Kate3937 Posted April 3, 2016 Posted April 3, 2016 I have been on three GREAT dates with a guy, he said that he has really fallen for me and really likes me, plans future dates, the problem is he is a self proclaimed "bad texter". He will stop responding mid conversation than pick it up the next day or so like nothing has happened. Its super annoying but I have realized it doesnt really mean he isnt interested as we have gone out and had great dates after said bad texts. This week monday he messaged saying we should go to this fair that is close to my house, we talked like usual then wed he said we should def meet up this weekend, I suggested saturday... Then nothing (annoying) I messaged him thursday, he replied asked how my day was, how I was blah blah, normal talk then I suggested saturday again, NOTHING. Now it is sunday, so we really havent chatted since thurs. I dont want to text again, but he has once said he is much better on the phone, I am not much of a phone talker but i really like this guy and would like to call, and see whats up. Do I wait till he is in touch or suck of my pride and try and call and see if he answers and wants to go out again? Or just let it go and if he is interested he will be in touch?
Tressugar Posted April 3, 2016 Posted April 3, 2016 What happened to calling him? You can't forge a dating relationship via text. There comes a time where you have to compromise and call him, if you want to continue to date him. 3
AndOrchid Posted April 3, 2016 Posted April 3, 2016 No, this goes beyond "bad texting". He has not initiated contact since Wednesday and has ignored your suggestion for Saturday TWICE. At the very least, it is very rude but more than that, it shows that he is in no rush to make plans for another date. Don't call or text anymore. If he is interested, he will contact you and then you can decide if you still want to see him. 7
xpaperxcutx Posted April 3, 2016 Posted April 3, 2016 There is no such thing as a bad texter. There is however, such things as fading, lying, and ghosting. He already did all three. Don't chase. The ambiguity and the lack of planning tells you he lost interest. 6
Author Kate3937 Posted April 3, 2016 Author Posted April 3, 2016 Thank you guys, It sucks, I really like him. I feel like we are so compatible except the communication, which is obviously an important factor. Was talking to my best friend who said her fiancé was a horrible texter and to just bite the bullet and call, but I also feel like he should take the initiative on this one. I dont want to have to chase him. Its just mind boggling to me how we could have been so fine as of Monday and now its Sunday and I am so confused.
katiegrl Posted April 3, 2016 Posted April 3, 2016 Thank you guys, It sucks, I really like him. I feel like we are so compatible except the communication, which is obviously an important factor. Was talking to my best friend who said her fiancé was a horrible texter and to just bite the bullet and call, but I also feel like he should take the initiative on this one. I dont want to have to chase him. Its just mind boggling to me how we could have been so fine as of Monday and now its Sunday and I am so confused. I can understand if he does not like texting, but what's his justification for not calling? Why should you be the one to call? You have done enough to show you are interested. It's HIS turn now. And just curious, but what is so appealing about him that you want to continue dating him? He blew you off this weekend, if a guy treated me that way, especially so early on, it would be next. Choose wisely! 1
Versacehottie Posted April 3, 2016 Posted April 3, 2016 I have been on three GREAT dates with a guy, he said that he has really fallen for me and really likes me, plans future dates, the problem is he is a self proclaimed "bad texter". He will stop responding mid conversation than pick it up the next day or so like nothing has happened. Its super annoying but I have realized it doesnt really mean he isnt interested as we have gone out and had great dates after said bad texts. This week monday he messaged saying we should go to this fair that is close to my house, we talked like usual then wed he said we should def meet up this weekend, I suggested saturday... Then nothing (annoying) I messaged him thursday, he replied asked how my day was, how I was blah blah, normal talk then I suggested saturday again, NOTHING. Now it is sunday, so we really havent chatted since thurs. I dont want to text again, but he has once said he is much better on the phone, I am not much of a phone talker but i really like this guy and would like to call, and see whats up. Do I wait till he is in touch or suck of my pride and try and call and see if he answers and wants to go out again? Or just let it go and if he is interested he will be in touch? Yes to the bold. And don't make it "easy' for him when he does call/text, ie don't act moody or put out but don't just jump to see him. He is not treating you like a priority so make sure you don't make the mistake of treating him like one. I know in your first sentence you said "he plans dates"--actually my interpretation of "this" is that he DOES NOT plan dates. Proceed with caution. You can still date the guy, but you need to establish patterns and boundaries that work for you both. If he wants to proceed like this, you can't be so available. Don't jump to the "end point", ie i want him to be my bf, without making sure he is capable of being a bf you'd want, which means he has to get this part right in a way that works for you both. If you do that 'work' for him, continuing to get in touch when it is obviously his turn/ball in his court and let him demote your priority, you will be signing up for more of the same. He is testing you/losing interest--my top guesses. You can reset things possibly by not rolling over--he wants to see/needs to see what you are made of. Make sure you show him you are not a pushover.
dyna85 Posted April 3, 2016 Posted April 3, 2016 Are you for real? He ignored you two times when you mentioned meeting up on Saturday and you're still gung ho about him? If he's so much better on the phone, why hasn't he called you? Why are you doing all the work? Am I missing something here? Yeah, he's really fallen for you all right.. so much so that he ignores you two times about meeting up and doesn't even follow up on it period. I'm wondering, who initiated the texts for the three previous dates? Pretty sure the signs have been there and you're just letting him get away with this game playing nonsense over and over, so he's just feeding you, hook, line, and sinker. Has his cake and can eat it too. No wonder there are so many winners out there in the dating realm. People treat you how you let them treat you. He's ignoring you because he can...and you still follow up with him. (shakes head with hand on forehead)
LAtoChiGuy Posted April 3, 2016 Posted April 3, 2016 Guy here... I hate texting too. After a few dates if I'm into the girl I start *gasp* calling. That begs the question, why do I hate texting? 1 - Sarcasm his hard 2 - Tethers me to a phone when I would rather do something else 3 - Childish 4 - Boring small talk 5 - Boring questions 6 - I have my phone muted for everything but the ringtone so unless I see the light, I don't see the text until checking my phone for something else and those long gaps in texts annoy some people. So while I can understand someone telling you they are a terrible texter, the fact that he hasn't done what I do which is to start calling is a very bag sign. Sorry OP
smudge21 Posted April 4, 2016 Posted April 4, 2016 I've been in the reverse of this and I know it can be hard to accept the facts and walk away, but look over everything that has happened? Has it really been all that good? Has it really been that great of a guy that warrants this level of attention from you? The fact he ignores your texts shows that you're not as important to him as he is to you. I heard a great line that meant a lot to my situation and it was "don't treat someone as a priority if they're only treating you as an option". 1
Author Kate3937 Posted April 4, 2016 Author Posted April 4, 2016 Thank you all, for you opinions as tough as some were to read. And thank you Smudge, its so disheartening. I have been on a lot ehh dates, and also been wtih people that I really put more into than was getting, but this just seemed different. I feel like those past experiences have led me to be a bit more stubborn about what I want in and person and thought that this was going somewhere. When we are together it is like gasoline and fire, its just so on. And was so easy, didnt feel like I had to be anything less than myself. In fact our second date was no drinks and we ended up holding hands and kissing like teenagers (both 28 for reference). The last time we were hanging out he was saying, that he really thought that I could be his girlfriend soon. It has not been me pursuing the whole time, in fact I have been very concious to reel it in and make sure that he was the one driving the ship, he has suggested future dates when we were on them. The last one my train was delayed getting back from Paris so thats why I was suggesting a new meetup. You are so right though, I dont want to be putting in more effort or be someones option when I am thinking they are the priority. I suppose its hard for an outsider to believe but it just felt different this time around... oh well, I dont want to be with someone who doesnt value me, or my time, so now matter how it did feel, its not currently the case. Just so weird how someone can 180 in a few short days. But I suppose if you have several irons in the fire its is totally possible.
smudge21 Posted April 4, 2016 Posted April 4, 2016 It's not hard to believe at all, as many of us have been there. My most recent "issue" was someone I too connected with on such a high level and thought she felt the same. She didn't. End of. We went from non-stop contact (it was LDR) to virtually nothing so quickly it was shocking. As much as we want someone, love someone, there's often nothing we can do to make them feel the same way we do. They either do or they don't. Yeah it truly sucks when you connect with someone in such a way and you feel it's perfect, but for them to turn around and suddenly fade on us or treat us like we're not important. We slap them on a pedestal and they put us in the 'maybe' pile. I like to think all relationships, sexual or friend, should be as close to 50/50 as possible - with each party showing that they want to be in others life equally. Once that stops, then you have to step back. Chasing someone, making all the effort, doing all the running... as much as we want to, the only thing it ever does is push the person further away and make us look weak. We're not weak and we're worth more than this. If someone can't see that, then it's their loss. You have to value yourself before others can value you. This guy, whatever his reasons, needs to step up or move on. You're worth more and there's plenty out there for you to chose from. 2
Author Kate3937 Posted April 4, 2016 Author Posted April 4, 2016 Smudge, I feel like I need to print that out and frame or tattoo it across my forehead for when I look in the mirror to remind myself. You are so right. It is so hard for someone to poof into oblivion so quickly and from being so full on. I feel like I have to remind myself that its nothing I have done or could have done differently. But your kind and understanding makes it a lot more bearable, not that I am happy you have gone through similar feelings, but because I am not alone.
smudge21 Posted April 4, 2016 Posted April 4, 2016 Smudge, I feel like I need to print that out and frame or tattoo it across my forehead for when I look in the mirror to remind myself. You are so right. It is so hard for someone to poof into oblivion so quickly and from being so full on. I feel like I have to remind myself that its nothing I have done or could have done differently. But your kind and understanding makes it a lot more bearable, not that I am happy you have gone through similar feelings, but because I am not alone. That's the thing about this place, and probably the main reason it helped me many years ago, was realising that I wasn't alone. That no matter what I was going through, loads of others had already been there and come out the other side. I'm just not that type who can ghost on someone, especially if I like their company. Even if it's just a friendship, if we're good together, then why end it. I've had friends and lovers go the same way. Do these people just not feel it, or are they just living a lie all the time hence why they can just walk whenever they feel like it and never look back. My recent one used to even get concerned if I hadn't been in touch in a day. To go from that to nothing for weeks just seems odd but I am drawn to the simple idea that maybe she just met someone else. Maybe not a date, but someone who has now taken my place and is getting that same level of interest I had. Maybe in a few months he'll be tossed aside too. I reckon the hardest part when someone lets us down like this (or even dumps us) is that we blame ourselves. We look in the mirror and wonder what we did wrong, not to lose them, but to actually chose and fall for someone who could be so cold. Sadly, that's just life. We don't really know anyone until we really know them. Chin up. You're in London, the 8th biggest city in the world. I'm sure there's plenty of choices. As I said before, his loss. You want, need, someone in your life who makes you feel wanted, not worthless. 1
Jejangles Posted April 4, 2016 Posted April 4, 2016 I agree with everyone else, cut this guy loose. When you are evaluating someone for being a good romantic partner you need to look at both how they act when on a date with you and when not on a date with you. The guy I dated before my now boyfriend was a brutal texter. He'd take forever to reply, he'd take forever to plan the next date and basically it all just felt very slow moving and like there was no momentum. Yet on dates he'd talk about activities we should do in the future and how great I was. It was very confusing and I made a lot of excuses for his behaviour because I was tired of dating and I liked him. In the end he faded on me for a month then popped up to ask if I wanted to go out again. I think his communication behaviour revealed he was lukewarm towards me or not really available for a relationship. By the time he contacted me after a month of silence, I had met my now boyfriend, who was constant and reliable in his communication both on dates and between dates. And things only ever felt like they were moving forward, never like they were stalling or moving backward. No matter what happens with my current guy, I have realised what it feels like to date someone who is clearly into you. There is no (or very minimal) second guessing. I wasted a lot of time in the past analysing guys and at the end of the day, most guys are pretty straight forward. When they're interested, they make it clear they're interested, both when they are with you and when you are apart.
Author Kate3937 Posted April 5, 2016 Author Posted April 5, 2016 The guy I dated before my now boyfriend was a brutal texter. He'd take forever to reply, he'd take forever to plan the next date and basically it all just felt very slow moving and like there was no momentum. Yet on dates he'd talk about activities we should do in the future and how great I was. It was very confusing and I made a lot of excuses for his behaviour because I was tired of dating and I liked him. Jejangles, BINGO. I feel like you have been there with me on these dates. Was very keen and talked about future, and other activities how much he likes me, which is so ridiculously confusing. No more excuses for someones behavior, if they are interested they will call and if not, then maybe prince charming is around the next bend. 1
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