Author SammySammy Posted April 4, 2016 Author Posted April 4, 2016 (edited) Well ....sigh. To throw you a bone here, I'll say that personally I never really thought it was my responsibility to safeguard someone else's marriage vows if they didn't particularly prioritize them themselves. So in that sense I'd say why not just resume/carry on the sex? But since she's a close friend and not just an acquaintance I can see how you should make it a personal priority to look out for her best interests, and more significantly the kids complicate matters. I guess I'd just arrange a face-to-face where you state the sex is done in no uncertain terms, and that if she can accept that, the friendship can continue. Assuming both you and her can actually pull that off tho and not just tear each others' clothes off a month from now anyway. Do you think having a sexual relationship with her makes her a happier person overall, or does it conflict and compromise her? Not in your estimation, in hers, about herself. Some ppl actually have affairs that are 'good' for them, believe it or not. Like some sexually unfulfilled women. Thanks for being understanding and not judgmental. She's definitely one of those sexually unfulfilled women. She's told me that she's much happier overall. Others notice it. She's in better shape. She's probably miserable now since I went NC, but, before, she glowed. She was happy. She was not conflicted about it at all. Edited April 4, 2016 by MidKnightDreams
jen1447 Posted April 4, 2016 Posted April 4, 2016 Thanks for being understanding and not judgmental. She's definitely one of those sexually unfulfilled women. She's told me that she's much happier overall. Others notice it. She's in better shape. She's probably miserable now since I went NC, but, before, she glowed. She was happy. She was not conflicted about it at all. Hmmmm.... (btw sorry, I thought your earlier post was a reply to me.) Is she able to maintain complete transparency w/the kids as well as her hubs? No one has a clue at all and it's a happy home over there? I assume you've got a better clue about that since you're not just a random.
Author SammySammy Posted April 4, 2016 Author Posted April 4, 2016 Hmmmm.... (btw sorry, I thought your earlier post was a reply to me.) Is she able to maintain complete transparency w/the kids as well as her hubs? No one has a clue at all and it's a happy home over there? I assume you've got a better clue about that since you're not just a random. Our daughters are adults. They think we're just friends. Her sisters know we dated as teens. They haven't seen me in years. If they know we communicate, they probably think we're just old friends. That's about it. The husband has never seen me and I doubt her family brings up her ex-boyfriends. Especially one who hasn't been around in decades.
jen1447 Posted April 4, 2016 Posted April 4, 2016 Well in that case .... I mean the (young) kids were the major sticking point in my mind, she can decide on the marriage values for herself. So ....I know this wasn't really the intent in your opening but I'd just get back to it, esp if you think she's suffering for lacking it. I don't want to make this about me but it's hard to contextualize without personal references. I've had more than a few of these type of relationships over the years, and like in your case the partners (women for me) always seemed to outwardly benefit - happy, thriving, healthy etc. I don't think I would have done it if they didn't. The caveat for me is that it's usually temporary, but I think that's moreso due to my 'turnover' nature than anything else. With your own longevity as friends there's probably no reason you couldn't be a permanent fixture again. Some things - and people - just work together, and sometimes just for certain things. Friendship and sex aren't exactly common together but they're not mutually exclusive either.
Toodaloo Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 MidKnight please do not be "that guy". You know the one who pins his dreams with out realizing it on a woman who is not faithful, not available and not actually treating any of the men in her life very well. Then he ends up getting his face smashed in by the husband who finds out years later and goes a bit banannas and she ends up divorced and with some other bloke anyway and you are left at the crash scene trying to figure out what the heck happened there because it sure as hell makes no sense at all... You have done the right thing. Doing the right thing is not always easy but for your own sanity please continue to do the right thing. This woman feels no shame or guilt about all of this the way you do... Please do not compromise yourself like this. She would feel no shame or guilt about abusing your trust this way either. After all you are just a penis between 2 legs regardless of what she says that is the way she has treated you... I know you are find of her so how about you keep your find memories and leave them as memories that you can look back on and smile rather than risk it becoming so very much worse.
Author SammySammy Posted April 5, 2016 Author Posted April 5, 2016 You're right in that she doesn't care about her husband or me. Totally disrespects her husband who gives her everything. And I'm just a walking sex toy - a human dildo, if you will. I realized that when I first walked away.
jen1447 Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 That doesn't square too well with what you said earlier - Meh. She's been a friend for over thirty years. Through thick and thin. Through all of life's ups and downs. I had to go NC with her because of ... the situation. Had to end it. She never stopped being there though. She's a friend in the truest sense of the word whether you believe it or not. If she's really actually an awful person, the cheating question should be moot - you shouldn't be involved w/her at all, as a friend or a lover.
Author SammySammy Posted April 5, 2016 Author Posted April 5, 2016 I think all of it is true. We've been friends for a long time. She obviously disrespects her husband by being with me. She takes me for granted sexually. I like the friend part. She's loyal to me and has been there for me since we were very young. The sexual part is ugly. There's no real way to dress that up and make it look better than it is. I think all of us are neither good, nor bad. Just complicated. With a tendency to justify ourselves.
jen1447 Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 Maybe, but if she "doesn't care" about you and you're just a "human dildo" to her, she's not actually your friend. (Ha - full circle. ) If she's not your friend, you don't owe her anything. 1
Author SammySammy Posted April 5, 2016 Author Posted April 5, 2016 Maybe she's a friend who uses me sexually and there's no way to separate the two. Full circle indeed ....
jen1447 Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 Eh, there's no way "doesn't care about (you)" translates into friendship. Anyway I think at least it's clear what the real question is now and what you need to figure out.
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