SammySammy Posted April 4, 2016 Posted April 4, 2016 (edited) What happens if the person you're in no contact with is a long-term friend? Friend in the truest sense of the word. My AP, who I've successfully avoided contact with for 13 months, is such a friend. We've been friends since we were ten years old. Despite everything we've been through, she's still one of the best friends I have. I had a birthday recently. She, like many others, sent me a birthday message. I felt so guilty answering all of them but hers. Normally, I have no problem cutting women out of my life. I've done it many times. Cut them loose and never talk to them again. Ever. But, this one. She's different. We genuinely like each other and have a bond that goes back to childhood. The problem is we have difficulty drawing the line between lovers and friends. And she's married. smh The truth is I miss my friend. I don't miss my AP. I wonder if I can separate the two .... Edited April 4, 2016 by MidKnightDreams
Toodaloo Posted April 4, 2016 Posted April 4, 2016 What happens if the person you're in no contact with is a long-term friend? Friend in the truest sense of the word. The problem is we have difficulty drawing the line between lovers and friends. And she's married. The truth is I miss my friend. I don't miss my AP. I wonder if I can separate the two .... Until you no longer have the difficulty with the line you can not carry on as friends. I have exes that really are true friends. I have absolutely no desire to see them naked or do anything sexual at all. They are now like brothers to me. Yes I still love them but that love is very different. It is possible but I really do not think that after you have crossed those lines, she is married and you had an affair for goodness sake so it was a rush not a proper relationship, that you can go back. I really do think that you need to cut loose. Sorry but the way it is. You need to have a better chance of a future and this girl is not it even if you have been friends for such a long time your affair has destroyed that. Good Luck. I know it sucks. 1
Author SammySammy Posted April 4, 2016 Author Posted April 4, 2016 It does suck. I just wonder. I moved to another state. Farther away from her. After over a year of NC, hopefully she's got the message that part is over. I think I could handle it. Just a friendship. Wonder if she can ....
Toodaloo Posted April 4, 2016 Posted April 4, 2016 I really think its too soon to even try. Perhaps a few years more down the line but after just a year its still raw and all those feelings of excitement and the secrecy of it all... Its just a jumbled mess. For it to be friends it really needs to be that neither of you have any interest AT ALL in the other. You need to view each other as asexual and not as a woman and a man. If I am brutal I really think you should stop thinking about this woman and move on in another direction. 1
jen1447 Posted April 4, 2016 Posted April 4, 2016 I don't think "friend in the truest sense of the word" = someone you don't talk to for 13 months. Just sayin'....maybe she's not really all that much friend.
Author SammySammy Posted April 4, 2016 Author Posted April 4, 2016 I don't think "friend in the truest sense of the word" = someone you don't talk to for 13 months. Just sayin'....maybe she's not really all that much friend. Meh. She's been a friend for over thirty years. Through thick and thin. Through all of life's ups and downs. I had to go NC with her because of ... the situation. Had to end it. She never stopped being there though. She's a friend in the truest sense of the word whether you believe it or not.
Author SammySammy Posted April 4, 2016 Author Posted April 4, 2016 Maybe you're the one who's dropping the ball then. I'm absolutely the one dropping the ball. She's always ... available ... to me, but I have to be strong enough to say no. No matter what. So far, the only way I've figured out how to do that is avoid her completely. It hurts to do that because I miss the friend part. Good insight.
PrettyEmily77 Posted April 4, 2016 Posted April 4, 2016 The problem is we have difficulty drawing the line between lovers and friends. And she's married. . + The truth is I miss my friend. I don't miss my AP. I wonder if I can separate the two .... = recipe for disaster. If you wonder, you're not quite there yet.
Author SammySammy Posted April 4, 2016 Author Posted April 4, 2016 + = recipe for disaster. If you wonder, you're not quite there yet. I know. You're absolutely right. This is harder than I thought.
mightycpa Posted April 4, 2016 Posted April 4, 2016 Maybe she's the true friend, but you're not. You're banging her while she's married, then because you decide belatedly that this is something you shouldn't be doing, you drop off the face of the earth for over a year. A real friend would have gotten together with her, kept his dick in his pants and explained that this part of the relationship was over, and made a decision together about where things were going. But instead, you disappeared. Frankly, she doesn't seem to be fazed by it, as she sent you a bd greeting, and if my math is right, this would be the second unanswered one. So I have to believe that maybe you're the one who can't keep your hands off of her, and she won't stop you when you can't stop yourself? Is that really the problem here?
Author SammySammy Posted April 4, 2016 Author Posted April 4, 2016 Maybe she's the true friend, but you're not. You're banging her while she's married, then because you decide belatedly that this is something you shouldn't be doing, you drop off the face of the earth for over a year. A real friend would have gotten together with her, kept his dick in his pants and explained that this part of the relationship was over, and made a decision together about where things were going. But instead, you disappeared. Frankly, she doesn't seem to be fazed by it, as she sent you a bd greeting, and if my math is right, this would be the second unanswered one. So I have to believe that maybe you're the one who can't keep your hands off of her, and she won't stop you when you can't stop yourself? Is that really the problem here? Not being able to keep our hands off each other - that part is mutual. Actually, she's much more persistent and insistent about that part than I am. I just ... relent. Give in to her. I accept responsibility for what I've done though. That's why I felt like I had to end it. I understand going NC wasn't the best thing to do for the friendship. I just didn't know of any other way of ending the affair. Simply talking to her may have worked, but I doubt it. I guess that's the conundrum - how do you end an affair with a person you would like to remain friends with?
jen1447 Posted April 4, 2016 Posted April 4, 2016 Was the sex part just a FWB thing or was there ever romance?
Author SammySammy Posted April 4, 2016 Author Posted April 4, 2016 Hmmm. Another good question. The sex part was different from most. We lived in different states. We both traveled for work and we got together sporadically when we happened to be in the same city or close by. We would know when those times would be weeks ahead of time. I would think about and plan our encounters. Always kept her guessing. Never knowing what was coming next. Romantic? I think she would say so. Among other things. It wasn't like a typical across town relationship. A lot more intense than FWB, in my opinion.
jen1447 Posted April 4, 2016 Posted April 4, 2016 Ok. Well there's two sides of the coin there ....if there were feelings involved, they'll have to be addressed if you hope to reconcile as friends, and that'll be a tough discussion. On the other hand, it'll be more obvious that stopping the sex is the right thing to do - not just for her marriage (presumably) but bc it can hurt both of you too. When two ppl just f--k it can be really hard to stop it bc no compelling reason. I've been in more than a few of those 'meet up as friends' things (either thru natural time apart of wanting to end the FWB/FB part) that just quickly turned back into sex bc it's actually by far the easier thing to do. Tends to just be spontaneous w/no appreciable fallout. So you may have both a tougher and easier time of it at the same time if you try to reconcile.
Author SammySammy Posted April 4, 2016 Author Posted April 4, 2016 Ok. Well there's two sides of the coin there ....if there were feelings involved, they'll have to be addressed if you hope to reconcile as friends, and that'll be a tough discussion. On the other hand, it'll be more obvious that stopping the sex is the right thing to do - not just for her marriage (presumably) but bc it can hurt both of you too. When two ppl just f--k it can be really hard to stop it bc no compelling reason. I've been in more than a few of those 'meet up as friends' things (either thru natural time apart of wanting to end the FWB/FB part) that just quickly turned back into sex bc it's actually by far the easier thing to do. Tends to just be spontaneous w/no appreciable fallout. So you may have both a tougher and easier time of it at the same time if you try to reconcile. Exactly. There was really no compelling reason to stop other than I just thought it was the right thing to do. I'm thinking reconciling may be worth the risk. I've moved to another state even further away from her. It's not part of her work area, so there's no reason to see each other unless we purposely plan to. I don't intend for that to happen. Being cold to her doesn't seem right. Necessary at the time, but maybe we can resume our friendship if the appropriate boundaries are in place.
jen1447 Posted April 4, 2016 Posted April 4, 2016 Is her marriage happy otherwise? And are you single?
Author SammySammy Posted April 4, 2016 Author Posted April 4, 2016 Strange thing is, from the outside looking in, she has the perfect marriage. He seems to be a great guy. Beautiful kids. Both are very active and involved in their community. Financially secure. From what she says, he only lacks in one area. She sought out an ex-boyfriend who she knew was a little more to her liking in that area ... and here we are. My last committed relationship ended nine years ago. I've been "single" by choice since that time. FWBs are much more suitable to my sensibilities. For now, at least.
jen1447 Posted April 4, 2016 Posted April 4, 2016 Is it safe to say her hubs isn't the open marriage type?
Author SammySammy Posted April 4, 2016 Author Posted April 4, 2016 (edited) No, he's not. She told me he said he would divorce her if she cheated. She doesn't care because she wants to be with me. He trusts her completely though. When she's home, she doesn't do anything to raise his suspicion. He doesn't know I exist. As far as he knew, she was just going to work when we would meet. Just as she's done for years. He let his guard down because all she does is take care of home and kids. And work. Edited April 4, 2016 by MidKnightDreams
Simon Phoenix Posted April 4, 2016 Posted April 4, 2016 Dude, stop sleeping with a married woman. That's just tacky. 1
jen1447 Posted April 4, 2016 Posted April 4, 2016 No, he's not. She told me he said he would divorce her if she cheated. She doesn't care because she wants to be with me. He trusts her completely though. When she's home, she doesn't do anything to raise his suspicion. He doesn't know I exist. As far as he knew, she was just going to work when we would meet. Just as she's done for years. He let his guard down because all she does is take care of home and kids. And work. Well ....sigh. To throw you a bone here, I'll say that personally I never really thought it was my responsibility to safeguard someone else's marriage vows if they didn't particularly prioritize them themselves. So in that sense I'd say why not just resume/carry on the sex? But since she's a close friend and not just an acquaintance I can see how you should make it a personal priority to look out for her best interests, and more significantly the kids complicate matters. I guess I'd just arrange a face-to-face where you state the sex is done in no uncertain terms, and that if she can accept that, the friendship can continue. Assuming both you and her can actually pull that off tho and not just tear each others' clothes off a month from now anyway. Do you think having a sexual relationship with her makes her a happier person overall, or does it conflict and compromise her? Not in your estimation, in hers, about herself. Some ppl actually have affairs that are 'good' for them, believe it or not. Like some sexually unfulfilled women.
Author SammySammy Posted April 4, 2016 Author Posted April 4, 2016 Dude, stop sleeping with a married woman. That's just tacky. I don't. Anymore .... It's an aberration for me. Didn't before her. Haven't since. Seriously.
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