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Inexplicable regret and depression from recent BU (same sex)

brokendreams82

By brokendreams82
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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brokendreams82 Member

brokendreams82

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Hello LSers, I've been reading here for some reassurance and self therapy I guess and decided to finally post my story (sorry for the long one). If anyone can help (please not so much criticism I feel terrible as it is even though I deserve it).

 

So my GF of 7 months finally ended our whirlwind relationship. We are both women in our 30s (and yes I should have been more mature I realise).

 

Short story is my previous relationship (6 years ago) ended terribly and I never fully got over it until this new relationship (yes 6 years later it took me to find that kind of love again hence the pain).

 

I'm totally to blame due to getting drunk a few times and lashing out, being mean and obnoxious but not directed at my GF.. I've been completely stressed with 24/7 work and mother undergoing chemo the time we were together and I know it's been wrong to take it out on the one I love when totally drunk.

I realise I need to work on my own inner insecurities/anger/frustration as well as cutting my drinking to never get into that situation. She told me previously not to be like that again and STUPIDLY I did months later.

 

It was her birthday (horrible I know and regret it to the core).. I said a comment about her acquaintance that night that she seemed rather hard work to talk to - I felt I was making all the conversation.. and she launched into me saying I was judgemental and mean to which an argument ensued. I didn't even mean what I said and wish I never said it. Anyway.. I managed to apologise and had a decent weekend after that bar a lot of damage between us (again to which I regret.. I was a little guarded and detached.. though I realise looking back I was in the total wrong and should have been grovelling the whole weekend). We don't live in the same city and I had to go home and look after my mother.. anyway as the week went by she got colder and colder at messaging (we messaged every day several times a day usually throughout the whole 7 months). I could tell she was distancing and should have gone over the weekend following but didn't as had a plan with other friends (BIG MISTAKE i know.. should have still been repairing my damage from her birthday).

 

Anyway in the second week apart I got a job in her city so we could be properly together (was LDR before this but saw each other most weekends). It was all we wanted to be in the same city and experience a fun life there together.

 

We met up the second weekend and had a drink/food where I was totally insecure and asked her if she'd met someone else (ANOTHER MAJOR MISTAKE as she's not like that.. I was just paranoid and panicking). The following morning I tried to cuddle her in bed but she repelled and got very guarded.. we had a talk and she said she couldn't trust that it wouldn't happen again.. that I would get drink and be aggressive (verbally! def not physically let me just emphasise I'm not that bad).

 

After this she put up a wall and said maybe we could try dating and it may be better if in the same city.. anyway it left on a cold note.. we met up a couple of times but each time she was distant until finally on the last night she said she just couldn't trust me again which I completely understand even though I said I'd curb my drinking and loved her dearly and would never do it again. That I loved her and wanted a more open communicative happy relationship. We had communication issues previously as we are bother rather conflict avoidant introverts.

 

I was hoping we could be friends at least seeing as we were in the same city and maybe I could build the trust back but she said we will never be together again and to let her be to which I said I respected and haven't contacted her since. She said she felt negative about the situation right now.

 

I just want to write her an email apologising for everything. It took me 6 years to find another girl that I truly loved.. she is an amazing woman and we have so much in common on so many levels.. personality, interests, values). I hate myself for acting the complete opposite of what I felt for her which is total love and respect (and I know yes I didn't show it on the times I was drunk, I'm the first to admit and beat myself up about every day).

 

I've now gone NC to respect her wishes.. it's so hard as we are still friends on social media and she's going to lots of cultural events that she knows we would both love to do together. It just kills me that I had such an amazing life set up for us for this year and now I've just thrown it away for nothing. The opposite of what I wanted. I don't know if I have self destructive tendencies or what the hell is going on with me but I can't cope with the regret. So many "if only" I'd done that at that time.. my whole life would be different now.

 

I know I'm totally in the wrong and you will all time me to suffer the consequences of my actions, that I'm old enough to know better and grow up.. which I tell myself every second of the day. I just miss her so much and can't forgive myself for screwing up. I don't even know where to go from here in my life it's just crumbled and I can't get over the fact that I messed up everything I wanted for such a long time along with the agony of how much I hurt and disrespected her.

 

I don't know whether to write her a sincere apology letter or to just carry on NC which I know is respecting her wishes (and I realise I need to show respect).

 

Oh sorry I just needed to tell someone.. God I hope she doesn't read this. I'm taking it as a severe lesson learned but I can't even imagine meeting anyone like her for a long time again.

 

Thank you for reading. Any comments welcome. Please don't be too harsh, I know I messed up and need to accept things and self evaluate/improve myself. Just truly devastated.

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brokendreams82 Member

brokendreams82

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anyone? if anyone has any opinion i would appreciate x

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Weathersf1 Member

Weathersf1

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I'm sorry for the BU and heartache. I know where you're coming from as I'm in the same boat. It took me 7 years to find someone and we ended 3 months ago after 3 years. I have gone through every single emotion that you're going through and from what I am told and have read, its going to get worse before it gets better.

 

You have come to the right place. There are some amazingly strong, wise and honest people on here that will support you through this phase. Regarding No Contact, I have battled with that a lot. Just a small text, an email, maybe a call, if could just show up with flowers at her work or go to her home and get on my knees and beg her to give me one more shot. If I just let her know, I'm still here. It may be over but I'll always be there if she needs me. How sorry I am, how much I miss her, if I could this or if I could that, the list is endless.

 

I'm huge believer of listening to people that are objective and not emotionally attached. Just about every person on here has advised to keep NC and I have stuck to it.

 

I won't lie that its been rough and I advise that you listen to others but also to yourself. If you truly believe, that you can say or do something to change the situation, then do it. But if she has been clear that she wants NC then you have to respect that and let her come to you.

 

Acceptance is really hard especially when it makes you witness your dream go up in flames and forces you to start over, recreate yourself and dream again. Problems are opportunities that just haven't presented themselves (I heard Vincent Fisk in Daredevil say that and I loved it).

 

You like all of us have made mistakes. Its called being human. Try not to beat on yourself and let time do its magic.

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Satu Established Member

Satu

Posted
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If your drinking causes problems, you've got a drink problem.

 

QED.

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brokendreams82 Member

brokendreams82

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I'm sorry for the BU and heartache. I know where you're coming from as I'm in the same boat. It took me 7 years to find someone and we ended 3 months ago after 3 years. I have gone through every single emotion that you're going through and from what I am told and have read, its going to get worse before it gets better.

 

You have come to the right place. There are some amazingly strong, wise and honest people on here that will support you through this phase. Regarding No Contact, I have battled with that a lot. Just a small text, an email, maybe a call, if could just show up with flowers at her work or go to her home and get on my knees and beg her to give me one more shot. If I just let her know, I'm still here. It may be over but I'll always be there if she needs me. How sorry I am, how much I miss her, if I could this or if I could that, the list is endless.

 

I'm huge believer of listening to people that are objective and not emotionally attached. Just about every person on here has advised to keep NC and I have stuck to it.

 

I won't lie that its been rough and I advise that you listen to others but also to yourself. If you truly believe, that you can say or do something to change the situation, then do it. But if she has been clear that she wants NC then you have to respect that and let her come to you.

 

Acceptance is really hard especially when it makes you witness your dream go up in flames and forces you to start over, recreate yourself and dream again. Problems are opportunities that just haven't presented themselves (I heard Vincent Fisk in Daredevil say that and I loved it).

 

You like all of us have made mistakes. Its called being human. Try not to beat on yourself and let time do its magic.

 

Thank you so much Weather.. I really really appreciate your reply. It's awful I know.. it would be so much easier if I'd been a perfect gf (which ironically I always wanted to be as I loved her so much).. but insecurities sometimes mess us up. Thank you so much for your support.

 

Yeah I will carry on NC and respect her but there's just so much apology I want to make.. I guess that would piss her off more as I've tried.

 

She's in repulsive mode now.. so I need to stick to NC (again which is so rubbish as on the night it happened she was all over me). If only time machines were available!!! crikey I would be the perfect GF. Life oh life.

 

Sorry you're in the same position.. it totally sucks.. I guess in time maybe we can apologise sincerely once the negative emotions have subsided. Until then.. just take it day by day.

 

Thank you again xx

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jen1447 Established Member

jen1447

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I see no reason why you can't send her an apology email, as long as the apology's genuine and you don't use it to start negotiating or make it a new communication chain. Ppl always want some closure, so that's a perfectly normal urge.

 

She might actually appreciate it on some level, even if she never says so, and it'll almost certainly make you feel better. :)

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brokendreams82 Member

brokendreams82

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Thank you so much for your reply Jen, appreciate it :)

 

Well I def want to genuinely apologise after lots of reflection these past few weeks. I'm not sure about closure as I really do hope sometime in the future (when we are over the pain) that we could at least have some friendship as we really do have so much in common with similar personalities and get on well as people. There aren't that many similar lesbians where we live!!

 

Maybe I will give her a little more time and respect her wishes to leave her be. I will write maybe in a few weeks and just tell her my true intention to apologise and that I don't expect a response for her to carry on being. I just want her to know that I didn't mean to hurt her to hopefully help her heal also and not be so angry/resentful as I truly regret it all and not how I internally felt, that I did cafe for her dearly.

 

Thank you again :) I hope you're well

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angelcake Established Member

angelcake

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How were things between the two of you on the day leading up to her birthday?

 

I ask because it seems to me that she was looking for a reason to break up, so she used your behavior as her excuse?

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brokendreams82 Member

brokendreams82

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Hi angelcake, well it was ok the day of her birthday she called me to see when I was arriving, awaiting my presence then throughout the night I got her a surprise cake at the restaurant we went to with a group of friends and we had a good time, we were affectionate and she's always quite tactile. I just totally screwed up in the last 2 minutes on the walk home. God if only there were time machines!! :( harsh life lessons. I guess they're the only way we learn and improve sometimes!

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brokendreams82 Member

brokendreams82

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oh nooooo I saw her on the online dating site this evening - the same one we met on :( I'm devastated.. how can she move on so quickly?! She was all over me not too long ago and things were great. This feels like such a nightmare. Back to square one!! grrr.

gimlynick Established Member

gimlynick

Posted
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oh nooooo I saw her on the online dating site this evening - the same one we met on :( I'm devastated.. how can she move on so quickly?! She was all over me not too long ago and things were great. This feels like such a nightmare. Back to square one!! grrr.

 

Doesn't it mean that you are on it aswell?

She probably has the same bad feeling like you and just tries to cope with it by 'flirting' with other girls, or she does it to play mindgames.

Don't care about it. If she really cared about you she will also need months to get a lil bit over you.

 

 

Can't you block her on that datingsite?

 

 

Good luck

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brokendreams82 Member

brokendreams82

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Doesn't it mean that you are on it aswell?

She probably has the same bad feeling like you and just tries to cope with it by 'flirting' with other girls, or she does it to play mindgames.

Don't care about it. If she really cared about you she will also need months to get a lil bit over you.

 

 

Can't you block her on that datingsite?

 

 

Good luck

 

Thank you for your reply :)

 

Ah well I set up a fake profile (I know I know!) to see if she'd be on.. just to get an insight of what she was thinking and seems like she's trying to move on. I know I shouldn't but in a way I needed to know to help me realise but it's just made it worse. You're right maybe she is coping.. I know she doesn't have many friends in the city and now there's a big gap in her life too I guess she's trying to fill or really just totally over me and can't wait to get into a new fun relationship :( so ridiculous we were great. I just messed up.

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