mfs976 Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 So here I am again 5 years after my original post about my last breakup in 2011 when I was the one that got dumped. I have to say the tables have turned this time around in that I am the one that called it off so I can relate to what my now ex gf is dealing with since I was in her shoes before. It was the hardest thing I ever had to endure and it took me years to get over it fully so doing this to someone makes me feel like a total monster. I've been with, lets call her "Jessica" for 3.5 years. She left her boyfriend at the time to be with me and from what I understand with bf's before that (some of which were emotionally and physically abusive to her), she didn't really have any "single" time in-between relationships to really reflect and work on herself. I'm 32 and she's 29. This is my 3rd LTR so I'm definitely not new to breakups, however this time it was different. I called off my first LTR many years ago in my early 20s but it was easy to deal with because she cheated. This time the guilt is eating me alive even though i THINK it was the right decision and here's why; Firstly this girl has a lot of amazing qualities, she's absolutely gorgeous, extremely caring, always greeted me with a smile when I got home from work every day - she'd be waiting at the door for me to say hi and ask about my day. She's hospitable, took care of me sometimes (cooking cleaning etc) and looked up to me. I became her life and she identified herself with me in such a way that she simply couldn't imagine a life without me (and still can't). On the other hand she can be extremely controlling, manipulative, and tries to micromanage everything. Constant nagging at me to do things when I'm busy with other stuff. She is the polar opposite of passive aggressive like my gf before her. Very confrontational and argumentative not just with me but with anyone when things aren't going HER way. For instance she looked at my fb search history about a year ago and saw I was looking at some fitness pages that had women on them and went bats**t crazy. When we went to the store or any other public place she would point out a girl before I even noticed her and told me "you better not be looking at her". Very insecure and lots of trust issues. It got real exhausting at times. She also can't seem to hold down a job. Since I've known her she has been in retail, nightlife/bar-tending, and server/food industry. She was always broke and hopping around job to job (probably 7 or 8 different places since we've been together). She would always complain how broke she was or how someone at her job dislikes her because she's prettier and considered a threat. This started screwing with my finances a little bit here and there and it got old real fast especially since we've been cohabitating since 2014. For the past year things were better for her from a money standpoint because she decided to become a web cam model which I absolutely was not on board with at all. I merely let her do it because she was broke and thought it would only be for a little while but alas she is still doing it. She is in school now so she likes it because she gets to work from home and go to school part-time but I can't stand it at all. I told her to look for other part-time work, she looked for like a week and gave up because nothing will pay the same as being a cam girl. We've had several "almost" breakups which were pretty bad but this time I actually left. I'm living with my buddy for now and plan to go NC after I get some utilities put in her name. For some reason I feel absolutely horrible for leaving her though - we love eachother but we both are like oil and water, we want different things and I can't see myself marrying her (or anyone) for that matter. The problem is she is all by herself in an almost empty house full of good (and bad) memories. She has no family here and not that many friends to have as a support system. When I saw her last the look in her eyes was of complete hopelessness and despair and I'll never forget it. I'm her world and I abandoned her. I feel gutted and I worry about how she will cope once we go NC. She wants me to come back so we can work it out but I don't think love is the saving grace between two people if other elements just aren't lining up. Some say love should be enough to get through anything but I just don't think that's true anymore. Need some reassuring and encouraging words that I did the right thing here. Thanks
swang Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 Good for you for being clear with your feelings. I think you did the right thing, and it's only going to benefit the both of you. However, have you explained to her your reasonings for breaking up with her? If not, I think she deserves to know. That way, at least she has a chance to improve herself. Some of the things you mentioned were not subjective, just unacceptable in most healthy relationship.
Author mfs976 Posted April 5, 2016 Author Posted April 5, 2016 Good for you for being clear with your feelings. I think you did the right thing, and it's only going to benefit the both of you. However, have you explained to her your reasonings for breaking up with her? If not, I think she deserves to know. That way, at least she has a chance to improve herself. Some of the things you mentioned were not subjective, just unacceptable in most healthy relationship. Yes, she definitely knows and hopefully will take some time to improve herself and her situation for the next person.
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