't helping. Your awkwardness with each other compounds the problem... for both of you. Jmo but you are not a good match for each other. He needs a woman who isn't afraid to communicate, express her feelings and be open, and you need a man more aggressive who makes you feel comfortable enough so you *can* express yourself! And who is obviously more physically affectionate. We all need that! Edited April 9, 2016 by katiegrl
katiegrl Posted April 9, 2016 Posted April 9, 2016 What sort of things does he do to indicate he IS attracted to you? Not words, but actions? Anything? If not, what the hell is the point of dating him at all? Anyhoo, nuff said I guess. Again good luck, hope it works out for ya.
Gloria25 Posted April 9, 2016 Posted April 9, 2016 Him being 30 and not 19, I'm going to have to say that I think there is something big you don't know about this guy. He has some type of big mental issue or sexual issue. He sounds like he's kissing you as little as it takes to keep you around. That's not normal. I dated a gay guy for a long time but I knew he was gay, but he couldn't even consider it because he had some family/religion-instilled shame about sex overall, had nightmares about it. This guy could have any or all those problems or be asexual or have a debilitating social anxiety. Anyway, do not even consider making any more commitments until you've known him a year and feel you know what's really going on with him. This ^^... I say move on, he's a nutcase and even if he marries you and has a kid with you, he - one day is gonna come out of the closet and/or stop having sex with you. Unless you're a woman wanting a sperm-donor and a roommate rather than a husband and lover, I would pass on him.
Author ilovemusic3 Posted April 9, 2016 Author Posted April 9, 2016 Anything? If not, what the hell is the point of dating him at all? Anyhoo, nuff said I guess. Again good luck, hope it works out for ya. Well he tells everybody he knows about me, changed his profile picture on fb to us, put a picture of us up in his apartment and its the background on his phone. He seems happy talking to me on the phone and sometimes in person. He plans dates and talks about future dates.
katiegrl Posted April 9, 2016 Posted April 9, 2016 This ^^... I say move on, he's a nutcase and even if he marries you and has a kid with you, he - one day is gonna come out of the closet and/or stop having sex with you. Unless you're a woman wanting a sperm-donor and a roommate rather than a husband and lover, I would pass on him. Stop having sex? LOL He can't even manage to kiss her for heaven's sake. 1
Gloria25 Posted April 9, 2016 Posted April 9, 2016 Stop having sex? LOL He can't even manage to kiss her for heaven's sake. Oh, she'll probably force it on him and they'll get married, have 5 min sex until she gets pregnant and then the sex, kissing, touching will eventually stop - cuz whatever underlying issues he has (molestation, gay, insecurities) will come back cuz now he's got her where he wants her. Some guys like him marry and/or have kids cuz they're in denial, wanna try marriage to see if they're really into women, and/or marry out of fear of what family, society, and/or community would think of them if they didn't marry and/or came out of the closet. And, they pick naive and/or undesirable chicks - chicks who are just grateful to be picked up and/or think he's just such a nice guy
katiegrl Posted April 9, 2016 Posted April 9, 2016 (edited) Well he tells everybody he knows about me, changed his profile picture on fb to us, put a picture of us up in his apartment and its the background on his phone. He seems happy talking to me on the phone and sometimes in person. He plans dates and talks about future dates. That still doesn't answer the question. Again, what does he do that would indicate he is physically and sexually attracted to you? All those things you mentioned prove is that he knows how to "go through the motions" of having a relationship. And that he likes you. But as what? A friend? A companion? Who likes to talk on the phone and *sometimes* in person. No kissing, touching, physical affection. This is a *relationship*? Frankly, your choosing to stick around is as baffling as him not being able or wanting to kiss you. Can't figure it myself but obviously you're getting something out of it. Edited April 9, 2016 by katiegrl
Author ilovemusic3 Posted April 9, 2016 Author Posted April 9, 2016 That still doesn't answer the question. Again, what does he do that would indicate he is physically and sexually attracted to you? All those things you mentioned prove is that he knows how to "go through the motions" of having a relationship. And that he likes you. But as what? A friend? A companion? Who likes to talk on the phone and *sometimes* in person? And no kissing or touching. This a *relationship*? Frankly, your choosing to stick around is as baffling as him not being able or wanting to kiss you. Can't figure it myself but obviously you're getting something out of it. Well I do like him, he is nice and I do have fun with him. The lack of physical stuff is mainly our only issue. He also doesn't talk much in person either lately. We don't really talk when we're out to eat. Is this normal? He talks a lot on the phone, so maybe we run out of stuff to say in person? I just can't believe I was at his apartment for 4 hours and he didn't touch me. What is wrong with him? I already told him he could kiss me, I have to keep saying it?
Author ilovemusic3 Posted April 9, 2016 Author Posted April 9, 2016 Oh, she'll probably force it on him and they'll get married, have 5 min sex until she gets pregnant and then the sex, kissing, touching will eventually stop - cuz whatever underlying issues he has (molestation, gay, insecurities) will come back cuz now he's got her where he wants her. Some guys like him marry and/or have kids cuz they're in denial, wanna try marriage to see if they're really into women, and/or marry out of fear of what family, society, and/or community would think of them if they didn't marry and/or came out of the closet. And, they pick naive and/or undesirable chicks - chicks who are just grateful to be picked up and/or think he's just such a nice guy Wow you think he could have been molested? Never thought of that . I do have trouble getting guys to like me. I just thought this guy was finally normal. He seems normal when we talk, he doesn't act weird
katiegrl Posted April 9, 2016 Posted April 9, 2016 Well I do like him, he is nice and I do have fun with him. The lack of physical stuff is mainly our only issue. He also doesn't talk much in person either lately. We don't really talk when we're out to eat. Is this normal? He talks a lot on the phone, so maybe we run out of stuff to say in person? I just can't believe I was at his apartment for 4 hours and he didn't touch me. What is wrong with him? I already told him he could kiss me, I have to keep saying it? I'm sorry, none of this sounds even remotely *normal* to me. Not even close. The first few months are the honeymoon period! Physically, you are all over each other, and can't stop talking! Can't get enough of each other .. and are giddy with excitement for each other. Hopefully, one day you will get to experience this. 1
Author ilovemusic3 Posted April 9, 2016 Author Posted April 9, 2016 I'm sorry, none of this sounds even remotely *normal* to me. Not even close. The first few months are the honeymoon period! Physically, you are all over each other, and can't stop talking! Can't get enough of each other .. and are giddy with excitement for each other. Hopefully, one day you will get to experience this. Me too Katie. When we were on the couch he fell asleep, on his phone, doing stuff around apartment. He acts like we're an old married couple. He didn't even put his arm around me. He really seems to just want to watch TV and I would be bothering him if I kissed him. Could he just be nervous or didn't think we were there yet?
Gloria25 Posted April 9, 2016 Posted April 9, 2016 Well I do like him, he is nice and I do have fun with him. The lack of physical stuff is mainly our only issue. He also doesn't talk much in person either lately. We don't really talk when we're out to eat. Is this normal? He talks a lot on the phone, so maybe we run out of stuff to say in person? I just can't believe I was at his apartment for 4 hours and he didn't touch me. What is wrong with him? I already told him he could kiss me, I have to keep saying it? Well, he's already starting to pull back. I mean, he doesn't talk that much anymore and/or in person... I mean, who is 30 and so inexperienced without having "something" going on with them? Regardless of the reasons he "claims" he's holding back on the physical (religion, experience, wanting to get to know you), simple kissing, hugging, touching is something even some religious guys will do while dating. You can pry all you want, he's not gonna tell you. I mean think about it. If he's gay and/or was molested - he's definitely not gonna tell some person he's dating...Experienced and professional counselors even have trouble with combative patients who won't open up about what's really going on with them. My fav podcaster had a call...the woman was married for a couple of years, they had two kids and for like a year or two he stopped having sex with her. He "claims" its cuz they fight a lot. She tried marital counseling for a few months and they talked about everything - but the sex. I also know a woman, who after 12 years of marriage and two kids - her husband "came out of the closet" and went into a sex change. He said he was tired of denying who he really was. So, its up to you - these are red flags. Even "if" he overcomes this issue with physical intimacy long enough to get you into marriage and/or having kids - the issues that are really behind his lack of desire to have intimacy with women is gonna come back up...you can suppress somethings for only so long. Now, there are some positives. One lady married a virgin...but while engaged, she told him that she wouldn't go forward with the marriage until they had sex. Well, she put him on a "test drive" and she felt he was ok and went through with the marriage. Now he wants sex more than she does So, if you want this guy and he really wants you - you have to let him know you're concerned about the lack of physical attention and that for you to proceed with a full and healthy marriage this needs to be addressed. If he refuses, then you got your answer. Just be careful that he doesn't try to appease you to trick you into marriage and/or kids only to eventually come out of the closet on you some day. I mean, let's say he tries to show physical intimacy (i.e. kissing, touching, etc.) then really watch him. If it comes off as "mechanical", "forced", "quick" and it doesn't improve, then he's probably just going through the motions to get you to marry him. No one deserves to be put on a "test drive" for some guy who won't make up his mind about his sexuality - worst if they get you pregnant.
Author ilovemusic3 Posted April 9, 2016 Author Posted April 9, 2016 Well, he's already starting to pull back. I mean, he doesn't talk that much anymore and/or in person... I mean, who is 30 and so inexperienced without having "something" going on with them? Regardless of the reasons he "claims" he's holding back on the physical (religion, experience, wanting to get to know you), simple kissing, hugging, touching is something even some religious guys will do while dating. You can pry all you want, he's not gonna tell you. I mean think about it. If he's gay and/or was molested - he's definitely not gonna tell some person he's dating...Experienced and professional counselors even have trouble with combative patients who won't open up about what's really going on with them. My fav podcaster had a call...the woman was married for a couple of years, they had two kids and for like a year or two he stopped having sex with her. He "claims" its cuz they fight a lot. She tried marital counseling for a few months and they talked about everything - but the sex. I also know a woman, who after 12 years of marriage and two kids - her husband "came out of the closet" and went into a sex change. He said he was tired of denying who he really was. So, its up to you - these are red flags. Even "if" he overcomes this issue with physical intimacy long enough to get you into marriage and/or having kids - the issues that are really behind his lack of desire to have intimacy with women is gonna come back up...you can suppress somethings for only so long. Now, there are some positives. One lady married a virgin...but while engaged, she told him that she wouldn't go forward with the marriage until they had sex. Well, she put him on a "test drive" and she felt he was ok and went through with the marriage. Now he wants sex more than she does So, if you want this guy and he really wants you - you have to let him know you're concerned about the lack of physical attention and that for you to proceed with a full and healthy marriage this needs to be addressed. If he refuses, then you got your answer. Just be careful that he doesn't try to appease you to trick you into marriage and/or kids only to eventually come out of the closet on you some day. I mean, let's say he tries to show physical intimacy (i.e. kissing, touching, etc.) then really watch him. If it comes off as "mechanical", "forced", "quick" and it doesn't improve, then he's probably just going through the motions to get you to marry him. No one deserves to be put on a "test drive" for some guy who won't make up his mind about his sexuality - worst if they get you pregnant. These are all good points. I guess if we do ever kiss etc. I should watch how into it he is. I am concerned. So I guess I need to just ask him what's going on somehow. I need to see how he responds. What should I say? Thanks so much for your help
sunshine2 Posted April 9, 2016 Posted April 9, 2016 (edited) There is another post about this exact issue. So I guess I will just add a reply here too. My XBF was the same way, the only difference was he was a happy non stop talker. We talked for hours about all kinds of stuff and rarely had a quiet time when we were together. He was a nice guy, always paid for everything, was friendly and kept asking me out. When we started dating he would not touch me. By the 5th date I asked him what he was looking for because I felt as though he just wanted a friend and I was looking for a relationship. He told me he was looking for a relationship after getting to know someone. So then I asked him if he liked affection, and he said he liked to hug and kiss. I said I just was wondering cause you haven't tried to touch me at all. At the end of that date, he kissed me so I was really happy. BUT... He never changed. He was a very unaffectionate person. He would kiss and hug me hello and goodbye and that was about it. We would watch movies and he would sometimes put his hand on my leg, but that was rare. Most the time he would sit in his chair and I would be on the couch. No cuddling ever and sex was awful, very disconnected. He maybe held my hand 5 times in a year, and it would not be for long. I kept thinking things would change but they never did. He was just not someone I could feel close to because he kept me at a distance emotionally and physically. I would ask him if he was attracted to me and he would say yes, but it didn't feel like it most the time. I was miserable!! I never dated someone like him and never want to ever again. Please ask him what is up. Ask him why he hasn't been affectionate with you. Just do it. Its not worth sitting around worrying about it day after day for a year like I did. it was a big mistake for me to hang on that long. Don't stay because you think you have a hard time getting guys to like you. Work on your self esteem and then you will find someone who is more compatible and loving. Edited April 9, 2016 by sunshine2 4
Author ilovemusic3 Posted April 9, 2016 Author Posted April 9, 2016 There is another post about this exact issue. So I guess I will just add a reply here too. My XBF was the same way, the only difference was he was a happy non stop talker. We talked for hours about all kinds of stuff and rarely had a quiet time when we were together. He was a nice guy, always paid for everything, was friendly and kept asking me out. When we started dating he would not touch me. By the 5th date I asked him what he was looking for because I felt as though he just wanted a friend and I was looking for a relationship. He told me he was looking for a relationship after getting to know someone. So then I asked him if he liked affection, and he said he liked to hug and kiss. I said I just was wondering cause you haven't tried to touch me at all. At the end of that date, he kissed me so I was really happy. BUT... He never changed. He was a very unaffectionate person. He would kiss and hug me hello and goodbye and that was about it. We would watch movies and he would sometimes put his hand on my leg, but that was rare. Most the time he would sit in his chair and I would be on the couch. No cuddling ever and sex was awful, very disconnected. He maybe held my hand 5 times in a year, and it would not be for long. I kept thinking things would change but they never did. He was just not someone I could feel close to because he kept me at a distance emotionally and physically. I would ask him if he was attracted to me and he would say yes, but it didn't feel like it most the time. I was miserable!! I never dated someone like him and never want to ever again. Please ask him what is up. Ask him why he hasn't been affectionate with you. Just do it. Its not worth sitting around worrying about it day after day for a year like I did. it was a big mistake for me to hang on that long. Don't stay because you think you have a hard time getting guys to like you. Work on your self esteem and then you will find someone who is more compatible and loving. Thanks for your reply. I will try to bring it up if the timing feels right. He just acts like physical stuff is not even a consideration. I know he has never kissed anyone before me or had a relationship, but he still should know what to do. He should want to kiss me etc. I shouldn't have to ask what's going on. I mean if he has a social anxiety, phobia etc. He should communicate that to me. This guy also pays for everything, treats me so good, goes wherever I want, calls me everyday. However when we're in person he rarely talks. He'll answer any questions I ask him fine, but he just doesn't really ask me anything. He talks so much on the phone though. We just go out and pretty much eat quietly. How did you dump your ex? Did you tell him it was because he wasn't affectionate enough? I don't want to force this guy into anything or make him think if he doesn't kiss me I'll leave. He should want to be affectionate towards me on his own. I just never can get guys to like me. I only have the dating websites and they are a joke. Most guys don't like me, I just thought I finally found someone.
stillafool Posted April 9, 2016 Posted April 9, 2016 I've been dating this guy for about a month, Im 26 and and he's 30. He said on one of our first dates that he wants to get married and have kids in the next few years but I'm not sure I want to marry him. I don't want to lead him on, we are exclusive, so neither one of us are getting the chance to meet anyone else. I don't want to end things because I do like him and it is really hard to get guys to like me, I dont think I can find anyone else who seems as normal as him, but sometimes im sure that i dont want to marry him at all and im not sure that I even want to be exclusive right now. What should I do about this? Has he asked you to marry him?
katiegrl Posted April 9, 2016 Posted April 9, 2016 Oh sweetie, I think he likes you, obviously he likes you! He just has issues, sounds like severe social anxiety ... that was there long before you came along. I hope you can gather the courage to talk to him. I am sure he has been wanting to talk too, but doesn't know how to bring it up either! Once you do talk about it and get it out in the open, you will both feel better and can grow closer. Start with baby steps, a kiss, some cuddling, and gradually work up to more. It will take lots of patience and understanding on your part, but it sounds like you really like and care about him so hopefully it will all be worth it! Good luck hun and please keep us posted!
SwordofFlame Posted April 9, 2016 Posted April 9, 2016 Perhaps he's afraid you'll leave him if he tells you what his "issues" are. Ironically, you may end up leaving him regardless.
sunshine2 Posted April 10, 2016 Posted April 10, 2016 Thanks for your reply. I will try to bring it up if the timing feels right. He just acts like physical stuff is not even a consideration. I know he has never kissed anyone before me or had a relationship, but he still should know what to do. He should want to kiss me etc. I shouldn't have to ask what's going on. I mean if he has a social anxiety, phobia etc. He should communicate that to me. This guy also pays for everything, treats me so good, goes wherever I want, calls me everyday. However when we're in person he rarely talks. He'll answer any questions I ask him fine, but he just doesn't really ask me anything. He talks so much on the phone though. We just go out and pretty much eat quietly. How did you dump your ex? Did you tell him it was because he wasn't affectionate enough? I don't want to force this guy into anything or make him think if he doesn't kiss me I'll leave. He should want to be affectionate towards me on his own. I just never can get guys to like me. I only have the dating websites and they are a joke. Most guys don't like me, I just thought I finally found someone. We talked every day he was very consistent with contact, which made me think he must like me. Then we would see each other maybe 2 times a week. But, my relationship is a bit different because it lasted for 1 year. I was waiting and hoping that it would change. That was NOT smart and I am mad at myself for thinking it would change. It all came to a head at the 1 year mark and I just couldn't hold it in any longer as it was bothering me for MONTHS. I told him I felt that he was cold, unaffectionate and kept me at arms length and it seemed that he really didn't care for me because he hardly touched me. I also had been really involved with his family, but he wasn't with mine, so I told him about how that felt. He really didn't say much back to me and was just cold about it all so I had my answer. I told him I was done. I haven't heard from him since and so that pretty much seals the deal. Even though I broke up with him, it was still sad and it was weird not hearing from him every day. My phone is quiet, but Im getting over it and I do know I deserve much better.
joseb Posted April 10, 2016 Posted April 10, 2016 Well I do like him, he is nice and I do have fun with him. The lack of physical stuff is mainly our only issue. He also doesn't talk much in person either lately. We don't really talk when we're out to eat. Is this normal? I just can't believe I was at his apartment for 4 hours and he didn't touch me. What is wrong with him? I already told him he could kiss me, I have to keep saying it? Is this normal? Do you really need to ask? Pay attention to sunshine2's story. This guy sounds similar. You keep making excuses for not communicating yourself. There will never be a good time. You need to start talking to him about this and not saying he should do this and he should do that. You should talk to him. So do that. What you have now is an awkward friendship. It's very far from a normal relationship. To be honest, I can't see this ending well though. But at least you might have practised some communication.
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