hippychick3 Posted April 3, 2016 Posted April 3, 2016 Last night I went out with a couple good friends, one of whom is probably my closest friend, the other a guy friend of ours (strictly platonic...my bf knows him). We hang out regularly. My girlfriend is single and on a couple dating websites. She was talking to one particular guy throughout the week and wanted to meet him. She suggested that he meet us at the bar where we were last night since it's public and we were with her. She felt more comfortable having him meet her friends and us telling her what we thought. My girlfriend is cute, very independent and very, very brash and outspoken. So, the guy shows up to where we were and joins us. He appears to be a really decent guy. He was very attractive and very nice and funny. I thought he was a good catch for her and told her so when he left to get a drink. My friend, on the other hand, was being super loud and super crazy...which is fine when she is with her friends, but on a first date/meet? I could tell he was a little put off by her. She likes to say, "this is who I am. I say what I think. Take me or leave me!" She was NOT reading his social cues well at all when he would subtly recoil at her remarks. Well, about an hour into this, a couple people come over to our table and start talking to my male friend while my girlfriend is distracted by something on her phone. My girlfriend's "date" then walks over to where I am and leans over to tell me in my ear (it's VERY loud where we are) that he is not interested in my girlfriend at all and thinks I am "super cute" and wants to get my phone number. He said he feels bad about it but doesn't want to pass up an opportunity to get to know me. OMG. So, of course I tell him no way. She's my best friend and I would never do that. Aside from the fact that I have a boyfriend, I couldn't do that to her. I tell him to give her a chance and you never know what could happen. He said he knew he wasn't attracted to her as more than a friend but was definitely attracted to me. I reiterated "no". Since it was so loud, no one else could hear us and my girlfriend had no idea what was being said. Fast forward another hour or so and we are getting ready to leave. As we are getting into the car, the guy gives me a hug and shoves a piece of paper in my hand and whispers "don't lose this." I get into the car and see it's his phone number. Ugh. I discreetly show it to my guy friend saying "wtf?" and then crumple it up. Well, it turns out that my girlfriend invited him to her place after we each went home. This morning I talked to her. They did not have sex...she was at least smart enough there. But, they made out and he stayed the night. She is CRAZY about him, and it takes a lot for her to really like anyone. This is only the 3rd guy that she has really liked in the 6 years that I've known her. She told me how they talked about everything and she mentioned that he asked about her and her friends including me. He seemingly asked a lot of stuff about me which she casually told me without any clue that he was interested in me. I said nothing. Well, a couple hours ago I get a FB friendship request from him. I am not accepting it. I don't know what to do. I was going to tell my boyfriend about the situation as I don't keep anything from him. But, if this guy starts hanging around us now, my bf will NOT be okay with this. He trusts me but would be very jealous knowing what I know. I do not want to tell my girlfriend. She would be incredibly hurt and I think she would resent me. This is actually the second time a guy she liked turned out to like me instead (that guy went off the radar when I told him I had a boyfriend). I am pretty sure it's because she is so loud and "too much" for a lot of people. And just for the record, I am NOT at all flirtatious and am very vocal about being in a relationship when I meet new people. What would you do?
LydiaLong Posted April 3, 2016 Posted April 3, 2016 If you care about this girlfriend, tell her what a louse she has hooked up with before she invests too much in him.
jen1447 Posted April 3, 2016 Posted April 3, 2016 Tell your BF and your gf and let come what may. It's the only play and you'll be glad you were honest.
Author hippychick3 Posted April 3, 2016 Author Posted April 3, 2016 I'm going to wait to see if he calls her and wants to see her again. If he does, I'll tell her and tell my bf. If he doesn't, she doesn't need to know. I'll tell my bf either way. 1
preraph Posted April 3, 2016 Posted April 3, 2016 God, I hate those situations. I kept quiet, but I didn't have a particular BF to consider. My situation was I had two younger friends (one is still my best friend today, 30 years later). They'd had a trauma and were pretty wild and lost, and I took on a kind of sisterly role with them. Well, they BOTH were in love with this young guy, Jay. The girls, Kate and Erin, got close when the younger's sister died in an accident. The deceased had been Kate's best friend. So a complicated connection already, both trying to replace the deceased with one another. The youngest, Erin, was blond and Kate was brunette, both pretty girls. I noticed early on that Erin would go after nearly every guy either me or Kate showed any interest in. Kate was laid back about it because she's just a very tolerant person. Kate had it bad for Jay, who could be funny and cute, but also rude and intolerable. He could be charming, however, and that's what drew these girls in, plus being cute. He didn't treat either one of them with any respect or care for their feelings, and I really didn't like him for that because I was protective of them. He knew they were both after him. He hit on me more than once, whispering stuff right in the same room with one or the other of them. Erin finally ended up with Jay, and Kate met and married someone but never really lost all her feelings for him. Erin came to me when she and Jay started having minor physical altercations (mutual). I think all they did was sit around and get f'd up. So that lowered my opinion of him and Erin even more. They didn't stay together, but both Kate and Erin still tried to intercept him anytime they could and insisted on remaining friends with him. Decades later, Kate sober and divorced by now and back in my and Jay's town, we'd go to reunion gigs and he'd be there. Kate would go stand by him and he'd always pretend not to notice for a good five minutes, just to be an aloof jerk. She considered him one of her good friends. Through all this Kate knew I didn't like Jay and thought he treated her like crap. I gave her as many reasons as I could for not liking him, but acknowledged yes he could be very funny when he wanted to be, but I was open that I hated the way he treated both of them. I also let Kate know I hated how Erin always went after every guy we knew. But I never told Kate Jay had hit on me. It probably wouldn't surprise her. He probably hit on everyone right in front of her anyway. But I didn't want to hurt her at the time or become the "third" Jay casualty and be right in the middle of that drama back in the early days. She still knows him but is more realistic about him now and they're all sober and I think he's a little more of a genuine friend to her now, so I am nice to him when I see him now. They're all married too. I think if I'd told her back then, she'd just have felt worse. She knows I hate women who interlope, so I wasn't afraid she'd blame me. And P.S., recently, after 30 years, Erin has moved in with Kate's first (ex) husband. Kate and I are finally both off her. Kate put up with it all those years because she's so mellow, but that one finally did the trick. And then they tried to friend her on Facebook. Your friend has to find out herself the hard way for it to stick. I doubt it will take her 30 years like it did my sweet Kate. She has a very long fuse. But I guess she didn't really need a short one because she had me around, and I had her back. 1
jen1447 Posted April 3, 2016 Posted April 3, 2016 I'm going to wait to see if he calls her and wants to see her again. If he does, I'll tell her and tell my bf. If he doesn't, she doesn't need to know. I'll tell my bf either way. That's cool, but what if they hookup before you know about it? And then he starts coming onto you moreso in the role of her BF? That'd be a lot harder for her to take at that point. Not trying to be a worry-monger lol, just looking at all the possibilities.
candie13 Posted April 3, 2016 Posted April 3, 2016 Tell the truth asap. it'll get You off trouble. Your friend sounds immature.
Author hippychick3 Posted April 4, 2016 Author Posted April 4, 2016 God, I hate those situations. I kept quiet, but I didn't have a particular BF to consider. My situation was I had two younger friends (one is still my best friend today, 30 years later). They'd had a trauma and were pretty wild and lost, and I took on a kind of sisterly role with them. Well, they BOTH were in love with this young guy, Jay. The girls, Kate and Erin, got close when the younger's sister died in an accident. The deceased had been Kate's best friend. So a complicated connection already, both trying to replace the deceased with one another. The youngest, Erin, was blond and Kate was brunette, both pretty girls. I noticed early on that Erin would go after nearly every guy either me or Kate showed any interest in. Kate was laid back about it because she's just a very tolerant person. Kate had it bad for Jay, who could be funny and cute, but also rude and intolerable. He could be charming, however, and that's what drew these girls in, plus being cute. He didn't treat either one of them with any respect or care for their feelings, and I really didn't like him for that because I was protective of them. He knew they were both after him. He hit on me more than once, whispering stuff right in the same room with one or the other of them. Erin finally ended up with Jay, and Kate met and married someone but never really lost all her feelings for him. Erin came to me when she and Jay started having minor physical altercations (mutual). I think all they did was sit around and get f'd up. So that lowered my opinion of him and Erin even more. They didn't stay together, but both Kate and Erin still tried to intercept him anytime they could and insisted on remaining friends with him. Decades later, Kate sober and divorced by now and back in my and Jay's town, we'd go to reunion gigs and he'd be there. Kate would go stand by him and he'd always pretend not to notice for a good five minutes, just to be an aloof jerk. She considered him one of her good friends. Through all this Kate knew I didn't like Jay and thought he treated her like crap. I gave her as many reasons as I could for not liking him, but acknowledged yes he could be very funny when he wanted to be, but I was open that I hated the way he treated both of them. I also let Kate know I hated how Erin always went after every guy we knew. But I never told Kate Jay had hit on me. It probably wouldn't surprise her. He probably hit on everyone right in front of her anyway. But I didn't want to hurt her at the time or become the "third" Jay casualty and be right in the middle of that drama back in the early days. She still knows him but is more realistic about him now and they're all sober and I think he's a little more of a genuine friend to her now, so I am nice to him when I see him now. They're all married too. I think if I'd told her back then, she'd just have felt worse. She knows I hate women who interlope, so I wasn't afraid she'd blame me. And P.S., recently, after 30 years, Erin has moved in with Kate's first (ex) husband. Kate and I are finally both off her. Kate put up with it all those years because she's so mellow, but that one finally did the trick. And then they tried to friend her on Facebook. Your friend has to find out herself the hard way for it to stick. I doubt it will take her 30 years like it did my sweet Kate. She has a very long fuse. But I guess she didn't really need a short one because she had me around, and I had her back. Wow, what a story! I agree that telling them would not have helped the situation at all. I'm not really convinced that telling my friend anything right now will help her. I will tell my bf of course (he's out of town this weekend for a big work event so haven't told him yet) but I'm going to see what will happen organically with them. After all, this guy had never met my friend before and his first impression wasn't great. He may end up liking her more in time, and whatever he thinks of me now may not be a factor at that point.
Author hippychick3 Posted April 4, 2016 Author Posted April 4, 2016 That's cool, but what if they hookup before you know about it? And then he starts coming onto you moreso in the role of her BF? That'd be a lot harder for her to take at that point. Not trying to be a worry-monger lol, just looking at all the possibilities. She tells me everything the moment it happens. If they end up going out again, I will assume he has grown to like her as I'm off limits. At that point, if he were to hit on me again...I'd tell her.
Jersey born raised Posted April 4, 2016 Posted April 4, 2016 I think you might/most likely hanging her put to dry. I am going to PM you two posts from another thread that seem to hit home with a lot of woman. One described how a player thought and the other describes how an emotional connecting can made me. For a player that is how he hides who he is. You need to share now. 2
preraph Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 I recommend that if he does hit on you and she is anywhere within earshot, you don't "tell her" but you very loudly tell him so that she can hear "WTF! You're hitting on me when you're going out with my friend???" Just BUST him in public. And yes, that's why you tell your man, in case you have to do that he'll be ready to also jump in. Out of politeness, a lot of us women, in an effort to be restrained, keep their secrets for them. It works a lot better to just bust them loudly right in front of everybody. They'll never try it again with you. 1
Author hippychick3 Posted April 5, 2016 Author Posted April 5, 2016 Well, he really has no chance with me player or no player. He seems to be backing off my friend. He has called her to chat a couple times since Sunday morning but has not suggested seeing her again. I'm thinking that it will not materialize into anything.
preraph Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 It didn't sound like it would. Just hope he doesn't ask for your number as he dumps her. But if so, you can just say, Oh, well, you dodged a bullet then.
Author hippychick3 Posted April 5, 2016 Author Posted April 5, 2016 It didn't sound like it would. Just hope he doesn't ask for your number as he dumps her. But if so, you can just say, Oh, well, you dodged a bullet then. Well he did tell her how much he liked her "friends" and then asked her several questions about me including what my full name was (which is how he found me on Facebook). She possibly sensed something and then proceeded to tell him all about my current relationship and how strong it is....so, I can't imagine he would then ask her for my number. But he did send the fb request after that (which I deleted).
preraph Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 Wow. Some just don't understand the word "no." I hope she figured out he's a sleaze and isn't bemoaning his loss.
DreamP Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 If the roles were reversed, would you want your best friend to tell you about the guy you started really liking. How would you feel if you found out later, say after chatting with him a lot and setting up a date, that your friend had withheld such information?
preraph Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 I'm not the OP, but for me, depending on which friend told me, I might suspect they were chatting them up or something. In fact, I'd probably at least consider that possibility. I'd be thinking "And what were you doing talking to them long enough for that to happen." It might not be justified if, like this guy, the man is really aggressive, but it would enter my mind. I would also think that if it all happened right in front of me, I'd be able to see for myself if the guy was looking at other women and flirting. In this case, the guy said he didn't like the girl he was meeting, so it would have been hurtful to her to be honest. But if I was with a guy and supposedly committed and a very trusted friend came to me and said he was hitting on her or someone else, I would want to know.
Author hippychick3 Posted April 11, 2016 Author Posted April 11, 2016 Update.... After talking to the other friend who was with us, I decided not to tell my girlfriend and wait and see what happened naturally. He has been calling or texting her most days since that first meetup but has not suggested meeting up again. The weekend passed without him seeing her or asking to see her even though she made it clear she was available. She even called him Saturday night because she was bored (smh). I advised her to move on and not put any more energy into this person as he didn't seem like he was interested enough. She still is somewhat interested and wants to wait and see before writing him off. I did tell my bf what happened, and he was very pissed off. Thinks I should have told her immediately but admits now it is too late to tell her as too much time has passed. However, if they end up seeing each other more and the guy shows up to where we are, he will say something or insist I do. He basically will not be okay with all of us hanging out together at any point (which I expected). So, I'm hoping that the dude just fades away! 1
truth_seeker Posted April 11, 2016 Posted April 11, 2016 You owe it to your friend, your boyfriend and yourself to speak up about this. This guy is just using your friend to get closer to you. Stop it now.
oldsoldier Posted April 13, 2016 Posted April 13, 2016 Just tell the truth your friend, it would be very fair to him.
Author hippychick3 Posted April 13, 2016 Author Posted April 13, 2016 He told my friend he just wants to be friends. It's highly unlikely now that the guy will be hanging around. 1
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