Is she jealous?

[darkbloom]

I have a fairly new situation that has developed between one of my best friends. I would appreciate any advice of what to do about it or if I should just let it go.

 

Backstory: We met 8 years ago at work and became friends. At the time we met she was fairly skinny a size 2/4 and I was a size 10. Her small size was attributed to smoking, partying, and generally not eating. I had no issue with her being skinnier than I was.

 

A couple of years later, I started to gain weight due to poor lifestyle choices. When I hit a size 14, I decided to get in shape. I started working out and eating better. My friend started gaining a little bit of weight at this time. It wasn't major or drastic just barely noticeable. We were about the same size for a year. Our friendship hadn't really changed at all during these weight fluctuations until recently.

 

After my breakup a year ago, I decided I was going to get in even better shape. I just wanted to feel better. (Frequent readers of my posts know I was a hot mess.) In the last year, I have dropped down to a size 2/4. My friend has drastically gained weight. I'm not sure what size she is now but it is well above a 14.

 

The issue: My parents threw me a birthday party and invited all of my friends and our family friends. At the party, my friend mentioned my loss of weight at the dinner table three or four times. Afterwards, everyone brought up her comments and thought they were a bit inappropriate and kind on mean to be said in front of everyone at my party. I didn't think much of it until it was brought to my attention. I have also noticed (I know this sounds petty, hear me out) that she doesn't like any of my posts on social media at all anymore. She used to like most of them and now it's like she's intentionally not doing it. I don't really care about the likes but I do care about the shift in our friendship.

 

What I've done about it: I have NEVER brought up her weight. As someone who struggled with it, having people point things out like that made me feel terrible about myself. A lot of times we meet up it's to eat. I thought that it might not be helping the situation so I always invite her to work out with me. She has never been active in her entire life. I think she's afraid of people judging her. I've offered to take her hiking where there are no people, to come over to the gym in her apartment complex that is rarely used, even just to walk around our neighborhood. She always declines. Recently, she has been canceling our plans or not committing to a time or day. I have gone out of my way to stop by and say hi when she is at work and to text her just to say hello.

 

I know this sounds kind of silly when I type it out, but I want her to know that it is NOT a competition between us. I am not friends with her because she is skinny or fat and that I love her at any size. She hasn't come right out and said that this is the problem but this is where I feel the issues lie. Am I just being petty? Is she jealous? Should I just ignore it? How should I proceed? Thank you in advance.

[whichwayisup]

Be kindly direct and ask her what is going on and why she is acting so distant. Tell her that you miss the friendship and hope whatever it is she's going through gets better and if she needs an ear, you're there for her.

 

It is possible that she feels down and seeing you thriving has bothered her, making her feel bad about herself. She's not envious in a good way, she's green envy which is negative and possibly malicious.

[SpiralOut]

It is possible that she's jealous. If I were you I would wait until she starts to make her strange comments again. Then, call her out on them. Ask her, "why do you say that?" or "what do you mean by that?" If it comes totally out of nowhere you could say "wow that was random, where did that come from?" If she mentions your weight multiple times in one night, like at the party, you could say "I see that my weight really interests you a lot. You keep mentioning it!" It will put her on the defensive, and her reaction should give you an idea of what she's thinking.

[preraph]

I think she was probably insulted at you trying to get her to exercise. I was insulted once at work. I had come in at a good weight but started gaining some. Not long after, I got a card from a gym addressed to me at work. Now, I didn't receive any personal mail at work, so someone did that, and it did really make me mad. People know if they have gained weight and they will do something about it if and when they feel like it. There's nothing to be gained by coaxing them. If they want a walking partner or gym partner, they can ask you.

[Miss Clavel]

you've been friends for a very long time. that said, you're going to have to ask her.

 

they don't call it a "heart to heart" for nothing.

 

ask her about the social media thing.

[Miss Clavel]

I think she was probably insulted at you trying to get her to exercise. I was insulted once at work. I had come in at a good weight but started gaining some. Not long after, I got a card from a gym addressed to me at work. Now, I didn't receive any personal mail at work, so someone did that, and it did really make me mad. People know if they have gained weight and they will do something about it if and when they feel like it. There's nothing to be gained by coaxing them. If they want a walking partner or gym partner, they can ask you.

 

they sent me an AARP membership.

[preraph]

Crap, I've been getting those ever since I turned 40, I think! I finally acquiesced so I could get cheaper auto insurance!

[darkbloom]

I think she was probably insulted at you trying to get her to exercise. I was insulted once at work. I had come in at a good weight but started gaining some. Not long after, I got a card from a gym addressed to me at work. Now, I didn't receive any personal mail at work, so someone did that, and it did really make me mad. People know if they have gained weight and they will do something about it if and when they feel like it. There's nothing to be gained by coaxing them. If they want a walking partner or gym partner, they can ask you.

 

I don't think I did it in an insulting way. She complains about how heavy she is and her weight and when she does that I will say hey, come hiking with me! I'm going Monday morning or something to that effect. I do not bring it up out of context. Or if she suggests what we should do to hang out I usually throw out something active first. I feel like it's a bit enabling to only hang out with her and go out to eat. Wouldn't that be contributing to the problem?

 

I'm also of the mindset that you can't be upset for the progress you didn't make from the work you didn't do. It's different for everybody. Maybe she isn't ready to make the change yet. But I want her to know that I am here and I will help her in any way I can.

[jcromp]

I don't think I did it in an insulting way. She complains about how heavy she is and her weight and when she does that I will say hey, come hiking with me! I'm going Monday morning or something to that effect. I do not bring it up out of context. Or if she suggests what we should do to hang out I usually throw out something active first. I feel like it's a bit enabling to only hang out with her and go out to eat. Wouldn't that be contributing to the problem?

 

I'm also of the mindset that you can't be upset for the progress you didn't make from the work you didn't do. It's different for everybody. Maybe she isn't ready to make the change yet. But I want her to know that I am here and I will help her in any way I can.

 

Even if you didn't do it in an insulting way, and only bring it up in context, it still could be putting her off. And btw, you said that you have "NEVER brought up her weight"? Inviting her to work out with you when you know that she doesn't work out IS bringing up her weight.

 

I totally understand that you are coming from a loving place, and trying to help, but suggesting "active" activities when you make plans with her may be making you seem like a "know-it-all" or a "weight loss expert" to her. I know that's not a fair description of you, but as I'm sure you're aware, people are often extremely sensitive about their weight. It also may make her feel like you are judging her for not trying to lose the weight.

 

Every time she sees you, she is reminded that you put the work and effort in to lose your extra weight and she hasn't. It's not your fault, but it probably makes her feel lazy, unattractive, and like a failure. She likely also feels guilty that she hasn't done something about her weight problem. That's probably why she makes the comments to you about hating how heavy she is.

 

Trust me, she is well aware that you would have a lot of suggestions for her regarding an exercise and diet plan if she asked you for help.

 

But she's not asking you for help. So I would stop offering it. She'll lose the weight if and when she's ready. Your suggestions aren't going to help get her ready. They're just making her feel bad about herself.

 

Going out to eat is not "enabling" her or contributing to the problem. Everyone has to eat and it's not your job to help "guide" her eating habits. Besides, pretty much every restaurant besides fast food has healthy options on their menu. She's going to eat what she's going to eat whether you're with her or not.

 

If you want to save the friendship, I would suggest talking to her. Tell her that you've noticed that you're not talking or seeing each other like you used to and you're concerned that you've somehow upset her. She might just come out and tell you why she's upset. If she doesn't, you should ask her if your suggestions and invitations to work out made her feel bad or irritated her. Explain that you truly were just trying to be nice and helpful but that you now see how it could be taken the wrong way and you're sorry.