Big_Mike Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 Brief exposition: I am 19 years old, attending a University. I started dating my girlfriend in high school, and have been with her for upwards of 2 years now. I go to school about 3 hours away, while she is working in our home town, planning on attending a school near mine in fall 2016. We've been long distance-ing for roughly 8 months, but I will be home for the summer in just one month. After that, we will be going to school in the same city. For the past few months, I've been feeling somewhat dissatisfied with our relationship. She seems to be getting increasingly clingy, extremely jealous, and frequently upset at me for reasons that don't always pan out. A few examples: 1. She was upset when I went to Comic Con with my friends (yes I'm a nerd, don't judge:cool:) on a day she "assumed" we would hang out. 2. She gets upset when I insist on doing traditionally "manly" things in the relationship, such as driving her and paying for most dates. 3. She frequently criticizes me for 'irresponsibility" (eg. staying up late, MILD use of drugs and alcohol, but nothing crazy for my age) 4. She is extremely uncomfortable with me being around other women (she got upset when I said I had a crush on my 20 year old babysitter at age 8) 5. Random things I say can trigger a pouting session, in which I inevitably end up apologizing. As I write out my list of grievances, I'm starting to realize they could be far worse. I also realize #2 and #3 make me look like an ass. Even so, I am feeling somewhat suffocated. I feel like she is becoming increasingly controlling, and is engaging in a sort of "power-struggle". At times, I find her incredibly annoying. But wait, there's more. Lately, I have an increased desire to be with other people(physically and romantically)-particularly people who I have more in common with(people who like the same kind of music, gaming, literature, etc.). My girlfriend and I get along well enough, but we are very different people. When I come home, I tend to look forward to seeing my friends, rather than her. These feelings come about most commonly when I am not with her. When we're together, the uncertainty tends to get drowned out by our excessive cuteness. We hug, kiss, cuddle and have sex; and its great. I honestly enjoy the warmth and tenderness, and I hate the thought of giving that up. But when I'm away, I wonder if this is covering up our underlying incompatibility. Despite all of this, she is someone who I have loved deeply for a relatively long time. I have no doubt that ending our relationship would be horribly painful for us both. I cannot decide if I still love her, I suppose. I am looking for thoughts on how to proceed. Should I act sooner, rather than later(despite my crippling fear of being alone)? Should I wait and see what the summer/next semester brings(when I'll have far more time to spend with her)? Any advice would be appreciated.
PrettyEmily77 Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 I cannot decide if I still love her, I suppose. I am looking for thoughts on how to proceed. Should I act sooner, rather than later(despite my crippling fear of being alone)? Should I wait and see what the summer/next semester brings(when I'll have far more time to spend with her)? Any advice would be appreciated. If you cannot decide if you love her or not, you most probably don't. Break it to her gently as soon as possible - there's never really a right time for that type of stuff anyway. There's also no real need to lie about anything. You've grown apart, it's not working for you, time for you both to move on. Don't offer friendship or tell her you still have some feelings for her if you can avoid it - that sends mixed messages. It will be a little painful, but not as painful as dragging it on for no particular reason and you ending up resenting her for it, though no fault of her own.
Author Big_Mike Posted April 5, 2016 Author Posted April 5, 2016 Thank you for the quick reply. I would like to speak a little more on "love". I have no idea what love is. Not this kind of love. I've only dated two women before her, and know I didn't love them. But with her, I'm not so sure... I care about her deeply. More than I care about most other people. If that's love, than I have it. However, I just don't feel that intense, heart-throbbing sensation I did earlier in the relationship. I'm wondering if spending the summer together can bring that back.
Gloria25 Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 You're young, you'll meet someone else...actually a whole more else. Don't put all your eggs on the first piece of a $$$@@@ you get, just trust me on this one
blackcat777 Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 It's normal to have the "honeymoon" phase in the beginning of a relationship, which eventually fizzles out. When those first sparks fade, what's left is the connection you built through shared experiences... or you realize that there isn't as much of a connection there as you first thought. I agree with the above post about not dragging things on... it sounds like you are starting to question and disengage. If you're not absolutely crazy about her, the kindest thing to do is to set her free so she may find someone who is. And you can find someone who lights that fire for you...
oldshirt Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 very very few high school romances survive the first year of college and it is probably best that they don't. People change so much during that time of their lives that you really are two different people than you were in high school. Both of you are basically under construction as human beings and you are becoming a young adult and you are learning and experiencing new things, learning about yourself and becoming someone very different. Breaking up always produces some sadness, anxiety, fear and some tears. But it also opens up new doors, freedom, new opportunities and the ability to try different things, meet new people and explore different options. You are both already well under way of disconnecting and becoming frustrated, disappointed and irritated at each other. This downward spiral will continue. If left untreated, it will result in true resentment, bitterness, hurt feelings, anger, contempt and even lingering bad blood. If you end it compassionately and respectfully now, there will be tears and sadness for awhile..... but there likely won't be true contempt and lasting bitterness. If you allow things to continue, things may get to the point you two really do harbor harsh feelings and lasting bitterness towards each other. If you try to gut this out while you are having these feelings, eventually one or the other of you will cheat on the other and there really will be bad blood and lingering resentments. Just end it cleanly and compassionately now and you can avoid that lasting type of resentment. There may be some tears for a little while now but it won't be lasting and toxic. If allowed to continue, lord only knows how bad things could get or how bad things will be after the #$@( hits the fan. 3
whichwayisup Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 End it before you feel resentment towards her. It's obvious you care about her but it seems your relationship isn't going growing in fact she's more insecure and mistrustful of you and too jealous. When you end it, do it gently and kindly. Allow her to ask questions it'll help her with closure. I wouldn't just cut bait and run that will hurt her more and definitely don't say let's be friends. You can't, not for a long time until you both are over each other.
whichwayisup Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 Thank you for the quick reply. I would like to speak a little more on "love". I have no idea what love is. Not this kind of love. I've only dated two women before her, and know I didn't love them. But with her, I'm not so sure... I care about her deeply. More than I care about most other people. If that's love, than I have it. However, I just don't feel that intense, heart-throbbing sensation I did earlier in the relationship. I'm wondering if spending the summer together can bring that back. People grow apart, it happens. The feelings got less intense and now you're not emotionally attached to her as you once were. You'd rather spend time with your friends or doing your own thing than hanging out with her, or you'd rather be on your own. Question is, do you want to make the effort to reconnect with her? Things certainly will have talked about and to be sorted out, her insecurities, jealously issues, and having boundaries (meaning she can't get all pissy because you spend time with your buddies or smoke up, drink once in a while) with one another. Your free time isn't always about her. Really think about if she can make you feel happy, and if you two have enough in common to make a longer lasting relationship. 1
PrettyEmily77 Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 Thank you for the quick reply. I would like to speak a little more on "love". I have no idea what love is. Not this kind of love. I've only dated two women before her, and know I didn't love them. But with her, I'm not so sure... I care about her deeply. More than I care about most other people. If that's love, than I have it. However, I just don't feel that intense, heart-throbbing sensation I did earlier in the relationship. I'm wondering if spending the summer together can bring that back. Feelings fluctuate in a relationship - you can't sustain the intense butterfly sensation all the time - when that passes, either a deeper kind of love sets in and you feel like you would do anything for your partner or, in the best best case scenario, the excitement turns into friendship. If she feels insecure, she may have sensed you are starting to pull away - insecurity is, more often than not, a reaction triggered by the sense that you are losing control over the situation. If you think this may survive, have an honest talk with her about how you think the relationship is going and see how she reacts. I'd really only do that if you genuinely want to try and sort it out / move to the next level of your relationship, not because you don't know what to do with your summer.
Photofinish Posted April 15, 2016 Posted April 15, 2016 Poor girl. She doesnt sound like a bad person, you just dont love her. Let her go so she can start spending time looking for someone to take her seriously. It's only going to be harder the longer you wait. Goodluck
Liam1 Posted April 15, 2016 Posted April 15, 2016 Mike: You are only 19. It sounds as if you, like most 19 year olds, are not ready for a serious relationship in which exclusivity is promised. It also seems as if you already know that you do not have much in common other than sex with this woman. At your age it's normal to not prefer a serious relationship. The question you should ask yourself is if you ask for a non-exclusive dating relationship and she breaks off with you or meets someone else she dates exclusively while both of you are dating other people, will you be okay with losing her. Brief exposition: I am 19 years old, attending a University. I started dating my girlfriend in high school, and have been with her for upwards of 2 years now. I go to school about 3 hours away, while she is working in our home town, planning on attending a school near mine in fall 2016. We've been long distance-ing for roughly 8 months, but I will be home for the summer in just one month. After that, we will be going to school in the same city. For the past few months, I've been feeling somewhat dissatisfied with our relationship. She seems to be getting increasingly clingy, extremely jealous, and frequently upset at me for reasons that don't always pan out. A few examples: 1. She was upset when I went to Comic Con with my friends (yes I'm a nerd, don't judge:cool:) on a day she "assumed" we would hang out. 2. She gets upset when I insist on doing traditionally "manly" things in the relationship, such as driving her and paying for most dates. 3. She frequently criticizes me for 'irresponsibility" (eg. staying up late, MILD use of drugs and alcohol, but nothing crazy for my age) 4. She is extremely uncomfortable with me being around other women (she got upset when I said I had a crush on my 20 year old babysitter at age 8) 5. Random things I say can trigger a pouting session, in which I inevitably end up apologizing. As I write out my list of grievances, I'm starting to realize they could be far worse. I also realize #2 and #3 make me look like an ass. Even so, I am feeling somewhat suffocated. I feel like she is becoming increasingly controlling, and is engaging in a sort of "power-struggle". At times, I find her incredibly annoying. But wait, there's more. Lately, I have an increased desire to be with other people(physically and romantically)-particularly people who I have more in common with(people who like the same kind of music, gaming, literature, etc.). My girlfriend and I get along well enough, but we are very different people. When I come home, I tend to look forward to seeing my friends, rather than her. These feelings come about most commonly when I am not with her. When we're together, the uncertainty tends to get drowned out by our excessive cuteness. We hug, kiss, cuddle and have sex; and its great. I honestly enjoy the warmth and tenderness, and I hate the thought of giving that up. But when I'm away, I wonder if this is covering up our underlying incompatibility. Despite all of this, she is someone who I have loved deeply for a relatively long time. I have no doubt that ending our relationship would be horribly painful for us both. I cannot decide if I still love her, I suppose. I am looking for thoughts on how to proceed. Should I act sooner, rather than later(despite my crippling fear of being alone)? Should I wait and see what the summer/next semester brings(when I'll have far more time to spend with her)? Any advice would be appreciated.
dichotomy Posted April 15, 2016 Posted April 15, 2016 You're young, you'll meet someone else...actually a whole more else. Don't put all your eggs on the first piece of a $$$@@@ you get, just trust me on this one I thought the same with my first major GF in college - I was wrong. I did love her - and no one ever loved me more then her. More or less - we were each others first. She was also kind of clingy - but unlike OP's GF she had nothing but praise for me. She met a guy right after me and they have been married over 25 years now. Sometimes there is not better out there. Sigh.... Anyway - OP sounds like there are some real issues here. I suspect you being away at college and leaving her back in the home town has made her a bit insecure and worried. Only you can decide if you think there is someone better our there for you, but the items you mention about her criticism (letting you be da man) bother me more than her issues with your being away without her or being near girls. 1
preraph Posted April 15, 2016 Posted April 15, 2016 You're at an age when it's normal not to want to settle down and just to want to explore. That said, since you are a self-confessed ComiCon type nerd, before you throw away a loyal girlfriend, you might first want to poll other nerds and see how much luck they're having in the dating world finding a girl with things in common with them. Because just on this board, I've heard nothing but endless woe on that subject. But probably there are some successful ones who are simply invisible because they're not bemoaning their woman-less lives.
bathtub-row Posted April 15, 2016 Posted April 15, 2016 Most high school romances fizzle out because people change too much in a very short period of time. You are at a very special phase in your life. College is usually the time that a person makes friendships that last a lifetime, and they often meet the person they end up marrying. It's also a time for you to spread your wings and enjoy your freedom. Your gf senses this and that's why she's clinging to you. This relationship isn't going to last, nor should it. I know it's hard but either you're going to end it, or you're going to piss her off so much that she'll break up with you. The latter is the method that most men use in order to get out of a relationship. Instead of being passive about it, let her know that your life is changing very quickly and you need to be on your own now.
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