gls081209 Posted April 4, 2016 Posted April 4, 2016 (edited) Long story short - my ex left me back in July and I didn't see it coming. He pretty much ghosted me which was quite hurtful after going through some life-changing events together. I sent an email to him two days after he left trying to understand what even happened. I then deleted my social media and his number and implemented no contact. In those following months, I dealt with some serious depression and had been getting treated for it. A couple months ago I turned a corner and started feeling better and even started to accept everything. And then he emailed. He responded 7 months later to my original email. It wasn't particularly profound, but he did apologize for being an a-hole. He wanted to know how I was doing and if we could communicate. I've read a lot of posts from LoveShack and it was always said that people return from the dead out of their own selfish agenda (guilt, boredom, they got dumped, etc.) I took it like that, but I did respond saying I was still angry and I didn't deserve that and what did he want from his "communication with me." When I sent that response, I thought maybe talking would help me with my anger. I don't want to get back together, but I would like to be cordial when we run into each other. Plus, we have several mutual friends and it's awkward for them to juggle invites to events and such. He just responded to email (a month later) saying "I don't know what my desired outcome is. I'm afraid I won't be able to articulate anything, but I can try." Now I'm annoyed. What's even the point of reaching out in the first place to "communicate" if you have nothing to say. Maybe trying to alleviate my anger by talking to him is not the best route. I just thought trying to understand what even happened would help me move on. Edited April 4, 2016 by gls081209
dyna85 Posted April 4, 2016 Posted April 4, 2016 (edited) Ugh. That is so frustrating. So he ghosts you and fails to respond to your email 7 months ago, sending you into a depression, only to return and then when you kindly get back to him, another month goes by before he replies to that? Also, the content of his email is him basically stating that he doesn't know what he's doing and can't articulate himself. Sounds like a winner. Not much has changed. He's still the same person. Still can't communicate. I wouldn't trust him with a ten foot pole if I were you. I think you did good by venting your frustration with his actions, and now, you should poof-be gone, and not even care about his ridiculousness, because it's clear he has not a clue as to truly communicate and treat you with respect. What does he expect you to say to his latest 'oh I'm not sure what I'm trying to say, but maybe you can help me,' 'oh hold on, let me teach you how to communicate and treat people with respect.' This guy is an idiot and he has no idea as to how his actions truly affected you and will probably never realize. Oh wait, until karma hands him some lovely supper some day. Then maybe he'll understand. Until then, I wouldn't bother with him. Edited April 4, 2016 by dyna85 1
NolaLeForte Posted April 4, 2016 Posted April 4, 2016 Ugh, that’s awful. Actions speak louder than words and he’s made it pretty clear that he wants everything on his terms and isn’t interested in your feelings. That being said, reaching out to him to get closure is probably going to be a fruitless endeavor because he'll just continue not dealing with or addressing anything. He broke up with you out of the blue, couldn’t even give you a response, and then responds to your email 7 months later, and then doesn’t respond again for another month. No excuse for that. I know you’re angry and you want to know what’s going on (and you deserve to know), but the fact that he ended the relationship by ghosting is pretty telling of how he handles things-he seems to prefer addressing your hurt feelings by putting them on the back burner (which is the opposite of what you need). Don’t worry about mutual friends- you can be cordial and gracious but at the end of the day this is his mess and you aren’t responsible for cleaning it up. Closure comes in many different forms- you may never know what exactly happened, but you do know that he’s not someone that deserves your time, he’s not going to add anything positive to your life and it’s only going to get better without him around. It’s not an explanation, but there’s freedom in knowing that this negativity was purged from your life. Good luck x
Rachel39 Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 If you are in a good place and have come so far it might set you back as your already feeling angry. I would normally be for talking after some time has passed but contacting you after 7 months for you to reply to him then to not contact you after another month with a reply is just plain rude. Who knows what his motives are but show him actually you are fine and the breakup had no lasting effect on you. I wouldn't bother with this man he will only end up making you feel angry.
Light Breeze Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 That's why you don't break NC, until you already moved on to the point of indifference. I understand that there are lots of social aspects to juggle that make NC difficult. However, speaking from experience, it can be done and it works wonders.
treezy Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 Err, did it change anything? Did his email to you or your email to him and his email back to you change anything? No it didn't. So carry on with NC. You don't have to have a closure to move on. I mean, it'd be good if you did but honestly, no amount of closure would suffice as a closure for you at this point. Imagine this. If he told you the real reason for the breakup, would you have accepted it? Or would you probe further?
Author gls081209 Posted April 8, 2016 Author Posted April 8, 2016 Thank you so much for your thoughts. I figured the general consensus would be to not respond. I haven't. I'm still gathering my thoughts on the matter and really trying to be honest with myself as to why I would want to meet him. From what I gathered, I have no desire to get back with him so that's not an issue. I also think I have no interest in saving any kind of relationship with him. At this point, he ruined any chance of salvaging a friendship (which is what we were a long time before we started dating). From our e-mail exchanges, I suspect that trying to talk about anything that requires a feeling or an honest answer will be a waste of time as he's an idiot when it comes to that. I can't expect that will change. I guess my real reason, is out of curiosity as what he could say to me and also I'm tired of having that constant anxiety of running into him. I kind of just want to get it out of the way so that feeling will go away. I just want to be cordial when I do run into him. I'm not sure if either of those reasons are worth it, but at least I know that my interest in meeting him has nothing to do with me wanting to get back together... (that's a surprising epiphany).
Zahara Posted April 8, 2016 Posted April 8, 2016 At this point, he ruined any chance of salvaging a friendship (which is what we were a long time before we started dating). From our e-mail exchanges, I suspect that trying to talk about anything that requires a feeling or an honest answer will be a waste of time as he's an idiot when it comes to that. I can't expect that will change. So, it's established that there is ZERO reason for you having any contact with him. I guess my real reason, is out of curiosity as what he could say to me and also I'm tired of having that constant anxiety of running into him. I kind of just want to get it out of the way so that feeling will go away. I just want to be cordial when I do run into him. You deal with the constant anxiety of running into him by staying NC and slowly severing that emotional tie you have to him. You don't deal with it by engaging your curiosity. If you know he's a failure when it comes to validating you, then you accept that there is nothing he can say to you to change anything. I'm not sure if either of those reasons are worth it, but at least I know that my interest in meeting him has nothing to do with me wanting to get back together... (that's a surprising epiphany). I have to question that because if you wanted nothing to do with him, there would be absolutely zero reason to meet someone that treated you like crap. 1
BC1980 Posted April 8, 2016 Posted April 8, 2016 I guess my real reason, is out of curiosity as what he could say to me and also I'm tired of having that constant anxiety of running into him. I kind of just want to get it out of the way so that feeling will go away. I just want to be cordial when I do run into him. I'm not sure if either of those reasons are worth it, but at least I know that my interest in meeting him has nothing to do with me wanting to get back together... (that's a surprising epiphany). I don't think that meeting with him will eliminate the anxiety of running into him. That anxiety will fade with time and NC. Eventually, you just won't care if you run into him, and, when it does happen, it will probably be a little weird/awkward. But you will be okay. When I found out my ex was coming back to where I work, I freaked out. I was anxious and went out of my way to avoid him. When I saw him for the first time, I ran around the corner before he saw me. Look, all of that will go away in time. You won't even worry about running into him because it won't matter if you do. 1
Miss Peach Posted April 8, 2016 Posted April 8, 2016 I went through something similar. I was ghosted months into a relationship with no explanation. In fact the last date we had had one of the lest things he told me was that he loved me. This guy tried to send me a pathetic 'hi' text a year later. I didn't go into depression but it hurt a lot more than if he would have been a man and just tell me he wanted to end it. IMO ghosting into a relationship tells you you dodged a bullet and he is a coward who can't be honest and direct. Both are not good relationships foundations IMO. All you really can do is go NC until you are completely indifferent to him. If he gets past being blocked, then remember all the red flags he showed you in the lack of ending your relationship properly.
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