LatinGoddess Posted June 16, 2005 Posted June 16, 2005 I am new here and very sad. My MM just ended our affair of two years a bit a couple of days ago. I have been with him even before he married this other woman and I was with him the entire time that he was married. He seemed to be in love with me, I gave him all he wanted and more, we had the best sex ever and he even told me that sex with me was a million times hotter and better than with his wife. She has some sort of sexual hangups. It is like pulling teeth to even get her to talk dirty to him. We went away on a trip out of town together for almost a week and spent a lot of time together, we returned home and he seemed to change on me. I told my husband I wanted a divorce. Not only did I want to leave my husband for my MM but also my husband was a huge jerk to me throughout the marriage. Now my MM is gone because I put up the ultimatum that he either leave his wife for me like I am my husband or he loses me forever. I knew that I was playing with fire but I didn't expect I would get burned and this has taught me a lesson. I just needed a place to vent and some suggestions on how to move on and get over this, I still have a daughter to take care of and a divorce to go through.
newbby Posted June 16, 2005 Posted June 16, 2005 this mm also sounds like a jerk, you need to get out of both relationships so that you can see clearly, it will take time and it will be painful, but you will see how independent and resourceful you can be when you are bringing up your daughter on your own and you will find somebody who isnt a jerk, or maybe you wont, but you will find yourself, you will be strong. ((hugs))
SweetSerenity Posted June 16, 2005 Posted June 16, 2005 Your now exMM does not sound like a jerk at all. What he sounds like is that he didn't want to leave his marriage the same way you left yours. You should have asked first and gotten his take on it all before you made the plunge to leave your marriage for this MM. This my friend is your fault. YOu shouldn't have left your marriage for another married person without having their take on things in hand. I think you made a bad decision. Now if your husband truly is a jerk towards you then yes you should get out anyhow but you sit there and you sound as if you want someone to feel sorry for you because 'oh he won't leave his wife for me', I don't feel sorry for you. You knew the stakes before you dove into an affair with this guy. I say the best thing for you to do is move on with your life, love your daughter, take care of her, and take care of you. At any rate, you placed yourself in the situation. No need in placing blame on the exMM. Goodluck
SweetSerenity Posted June 16, 2005 Posted June 16, 2005 Your now exMM does not sound like a jerk at all. What he sounds like is that he didn't want to leave his marriage the same way you left yours. You should have asked first and gotten his take on it all before you made the plunge to leave your marriage for this MM. This my friend is your fault. YOu shouldn't have left your marriage for another married person without having their take on things in hand. I think you made a bad decision. Now if your husband truly is a jerk towards you then yes you should get out anyhow but you sit there and you sound as if you want someone to feel sorry for you because 'oh he won't leave his wife for me', I don't feel sorry for you. You knew the stakes before you dove into an affair with this guy. I say the best thing for you to do is move on with your life, love your daughter, take care of her, and take care of you. At any rate, you placed yourself in the situation. No need in placing blame on the exMM. Goodluck
TUDOR Posted June 16, 2005 Posted June 16, 2005 Originally posted by LatinGoddess I am new here and very sad. My MM just ended our affair of two years a bit a couple of days ago. I have been with him even before he married this other woman and I was with him the entire time that he was married. He seemed to be in love with me, I gave him all he wanted and more, we had the best sex ever and he even told me that sex with me was a million times hotter and better than with his wife. She has some sort of sexual hangups. It is like pulling teeth to even get her to talk dirty to him. We went away on a trip out of town together for almost a week and spent a lot of time together, we returned home and he seemed to change on me. I told my husband I wanted a divorce. Not only did I want to leave my husband for my MM but also my husband was a huge jerk to me throughout the marriage. Now my MM is gone because I put up the ultimatum that he either leave his wife for me like I am my husband or he loses me forever. I knew that I was playing with fire but I didn't expect I would get burned and this has taught me a lesson. I just needed a place to vent and some suggestions on how to move on and get over this, I still have a daughter to take care of and a divorce to go through. Hi LatinGoddess and welcome. I don't think a finger can be pointed in either directions as to who is to blame for you getting burned. You were both playing with fire and no doubt he got burned as well. Sounds like a case where maybe the right two people met but just not at the right time in their lives. Affairs are complicated creatures and what may start out as fun and some one who is suddenly filling voids in your life and can feel like a god send, can quickly became a very tangled web. Do you think it was fair to ask your MM to leave his wife because you were ready to leave your husband? It sounds like you had other reasons with your hubby being a jerk and all to leave. Do you think that he too was unhappy at home besides his wive's sexual hangups and had reasons to leave? Maybe he wasn't as unhappy as you where but that you were still the spice of life for him that he wanted but still loved his wife. Asking some one to leave their spouse is a huge request no matter how in love with them you are or them with you. I do think he was wrong to try and have both, having your cake and eating it too never lasts. Hopefully he will focus on his marriage now and either find a way to make it work or leave just as you are. But I don't think you can blame him for trying to stick it out and make it work instead of just jumping ship for greener pastures. I hope for his sake though he did get burned as you did and learned his lesson. Most affairs don't start with both parties hoping that the other will leave their spouse and run away with them to live happily ever after. I think it started out for you because you were unhappy and your hubby was a jerk. For him sounds like he was looking for some attention because his wife was not very physical or his pace. What ever the reasons I'm sure it felt great and you were each getting to feel that little slice of heaven that you wanted in your marriage but weren't getting. The problem with this is it leaves you wanting more and with you both being married there is just no more to give. You were willing to leave your husband to get more but maybe as much as he wanted more he knew he had to do what was right for him and stay with his wife. Either way you have giving yourself a second chance at happiness and many people don't have the courage to do that. So kudos for you. But learn from getting burned and move on to find your happiness. I think rushing into another relationship or marraige with your MM right after divorcing would have been a mistake any way. You need to take some time for your self , reflect and just get back in touch with you! Take your time and do it right. I wish you the best of luck!
Guest Posted June 16, 2005 Posted June 16, 2005 I agree that MM is not behaving as a jerk. There is a jerk acting-out in this scenario but it ain't him!
newbby Posted June 17, 2005 Posted June 17, 2005 so a guy that SAYS "my wife does do sexy things like you do babe, you really do it for me cos you do this and my wife doesnt...." isnt manipulating a woman into doing sexual things with him? i bet his wife was fine in the bedroom too. this guy who leads this ow to believe that he has feelings for her, but when she says well lets make it more of a commitment then, scarpers, is not a jerk???? i know there are two people here who had an affair, but sounds to me like latin goddess really had feelings for him and was being treated badly by her husband and wanted an escape, i am not saying she went about this the right way, she didnt. its not fair on the husband jerk or not, to be lied to, however this mom (married other man) sounds like a jerk to me. latin goddess i adviseyou to think carefully about this divorce, are you sure that your husband is a bad as you thought, sometimes people convince themselves that the current spouse is no good to justify an affair, not conciously of course. as for the mom, forget him.
Author LatinGoddess Posted June 17, 2005 Author Posted June 17, 2005 Tudor and others, My MM told me he loved me. We shared so much on that trip out of town and I really thought he meant what he said. Now in hindsight I look back and he probably would have said anything to get laid. He has a very boring wife and a not so good home life. His wife is in school and he is at home basically every night along. I don't get him. He said he loved me, shared all these other feelings with me and then when it comes time to make a move he clams up. To me thats not fair and I think he mislead me a lot and I'm kind of really angry at him. I have played with the idea of maybe telling his wife, but then again given my current situation and the divorce I'm about to go through I'm not so sure that would be wise because the infidelity would come out and I could lose my daughter. However after my divorce I may very well tell his wife. I don't think he was fair to me at all. I think he used me. I still love him and think the world of him, I told him the other day I still want to be friends. I just want him but he doesn't seem like he's willing to meet me halfway the way I was for him and I won't stand for that. I gave him a lot of my life and was willing to do anything he wanted and he took full advantage of that and last night I thought everything out and I'm not going to stand for it. Some changes will be made.
TUDOR Posted June 17, 2005 Posted June 17, 2005 Originally posted by LatinGoddess Tudor and others, My MM told me he loved me. We shared so much on that trip out of town and I really thought he meant what he said. Now in hindsight I look back and he probably would have said anything to get laid. He has a very boring wife and a not so good home life. His wife is in school and he is at home basically every night along. I don't get him. He said he loved me, shared all these other feelings with me and then when it comes time to make a move he clams up. To me thats not fair and I think he mislead me a lot and I'm kind of really angry at him. I have played with the idea of maybe telling his wife, but then again given my current situation and the divorce I'm about to go through I'm not so sure that would be wise because the infidelity would come out and I could lose my daughter. However after my divorce I may very well tell his wife. I don't think he was fair to me at all. I think he used me. I still love him and think the world of him, I told him the other day I still want to be friends. I just want him but he doesn't seem like he's willing to meet me halfway the way I was for him and I won't stand for that. I gave him a lot of my life and was willing to do anything he wanted and he took full advantage of that and last night I thought everything out and I'm not going to stand for it. Some changes will be made. Do you really believe this MM had no feelings for you and it was all about just getting laid? You sound like a smart woman and there must have been some thing there for you to allow yourself to love him and take the risks you did. You have ever right to be dissapointed and hurt that he was not ready to take the leap like you are and leave his spouse but how can you be angry with him? If you truly love this guy why you would you go after him and try to destroy his marriage? Do you think he will come running to you if you she finds out and you cause him so much grief? I think you have learned your lesson and now it is time to move on. Don't waste time being angry and plotting ways to ruin some one's life just because you didn't get you way. One thing to keep in mind is that sex is not all the hard to come by and if that is all he wanted I don't know that the risk of f*cking a married woman with a child would be his number one pick. I guess I see this pattern after affairs don't work out. The person that feels they got the short end of the stick all the sudden wants to bad mouth the other person. I think you said 2 years this affair lasted. So now after you didn't get what you wanted this guy is all the sudden a jerk and last two years was all a lie, etc, etc. Now who is not being fair. I think you are angry and hurt but the best way to get past this is to just move on. Focus on the future, your daughter and your happiness. You can't let all these negative vibes of vengeance and settling the score get in way of that. You said your self you knew you were playing with fire and yes you did get burned. So what changes can you make that will change that? You can't, if you are going to make any changes then make them positive ones and get back on the road to being happy. I do have one question for you, did this MM ask you to divorce your husband or is that something you did on your own and hoped he would do the same?
westernxer Posted June 17, 2005 Posted June 17, 2005 Originally posted by LatinGoddess My MM told me he loved me. Married men are notorious for saying things like this.
newbby Posted June 17, 2005 Posted June 17, 2005 One thing to keep in mind is that sex is not all the hard to come by and if that is all he wanted I don't know that the risk of f*cking a married woman with a child would be his number one pick. I guess I see this pattern after affairs don't work out. The person that feels they got the short end of the stick all the sudden wants to bad mouth the other person. I think you said 2 years this affair lasted. So now after you didn't get what you wanted this guy is all the sudden a jerk and last two years was all a lie, etc, etc. Now who is not being fair. I think you are angry and hurt but the best way to get past this is to just move on. Focus on the future, your daughter and your happiness. You can't let all these negative vibes of vengeance and settling the score get in way of that. You said your self you knew you were playing with fire and yes you did get burned. So what changes can you make that will change that? You can't, if you are going to make any changes then make them positive ones and get back on the road to being happy. i agree with this, when i said he was a jerk i didnt mean he was a complete a-hole, just like most mm. but you see women are far less scared of change. this mm may love you, but having to change his whole lifefor you, thats another matter. think about men in relationships, they generally go with the flow, if their lives seem easy enough with the relationship they carry on, they may pursue women etc but they dont actually create havoc in their lives over relationships like women tend to do. mm have an affair if they see it working without affecting their lives, if it looks like it is going to upset anything else, they run away. i bet though, if you leave him be, he will miss you and come running back and then you will be in the dilemma most women here are in. do you carry on and put up with the fact that he will very unlikely leave her for you, living in rapidly fading hope? the thing is he doesnt sound happy in his marriage, most of these mm arent, but will they disrupt their lives?
TUDOR Posted June 17, 2005 Posted June 17, 2005 Originally posted by newbby i agree with this, when i said he was a jerk i didnt mean he was a complete a-hole, just like most mm. but you see women are far less scared of change. this mm may love you, but having to change his whole lifefor you, thats another matter. think about men in relationships, they generally go with the flow, if their lives seem easy enough with the relationship they carry on, they may pursue women etc but they dont actually create havoc in their lives over relationships like women tend to do. mm have an affair if they see it working without affecting their lives, if it looks like it is going to upset anything else, they run away. i bet though, if you leave him be, he will miss you and come running back and then you will be in the dilemma most women here are in. do you carry on and put up with the fact that he will very unlikely leave her for you, living in rapidly fading hope? the thing is he doesnt sound happy in his marriage, most of these mm arent, but will they disrupt their lives? I agree newbby, married men don't leave their wives near as much as married woman leaves there husband. That is statistical fact. I think the MM will miss her and maybe she needs to make a clean break. LatinGoddess you will never be truly happy if you are holding on to the hope that he will follow you down your road and maybe leave his wife. You have to do what is best for you now and move on. If later down the road he does leave his wife and you truly loved this man as much as you say you do then maybe you two will reconnect. But you can't hold on to that and let it get in the way of your doing what you need to do for you!
newbby Posted June 17, 2005 Posted June 17, 2005 exactly, most mm who are having affairs find that it makes their unhappy marriages more bearable, which actually makes them less likely to leave their wives!! thats why the whole power balance in the relationship between mm and ow becomes so uneven.
TUDOR Posted June 17, 2005 Posted June 17, 2005 Originally posted by newbby exactly, most mm who are having affairs find that it makes their unhappy marriages more bearable, which actually makes them less likely to leave their wives!! thats why the whole power balance in the relationship between mm and ow becomes so uneven. Agreed but lets not forget in this situation we have a MM and a MW. Both married, both having their own reasons justified or not for there actions. They both used each other as a crutch in some way but for the MW it sounds like it became an incentive or motivation to leave her husband instead of just making an unhappy marriage bearable like the other man. Guess we have to hear it from LatinGoddess other wise it is all speculative.
New_Wife Posted June 17, 2005 Posted June 17, 2005 Latingoddess, I don't know a thing about being in your situation - let me just say that up front. But I do know about holding onto anger to the point that it disables you. Sounds like this is new, and you're dealing with lots of nice fresh bubbly anger, and sometimes that can be a motivating force for change - and if so - good on ya! But if you find yourself becoming a slave to the anger/pain - run, don't walk, to a counselor. There are not just one, but two relationships ending in your life right now. That's a whole lot of dissappointment. Regardless of the right/wrongness of either of those relationships, you are in a place of change. After the anger (I'd suggest you give yourself a 24-hour swear day and then try to move on), maybe you can sit calmly and take a look at what you ideal future would hold. Then start planning backwards from that. Okay, could be talking out my butt here - it's happened. Anyway - take care. Think about that counseling thing - if for no other reason than to have a sounding board as you go through all of these changes.
newbby Posted June 17, 2005 Posted June 17, 2005 no i dont think you are talking out of your butt, new wife, it sounds like a lot of good advice. the first thing is to deal with the pain before analysing the relationship. this kind of anger is destructive, mainly to the self, because it doesnt matter what you do, whether you tell the wife or try and get some other revenge or just yell at him, it wont likely change anything for the better, most probably for the worse, and you still have your pain to deal with, possibly more.
Author LatinGoddess Posted June 17, 2005 Author Posted June 17, 2005 Someone asked if the MM asked me to get a divorce. In round about ways he said that we could be together. I now see that as another one of his lies. I love this guy, a lot, but now I see that he does nothing but lie to get what he want. I don't trust a thing he says now. Right now I'm being nice to him but all the while I'm wondering whether or not to tell his wife after my divorce or maybe before. I don't know whats wrong with me. I feel like I have been lied to all along by this man and he seemed very sweet and nice and now I see him as something of the antichrist of relationships. I think I'm not the only one that he was maybe sleeping with. You see he travels a lot and I think he might have had other flings along the way. I now feel sorry for his wife. No matter how many hangups she has I feel for her and I feel for me. This guy is a pathetic low life jerk. The sex was great, he was compassionate and loving, but I think he only used that as a ploy to try and get me to sleep with him. I feel horrible cause it worked. I'm not interested in moving on. All I want to do is cry and yell and scream at him. I really want him to feel the same pain I feel. I don't know what to do yet, I'm still thinking it through. I have a lot to consider on my end too, but one things for sure I'm gonna be smart about it all.
TUDOR Posted June 17, 2005 Posted June 17, 2005 Originally posted by LatinGoddess Someone asked if the MM asked me to get a divorce. In round about ways he said that we could be together. I now see that as another one of his lies. I love this guy, a lot, but now I see that he does nothing but lie to get what he want. I don't trust a thing he says now. Right now I'm being nice to him but all the while I'm wondering whether or not to tell his wife after my divorce or maybe before. I don't know whats wrong with me. I feel like I have been lied to all along by this man and he seemed very sweet and nice and now I see him as something of the antichrist of relationships. I think I'm not the only one that he was maybe sleeping with. You see he travels a lot and I think he might have had other flings along the way. I now feel sorry for his wife. No matter how many hangups she has I feel for her and I feel for me. This guy is a pathetic low life jerk. The sex was great, he was compassionate and loving, but I think he only used that as a ploy to try and get me to sleep with him. I feel horrible cause it worked. I'm not interested in moving on. All I want to do is cry and yell and scream at him. I really want him to feel the same pain I feel. I don't know what to do yet, I'm still thinking it through. I have a lot to consider on my end too, but one things for sure I'm gonna be smart about it all. I'm not trying to defend your guy or anything but weren't both of you living a lie? I think your anger and pain are making you see this guy as the bad man all the sudden. I mean you continue to contradict yourself, you love him, you hate, you want to move on, you don't want to move on and make his life miserable as you feel. And I wouldn't go putting yourself in the wive's shoes, you are no better than him in her eyes. You both screwed up, you both gambled...but with you both being married it wasn't a game either of you was going to win. I know you are mad but don't go jumping to conclusions about how this guy is now the traveling man whore and you were just one of his innocent victims! But look at it from some one looking in, you were both cheating, both lying, both living double lives. Why are your actions any better than him and he is now the SOB who screwed you? You really have to walk away from this and not let it eat at you. Don't beat your self up for making a mistake but learn from it and move on. The world will pass you by if you let it so get back in the game and leave the past in your past. And FYI, if you are in the beginning of a divorce and their is a child involved....I wouldn't go around telling wives about how you have been sleeping with their husband. Both that wife or your MM could return the favor and cause a lot of problems for you. You are in a bad place now and it sucks but it could be made a whole lot worse. I'd be willing to bet your hubby doesn't know about the affair, lets say he doesn't, do you really want your MM telling him about it? Revenge won't make you feel better but it could certainly have some re-precautions that make you life worse! Might want to really think about that one.
newbby Posted June 17, 2005 Posted June 17, 2005 definetly, take tudors advice and dont do anything rash!!!
Author LatinGoddess Posted June 17, 2005 Author Posted June 17, 2005 Honestly at this point in the whole situation I really do not care if the MM tells my soon to be ex husband. I am divorcing him. The whole thing is making me more and more angry. Just yesterday I was emailing him and I told him I wanted to remain friends but now I do not even want that I'm so angry. What I want is for him to feel the same pain I am in. He lied a lot. A lot of the time I believed him and now looking back I see him for what he is. Yes we both lied, both screwed around and both are/were married. I'm not going to let him get off free. I'm not sure what I'm going to do yet. I have not made that decision, but it will be something. He needs to understand how it feels. I think he may be a whore incapable of loving or being with just one person. Who knows. At least I have the balls for the both of us to leave my husband, he wants to pretend that his marriage is fine and that is his business but when he lied to me, thats when it didn't become fine anymore. I'm sick of his lies.
newbby Posted June 17, 2005 Posted June 17, 2005 totally understand your anger latin goddess but any reaction to this is going to make your life worse right now. you are right to not be friends with him, it only makes you feel more angry. do one thing at a time, get your divorce out of the way first. ignore him! somebody said to me that men hate being ignored, thats the best revenge. especially the type of men that need a of ego food. just ignore him and walk around like a strong woman who couldnt care less about him or his life, it really is the best revenge. anything else you do is attention, and he would eventually turn it around on to you, then you lose both your dignity and your relationship.
SweetSerenity Posted June 17, 2005 Posted June 17, 2005 Ok, let me intervene here for a moment. I know exactly how you feel. I was involved with a married man that was truly diabolical. One minute he loved me and wanted to do me in his marital bed and we did, one minute he didn't want me cause he wanted to follow God's divine intervention and so I let him go. Even though I was somewhat in love with him I LET HIM GO. I didn't have anything to gain by going to his wife's work (cause I know her) or their home (cause remember we slept together there), emailing, or calling to ruin his marriage. What does that solve? It solves nothing. I guarantee you that if you ruin his marriage with his wife he will HATE YOU. He will not want you and you will become a thorn to him that he ultimately just wants to rid himself of. Why not let him miss you and pine for you. This is the best way to go girl. Hurting him may feel good for a couple of minutes and then you'll regret it. You also have a child you need to think about here that can be taken away from you because of your decisions to commit adultery to begin with. You say you don't care, just envision your child crying because she can't live with you cause mommy did something to daddy that in the eyes of the court is a moral sin. Just think about all the things you'll miss because she won't be living with you full time. Sit and really think about it. You say your husband is a jerk, well do you really want a jerk raising your daughter. I mean of course he'll get visitation and what not, but if you go all out and destroy this other man let me tell you that he won't be the only one destroyed. Even after getting your divorce you should feel better and you should make a clean break with this married man. Don't contact him, leave it be, let it go. I just saw my exMM today and even though my heart felt a little warmth in it after having seen him I didn't pick up my cell to pick up where we left off. Some things are just better left alone. Think about it long and hard. I know you're hurt and you're angry. But give yourself some cooling off period. Take it from me, it won't solve anything sweetie.
Author LatinGoddess Posted June 17, 2005 Author Posted June 17, 2005 Do any of you have any idea how much I poured myself into this entire relationship? He lied to me so many times that I can't count. SweetSerenity did you have this in your relationship? I just want to cry. I have been nice to the MM because I don't know what else to do and I don't want to stay out of his life. I want to know what he is doing but I secretly hate him. I know that is a strong word but I hate him and I can't stand him. He lied to me over and over and over again. I just want him to hurt. The way he has done his wife is no better. I know about the having sex in the marital home having done that myself. SweetSerenity how did you move on? How do you move on from something that was so long lasting? He told me some very secretive and sweet things. The trip out of town he told me he wants to be with me and this was a lie. You brought up a good point about my daughter. I don't want her to live with her father. I want her full time. So if I tell his wife it will be after my divorce is final. I don't think he should get off free without feeling a thing. I truly can't stand him. I don't know what to do. I'm confused. He keeps emailing me. I wish he would f*ck off.
TUDOR Posted June 17, 2005 Posted June 17, 2005 Originally posted by LatinGoddess Just yesterday I was emailing him and I told him I wanted to remain friends but now I do not even want that I'm so angry. yet another contradiction. Who is emailing who here? You are making matters worse by keeping yourself so close to the same fire that burned you. If you want him to f*ck off then you need to tell him that.
Author LatinGoddess Posted June 17, 2005 Author Posted June 17, 2005 Tudor, are you a man? You sound so. Do I know you? How do you know that is I emailing him? It could be him emailing me for all you know. I'm pissed at him. I'm not going to tell him to f*ck off. I'm going to be as nice as pie to him so that I can know whats going on in his life. I just want to scream at him and tell him to go and get f*cked cause he just acts like I was nothing more than a piece of a*s to him and thats probably all I was. You know he asked me some time ago to leave my husband before he was married and I didn't want to. That was my mistake. I should have, but I wonder sometimes if he isn't a whore. I wonder how many flings he has had. Maybe in the next email I will tell him just how much I hate him.
Recommended Posts