tilton Posted April 3, 2016 Posted April 3, 2016 I broke NC with my ex of 11 months after only 3 days and it's killing me inside. The breakup completely blindsided me (it's been six days since the BU) and all I've been told is that she scared herself with how quickly her feelings had changed for me. We went to her friends for four days where she was so cold towards me and even after the split she was so unemotional towards me I just don't know where it all came from. She keeps saying she wants to email me with her reasons and to meet me face-to-face to talk it through but to me thats just her relieving her guilt and making her feel better and me worse. After I broke NC she didn't say much but said she misses me but then said that this will happen and is expected. I've just told her im going to be strong and she will never see or hear from me again but instead of feeling empowered I feel even worse! I could go on and i'm not even sure why I'm saying any of this. I'm 41 ffs, I should be better than this!
privategal Posted April 3, 2016 Posted April 3, 2016 No...who said you HAD to be better right away or deal with things better or be over it or not feel or not have emotions? You were blindsided and treated coldly. That hurts. You were not given closure nor treated as though you mattered after investing time and caring. These signs of anguish mean you have a heart. IF you block it out like alot of guys do by just getting real busy...going out alot, or going to gym all in the effort to not feel it will come up later. Be gentle to yourself...you cant go AROUND healing, only THROUGH it to truly get past this difficult thing. It hurts,its hard, we are the same age. It feels bad cause in your 20's you'd go out, drink your face off, sleep with someone else and forget it. Nooww..you have bills, are more stabil and mature and feel alone. For one...BLOCK HER IN EVERY SINGLE WAY. She had her window to be polite, explain...no more mister nice guy...its HARD to block when you still HOPE to hear back but its kindest to YOU. its time to be selfish. Summer is around the corner. Do go through crying. Write angry letters and burn them, cry, whatever...but GO THROUGH the greif right now...you will get sick of crying and get a new energy and feel better. Not yet though. Make sure you go dark on her...right now. No more contact at all. Remember her coldness. Thats all you need to know. Its done. Accept that. Shes an ex for a reason, this storm will pass and you will feel glad it happened...but for now...just grieve it and heal...dont ignore the pain...feel it.
Author tilton Posted April 4, 2016 Author Posted April 4, 2016 Thank you for this. You're right about the age thing. It hurt's a lot more now I'm older. It's just the vision of the future that she helped build and now taken away from me that kills me inside. I've tried letting myself cry but apart from the BU day itself Iseem to stop myself for some reason. I've always struggled with that though. Thanks again,
Author tilton Posted April 8, 2016 Author Posted April 8, 2016 So an update. After sending a final message I buckled and reached out again and agreed to meet up like she asked as I was in a 'need to find out if this can be fixed' mindset. I did say that I needed to know whether there is any chance we can sort this out and she said ' I can't promise anything but then I can't rule anything out either' which obviously giving me some hope. The reason she originally split though was apparently due to lots of little things and some emotions that she's just currently understanding herself. So I have no idea where this leaves me. Since then though (and we are still trying to arrange a suitable date next week to meet) I've been having severe anxiety and my chest feels so tight I can hardly breathe. I drunkenly messaged her saying that I missed her and apologised the next day and now she's hardly messaging me (we agreed to keep in minimal contact to check in with each other). It's got to the point where I'm even counting the number of kisses she puts at the end of each message and I'm crushed if the number is lower than the previous count. I've been to a counselling session (as I have no-one else to talk to) and went to a meditation session last night which helped for a bit but here I am at half two in the morning after being woken by a terrible anxiety attack not knowing if can endure this any longer. I'm trying to give her space and don't want to appear needy and make things work but this feels like the hardest thing I've ever had to go through.
LD1990 Posted April 8, 2016 Posted April 8, 2016 So an update. After sending a final message I buckled and reached out again and agreed to meet up like she asked as I was in a 'need to find out if this can be fixed' mindset. I did say that I needed to know whether there is any chance we can sort this out and she said ' I can't promise anything but then I can't rule anything out either' which obviously giving me some hope. That's pretty much every dumper's phrase of choice when they want to either let someone down easy or keep them around as a backup plan. Really you're just prolonging your misery by keeping in touch with her and meeting up with her. I know this is hard but the sooner you cut all ties with her the better. Accept the pain now so you can start healing instead of dragging it out only to feel just as bad a couple weeks or months down the road.
mightycpa Posted April 8, 2016 Posted April 8, 2016 So yeah, you hurt like a teenager, but you're 41 ffs. You're supposed to have developed some friggin' discipline by now. Buck up, you're too old to be giving in to your urges. You're done, you know it, she knows it, and we know it. So act like it, and get started with the business of recovery. Of course it's going to be difficult. But it can be done. You talked the talk I've just told her im going to be strong and she will never see or hear from me again Now walk the walk. 1
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