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Do I accept what is probably the slow fade or pull the trigger?

SalientPoint

By SalientPoint
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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SalientPoint Established Member

SalientPoint

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So the girl I've been dating for 3 months has basically already started to have some commitment freakouts. I knew she wasn't totally over her ex, but it seemed manageable, and she'd admitted that sometimes commitment scares her.

 

I've never been the type of girl to wanna know "where is this going?" I've always been fine with keeping things casual and letting things go on at a slower pace, and I basically let her initiate all the moves in the relationship at the speed she was comfortable with.

 

After 2 months she initiated the "let's be gf's" talk, and I asked if she was sure, because if she wasn't there was no rush from me, and she could take her time. She said she was sure and wanted to be my gf, so great! We were gf's for about 3 weeks and then when I actually introduced her as my gf at a party, the next day she said she didn't want to use the title anymore, but still wanted to be exclusive and that she'd always felt that way with people she'd dated but she totally glossed over the fact she'd been calling me her gf for the last three weeks. Not so great...

 

We got in a few arguments about that one, mostly over her unwillingness to admit that she was back peddling, but eventually I realized I really liked hanging out with her, so I didn't care what she wanted to call it.

 

We had planned a snowboarding trip a few months in advance (again, totally initiated and suggested by her) and the time came for us to take the trip. It was fun, but I noticed she was a bit distant, way less physically affectionate than she normally is, and we didn't have sex that much. I didn't say anything at the time cause I wanted to give her space, but after the trip the topic came up, and she basically said that spending 4 days together doing a sport we both like, felt like a "relationship" and added expectations and ect ect, basically I could see her freaking out again.

 

So I said to myself, ok, I'll try and back off and give her more space. She was going back to her home country for a few days for a family vacation, and throughout then she texted me lots of pictures and videos and we had some nice chats, but again there was something that felt off.

 

She's back now and her texts are just so surface level and fake seeming. I asked her if there was something she wanted to talk about, she seemed a bit distant ect but she kept denying there was anything wrong, and that she was looking forward to seeing me, but when I brought it up wouldn't actually pick a time.

 

So yeah, I know the signs, but because of past issues I also don't want to be hasty and break up with her, if I think there's a chance of it turning around, though it doesn't seem good if she won't even admit she's being weird. Right now I'm just leaning towards texting her and saying that we need to talk, and ending things, but am I being too hasty?

 

TLDR: I'm 99% sure I'm getting the slow fade. Do I end it or give it more time?

Edited by SalientPoint
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Light Breeze Established Member

Light Breeze

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You said she wasn't totally over her ex when you started dating?

 

Well, I'm afraid you're a rebound.

 

Cut your losses, pull the trigger. There would be others out there with infinitely less drama.

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mightycpa Established Member

mightycpa

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How much do you care? Change the terms of the relationship from your end to suit the situation. Just put another label on her (****buddy, FWB, etc.) and act accordingly.

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Michelle ma Belle Established Member

Michelle ma Belle

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Save your dignity and pull the trigger. When someone is truly interested in you they will make every effort to be with you no matter what. Why wait for her to erase you. Take back some control.

  • Like 4
angel.eyes Established Member

angel.eyes

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Meh! If someone's fading on me, it's not worth my effort to break up with him. Too much of a bother, especially in a scenario like yours, where she's been so wishy washy, back peddling and undecided over the time you dated. Faders are no longer emotionally invested, so I just move on and find someone else. They'll figure it out whenever they come around...i.e. if they come around.

 

Regardless of how you choose to handle it, the key is to recognize the fade and do whatever it takes for you to move on mentally and emotionally.

Edited by angel.eyes
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SalientPoint Established Member

SalientPoint

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So now she asked if I could come to dinner, but I had to work, so I asked her if there was any other night she was free. She said she was flexible so I should suggest some nights, which I did, one of which was tomorrow, and she was like "ok, should work, let's see how the day goes tomorrow?" which she wouldn't have said before, so yeah, I'm basically getting put on the back burner I feel like. I told her we should just wait until a day she knew she was free, so she was like "haha ok, you're super chilled. I get it. Still looking forward to seeing you though."

 

So I just said that it didn't have to be dinner if she just wanted to catch up, we could just grab a drink, but if she had other plans or didn't feel up for it, more convenient to wait for a day when it worked for both of us.

 

No response yet. I feel really uncomfortable breaking up over text even though I kind of want to....

  • Like 1
jen1447 Established Member

jen1447

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You said at the start you were pretty casual w/dating in general so why not just back off some and treat it like a casual relationship? That's what I'd do. You still get sex and don't have to invest like you would with a real GF.

 

Win-win? She seems to want less but not nothing. :)

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Satu Established Member

Satu

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I would have one more meeting before deciding one way or the other.

 

See how she is when you meet.

 

 

Take care.

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Standard-Fare Established Member

Standard-Fare

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I think your actions should depend on what you're feeling for this girl.

 

If you've fallen for her and would prefer for this to be a "real" relationship with monogamy and commitment and steady interaction - obviously this girl isn't going to be giving you that. So yes, in that case, you should absolutely cut your losses and end this thing.

 

But if you just enjoy her company and could be fine with a non-steady thing, well, it seems like you two could get yourselves on the same page.

 

The latter of course can only last so long, so up to you if three months is where you draw the line on that.

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Woggle Established Member

Woggle

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Posted

Just pull the trigger and dump her. Ironically that might be the only way to actually get her interest back. Women tend to be more attracted to a man who can walk away when he feels the relationship isn't going in the direction he wants.

Robert Established Member

Robert

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Folks, there has been some confusion in this thread that moderation has resolved and a couple meta-discussions have been deleted.

 

For clarification, this thread is about a same-sex relationship between two women.

 

Please carry on.

 

~6

Edited by Robert
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angel.eyes Established Member

angel.eyes

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It seems as if she just wants to confirm that you're still around on her back burner and available as an option should she need you. I know it sucks. I would mentally move on. This is going nowhere.

 

So now she asked if I could come to dinner, but I had to work, so I asked her if there was any other night she was free. She said she was flexible so I should suggest some nights, which I did, one of which was tomorrow, and she was like "ok, should work, let's see how the day goes tomorrow?" which she wouldn't have said before, so yeah, I'm basically getting put on the back burner I feel like. I told her we should just wait until a day she knew she was free, so she was like "haha ok, you're super chilled. I get it. Still looking forward to seeing you though."

 

So I just said that it didn't have to be dinner if she just wanted to catch up, we could just grab a drink, but if she had other plans or didn't feel up for it, more convenient to wait for a day when it worked for both of us.

 

No response yet. I feel really uncomfortable breaking up over text even though I kind of want to....

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SalientPoint Established Member

SalientPoint

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Thanks for all the super helpful responses guys! I'm really taking them all to heart.

 

At first I would have been fine keeping it casual, but then I really started to like her, and there's just been too much back and forth from her for me to go back to where we started from.

 

Plus I feel like we're both too old to be playing games and for someone her age to even pull the slow fade (I'm almost 30, she's in her mid 30's) when she marketed herself as being super direct and honest. She's still swearing that she has nothing she wants to say even though her behavior and attitude towards me has drastically changed. I keep giving her enough rope to hang herself with and she keeps on taking it with nary a word, which concerns me.

 

At this point I don't know if I should just ignore her until she actually commits to setting up a time to get together which she's not currently doing, or if I should just give it a day or two then demand we meet up so I can end things in person and give her her key back. I really just want to end things with as most dignity for me as possible and not give into whatever weird thing she seems to be doing.

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Satu Established Member

Satu

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snip

Plus I feel like we're both too old to be playing games and for someone her age to even pull the slow fade (I'm almost 30, she's in her mid 30's) when she marketed herself as being super direct and honest. *She's still swearing that she has nothing she wants to say even though her behavior and attitude towards me has drastically changed. I keep giving her enough rope to hang herself with and she keeps on taking it with nary a word, which concerns me.

 

 

*As is often said on LS:

 

"Believe the behaviour more than the words."

 

I would still give her a chance to explain herself before pulling the plug, but thats just how I prefer to do things.

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SalientPoint Established Member

SalientPoint

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snip

 

 

*As is often said on LS:

 

"Believe the behaviour more than the words."

 

I would still give her a chance to explain herself before pulling the plug, but thats just how I prefer to do things.

 

 

Yeah, I'm definitely still willing to hear what she has to say, but as she won't set a time to actually see me, I'm thinking it's not going to go well...

  • Like 1
ty10 Member

ty10

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Yeah, I'm definitely still willing to hear what she has to say, but as she won't set a time to actually see me, I'm thinking it's not going to go well...

 

Hate to say it - but you're probably right. My ex was like this, started pulling away - I tried to arrange a meet to discuss my concerns, pushed too far, so she pulled the plug by text.

 

She never said it, but I got the feeling she wasn't over the ex despite being broken up for 18 months, the fact the guy she was with cheated but they were still friends made me uneasy and I get the feeling that's what did for us.

 

My advice, let her come to you, say you want to meet up and leave the ball in her court. Keep busy and don't push the issue. If she really wants to see you she'll come round but sadly I expect the worse, I hope I'm wrong though.

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Standard-Fare Established Member

Standard-Fare

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I think hang back and see when... or if... she follows through with a meetup. If she doesn't, insist upon one. Why? Because you're grown women, you've been dating for a few months, you have keys to her place, and it would be better to have a breakup that involves direct and honest communication.

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angel.eyes Established Member

angel.eyes

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Why must you meet? What will that change exactly?:confused:

 

She's pulled away, is not communicative, and won't meet...and this has been going on for a while. I guess I don't feel a need for the person to connect the dots for me. It's over.

 

I think you're using this "need to meet" as a way to hold on to hope that maybe she might come around and a relationship will eventually come out of this. It's not. Sorry. What you're doing is counterproductive. It's holding you back from the reality of the situation.

 

You're the only one still emotionally invested in this. She's carrying on with her life. You should too.

  • Like 2
Standard-Fare Established Member

Standard-Fare

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Why must you meet? What will that change exactly?:confused:

 

She's pulled away, is not communicative, and won't meet...and this has been going on for a while. I guess I don't feel a need for the person to connect the dots for me. It's over.

 

I think you're using this "need to meet" as a way to hold on to hope that maybe she might come around and a relationship will eventually come out of this. It's not. Sorry. What you're doing is counterproductive. It's holding you back from the reality of the situation.

 

You're the only one still emotionally invested in this. She's carrying on with her life. You should too.

 

Well, okay, I agree with this too, but I think it depends on whether the OP feels she needs more formal closure.

 

I think there's also an angle here of not letting a 35-year-old woman get away with a middle-school way of ending things. After three months, exchanged house keys, a shared trip, etc., it seems like this warrants at least a conversation.

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SalientPoint Established Member

SalientPoint

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Well, okay, I agree with this too, but I think it depends on whether the OP feels she needs more formal closure.

 

I think there's also an angle here of not letting a 35-year-old woman get away with a middle-school way of ending things. After three months, exchanged house keys, a shared trip, etc., it seems like this warrants at least a conversation.

 

 

Right, I don't necessarily need closure, it's more like I think breaking up with someone, or having that conversation, without a face to face meeting is incredibly tacky and immature if one can help it. I could in theory just leave the key in the mailbox, but after 3 months, and as adults, I think it's kind of the least we could do. She wants to meet tomorrow, so I guess I have to think about what I'm going to say...

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angel.eyes Established Member

angel.eyes

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Posted (edited)
Well, okay, I agree with this too, but I think it depends on whether the OP feels she needs more formal closure.

 

I think there's also an angle here of not letting a 35-year-old woman get away with a middle-school way of ending things. After three months, exchanged house keys, a shared trip, etc., it seems like this warrants at least a conversation.

 

Formal closure of what exactly? More meetings for what purpose? A relationship is not happening. That's abundantly clear.

 

Suffice it to say, I think this approach only drags out the pain for the dumpee. Create your own closure by moving on mentally and finding someone who wants what you do.

Edited by angel.eyes
jen1447 Established Member

jen1447

Posted
Posted
I think there's also an angle here of not letting a 35-year-old woman get away with a middle-school way of ending things. After three months, exchanged house keys, a shared trip, etc., it seems like this warrants at least a conversation.

 

Right, I don't necessarily need closure, it's more like I think breaking up with someone, or having that conversation, without a face to face meeting is incredibly tacky and immature if one can help it. I could in theory just leave the key in the mailbox, but after 3 months, and as adults, I think it's kind of the least we could do. She wants to meet tomorrow, so I guess I have to think about what I'm going to say...

 

Agree completely - there's a dignified, adult way to handle these things, and then there's the other way.

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SalientPoint Established Member

SalientPoint

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So I've realized after having been single and not really dating for 2 years, I have no idea how to handle these things anymore/what to say/ and am getting cold feet.

 

Like I'm pretty sure I'm getting the fade, and have never really been wrong about it, but then it's like she'll do stuff like call me today before work (I didn't answer cause I was sleeping) cause she said she just wanted to check in and say hi. She asked if I wanted to get together tomorrow, but then goes back to sending me short disinterested texts whenever she does respond, and still claims that everything is fine.

 

I mean, there is, what I feel, is a relatively low chance that maybe it is just in my head and she's super busy with work (she's in a management position for a famous international company) like she claims, but in my gut it still seems off. Whenever she's backtracked before she always denies it, gets defensive, and throws up a wall, so I don't feel like merely talking to her about it will have much effect unless I truly am ready to just break it off with her and walk away, but then when I'm actually in her presence I always get weak and and get my words twisted, cause I do have feelings for her.

 

I'm definitely willing to hear her out at first, but it's like, I don't even know all the points I want to make and I'm scared and emotional exhausted to bring it up at this point even though I know it's necessary :(

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SalientPoint Established Member

SalientPoint

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So never bothered to post on LS about this one, but basically was kind of sort of dating a girl/my best friend for almost a year that ended things by totally ghosting me. I never found out the reason till recently, at the time she just disappeared and never wanted to see me or talk to me again.

 

Then I find out she's been dating the co-host of a social group that I run. I was trying to be the bigger person, acting like it wasn't bothering me, but then tonight, she show's up and starts making out with my co-host literally 3ft in front of me. They both know our history. They both know it would bother me. They both do it anyway. Obviously I left, as classily as possible.

 

This was going on the same time as I was still getting faded by the original women in this post. We are still supposedly meeting up tomorrow, but the fade it obviously confirmed and real, so obviously tomorrow will be cheery as well.

 

Is there any hope in anything out there left?

angel.eyes Established Member

angel.eyes

Posted
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I understand you're hurting right now, but at some point, you will really need to examine your own role in your dating struggles and breakups. I went back and read one of your other threads, and it's the same pattern again and again.

 

"Kind of sort of dating" is not a relationship! What is that anyway if you can't even label it dating? FWB? Something else? If someone isn't really dating you, you shouldn't be emotionally investing in them. Period. If they can't even date you, then there's no relationship coming out of whatever the arrangement is.

 

Going back to the woman that prompted this thread. The first time you called her your girlfriend publicly (one month in?), she immediately back peddled and didn't want you calling her your girlfriend. Then you went on a trip together and she was emotionally distant and clearly unaffectionate. Her excuse: It felt like a relationship. Basically, what she was telling you there is she doesn't want a relationship with you. You've hung on anyway despite a full month of clear fading after that incident.

 

In another of your threads, you were messing around with a woman who you knew had an established partner, and struggled when she faded on you:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/561367-how-deal-break-up-when-you-don-t-know-why-they-left-s-not-their-fault

 

If someone will only see you in secret, as this woman insisted, it's going nowhere. Why even bother to get involved, let alone invest 10+ months of your life with her?

 

Look at why you're so attracted to unavailable women who don't want a relationship (or in some cases to date) you. Why are you emotionally investing, getting attached, and futilely attempting to enter relationships with women who through their reactions early on, clearly don't want that with you? There is a whole wide world of potential partners out there. Why are you honing in on unavailable women, wasting your time, energy, and emotions on them, then refusing to accept for months that it's over when you yourself acknowledge they are fading?

 

Blame each of the women involved all you want. But you picked all of them! Through their actions, they were crystal clear early on about the potential for what you wanted (i.e. a relationship) happening...It wasn't. Until you focus on your role, take a hard look at your choices, and change YOU, I hate to say, expect more of the same in your future.

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