There Is No Right Way

[Leigh 87]

I just want to preface this with: there is no right way to approach chemistry and its role in giving a second date. I do things my way and in no way think it is the best way that will yield the most prosperous results for EVERYONE.

 

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I am curious. How many of you here were able to be totally crazy about someone who you felt lukewarm about initially?

 

What made you give them another shot? Nothing better to do? Or do you value other priorities a lot higher and the immediate chemistry (or much chemistry at all) is not a priority?

 

I know many posters on here have told stories of not feeling the fireworks and then becoming seriously addicted to a person. Personally, I have never felt it. Plus I hear a lot that men either feel it immediately or they never come to feel smitten or enamoured or head over heels.

 

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Please discuss.

Edited April 4, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed unnecessary commentary about other posters ~6

[thecrucible]

I am curious. How many of you here were able to be totally crazy about someone who you felt lukewarm about initially?

 

I have been in a relationship with someone whom I didn't feel strongly about initially and to be honest, I did develop an emotional bond with him but it always felt like there was something missing. I'm not sure if this was lack of chemistry or just reflected my priorities at the time as I was younger and maybe wasn't emotionally ready for something more serious. I also think it takes time to realise whether your personality differences can work long term. It takes time for that to come out.

 

What made you give them another shot? Nothing better to do? Or do you value other priorities a lot higher and the immediate chemistry (or much chemistry at all) is not a priority?

 

With my ex I refer to, I wasn't conscious of giving him another shot as I didn't really reject him. I just wanted to give him a chance because from what I knew about his personality, he seemed like a good match for me. I have had the hots for some guys but the initial looks-based chemistry has dissipated into nothing so I definitely think it's more than looks. For me chemistry is the ability to develop a deep emotional bond partly based on mutual attraction but also on sharing perspectives about the world and just feeling that you really relate to that person. I am an introvert so for me that emotional component is more important to me than what the guy looks like. I still want to like something about his looks but he doesn't have to be amazingly good looking - an average-ish look with a body type I find appealing is enough for me. (I'm only average myself)

 

I know many posters on here have told stories of not feeling the fireworks and then becoming seriously addicted to a person. Personally, I have never felt it.

 

I think it's easy to overthink this and the world is not black and white. Most is shades of grey in-between and I'm quite happy with that. I like a bit of balance because that's real life and sometimes intense ups and downs and strong emotions in relationships can really wear you down. I can certainly appreciate a good man a lot more than I used to when I experienced a lot of drama. I don't have to feel extremely intensely for the guy n the beginning but what I want is to feel some sense of longing for him when he's not there and some sense of excitement before I see him, then when I do see him I want to be lost in the moment and neither of us will be bored or trying to find things to say. Whether that means strong chemistry or not I don't want to analyse it. I just know what it feels like when it's 'right'.

 

Plus I hear a lot that men either feel it immediately or they never come to feel smitten or enamoured or head over heels.

 

I think it depends on the man because you get men who are die-hard romantics and they have an idealistic image of the type of woman they want to date. That means if you have a minor flaw then you're out of the picture (i.e. guy who dumped me because I'm not into the same sports he is). Then there are other guys who are more into the big picture or they are more pragmatic and weigh things up to get the best they can rather than chasing unicorns. I think that more pragmatic type of guy can still love you as much if not more than the first type of guy. Maybe this isn't gender specific?

 

I don't think the majority of men are greatly analytical about their motivations so sometimes it's up to us women to have our wits about us and realise when the guy isn't invested, so we can cut it off before we get really hurt.

[ChickiePops]

I felt zero attraction to my ex fiancé for our first three dates. He was a really sweet guy and I could tell I made him nervous so I felt bad rejecting him. Then on the fourth date he lost the nerves and helped me look for a new apartment. He held my hand the entire day, and he ended up having this masculine, take charge attitude that I loved. A few weeks later we exchanged I love you's and I was hooked.

 

The split had nothing to do with chemistry..we still love each other and are attracted to each other to this day.

[CarrieT]

I am curious. How many of you here were able to be totally crazy about someone who you felt lukewarm about initially?

 

What made you give them another shot? Nothing better to do? Or do you value other priorities a lot higher and the immediate chemistry (or much chemistry at all) is not a priority?

You know I was only lukewarm on the first date of the guy I eventually married and it had nothing to do with not having anything "better to do" as I had tons of guys I was dating at the time.

 

It was because I knew that "chemistry" is illusive and when/if it exists, rarely lasts through the honeymoon stage and is never a good basis for a life-long relationship.

[Leigh 87]

You know I was only lukewarm on the first date of the guy I eventually married and it had nothing to do with not having anything "better to do" as I had tons of guys I was dating at the time.

 

It was because I knew that "chemistry" is illusive and when/if it exists, rarely lasts through the honeymoon stage and is never a good basis for a life-long relationship.

 

You were at the stage in life where you wanted a quality relationship. Even if it wasn't fireworks and you didn't get that " feeling, that feelijg of exhilarating when you kissed him.

 

I am not at that same life stage. I am 30, I don't need biological kids or even kids at all, and feel no rush to settle down with the one man for life

 

So I guess I am not ready to overlook the magic and the magnetism that feels so good that sometimes occurs between two people..

 

The times I have gone purely for absolutely 10/10 compatibility and only 6 or 7/10 chemistry, I quite simply wasn't happy in those relationships. I was happier alone.

[Rejected Rosebud]

I am not at that same life stage. I am 30, I don't need biological kids or even kids at all, and feel no rush to settle down with the one man for life

 

So I guess I am not ready to overlook the magic and the magnetism that feels so good that sometimes occurs between two people..

 

So you're single and looking again? What happened with the latest guy you had earth shattering chemistry with?

[RecentChange]

I have triiiiiiied to make the "Lukewarm" thing work without success. A couple of times.

 

One guy in particular, he made a great friend, we had a lot in common, same outlook on life - I admired him, he really had his ***** together, had embarked on an impressive career - he was kind, honest, I could envision a wonderful life with him. He was smart, good-looking, and funny, what more could I want!?

 

But - that "spark" chemistry, whatever you want to call that mystery was missing. Sex was "okay" but not earth shattering despite our efforts.

 

I cared about him, but wasn't consumed by thoughts of him (as I had been when that spark was there).

 

It wasn't coming naturally. I was trying to convince myself to make it something. Eventually it became way too easy to walk away.

 

If I wanted kids, and the white picket fence, maybe I would have, could have stayed...

 

But instead Mr "not perfect on paper" caught my eye, the fireworks were unstoppable - and a night of passion, and undeniable chemistry lead me down a different path (and that chemistry / passion based relationship is still alive and kicking almost 15 years later).

Edited April 5, 2016 by RecentChange

[Gloria25]

My first sign of no chemistry is me not ordering a 2nd drink and/or wanting to stay around to finish the first one.

 

I don't do 2nd dates if I'm not feeling it.

 

And trust me, I try to find reasons for giving them another date, but can't find any.

 

Now my FWB, I got cold feet about our first date but was so glad I pushed myself to go. Instant chemistry...I didn't want the nite to end. We literally stayed till closing of the restaurant

Edited April 5, 2016 by Gloria25

[Leigh 87]

So you're single and looking again? What happened with the latest guy you had earth shattering chemistry with?

 

We are going well. Living together and planning a future. He's the best.

 

Despite the earth shattering chemistry , lol, we actually have very high compatability. Higher than any of our prior partners.

 

I was speaking of the times where I was single and describing how I was regarding my dating life at those times.

[Leigh 87]

I have triiiiiiied to make the "Lukewarm" thing work without success. A couple of times.

 

One guy in particular, he made a great friend, we had a lot in common, same outlook on life - I admired him, he really had his ***** together, had embarked on an impressive career - he was kind, honest, I could envision a wonderful life with him. He was smart, good-looking, and funny, what more could I want!?

 

But - that "spark" chemistry, whatever you want to call that mystery was missing. Sex was "okay" but not earth shattering despite our efforts.

 

I cared about him, but wasn't consumed by thoughts of him (as I had been when that spark was there).

 

It wasn't coming naturally. I was trying to convince myself to make it something. Eventually it became way too easy to walk away.

 

If I wanted kids, and the white picket fence, maybe I would have, could have stayed...

 

But instead Mr "not perfect on paper" caught my eye, the fireworks were unstoppable - and a night of passion, and undeniable chemistry lead me down a different path (and that chemistry / passion based relationship is still alive and kicking almost 15 years later).

 

 

 

I love these stories

 

My parents were the same.

 

My friend and her boyfriend were the same.

 

My bf is alss Mr not perfect on paper. I am miss not perfect on paper. But we still found each other irresistible when compared to mr and miss perfect on paper:lmao:

 

I am not dissing Carrie Ts way cos it worked so well for her. But it baffles me that women like her seem to allude to her way being the best way for everyone.

 

And also chemistry doesn't always fade. Sometimes there is a natural magnetism that is generated through just the right amount of friction for it to still work. As we all know, the mlst passion and intense relationships usually originate through drama and friction and unavailable and catching someone elusive. Well on some cases, the drama associated with the greatest passion is tame enough to live very happily together.

 

For us, we can get grumpy and very temperamental yet we make it work. We were also draen to strongly towards one another because we are both equally fcked up but in a way that really compliments one another so that we are at a perfectly matched level to grow--- we wouldn't work with a person that had all their sht together and was devoid of mental health problems yet we are both highly functional and couldn't be with a nut case either.

 

It just works despite the premise of the hottest chemistry being built on drama and instability. Sure we argue at times but nothing awful and we are blissful most of the time.

[RecentChange]

Hum.... For me, "chemistry" and passion have nothing to do with conflict and drama.

 

We have gotten along swimmingly from the start, drama is not a word that could ever be used to describe our relationship. We have been through some self inflicted *****, but working it out was much less eventful than I thought it would be - when it comes down to it we are both "easy going".

 

But our relationship started in a way many on LS warn against. Fast and furious - second date ended at 9 am after a night of passion (oh yes, we were / are very compatable), immediately started seeing each other several times a week, professions of love less than 8 weeks in, and living together at 6 months.

 

We did have that "elusive " thing going at the begging - both of us weren't really "available" for various reasons. Eventually we both confessed that we thought the other was "out of our league"

[Leigh 87]

Hum.... For me, "chemistry" and passion have nothing to do with conflict and drama.

 

We have gotten along swimmingly from the start, drama is not a word that could ever be used to describe our relationship. We have been through some self inflicted *****, but working it out was much less eventful than I thought it would be - when it comes down to it we are both "easy going".

 

But our relationship started in a way many on LS warn against. Fast and furious - second date ended at 9 am after a night of passion (oh yes, we were / are very compatable), immediately started seeing each other several times a week, professions of love less than 8 weeks in, and living together at 6 months.

 

We did have that "elusive " thing going at the begging - both of us weren't really "available" for various reasons. Eventually we both confessed that we thought the other was "out of our league"

 

 

 

 

 

We also had this fairy-tale beginning that everyone on here warns us about, lol!

 

 

We both suffer from mental health problems and we had a financial hardship when he changed jobs early in.. We basically had to face awful things that most couples don't deal with together for at least a year.

 

 

If it was not for the chemistry and the "feeling" that we can have something amazing and rare if we stuck it out, we would not have lasted.

 

 

Of course we got along well and laugh a lot together and make each other laugh despite not being particularly funny people.

 

 

So we are compatible and we even both had the same vision growing up of meeting the right person. We both felt it would "just happen" organically due to the "chemistry" and "initial feeling".

 

 

It never occurred to us to say, go out of our way to meet someone and give people a chance because just because they were attractive enough to sleep with and were "highly compatible" with us.

[Rejected Rosebud]

We are going well. Living together and planning a future. He's the best.

 

Despite the earth shattering chemistry , lol, we actually have very high compatability. Higher than any of our prior partners.

 

I was speaking of the times where I was single and describing how I was regarding my dating life at those times.

Oh. Because you recently had another thread that went for many pages about serious incompatibilities between you, and you were extremely critical.

[Rejected Rosebud]

 

I am not dissing Carrie Ts way cos it worked so well for her. But it baffles me that women like her seem to allude to her way being the best way for everyone.

It's not "Carrie T's way." It's the concept that there is so much more to a deep relationship to the initial "EARTH SHATTERINGNESS." You haven't experienced it yet. I hope you will some day.

[dichotomy]

The most intense sex and love I have ever received was with a college GF I was initially very "meh" (luke warm) about.

 

She was the roommate of a GF I was very crazy about - and after that did not work she pursued me very hard, I kind of shuffled along with it until I was hit hard.

 

I was also stupid and let her go eventually figuring I could find something just as good or better in other relationships.

 

Since then I was willing to go with "meh" on the first date or two - to see if the chemistry would develop. Sometimes it does !

[Rejected Rosebud]

Unless you are truly desperate, there has to be something compelling for people to keep on dating. It's just not always about ripping your clothes off.

[edgygirl]

Here you go again, OP, you're kind of obsessed with this topic.

 

It's common for us women to think like that until we're early to mid-30s. Be it physical attraction, someone we think is our "type" for whatever reason etc. Then you suddenly see how most of the times initial crazy chemistry leads nowhere that is really deep or significant. I am SO thankful to finally understand that.

 

I read fascinating psychology articles stating that usually the people we're most attracted to (not necessarily physically) are the people who trigger intense psychological issues mostly from our past that we need to work on (relationship with parents or family etc). It mostly doesn't mean these people are right for us.

[GoodOnPaper]

Speaking as one of those guys who girls thought they should date but never felt physical "chemistry" with, I urge you to trust your instincts - don't try to force chemistry with some "relationship guy" just because you think he'll be more honest, reliable, long-term thinking, etc. You're not doing such a guy any favors because if you enter a relationship, he's going to want to experience the same kind of "chemistry" with you as you have with the guys you naturally fall for. When that doesn't happen, you will be bored and start to entertain other options while he's wondering why he is lacking.

[MissBee]

It depends on what you as define chemistry.

 

Chemistry for me isn't magic or fireworks necessarily and it's not about sexual attraction. I know those things can be fool's gold, feels good, looks good, but has no real value. Chemistry for me is more so how I feel about the person in terms of clicking, being able to get along, wanting the date to go on and on, feeling comfortable, at home, and genuinely wanting to know more about them and having it feel fairly easy and good to be in their presence versus feeling blah, counting down the time, pulling teeth in conversation etc. Physical attraction is part of it, but it's less of this feeling of magic and charged sexual energy and more so just getting on with them. Often times there is both, the feeling of comfort and just clicking with them, laughing at the same things, having banter, and also feeling sexually attracted, but it's more of the former.

 

I haven't seriously dated anyone with whom I didn't feel that sense of just clicking and getting on and being able to vibe. But I have had where the sexual attraction wasn't immediately there (but chemistry and being able to get on were) and then that clicking of personalities turned into sexual attraction. Chemistry for me is just about how we click and isn't reserved only for romantic partners, most of my closest friends are also people with whom I just got on with instantly and could talk with, felt at ease with and wanted to hang out with further upon meeting and that then developed into something solid.

[MissBee]

Here you go again, OP, you're kind of obsessed with this topic.

 

It's common for us women to think like that until we're early to mid-30s. Be it physical attraction, someone we think is our "type" for whatever reason etc. Then you suddenly see how most of the times initial crazy chemistry leads nowhere that is really deep or significant. I am SO thankful to finally understand that.

 

I read fascinating psychology articles stating that usually the people we're most attracted to (not necessarily physically) are the people who trigger intense psychological issues mostly from our past that we need to work on (relationship with parents or family etc). It mostly doesn't mean these people are right for us.

 

This is also VERY true and something I've experienced many times to the point that sometimes I get scared when I am REALLY REALLY into a guy and it's that intense magnetism, as usually it's because he triggers some type of issue in me later on and I in him and the intensity is more about trying to rewrite the past with this person rather than it being the magical sign from the heavens that the relationship is blessed by Cupid.