Girlfriend of 2.75 years breaks up suddenly - Unresolved Abandonment Issues

[lolololol]

Hey,

 

I am a 24 year old male who was in a very beautiful, fulfilling relationship with a 23 year old female for 1000 days (as of 3rd March, 2016).

 

It was a very strong relationship where her family was pressing for us to get married. My family knew about our relationship, but were yet to meet her. Dating is a "taboo" sort of thing, here in India. We were waiting to get married ASAP. We had planned how many kids, what to name them, how to raise them, all of it. All of whom we've met believed we were literally made for each other because we complimented each other so very well.

 

The only real differences of opinion we ever used to have was about me moving out of my current job that I hate. I used to make an effort to do so and she knew that as well. She knew I was trying to move out of my current IT domain and move into automobiles or a business. Hence the difficulty in changing jobs. She knew and acknowledged this, but at times, would tell me that I am not working hard enough to bring about a change. She always maintained that it didn't matter how much money I make, she just wanted me to be happy.

 

She moved to a new job in mid-February, 2016.

Say my pay is X.

Her previous pay was 2x.

Now, it is 3x.

 

I finally got her to meet my parents on my birthday a week after she joined the new company.

 

I told her how my dad was willing to help with the finances to setup a motorcycle workshop after around six months. During which time, he wanted me to stick around in my current job to ensure we can get a loan from the bank for building a house. I had told her this.

 

Three days after meeting my parents, I get a text from her saying,

"After going to xxxxxx company, I am not sure about our relationship. People are soooo passionate and driven. I am scared you will never risk or work hard to get there."

 

I told her what my dad told me and how I want to start a workshop.

 

She said, "Your wish. I'm not sure."

 

Somehow, the pressure to showcase that I am working hard and looking to move out increased substantially after she moved to this new company.

 

Also, during this time, I noticed that we weren't speaking over the phone as much as we were before. And when we did, she would speak about this guy in her office who is apparently very, very smart. Is hard working and humble despite his dad already owing a tech company and him driving an Audi Q3.

 

Apart from that, there were no major issues in the relationship at all. Absolutely zero insecurities in terms of whom we were hanging out with and speaking to.

 

Just that once in a while, she would ask me never to leave her. I would assure her I never would.

 

She even came with me to the airport to send off my best friend and was my shoulder to cry on during the time. We had a similar argument that day during lunch when she gave the first real signs of breaking this up. I told her very calmly that I am doing whatever I can and will ensure that I am out of my current company and doing something I like by the time we get married.

 

During the next few days, I asked her if there is some distance building between us. She said she loves me, but not sure what kind of love it is and that she was very confused.

 

March 2nd, I tell her how I am scared that nothing is working out in my career. She tells me to do whatever I feel like doing, she will stand by my side. Later on in the evening, we finally spoke for some time. When she started saying things like not that intent on getting married, kids and marriage will come in the way of her ambitions and stuff. I told her we can accommodate her dreams by delaying whatever needs to be delayed. No problem at all. Again she spoke about the guy in her office.

 

March 3rd, she messages like normal in the morning. Goes for a team outing and says she'll go to bed once she got home. I asked her to stay up for a while so we can talk. She messages saying she will try to stay awake. Tries to stay away but then says good night because it got too late. I texted her "Good night" once I got home from work. She called immediately and asked me for a two-month break. I asked her very calmly, with no accusatory tone, "Is there someone else?". She immediately went, "Is this because of X?". She immediately broke up right there and said the reasons were:

1) I don't work hard and am lazy - Fact is, she has seen me work really hard during my college days to set my career right and on days where there is real work at my workplace. Heck, I was working on restoring my bike upto 3AM and she knew this!

2) I don't stand up for the relationship - She said that I will never tell the world I am with her. I told her how my world already knew - my parents, my friends, colleagues, everyone!

 

I begged and pleaded the next day asking her to reconsider. She would not budge.

 

I went LC over the next few days and was in horrible shape.

 

Suddenly, the guy she was always talking about asked her out within two weeks of us breaking up. And last I spoke to her, she blushes when she speaks to him and is considering dating him!

 

There are other issues she might have like overthinking, inability to grasp uncertainty and abandonment issues.

 

Is the new guy a rebound? Is she having GIGS? Or is this her past unresolved issues acting up?

 

Please help!

 

Willing to provide any further details if necessary.

[KingLuka]

I'm sorry you are going through this man, its not nice and i recently broke up with my gf who I thought was the love of my life tbh. 2 months on and im still not really coping great.

 

First of all, what are GIGGS?

[lolololol]

I'm sorry you are going through this man, its not nice and i recently broke up with my gf who I thought was the love of my life tbh. 2 months on and im still not really coping great.

 

First of all, what are GIGGS?

 

I know what you feel, man.

 

GIGS - Grass Is Greener Syndrome

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/251986-grass-greener-syndrome

Edited April 3, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed outside Loveshack urls

[username0]

Read some threads here when you have the time. You'll be surprised how much good it does to you. Don't chase this man. Be strong. Its a really hard thing and very painful but its a part of life. You shouldn't be treated in such a way.

 

Find someone who treats you better and actually cares about you. She broke up with you well fine, she wants a life without you let's see how she likes it. Your not a doormat or some weak guy. People that want you will fight for you and always want to make things work even after break ups and arguments.

 

I won't lie. Its hard as hell. But you'll feel better. Time helps and keeping occupied.

[username0]

And yeah. I think its GIGGS no doubt.

[lolololol]

Here's a surprising twist.

 

The ex-girlfriend really does have unresolved abandonment issues. Almost every single symptom fits her to the T.

 

The need for perfection: Telling me to not leave her if she puts on weight. Not to leave her because she has scars, has a big booty, etc.

 

Overreacting to situations one feels abandoned: Definitely at least two incidents I have in mind. Most important one being having an anxiety attack almost if I am on my bike and am late and not answering her calls.

 

Being insecure: Always scared I will leave her

 

Finding Flaws: Lazy, not working hard, etc. Finding a way to break a relationship yourself before the other person does. In reality, she has seen my work hard. But her fears of me becoming like her father have likely taken over her rational self preventing her from seeing the real picture.

 

Constant need of reassurance: Need to keep reminding her of how much I love her and how awesome she is.

 

Scared to get attached: She is very scared of letting people know her real self. While she appears like a confident person on the outside, she craves for acceptance on the inside.

 

Jumping into new relationships just after an old one: The constant need to feel longed and loved

 

I am 100% sure these are abandonment issues.

 

I spoke to her this morning and she acknowledged that she does display a few of those signs but that it cannot be the main reason for the breakup.

 

With regard to not working hard and being lazy, I remember her saying that she is scared I will become like her father. Who was never available for her emotionally. In her fear of me not becoming her father, she has forgotten who I really am and has tried very hard to not see me as her father. He anxiety eventually gave in and he cracked.

 

As for not standing up for her, there are articles that suggest that people with abandonment issues are hypersensitive to situations where they expect to be supported but have believed they were abandoned. This happened once when I asked her not to swear at a mob during an argument. She believed I should not pull her down if I cannot support her. Whereas in reality, I just did that to ensure we can get out of the situation safely.

 

This is not confirmation bias.

 

I really, really love this girl and would do anything to get her back.

 

Please tell me what can be done.

[loveweary11]

Sucks.

 

The relationship is toast.

 

Any time a girl you are with gets a new job, goes to school or does whatever like that and you're not a part of it, 7/10 times, she leaves the current guy for a new guy who is more "driven", "ambitious", "smarter" "spiritual" or what have you.

 

Might as well break up before girls start anything new, imo.

 

This scenario never fails to happen.

 

Girl improves her life slightly, decides current guy is dead weight and moves on with one of the new dudes from the new life.

 

Sorry, man