What do I do, I don't want to hurt him??

[cococat]

I'm in terrible need of some help right now and could use any advice at all on this matter

 

So I've been dating this amazing man for almost two months now. At first everything felt great. We are both in the creative/design fields and worked together for a couple of months. I'd been crushing on him for a while before he asked me on a date.

 

After I found out there was a 13-year age gap between us (this was after the 3rd date, he's 36 and I'm 23), I panicked but hid it and told him I didn't care about it. I didn't at the time, but now I'm starting to feel the differences between us.

 

On our last date, he revealed that he has never thought about marriage. I also know that he left a great long-term relationship several years ago in order to start a completely new career, at an age where he should have been thinking about settling down and starting a family (about age 30 or 31).

 

This worries me a great deal, because I've always been family-oriented and believe that having a loving relationship is the key to a happy life. It seems like with him, his career might be foremost, even though he is pretty attentive with me and makes a point to spend time with me when he is busy.

 

With every date though, I feel more distant to him than ever. It's like we're not on the same wavelength. I think it's because of the age gap plus the different values we have. I'm also at a point where I want to have fun and am still discovering myself. I'm not sure what I could bring to a relationship with a man in his late 30's. I should also add that we are physically extremely different - he is a heavy-built, 6'5 man and I'm very petite and short (not that that matters too much, but it's bothered me too).

 

What do I say to him? Should I break off dating with him for a while? I feel like we've been too close to just "be friends", but I don't want him out of my life. I know I'm being selfish for saying that. He's become so special to me, but I'm just not seeing a long-term relationship with him. We haven't had sex yet, only heaving petting and making out, and we also haven't mentioned exclusivity.

 

Sorry this was so long but I felt like I needed to provide enough details.

Edited April 4, 2016 by cococat

[d0nnivain]

Just end it. I'm a rip the band-aid off kind of person. I'd stick to the cliches as in "You're a great guy but I just don't think we have a future together." be vague but firm. Do not get into specifics because then he will think if he changes that you will take him back.

[cococat]

That sounds like a good way to do it. Realistically, I don't think I can or want to change him anyway. And it's going to hurt no matter how I do it... I just feel badly that this might come as a bit of a shock to him, given how well everything seems to be going.

[Maxtor]

You are breaking up because of "age", a stupid metric that doesnt really make sense.

[Satu]

Hopefully he'll be mature enough to understand your (perfectly valid) reasoning.

 

It will hurt, but he'll get over it.

[d0nnivain]

You are breaking up because of "age", a stupid metric that doesnt really make sense.

 

No she's not. Age is only one factor. She is very family oriented & given his age, the OP doesn't understand why he has "never thought about marriage" with anyone. Sh fears he may be a confirmed bachelor & his age is one indication this may be true.

[Satu]

It makes to those for whom it makes sense.

[Maxtor]

No she's not. Age is only one factor. She is very family oriented & given his age, the OP doesn't understand why he has "never thought about marriage" with anyone. Sh fears he may be a confirmed bachelor & his age is one indication this may be true.

I can argue that for me, its weird a "23" year old girl thinking about marriage. Myself, on the other hand, if a "23" year old girl mentioned marriage, I would run away, no matter how old or young I was. Marriage is just a contract, and my "love" does not obey any laws, religious or political.

[cococat]

You are breaking up because of "age", a stupid metric that doesnt really make sense.

 

In my case it does. I'm not talking in sense of numbers, but the difference in life experience and different stages we are in. I am also noticing that he doesn't have a very healthy lifestyle, which doesn't help his aging. While his drinking habit is mild, he overworks himself and also eats and sleeps irregularly.

[cococat]

I can argue that for me, its weird a "23" year old girl thinking about marriage. Myself, on the other hand, if a "23" year old girl mentioned marriage, I would run away, no matter how old or young I was. Marriage is just a contract, and my "love" does not obey any laws, religious or political.

 

Is 23 not a good age to be thinking about marriage? It's a reasonable point in life to be thinking long term. I do not want to spend years with someone only to realize we weren't great together, it would be a waste of his time and he would already be in his 40s. I think it takes years to develop a good relationship someone and if I can't see it now, I don't know how it's going to get better. I don't want to believe I can change him at this point, he is a grown man who knows what he wants and is set in his ways.

Edited April 4, 2016 by cococat

[preraph]

Age is as good a reason as any and better than most. There IS a gulf between different maturity levels and there's also practical reasons as well. I have been the woman who mostly dated younger men and I know all the advantages (they're cute and hot) and disadvantages (they're broke and still carousing and irresponsible). But the biggest disadvantage to me is if you're not from my generation or close to it, you are not going to get me, and you're not going to fully appreciate me and my accomplishments.

 

You gave it a shot. Older men would date younger women all day long, a lot of them, because they just consider them more sexually attractive. So good you haven't slept with him. He has less to lose. Just tell him what you told us, that you are seeing a widening gap and don't see this in your future. Don't confuse him with the stuff about him starting over a new career unless that is really all it would take for him to change to fix it. Don't get him scrambling to fix it if you know it's over. Keep it straightforward and let him know the age gulf is becoming more apparent and no future.

[cococat]

But the biggest disadvantage to me is if you're not from my generation or close to it, you are not going to get me, and you're not going to fully appreciate me and my accomplishments.

 

I think you've put into words exactly how I'm feeling. Thank you.

I actually appreciate his accomplishments (and he is very talented at many things), however with everything else, we don't "get" each other. Everything from hobbies, lifestyle habits, music, tastes, etc... :/

[preraph]

As much as we'd all like to flatter ourselves and think we are timeless, there are always gulfs between generations. Now, I think music was a great equalizer for me because it kept me out there and that's why younger guys from the same scene kept coming around, but even when everything else is locking down, there's still the maturity level and the life stages. I remember when I was 28 and hanging out with mostly people about 5 years younger than me, there was a married couple who were just over 30 we were around some because they managed some friends' band for awhile, and they just seemed so old and boring to me even though they were only a few years older. They were just much more settled down, though very nice people.

[LostOnes05]

I can't see what I'm eating tomorrow but it doesn't mean I won't eat. Sounds like a fairly good guy. Have you discussed these issues you're having with him? That's really the only way to understand. If you have the conversation and then don't like what you heard after processing it, then sure. But to dump someone without communicating your troubles is pretty harsh (just my opinion).

 

Now the part that confuses me is that you said you don't see a long term relationship with him, but that you're not really at the point of settling down yet anyway. So as a guy, that sounds like double talk. I think you should just have an open and honest conversation with him and go from there. That's the real solution.

[jen1447]

Whatever you do, don't sugarcoat it. Treat him like a man and tell him your actual reasons. No "I'm too busy to date" or "I think you deserve better," blah-blah. Your honesty will actually make it easier on him in the long run.

[kismetkismet]

@Maxtor - I think the thing with age related problems in relationship is that the age isn't the DIRECT cause of the difference between two people, but there are often age related differences.

 

In this case his age brings out a problem in what they want from their futures. She's only 23 and maybe she doesn't want to get married right now, but I imagine she thinks that she would like to be married once she's the age that her boyfriend is now. So while she doesn't need to get married tomorrow, his being 36 and not even thinking about marriage shows a difference in what they want from their futures and how they want to live their lives.

 

If he's 36 and doesn't think about marriage at all, chances are it's likely to stay that way for him. That's totally fine, people can live their lives however they want, but OP clearly wants a more traditional 'family' at some point- marriage, babies etc. Sure she could keep on dating him, but personally I would find it would put a damper on things knowing that the relationship would have an expiration date. It depends on what level of seriousness she's looking for from the relationship of course, but OP doesn't sound like she's looking for casual dating here...

 

@cococat

Age the NUMBER isn't important, but wanting the same things from life IS if you want a serious relationship and future with someone. If you're fine with casual dating then that sort of thing is less important obviously and you can go ahead with things, just be clear with him that you don't see a serious future. Otherwise I would just tell him you think he's great don't think it's going to work out/you want different things and go your separate ways. It's only been 2 months, you'll both be fine!

[cococat]

I've been thinking on this for several days now and I'm going to just talk with him to see where we're at. I don't want to be making any rash decisions and we haven't had any "serious" talks about where we're headed anyway.

 

Thanks guys for all the great advice.