thespacey1 Posted April 4, 2016 Posted April 4, 2016 So, I've been interested in finding out what people's perspective is on being dumped. Either way, it sucks but perhaps men have different perspectives. I just left my fiance for good, a little over a year ago and periodically when we made contact he'd still make comments to get me to respond to why I"really "left him, add if my reasons were a lie. I left him once before , for a week without telling him where i was out of i was with someone) but he convinced me to go back to him. I did, but regretted going back... Which is why I ended up sticking to the original plan eventually. Both times, my reason for leaving him was not to be with another man.I left for other reasons, which are in my thread if you're interested in ever reading it. Lss, his temper, his jealousy and his controlling ways that he refused to admit or get help for. He had always been suspicious of so many things, including even men at my workplace. As a female yes, men do flirt with us when we're alone and even when we're with a guy sometimes, but I'm not phased by it. My ex-fiance asked why I wanted us to break up, but he always says it didn't make sense as if I had other reasons. He was suspicious by nature... I've been dumped so to speak subtly, once about 5 years ago while in a long distance relationship. The guy said he was actually living with someone, but they were just giving each other respect to never bring anyone else home... I took it upon myself to say well "why are you even here with me? You shouldn't come here anymore. "He slowly agreed then acted as if he were about to cry... For what? I don't freaking know... He was just an idiot i guess and it wasn't even worth writing about here in loveshack. He never told me about living with someone until about a year or so of us seeing each other. We were off/on and didn't talk exclusivity but It did hurt a bit, but it over it pretty fast compared to my last situation... (And " I"was the dumper....) Anyhoo,If he said he just needed space to be alone i think I'd always wonder what "the real reason" was and I think it would have hurt even more... --->>>Fast forward: perhaps this thread will help me to re-phrase or respond to men or even my ex (if he ever asked again about the reason) when discussing why I left or if I just need space. I'm interested in finding out whether people (especially men), feel better if a woman said they were leaving you to be alone or to be with someone? Or does it even matter to you? 1
LovelyJoey Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 I'm sorry for your last break up but it's really good that you've moved on and are strong and overcame it! To answer your question though, as to someone who just recently got left with no reason given, I would like to know. There is a trade off of more pain of knowing, but I believe it's worth it just for the sake of knowing and future reference I suppose. Have a wonderful night and take care, life is not to be wasted being sad, but being happy! 1
Author thespacey1 Posted April 5, 2016 Author Posted April 5, 2016 Thanks lovelyjoey. I understand where you're coming from. How long ago was your break up? Some people just prefer to not know or ask too many questions. Then though, you end up just wondering I feel... Everybody is different. 1
kztar Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 So I recently got dumped by the person who I thought was the "one" which looking at it, I would have been miserable with him long term but WHATEVER. He claimed he fell out of love with me for all these little reasons he never really stated, EVER in the relationship. His reason was that I was the perfect girl and he didn't know how to break up with me because I was so PERFECT and he just fell out of love. He didn't understand why he had those feelings. No REAL explanation. Everything I asked, he didn't know. I asked IS THERE SOMEONE ELSE ?. His answer was NO, but I has suspicions. Two months post breakup he's the happiest man on earth with a new official girlfriend. Meaning there WAS a reason and that was this girl like I suspected. Most cases like this, there is almost ALWAYS a third party on the radar. I've seen it all over LS and clearly personal experience. To cut the story short, I am a firm believer of always saying the truth even if it hurts. The dumpee can move on and not have all these unanswered questions. You know, you move on and call it a day. That hope is dead from day 1 and there's no looking back. I see alot of people on LS say don't give too many details on the reasons. As a dumpee that does not help at all. It just makes you become annoying because you KNOW the dumper has answers but for some reason they don't want to be honest and give you vague answers. Then a few months later you find out the real reasons from someone else and you are slowly resurfacing those feelings AGAIN. You're now back one or two steps in the healing process. 3
PegNosePete Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 Or does it even matter to you? Not one bit. If the relationship is over, then it's over, whether there's someone else or not is irrelevant. Why do you feel the need to answer your ex? He is your EX. You have no obligation to answer his questions or appease his ruminations. Just NC him and move on... 1
LovelyJoey Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 Well it wasn't a break up, but a girl who I thought was possibly girlfriend material, and it was online (I know :/ I'm young) I made forums about it but their a bit long so long story short, I got left by a girl I was in love with, she laughed when I told her. I met a new girl back in January who gave me a will to live again (I know what I'm worth now and I don't need her despite a lot of pain still) and told her all my problems, including how the first girl left me. She always said she'd never leave, and every day we'd talk, we weren't in a relationship but it sure in hell felt like the best thing ever, then one day, she starts to ignore me, then her friend started to ignore me, then they un added me on skype, and she's left now, like a total change in person, it's not like them at all, nothing bad at all happened and even if I begged again like the first girl... to tell me what's wrong hoping I can fix it cause it just happened out of the blue, I know the girl and even her friend wouldn't have ignored me and she'd always tell me to go to her, as we'd help each other with our problems and I was feeling pretty bad, but I know I'll be okay thank you though.
LovelyJoey Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 Sorry I got into telling the story, this happened 2 weeks ago, and again it might've not been a relationship and may seem silly, but I get too emotionally attached to people and, well, these girls gave me all the reasons to, especially this one, it was like everything was perfect, she'd treat me so special as I did with her, talk every day until one day I guess she decided not to and I really can't help but feel it's my fault, sorry it seems I'm making this forum about me now xD either way thank you though and I know I'll be fine.
LovelyJoey Posted April 6, 2016 Posted April 6, 2016 I also wanted to add that what peg said is true, at the end of the day the relationship is off, he will be alright and get over it with time just as we all need to. I don't think it really matters that deeply to the core, it can leave us wondering but I believe we'll feel still just as sad as knowing the issue or not, perhaps. Just personally I'd like to know but otherwise, wouldn't worry about it too much. Everything will be fine concerning both you and him. Stay strong and have a wonderful day! 1
Author thespacey1 Posted April 6, 2016 Author Posted April 6, 2016 Not one bit. If the relationship is over, then it's over, whether there's someone else or not is irrelevant. Why do you feel the need to answer your ex? He is your EX. You have no obligation to answer his questions or appease his ruminations. Just NC him and move on... Thanks for the response pegnosepete. I actually don't feel obligated to answer him. He's honestly had not been contacting me much. And I probably ruminate more than him, even though I was the dumper... Sometimes I just feel guilty. Plus, this has been THE most difficult breakup for me ever. So I wonder if I should have given him more explicit reasons and/or chances to fix things.
Author thespacey1 Posted April 6, 2016 Author Posted April 6, 2016 Not one bit. If the relationship is over, then it's over, whether there's someone else or not is irrelevant. Why do you feel the need to answer your ex? He is your EX. You have no obligation to answer his questions or appease his ruminations. Just NC him and move on... And, I have moved on so to speak, but not so much. I've gone out with a few other guys but I was into them... So I didn't even allow myself to get very attracted. I think my ex-fiance may have moved on better than me. Before or breakup he made the comment, "(spacey, you should be all trying extra hard to win me over at this point because this is what YOU want... !" But I never Brant over backwards to appease him or beg him back or anything... Not then and not be. I am however, suffering in silence. I miss him in ways you probably don't understand.I know that I have low tolerance for some of our fundamental differences. I haven't told him, but I've been in serious pain since our breakup. I'm not the same person I used to be. Depression had kicked in and I'm just not the same....
PegNosePete Posted April 6, 2016 Posted April 6, 2016 And, I have moved on so to speak, but not so much. I've gone out with a few other guys but I was into them... People often assume moving on means dating others, but actually it simply means not being emotionally bound to the old relationship any more. It's not necessary to date others to move on. I am however, suffering in silence. I miss him in ways you probably don't understand.I know that I have low tolerance for some of our fundamental differences. I haven't told him, but I've been in serious pain since our breakup. Good that you haven't told him. There's nothing to say to him any more. The relationship is over. The less you talk to him, the quicker your wounds will heal and you will move on.
someguy87 Posted April 7, 2016 Posted April 7, 2016 Why do you feel the need to answer your ex? He is your EX. You have no obligation to answer his questions or appease his ruminations. Just NC him and move on... But if your ex treated you fairly well and asked you to be straight up with him/her about why you're breaking up with them, why not tell them the truth? it seems like you're trying to avoid looking like the bad guy/girl by not being truthful with him/her. 1
Author thespacey1 Posted April 7, 2016 Author Posted April 7, 2016 But if your ex treated you fairly well and asked you to be straight up with him/her about why you're breaking up with them, why not tell them the truth? it seems like you're trying to avoid looking like the bad guy/girl by not being truthful with him/her. Hey someguy87. I think it's only fair to give an ex, an explanation if they ask and if they haven't been horrible to you all through the relationship. Not sure if you were the dumper or dumpee... Ultimately it's up to each individual anyway. There's no right or wrong way to respond if someone wants to know why they were broken up with... I think they deserve some explanation though,especially if you never gave them any clue... I take the responses here that I can use and when I don't agree I leave it alone in this forum. Each of us has an opinion and that's all it is. I'm not discounting anyone's post but it's almost funny how people respond as if they are the authority on a given topic or as if they know about every nuance of our relationships. I gave a few details of my relationship as an small example. Feel free to give examples... But also be aware that some people are aggressive posters and they needn't be. We're all here to vent mostly... Not to be told what to do. This thread asks posters for their own preferences.
PegNosePete Posted April 7, 2016 Posted April 7, 2016 But if your ex treated you fairly well and asked you to be straight up with him/her about why you're breaking up with them, why not tell them the truth? Indeed. I would have told the truth when I did the break-up speech. There would be no need for further clarification at a later stage. Why would my EX need to get into contact with me to ask about the break-up if I've already been truthful? If they don't believe me it's their own problem, not mine. it seems like you're trying to avoid looking like the bad guy/girl by not being truthful with him/her. Looking like... to who? Your EX? Who cares what you look like to your EX or what your EX thinks of you? 2
Author thespacey1 Posted April 7, 2016 Author Posted April 7, 2016 (edited) It's not necessary to date others to move on. Correction,, .."dated other guys, but I was NOT into them..." Nothing serious because I was soooo not into then. Also, we both started seeing other people. Not sure what his status is now. We haven't had the conversation in almost 6-7 months roughly. Sorry Edited April 7, 2016 by thespacey1
someguy87 Posted April 8, 2016 Posted April 8, 2016 Hey someguy87. I think it's only fair to give an ex, an explanation if they ask and if they haven't been horrible to you all through the relationship. Not sure if you were the dumper or dumpee... Ultimately it's up to each individual anyway. There's no right or wrong way to respond if someone wants to know why they were broken up with... I think they deserve some explanation though,especially if you never gave them any clue... I take the responses here that I can use and when I don't agree I leave it alone in this forum. Each of us has an opinion and that's all it is. I'm not discounting anyone's post but it's almost funny how people respond as if they are the authority on a given topic or as if they know about every nuance of our relationships. I gave a few details of my relationship as an small example. Feel free to give examples... But also be aware that some people are aggressive posters and they needn't be. We're all here to vent mostly... Not to be told what to do. This thread asks posters for their own preferences. Hey thespacey1, Yea I definitely agree that there is no right or wrong way to go about it as everyone's situation's is different. Even my question was based on assumptions that the dumpee treated the dumper well. In my case I was the dumpee and I have ruminated over the past 6 months since our breakup as to whether she was truthful in telling me there was no one else. But in regards to your main question, I'm not sure which one I'd prefer. If she left to be alone, I'd probabaly be stuck trying to win her back since I know there is no one else in the picture. But if she left me for someone else, then I know there was no chance so I wouldn't attempt to win her back, however I'd question my worth alot more as well as compare myself to the person she left me for. In the end, I guess I just want the truth haha. Indeed. I would have told the truth when I did the break-up speech. There would be no need for further clarification at a later stage. Why would my EX need to get into contact with me to ask about the break-up if I've already been truthful? If they don't believe me it's their own problem, not mine. Looking like... to who? Your EX? Who cares what you look like to your EX or what your EX thinks of you? It looks like we're in agreement. My question was more directed towards those who would knowingly withhold the truth for whatever reason. 1
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