Do I accept what is probably the slow fade or pull the trigger?

[jen1447]

So I've realized after having been single and not really dating for 2 years, I have no idea how to handle these things anymore/what to say/ and am getting cold feet.

 

Like I'm pretty sure I'm getting the fade, and have never really been wrong about it, but then it's like she'll do stuff like call me today before work (I didn't answer cause I was sleeping) cause she said she just wanted to check in and say hi. She asked if I wanted to get together tomorrow, but then goes back to sending me short disinterested texts whenever she does respond, and still claims that everything is fine.

 

I mean, there is, what I feel, is a relatively low chance that maybe it is just in my head and she's super busy with work (she's in a management position for a famous international company) like she claims, but in my gut it still seems off. Whenever she's backtracked before she always denies it, gets defensive, and throws up a wall, so I don't feel like merely talking to her about it will have much effect unless I truly am ready to just break it off with her and walk away, but then when I'm actually in her presence I always get weak and and get my words twisted, cause I do have feelings for her.

 

I'm definitely willing to hear her out at first, but it's like, I don't even know all the points I want to make and I'm scared and emotional exhausted to bring it up at this point even though I know it's necessary

 

Sounds like she's just stringing you along, and she'd probably like to keep doing that for her convenience.

 

You don't really have to do much of anything here but sit back. If she's the one fading, let her fade. If she reaches out, fine. But you don't really need to take any action since this isn't your doing to begin with. If you want to that's fine, but you'd be ok in principle just letting her come to you.

 

If you're vulnerable that can be hard to do, but if it was me I'd actually have some fun with it (at least for a while) - respond enthusiastically to her excited texts but then don't take any texting initiative, don't answer some texts, answer others seconds later, alternate manic and chilled, cancel dates, arrange other dates, etc. Two can play that game - any game really.

[angel.eyes]

While that sounds good in theory, it will just delay the OP's progress.

 

First, she's emotionally invested. Her ex isn't. Her ex is happily carrying on with her life. The OP is stuck caring about someone who doesn't care about her. It's not a level playing field. The longer Salient Point insists on staying on that playing field, the longer she drags out her pain and the longer it takes her to recover.

 

Second, as long as she sticks around engaging her ex, Salient Point is going to have some lingering hope that the ex might finally realize what she's missing, come to her senses, and want to be with her. The ex won't. She's done.

 

Third, as long as she keeps her ex in the picture, Salient Point won't be open to relationship with others. Great, healthy choices will pass her by as she sits around playing petty games with a woman who doesn't care about her or respect her. More of the same poor choices and wasted energy.

 

OP, the best revenge is living well. Move on and find someone who wants a real relationship with you instead of continuing to waste time on someone who doesn't.

[SalientPoint]

I understand you're hurting right now, but at some point, you will really need to examine your own role in your dating struggles and breakups. I went back and read one of your other threads, and it's the same pattern again and again.

 

"Kind of sort of dating" is not a relationship! What is that anyway if you can't even label it dating? FWB? Something else? If someone isn't really dating you, you shouldn't be emotionally investing in them. Period. If they can't even date you, then there's no relationship coming out of whatever the arrangement is.

 

Going back to the woman that prompted this thread. The first time you called her your girlfriend publicly (one month in?), she immediately back peddled and didn't want you calling her your girlfriend. Then you went on a trip together and she was emotionally distant and clearly unaffectionate. Her excuse: It felt like a relationship. Basically, what she was telling you there is she doesn't want a relationship with you. You've hung on anyway despite a full month of clear fading after that incident.

 

In another of your threads, you were messing around with a woman who you knew had an established partner, and struggled when she faded on you:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/561367-how-deal-break-up-when-you-don-t-know-why-they-left-s-not-their-fault

 

If someone will only see you in secret, as this woman insisted, it's going nowhere. Why even bother to get involved, let alone invest 10+ months of your life with her?

 

Look at why you're so attracted to unavailable women who don't want a relationship (or in some cases to date) you. Why are you emotionally investing, getting attached, and futilely attempting to enter relationships with women who through their reactions early on, clearly don't want that with you? There is a whole wide world of potential partners out there. Why are you honing in on unavailable women, wasting your time, energy, and emotions on them, then refusing to accept for months that it's over when you yourself acknowledge they are fading?

 

Blame each of the women involved all you want. But you picked all of them! Through their actions, they were crystal clear early on about the potential for what you wanted (i.e. a relationship) happening...It wasn't. Until you focus on your role, take a hard look at your choices, and change YOU, I hate to say, expect more of the same in your future.

 

 

Ah, whoops, I guess I did write about her on LS. Apologies! It was late when I posted. Yes, you're entirely right. I did have a pattern of dating unavailable women in the past, and that was what I was trying to curb. In that particular situation with my friend (kinda sorted dated girl) though it was more the fact she totally disappeared in the end that mainly bothered me. It had it's ups and downs, but the ghosting for me was the real issue. Well, in addition to what occurred last night. I never really wanted a "conventional" relationship with her in that sense or wished a break up on her with her primary partner. But I still see now especially it was a poor choice in character on my behalf.

 

This current situation is the first one I've had in around 2 years where I felt it was actually going somewhere, and things were really good before she started freaking out. Now that I see what's happening, I'm going to call her on it and get out now if she doesn't have an amazingly great explanation.

 

I've had plenty of healthy experiences in between times where I've set better boundries for myself, I just totally admit I only post on LS in the negative times when I'm most confused. So yeah, I fully agree with you, there have been plenty of instances in the past where I have made a poor choice by getting with emotionally unavailable women, but more often than not recently I've made better dating choices. It just took me a bit of time to realize how truly unavailable she was as we were only dating for 3 months and the first 2 months (we made it official at around two and a half months) were pretty good.

 

It has only been about a week and a half since the trip we took where she was distant, and for most of that week she was stressed about work and family duties and not even in the same city as me for most of it, thus, though I still do believe she is/was fading, so far it's only been through text, so I wanted to give it time to see if it was all in my head, and I think now it was probably not, but I think regardless we'd still have to have a final discussion face to face.

 

But yeah, you're right, I do have to be very careful/mindful in not repeating my past unhealthy relationship patterns, so thank you for the reminder

[angel.eyes]

Ha ha. The one other thread I picked to read turned out to be about her! Anyway, I'm glad it was helpful.

 

Again, don't waste your time calling her out on anything. She doesn't care what you think...That's why she's ghosting. Let her float away into the ether.

 

Focus on staying busy, making new friends, pursuing new hobbies, and dating new people. She's proven time and again that her words are meaningless. She's not worth your breath or any of your head space. I know it's hard not to take it personally when you like someone, but try to see it as a lack of compatibility, and not a referendum on you as a person. See it as getting you a step closer to the person you're meant to be with, since you're no longer wasting time on someone who was going to be a dead-end.

 

Learn to do that, and breakups will be a little bit easier and the recovery process slightly faster. The longer you continue to engage, the more you just drag out the emotional toll on yourself, and the more personal the rejection feels. Again, it's not about you. It's about not being compatible.

 

I'm sure you'll find someone amazing once you're able to open your heart again.