katiegrl Posted April 4, 2016 Posted April 4, 2016 (edited) Depends on the relationship. Sometimes a week, other times two. Sometimes a few weeks apart and the Gf can be pestering and petulant, then that can grow into a few more weeks, you know? There you're really testing the limit. I think it's part of my Aquarius nature? Heh heh. My most regretful mancave was when I was 17. I dated a girl for the first time and I didn't know what I was doing. She was older than me by a few years, and she was straight from China - very very clingy. I liked the attention and that she needed me. Exams were looming at I was freaking out. I told her I needed time to focus on my studies or I'll eff my life up. She understood, for about a day. Next day she started calling again, and again and again. I grew angry that she wasn't respecting my mancave rule. Eventually I stopped picking up the phone. She had the audacity to come to my parents house unannounced to see me. Soon I got my parents to say I wasn't in, or I was unavailable. The calls persisted and I felt utterly disrespected. After my exams my family and I flew abroad for summer vacation. as I was so angry at my gf I just sent her 1 text to say I was going. After a month I returned to see almost 25 answer messages on my family landline. They were a combination of her asking for me politely, angrily shouting, her friends pretending to call through, all sorts. Needless to say we had already broken up, in my mind. I called her back for an explanation, and she told me her mother died during my exam time, and that as she was relatively alone in a foreign country, she needed to rely on me. I felt bad. Anyway, this is an example of how a perfectly good mancave was ruined by the girl. She made me retreat further an further into my cave to escape her neediness. Well first off she souds a bit psycho, so perhaps you should have just ended it. But IMO the scenario as you described above (disappearing in excess of ONE MONTH) is not "mancaving." That is flat out ghosting and that is rude, and would indicate, at least to me and most women, that you don't give a crap. If a woman is too clingy for you, then for the love of god, just end it. Edited April 4, 2016 by katiegrl 4
kismetkismet Posted April 4, 2016 Posted April 4, 2016 I read your posts again and your bf sounds so much like my ex including the depression. I think the problem was that he wasn't in a place mentally where he COULD share his life with me or anyone - he is still single. He struggles with depression a bit and becomes really hard on himself when work is tough, but what it came down to with the mancaving was that he didn't want to/couldn't share his life with me, and he didn't think that he should have to be responsible for how I felt to any degree. Even if that meant just reassuring me that he still loved me but needed to just hermit for a while. It was basically a 'take it or leave it' situation where he could be as hot and cold as he liked without any explanation and I felt like my feelings didn't matter.. I think that because it's such a fine line between taking space, and being selfish and disrespectful it's really hard to see the difference - especially when they're essentially good guys the way my ex was. He makes a good friend, but was not a good boyfriend. Being in a relationship means that you have an effect on one another.. That you are responsible for some of their feelings to a certain degree, and if you want to stay with them, you should want to look after those feelings that you're responsible for. That doesn't mean you have to do exactly what the other person wants or that you can't take space, but you do need to communicate with each other about expectations and needs.. Dramatic changes in behaviour with no explanation very naturally communicates to the withdrawee that something is wrong (even if it's not to do with them). To just ignore that it might hurt them is unkind and shows a lack of respect for your feelings and the relationship.
yololin Posted April 4, 2016 Posted April 4, 2016 Yea in hindsight I didn't really like her. Just first relationship stuff. I was a student focusing on exams.
Author ilovemefirst Posted April 4, 2016 Author Posted April 4, 2016 Hes been great for most part of the relationship. I can accept the needing space, but i wont accept the ghosting. It is important to me to communicate your need for space. I have never not understood when he needed time to think or reflect on his life. I know that i have never smothered him to the point where hes needed the space. I have my own things going for myself, so that takes up alot of my time and energy. When we do talk by the end of the day, its nice to destress. What i do not understand is, how he gets so close to the point he talks about the future and when hes in need of space, well i feel like he doesnt remember me. Its scary, but i have to decide weather he is the one for me or not. I still have no responded to his messsages yet, because i am not sure i want to fight with him. I want to talk to him calmly. Lets see how it goes. He has been messaging quite a bit today. 1
preraph Posted April 4, 2016 Posted April 4, 2016 It would be nice if he could have explained his cave thing in advance of doing it to you, but sounds like he's no good at that or just doesn't care if you like it or not. You be the judge. To me it just sounds like he may be needing more space than he's getting. I need space a lot (single, so) so I understand it. But it's rude not to prepare someone in some way for it. A person who likes a lot of alone time is easily overwhelmed by someone wanting "in" all the time. I know I am. So yes, when he needs space, that is the very last time you want to go pestering him about it and asking if he's okay and all that. He just needs a break from things and you and everyone else more frequently than some. Do you take that into consideration before you marry and go having babies with him? Yes. Probably he's the guy who spends an extra hour at the office to avoid the chaos and being pulled on at home when he just wants to retreat. Problem is once you have kids, no one gets to retreat, and you will be wanting it more than anyone and it will seem very unfair if he gets to and you don't. So yes, take all that into consideration. But as long as he's treating you like a queen when he's not checked out, it's not the worst thing. Probably you should use some of that time for your friends and family so you get something out of it yourself. 1
kismetkismet Posted April 4, 2016 Posted April 4, 2016 Have you asked him to communicate with you better about it and he still isn't doing that? Like does he know very clearly that that is what you want? I think at first I avoided communicating it clearly enough because I didn't want to start a fight over something that didn't seem to major the first time it happened. It's one thing if he doesn't understand what you need, and another if he knows what you need and isn't willing to try.
kismetkismet Posted April 4, 2016 Posted April 4, 2016 I agree with Preraph - the problem isn't necessarily the space but the communication. The not knowing why their behaviour has suddenly changed and wondering whether it's to do with your relationship. In my situation it was more a need to feel secure than needing to actually SEE him more.
katiegrl Posted April 4, 2016 Posted April 4, 2016 Hes been great for most part of the relationship. I can accept the needing space, but i wont accept the ghosting. It is important to me to communicate your need for space. I have never not understood when he needed time to think or reflect on his life. I know that i have never smothered him to the point where hes needed the space. I have my own things going for myself, so that takes up alot of my time and energy. When we do talk by the end of the day, its nice to destress. What i do not understand is, how he gets so close to the point he talks about the future and when hes in need of space, well i feel like he doesnt remember me. Its scary, but i have to decide weather he is the one for me or not. I still have not responded to his messsages yet, because i am not sure i want to fight with him. I want to talk to him calmly. Lets see how it goes. He has been messaging quite a bit today. Well now you are doing to HIM what he has done to you. Except you are essentially punishing him, whereas he was needing space. I know you don't think so but that is what it looks like. Why don't you message back that you have received all his messages and will respond back after you have things figured out as his disappearing acts are very hurtful. That is what I would do, IMO it's not right to leave him hanging. Treat people how YOU want to be treated. 1
Saracena Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 Although, being honest, almost every time I've had some time alone, my gf at that time would be furious, wondering if I've changed my mind on the relationship, or gone cold or potentially cheating. I will come back from my own personal vacation and I have a **** storm to deal with. Of all my GFs, only one was totally cool and understanding. And I realised with her that I didn't need my own time. I didn't need to tailor myself around her because she let me be myself and she loved me for it. She lives in my memory with much fondness because of it. You could hardly blame them, though. I wonder how you'd have reacted if the shoe were on the other foot? In my experience, most reasonable women would be fine with granting space- I know I certainly would since I've lots going on in my own life so the space would, in fact be welcome-provided the need is communicated. Even more important factor, is that quite a few women are not even aware of this male 'requirement'. I certainly wasn't until I read about it in the recent past.(Your girl sounds as if she may have) So if a guy just went AWOL on me I would just have assumed he wanted to end things and was ghosting! If someone posts on here about a bloke disappearing, this would invariably be the standard response. I know I wouldn't be happy either to welcome him with open arms when he returned at some point! I've only recently read about the intimacy cycle which is more or less what you've described in your case. I'm also wondering if certain personality types are more prone to needing space/caving? I would imagine more introverted guys but have no idea if this is truly the case. Be interested to get guys comments on this. 3
Cinnamonstix Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 OP, I like your attitude about all of this (not doormatty), but I agree with another poster that you should at least respond and tell him you need time to process things. It's giving out what you are asking for - communication. 1
Cinnamonstix Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 Of all my GFs, only one was totally cool and understanding. And I realised with her that I didn't need my own time. I didn't need to tailor myself around her because she let me be myself and she loved me for it. She lives in my memory with much fondness because of it. I think this has a lot of truth to it. I find I need less space with people that I can be myself and not have to talk a lot. So really, the amount of space I need varies from relationship to relationship. Normally, I need to get away from most people after hanging out with them for a bit. But I don't have a lot of need for space with my bf. We just get on so well and understand each other like no other. I'm also wondering if certain personality types are more prone to needing space/caving? I would imagine more introverted guys but have no idea if this is truly the case. Be interested to get guys comments on this. My bf is introverted and so am I. Normally we both need space from other people, but not from each other. But I'm sure that introverts need more space from other people in general. They need to recharge after socializing and being "on." But when you're comfortable with someone, it's not draining because you don't have to be "on." 2
Author ilovemefirst Posted April 5, 2016 Author Posted April 5, 2016 Thanks for all your advice. I have not been pressuring him to talk. I have taken a major step back and now he wants to talk. So now when he messaged me, i felt like i was not ready to talk. I want to not message him for a few days, so that we can both get that space and then talk. I also am feeling a bit resentful because of him not communicating to me before hand. I really am not sure what i am going to do, but i think i just need a few days to think
hippychick3 Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 Thanks for all your advice. I have not been pressuring him to talk. I have taken a major step back and now he wants to talk. So now when he messaged me, i felt like i was not ready to talk. I want to not message him for a few days, so that we can both get that space and then talk. I also am feeling a bit resentful because of him not communicating to me before hand. I really am not sure what i am going to do, but i think i just need a few days to think I think if that's what you need right now, take it. You don't owe him an immediate reply if you're not ready to give one. 1
Author ilovemefirst Posted April 5, 2016 Author Posted April 5, 2016 True, i didnt want to play games. In no way am i trying to punish him. I am just feeling resentful. I ended up responding and told him that i just need some time to think.He panicked and started messaging again.. And yes, i have communicated this to him VERY clearly. I told him that if he needs space, please tell me. I will understand. But do not just disappear. He said he wanted to change and that he would make an effort. He did it again. But what bothers me is, it seems like a push pull thing and to me thats so unhealthy! 1
Author ilovemefirst Posted April 5, 2016 Author Posted April 5, 2016 Well now you are doing to HIM what he has done to you. Except you are essentially punishing him, whereas he was needing space. I know you don't think so but that is what it looks like. Why don't you message back that you have received all his messages and will respond back after you have things figured out as his disappearing acts are very hurtful. That is what I would do, IMO it's not right to leave him hanging. Treat people how YOU want to be treated. Agreed, and i believe in " treat others the way you want to be treated". I was not sure what to even respond. But i did end up responding that i needed some time. And well, it bothers him. I honestly feel myself drifting away, but all i need is sometime to figure out things. Hes done this before and he knows how i feel about it. Lets see what happens. I am trying to put all my focus on bettering myself and working towards my future goals.
OnlyHonesty Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 Just to clear things up..i do not chase him. I do feel neglected but give him space. I ask him once what is up, and his answers are not very clear. Its okay with me for him to take his space, but i much rather he tell me he needs the space. I am not a mind reader, and a few days can go up to a week or so. This is starting to make me feel as though i do not matter. I love my space as well, but i communicate that when i need it. I do not just go houdini on him, like he does to me. Anyways, i havent decided if i am going to break up or not, but i have certainly decided to let it go. I am going to focus more on me. He has been calling quite a bit, and ive told him i need some time to think..he is blowing up my phone. Why is it that when he needs his space, i have to give it to him, but when i need time ..he wont give me any? This sounds like some of the signs of being emotionally unavailable. You should take a look at the book 'Mr Unavailable & The Fallback Girl' Read that site and I guarantee you will notice some of the behavior. In some cases it is simply a guy needing space but in many cases it may be something else. 1
katiegrl Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 This sounds like some of the signs of being emotionally unavailable. You should take a look at the book 'Mr Unavailable & The Fallback Girl' Read that site and I guarantee you will notice some of the behavior. In some cases it is simply a guy needing space but in many cases it may be something else. OP said he only does this once every few months though. So 3-4 times a year. The rest of the time he is awesome. I think this is just extreme caving, but he needs to communicate that with her before he caves. 1
Author ilovemefirst Posted April 5, 2016 Author Posted April 5, 2016 OP said he only does this once every few months though. So 3-4 times a year. The rest of the time he is awesome. I think this is just extreme caving, but he needs to communicate that with her before he caves. Yeah, if he did this often, i'd be LONG gone! lol
Author ilovemefirst Posted October 25, 2016 Author Posted October 25, 2016 Im back on loveshack, thought id give an update to my situation. I had the talk with him finally and i told him i could not do this any longer. I said i felt like his need for space was not the issue, but his disappearing act. I told himm that i felt like i deserved better and that i would have understood had he told me he wanted space. He said he was very sorry and that the space gave him time to think. He said he realized he took me for granted and that he wanted one more chance to prove to me that he was willing to commuicate better. I gave him another chance and well since april till now hes been great. Hes been more open now and when he feels down, he talks to me. I appreciate the change and well he asked my friend for my ring size, so i have a feeling a proposal is on its way! I have to say ive grown alot since then and im really grateful that i have more strength now, than i did back then!
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