ilovemefirst Posted April 4, 2016 Posted April 4, 2016 Ok, I've been dating a guy for about 2 years, who goes into his " cave" every few months. My natural instinct is to try and get closer and closer and he pulls away far..but the moment i just let i go ( really let it go)...he comes back running..I think this is the last straw for me..not sure if i will take him back this time...anyone experience this? Please share some stories! Guys also please share, to help me understand this a bit more. Thanks
basil67 Posted April 4, 2016 Posted April 4, 2016 I was with a guy like that for a while. I would never do it again. While I understand that guys need to process stuff in their own time, there is no excuse for withdrawing and otherwise being an unsociable arse while they've got a problem. 5
SherryEast Posted April 4, 2016 Posted April 4, 2016 I have experienced it and I can't say that tolerating was worth it... it wasn't. 2
katiegrl Posted April 4, 2016 Posted April 4, 2016 How long is he in his cave? It is probably hard to say, since you keep interrupting his cave time by chasing him.. And as a result he needs to stay in there longer. Try leaving him alone as soon as he goes in, and see how long he stays in there. Anything longer than a day or two, is not good! If you keep leaving him alone though, cave time gets shorter and shorter till he does not need cave time at all! My experience! 3
carhill Posted April 4, 2016 Posted April 4, 2016 Guys also please share, to help me understand this a bit more. If consistent and without clear impetus or communication, I'd opine attachment style issue. A look at his FOO (family) probably would lend clues. Watch how they interact. Also, take a look at how he and his best male friend interact.
Author ilovemefirst Posted April 4, 2016 Author Posted April 4, 2016 Well, he messages me everyday, but the day he doesnt message, i know something is wrong...so i message him..and well hes a bit aloof...i give it a day or so, dont hear anything from him, and then i ask him whats wrong. He doesnt give he a clear answer, just says hes stressed. I give him space and he stays in his cave for few days...then thats when i panic and ask him what is wrong. I tell him to be honest with me and if he wants out , tell me.He says no he doesnt want out, he just feeling stressed and down. I try to get him to talk, but he deals better by retreating. He does not talk to anyone, and he goes into work mode. Then i finally just tell myself, forget it..and i focus on other things and do not chase him..thats when he comes back, but expects things to be hunky dorey. I guess i still have resentment when he does that. Not saying i dont respect his need for space, but to go on for days..without a word or a better explanation other than " stress"..i guess i feel neglected. I normally tell him, i understand, but i would like an honest response if he wants out or not. I rather know than just wonder. Ive been doing my own thing and well now hes been blowing up my phone. If i dont answer, well he calls the other lines and wants me to respond immediately. This is so unhealthy. Normally, when he is not in the cave, hes good to me. He does have alot of respect for me and treats me like a queen. But this is his biggest flaw, retreating for days when he needs space.
katiegrl Posted April 4, 2016 Posted April 4, 2016 (edited) Have you read the Mars/Venus books by John Gray? He explains exactly what is happening and why. Stop chasing him! He will come back sooner I promise! Like he said, he feels stressed and needs lone time. I am a women but I am the same! So I get it. My own dad was the same too.. No reflection on us (my mom, his family) at all. Edited April 4, 2016 by katiegrl
carhill Posted April 4, 2016 Posted April 4, 2016 What remains is do you want to have a committed intimate relationship with someone like this? Does it work for you and respect your intimacy and attachment style? This is the honeymoon period; his best behavior. It doesn't get any better than this. Different, sure. We all change. Right now, this is who he is. Does it work for you? Go with that.
hippychick3 Posted April 4, 2016 Posted April 4, 2016 Have you read the Mars/Venus books by John Gray? He explains exactly what is happening and why. Stop chasing him! He will come back sooner I promise! Like he said, he feels stressed and needs lone time. I am a women but I am the same! So I get it. My own dad was the same too.. No reflection on us (my mom, his family) at all. Regardless of why it is happening, the amount of cave time a woman is willing to tolerate is very individual. It's up to us to decide if it's acceptable to us. If not, it's an issue of incompatibility. I, personally, could never date anyone who would stay in their cave for more than a few hours. If my boyfriend decided to go into his cave and not communicate for a couple days, I would not be okay with this. Hence, I found someone who would never do this. BTDT and never again.... 2
Curiousroxy86 Posted April 4, 2016 Posted April 4, 2016 Well, he messages me everyday, but the day he doesnt message, i know something is wrong...so i message him..and well hes a bit aloof...i give it a day or so, dont hear anything from him, and then i ask him whats wrong. He doesnt give he a clear answer, just says hes stressed. I give him space and he stays in his cave for few days...then thats when i panic and ask him what is wrong. I tell him to be honest with me and if he wants out , tell me.He says no he doesnt want out, he just feeling stressed and down. I try to get him to talk, but he deals better by retreating. He does not talk to anyone, and he goes into work mode. Then i finally just tell myself, forget it..and i focus on other things and do not chase him..thats when he comes back, but expects things to be hunky dorey. I guess i still have resentment when he does that. Not saying i dont respect his need for space, but to go on for days..without a word or a better explanation other than " stress"..i guess i feel neglected. I normally tell him, i understand, but i would like an honest response if he wants out or not. I rather know than just wonder. Ive been doing my own thing and well now hes been blowing up my phone. If i dont answer, well he calls the other lines and wants me to respond immediately. This is so unhealthy. Normally, when he is not in the cave, hes good to me. He does have alot of respect for me and treats me like a queen. But this is his biggest flaw, retreating for days when he needs space. Well every guy has that one thing. I'm sure you have a one thing flaw too. You have to decide if you can accept the flaw or leave. You sound like you want to break up with him for it. That is your call. like Katie said That book man are from Mars women from Venus really does explain this which I thought you might already be familiar with the book by the title and word usage such as "man cave" and "rubberband". If I were in your situation AND don't believe he is doing any dirt while in the cave such as cheating AND it's not a constant thing then I wouldn't sweat it. His cave period is the perfect time to enjoy your own personal me time not even worrying about his behind. As soon as he acts aloof go Mia enjoying your life and let him come out of the dumps when he ready. Now if he is constantly in the unexplainable dumps or your getting cheating vibes I would definitely kick him to the curb. 1
yololin Posted April 4, 2016 Posted April 4, 2016 I'm a guy that retreats into my man cave at least once every relationship because I become addicted to my relationship. For me, I find that love and relationships can be overwhelming at times. When my rose tinted glasses have cleared and I realise that maybe I'm slacking in other areas of my life -eg. gym, work, friends and family, I begin appropriating more time away from my gf to those other areas. Usually my gf at the time will feel neglected, or think that I've gone hot to cold. This is one of the key areas that defines a great girl for me. A nagging girl that expects and demands my love and attention becomes a stress that pushes me further away from her. A girl that gets it will just be patient and independent - giving me the space I need to handle my stuff. 2
katiegrl Posted April 4, 2016 Posted April 4, 2016 (edited) I'm a guy that retreats into my man cave at least once every relationship because I become addicted to my relationship. For me, I find that love and relationships can be overwhelming at times. When my rose tinted glasses have cleared and I realise that maybe I'm slacking in other areas of my life -eg. gym, work, friends and family, I begin appropriating more time away from my gf to those other areas. Usually my gf at the time will feel neglected, or think that I've gone hot to cold. ---- **This is one of the key areas that defines a great girl for me. A nagging girl that expects and demands my love and attention becomes a stress that pushes me further away from her. A girl that gets it will just be patient and independent - giving me the space I need to handle my stuff. ^^Every woman in a RL with a man should cut and paste this to her fridge and read every day! Edited April 4, 2016 by katiegrl 1
Author ilovemefirst Posted April 4, 2016 Author Posted April 4, 2016 Just to clear things up..i do not chase him. I do feel neglected but give him space. I ask him once what is up, and his answers are not very clear. Its okay with me for him to take his space, but i much rather he tell me he needs the space. I am not a mind reader, and a few days can go up to a week or so. This is starting to make me feel as though i do not matter. I love my space as well, but i communicate that when i need it. I do not just go houdini on him, like he does to me. Anyways, i havent decided if i am going to break up or not, but i have certainly decided to let it go. I am going to focus more on me. He has been calling quite a bit, and ive told him i need some time to think..he is blowing up my phone. Why is it that when he needs his space, i have to give it to him, but when i need time ..he wont give me any?
Author ilovemefirst Posted April 4, 2016 Author Posted April 4, 2016 Yes i do panic, but i try not to show him i am panicking. I do not think he is cheating, he goes into work mode, but wont blink an eye in my direction and i guess that is what gets to me. Im just wondering other peoples experiences. Shuold i stay or should i go?
katiegrl Posted April 4, 2016 Posted April 4, 2016 (edited) Just to clear things up..i do not chase him. I do feel neglected but give him space. I ask him once what is up, and his answers are not very clear. Its okay with me for him to take his space, but i much rather he tell me he needs the space. I am not a mind reader, and a few days can go up to a week or so. This is starting to make me feel as though i do not matter. I love my space as well, but i communicate that when i need it. I do not just go houdini on him, like he does to me. Anyways, i havent decided if i am going to break up or not, but i have certainly decided to let it go. I am going to focus more on me. He has been calling quite a bit, and ive told him i need some time to think..he is blowing up my phone. Why is it that when he needs his space, i have to give it to him, but when i need time ..he wont give me any? Okay a week is unacceptable... even I, someone who needs a bit of space from time to time too, would never tolerate that! I thought he only took more than a few days because you kept contacting him seeking reassurance during that time, which will result in him needing MORE space. If I was wrong about that, which apparently I am, I apologize. Have you ever discussed with him (when he returns from cave) why he does this and how it makes you feel? Edited April 4, 2016 by katiegrl
Author ilovemefirst Posted April 4, 2016 Author Posted April 4, 2016 Okay a week is unacceptable... even I, someone who needs a bit of space from time to time too, would never tolerate that! I thought he only took more than a few days because you kept contacting him seeking reassurance during that time, which will result in HIM needing MORE space. If I was wrong about that, which apparently I am, I apologize. Have you ever discussed with him (when he returns from cave) why he does this and how it makes you feel? Thank you for your advice. No worries, i can see why you thought that..i did mention that my natural instinct was to get closer, but i did not..i waited a few days..still no concrete explanation. Well he did this to me last year a few times, but in the beginning it wouldnt go past 2 days. We always had good communication, but when he is stressed, theres no getting through to him. Last year was when it was the worst. He went 2 weeks without much word. That time, i did ask him more than once, because i honestly thought it was something i did to him. It was work stress again. I let it be and focused on me again. Then 2 weeks later, he came back expecting me to talk to him. I told him that i could not do this anymore and that i deserved better. He was persistent and kept coming back to me.We finally had the talk and he explained that he does not know why he gets like this , but he feels this sudden need to be alone and he says he gets depressed and everything around him seems dark. I told him that i understand, but i would like to know if he needs space, as i am not a mind reader. He said he was feeling better and was willing to work on his communication skills. i gave him another chance and he really did improve. We got closer and i knew everything that was going on in his life. Then this happened again. I guess, all i really wanted was him to tell me that he needed space, as opposed to me having to wonder wth is going on. I have alot of patience, but when we have already talked about this..why do it again. Communication is all i really asked for. U want your space, take it...but tell me! I love that we both have our own lives, but i do deserve that muych at least! I dunno anymore..
katiegrl Posted April 4, 2016 Posted April 4, 2016 Thank you for your advice. No worries, i can see why you thought that..i did mention that my natural instinct was to get closer, but i did not..i waited a few days..still no concrete explanation. Well he did this to me last year a few times, but in the beginning it wouldnt go past 2 days. We always had good communication, but when he is stressed, theres no getting through to him. Last year was when it was the worst. He went 2 weeks without much word. That time, i did ask him more than once, because i honestly thought it was something i did to him. It was work stress again. I let it be and focused on me again. Then 2 weeks later, he came back expecting me to talk to him. I told him that i could not do this anymore and that i deserved better. He was persistent and kept coming back to me.We finally had the talk and he explained that he does not know why he gets like this , but he feels this sudden need to be alone and he says he gets depressed and everything around him seems dark. I told him that i understand, but i would like to know if he needs space, as i am not a mind reader. He said he was feeling better and was willing to work on his communication skills. i gave him another chance and he really did improve. We got closer and i knew everything that was going on in his life. Then this happened again. --- **I guess, all i really wanted was him to tell me that he needed space, as opposed to me having to wonder wth is going on. I have alot of patience, but when we have already talked about this..why do it again. Communication is all i really asked for. U want your space, take it...but tell me! I love that we both have our own lives, but i do deserve that muych at least! I dunno anymore.. ^^This last paragraph -- tell him!! Be strong, be firm. Tell him if he is not willing or capable of doing this, at the very least, you have no choice but to leave the relationship, as heartbreaking as that would be. His behavior in this regard is just unacceptable, period. NOT the caving, but him just disappearing without a word. Be sure you stress that part. Be ready to walk away if it continues to happen. As I said, a day or two fine, but he should communicate that to you. But a week or longer? Even IF he communicated, that is just too long and IMO indicates a larger issue in the RL or with him. Good luck! 1
Author ilovemefirst Posted April 4, 2016 Author Posted April 4, 2016 ^^This last paragraph -- tell him!! Be strong, be firm. Tell him if he is not willing or capable of doing this, at the very least, you have no choice but to leave the relationship, as heartbreaking as that would be. His behavior in this regard is just unacceptable, period. NOT the caving, but him just disappearing without a word. Be sure you stress that part. Be ready to walk away if it continues to happen. As I said, a day or two fine, but he should communicate that to you. But a week or longer? Even IF he communicated, that is just too long and IMO indicates a larger issue in the RL or with him. Good luck! I have talked to him and said exactly that. He is only receptive when hes had his space, but a year later, hes done it again. So now, hes pretty much having a conversation by himself, because i havent responded to any messages yet. The last time he did this, i told him that i wont tolerate him just disappearing like that and that if he cannot be honest and communicate with me, then maybe this wont work. He apologized and asked for another chance. He screwed up, so now i need to think about it.
hippychick3 Posted April 4, 2016 Posted April 4, 2016 I have talked to him and said exactly that. He is only receptive when hes had his space, but a year later, hes done it again. So now, hes pretty much having a conversation by himself, because i havent responded to any messages yet. The last time he did this, i told him that i wont tolerate him just disappearing like that and that if he cannot be honest and communicate with me, then maybe this wont work. He apologized and asked for another chance. He screwed up, so now i need to think about it. This is who he is. We can't change people. When we try, the changes are only temporary. You either are okay with who he is or you aren't. It's your decision to make. I, personally, would not deal with that type of behavior again. I went through it with my ex for years. He never changed, at least not permanently. So now it would be a deal breaker. 2
Jejangles Posted April 4, 2016 Posted April 4, 2016 The type of relationship you are describing would not work for me personally. In fact it sounds controlling - he is willing to communicate only when he wants to, there is no give and take. It leaves you feeling like you have no say or power in the dynamic. I think you have been with him long enough to know this is how he is, he isn't going to change. So can this relationship work for you long term? It doesn't sound like it to me. 4
kismetkismet Posted April 4, 2016 Posted April 4, 2016 I dated a guy like that for 2 years and wouldn't do it again. I'm not saying that needing alone time is WRONG necessarily, but i found it incredibly hurtful and that retreat/aloofness showed itself elsewhere eventually as well. it was a sign - in my situation at least - that he wasn't really willing to share his life with me in the way i wanted. The fact that he didn't communicate about it with me (the way your bf seems to) made it that much worse. I was just so anxious all the time from it because i never knew exactly what was going on. I'm now with someone who would never do that and am happier than I've ever been. 3
AMJ Posted April 4, 2016 Posted April 4, 2016 I'm a guy that retreats into my man cave at least once every relationship because I become addicted to my relationship. For me, I find that love and relationships can be overwhelming at times. When my rose tinted glasses have cleared and I realise that maybe I'm slacking in other areas of my life -eg. gym, work, friends and family, I begin appropriating more time away from my gf to those other areas. Usually my gf at the time will feel neglected, or think that I've gone hot to cold. This is one of the key areas that defines a great girl for me. A nagging girl that expects and demands my love and attention becomes a stress that pushes me further away from her. A girl that gets it will just be patient and independent - giving me the space I need to handle my stuff. There's a big difference between needing personal time for the gym, work, hobbies, and your friends/family and OP's guy going silent for a week at a time. In the early stage of a relationship, it's one thing to need that much space. But after two years, he should be at the least communicating with you so you know what's going on. I think the cave/rubberbanding theories can be exaggerated sometimes to allow for really bad behavior. What OP's guy is doing is very selfish and controlling. 3
lericenciel Posted April 4, 2016 Posted April 4, 2016 When I feel like man caving, the last thing I want to do is give everybody notice and ask for permission first. I'm already saturated with loving contact, I'm smothered! I think sometimes people need some time to secretly escape the club, stand outside in the alley, one foot propped against the wall, cigarette in hand, admiring the stars, contemplating the universe alone - at least a few moments to yourself before your friends find you and you have to be ON again. Maybe it is a little selfish to just disappear, but it's not malicious. Although, being honest, almost every time I've had some time alone, my gf at that time would be furious, wondering if I've changed my mind on the relationship, or gone cold or potentially cheating. I will come back from my own personal vacation and I have a **** storm to deal with. Of all my GFs, only one was totally cool and understanding. And I realised with her that I didn't need my own time. I didn't need to tailor myself around her because she let me be myself and she loved me for it. She lives in my memory with much fondness because of it.
katiegrl Posted April 4, 2016 Posted April 4, 2016 When I feel like man caving, the last thing I want to do is give everybody notice and ask for permission first. I'm already saturated with loving contact, I'm smothered! I think sometimes people need some time to secretly escape the club, stand outside in the alley, one foot propped against the wall, cigarette in hand, admiring the stars, contemplating the universe alone - at least a few moments to yourself before your friends find you and you have to be ON again. Maybe it is a little selfish to just disappear, but it's not malicious. Although, being honest, almost every time I've had some time alone, my gf at that time would be furious, wondering if I've changed my mind on the relationship, or gone cold or potentially cheating. I will come back from my own personal vacation and I have a **** storm to deal with. Of all my GFs, only one was totally cool and understanding. And I realised with her that I didn't need my own time. I didn't need to tailor myself around her because she let me be myself and she loved me for it. She lives in my memory with much fondness because of it. Just out of curiosity, how much time did you need? I am definitely cool with a few days, but anything longer than that without communicating prior that he needs space, would not fly with me personally. For the record, I need space too! So I actually enjoyed these periods of lone time as well. Did you need up to a WEEK or longer to rejuvenate on your own? That is what the OP is dealing with. Again, just curious. 1
yololin Posted April 4, 2016 Posted April 4, 2016 Just out of curiosity, how much time did you need? I am definitely cool with a few days, but anything longer than that without communicating prior that he needs space, would not fly with me personally. For the record, I need space too! So I actually enjoyed these periods of lone time as well. Did you need up to a WEEK or longer to rejuvenate on your own? That is what the OP is dealing with. Again, just curious. Depends on the relationship. Sometimes a week, other times two. Sometimes a few weeks apart and the Gf can be pestering and petulant, then that can grow into a few more weeks, you know? There you're really testing the limit. I think it's part of my Aquarius nature? Heh heh. My most regretful mancave was when I was 17. I dated a girl for the first time and I didn't know what I was doing. She was older than me by a few years, and she was straight from China - very very clingy. I liked the attention and that she needed me. Exams were looming at I was freaking out. I told her I needed time to focus on my studies or I'll eff my life up. She understood, for about a day. Next day she started calling again, and again and again. I grew angry that she wasn't respecting my mancave rule. Eventually I stopped picking up the phone. She had the audacity to come to my parents house unannounced to see me. Soon I got my parents to say I wasn't in, or I was unavailable. The calls persisted and I felt utterly disrespected. After my exams my family and I flew abroad for summer vacation. as I was so angry at my gf I just sent her 1 text to say I was going. After a month I returned to see almost 25 answer messages on my family landline. They were a combination of her asking for me politely, angrily shouting, her friends pretending to call through, all sorts. Needless to say we had already broken up, in my mind. I called her back for an explanation, and she told me her mother died during my exam time, and that as she was relatively alone in a foreign country, she needed to rely on me. I felt bad. Anyway, this is an example of how a perfectly good mancave was ruined by the girl. She made me retreat further an further into my cave to escape her neediness.
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