abby_tx Posted April 3, 2016 Posted April 3, 2016 Backstory: I was friends with a guy for 2 years. We dated for 7. We've been broken up for 2.5 years. The two years we were friends, we talked online all day every day (though we met in person-this was not an online bf). The connection was undeniable and he left his girlfriend for me. But what do you know. 7 years later the same thing happened again. He left me for someone in a very similar manner. I forgave him and we're friends now. It's hard to end a friendship with someone who has been in your life nearly 10 years. What irritates me, is my life is an open book. We text nearly every day. I tell him about guys I'm dating. He's the first guy I've called when I've gone through breakups since him. But he keeps that side of his life a secret. I thought he'd broken up with the girl he left me for (they on and off again constantly) but it turns out they've actually been dating for two months, but he keeps up appearance as if he's single. He never flat out LIES about not being single. He just completely hides it. Like, if he's getting dinner with his girlfriend and a friend, he'll say, "I'm going to dinner with Bob" and not "I'm going to dinner with Bob and my girlfriend." He omits details. I found out through facebook they're together. I guess where I struggle... am I wrong for thinking we should both be an open book? Him hiding certain areas of his life makes me feel like this isn't a real friendship. Maybe I'm stupid. Advice is wanted.
Steven1 Posted April 3, 2016 Posted April 3, 2016 Backstory: I was friends with a guy for 2 years. We dated for 7. We've been broken up for 2.5 years. The two years we were friends, we talked online all day every day (though we met in person-this was not an online bf). The connection was undeniable and he left his girlfriend for me. But what do you know. 7 years later the same thing happened again. He left me for someone in a very similar manner. I forgave him and we're friends now. It's hard to end a friendship with someone who has been in your life nearly 10 years. What irritates me, is my life is an open book. We text nearly every day. I tell him about guys I'm dating. He's the first guy I've called when I've gone through breakups since him. But he keeps that side of his life a secret. I thought he'd broken up with the girl he left me for (they on and off again constantly) but it turns out they've actually been dating for two months, but he keeps up appearance as if he's single. He never flat out LIES about not being single. He just completely hides it. Like, if he's getting dinner with his girlfriend and a friend, he'll say, "I'm going to dinner with Bob" and not "I'm going to dinner with Bob and my girlfriend." He omits details. I found out through facebook they're together. I guess where I struggle... am I wrong for thinking we should both be an open book? Him hiding certain areas of his life makes me feel like this isn't a real friendship. Maybe I'm stupid. Advice is wanted. Something similar to me. Me and my ex split about 2 months ago now, dated for 7 years, but she has become very closed. She wants to be friends at some point in the future and has told me she is speaking to someone else etc, but I know now that one side of her life will always be a locked door from me. I think it's just something that comes with the friendship if you used to be dating imo. Think there will always be things that when in the relationship with the person they would tell you without hesitation, but once they are with someone else or have done things with other people, I don't think they feel as though they can talk to you about it. I think he will feel that since he dated you and then left you for someone else, he will always have that new part of his life sheltered from you as obviously it will involve the person he left you for. I think that's something that has to be accepted if you want to remain friends.
Emilia Posted April 3, 2016 Posted April 3, 2016 You would do yourself a huge favour if you didn't keep leaning on the guy for comfort. You shouldn't have forgiven him for leaving you for someone else and you should have the self esteem to cut contact with someone who has disrespected you so much. Clearly knowing you for 10 years meant nothing for him. You still keep seeking validation from him and that's really not cool. 2
Marco Valerio Posted April 3, 2016 Posted April 3, 2016 Well, I must say, you knew what he was up to when the two of you started flirting and dating. If he didn't have any respect for his GFs or the relationships...you can expect the same behavior and lying today. Patterns repeat themselves. 2
BC1980 Posted April 3, 2016 Posted April 3, 2016 Your situation is a good example of why it's inadvisable to be friends with an ex. You want a lot more than he can give you. He's not obligated to give you any information about anything in his life. He's not even obligated to talk to you at all. It doesn't really matter how you feel the relationship should go if he doesn't agree. I would advise that you detach from him and stop communicating. The entire thing sounds pretty unhealthy, which is evidenced by you asking for advice. True friendships should form naturally, and the communication should be natural. If you feel the relationship isn't reciprocal, it's time to take a step back. My gut feeling is that you use the "friends" excuse to stay around because you want to get back together with him. He entertains it because he likes the attention, likes you as a backup, and know he can probably get sex from you if he wants it. 2
BC1980 Posted April 3, 2016 Posted April 3, 2016 Something similar to me. Me and my ex split about 2 months ago now, dated for 7 years, but she has become very closed. She wants to be friends at some point in the future and has told me she is speaking to someone else etc, but I know now that one side of her life will always be a locked door from me. I think it's just something that comes with the friendship if you used to be dating imo. Think there will always be things that when in the relationship with the person they would tell you without hesitation, but once they are with someone else or have done things with other people, I don't think they feel as though they can talk to you about it. That is a normal transition when you stop dating a person. Most of us advise NC because it's extremely painful to be in the situation you are describing. An ex will keep you at arm's length, and you will never share that same level of intimacy again. It's much easier to simply go NC and not have any type of relationship at all. In time, most people realize that it's not worth the effort, and it's just too painful.
Author abby_tx Posted April 3, 2016 Author Posted April 3, 2016 I think you guys are right. ****. Huge reality check. I always worried this was unhealthy. I even had therapy after the breakup (just 4 sessions before quitting) and asked about this and she told me, "You'll know when the time is right..." but I didn't know and I used this as a reason to validate talking to him. Sometimes I'd call to get lunch with him since we work a few blocks away and he'd always have plans. He never asked me to lunch. He only wanted to text. And whenever I'd get in a serious relationship, that's when he'd pull the "Look at this photo I took of a valentine's day card you made for me." 1
Author abby_tx Posted April 3, 2016 Author Posted April 3, 2016 I just blocked him from facebook and my phone. I hope it sticks this time. A nearly 12 year habit is going to be hard to break. 1
Emilia Posted April 3, 2016 Posted April 3, 2016 I just blocked him from facebook and my phone. I hope it sticks this time. A nearly 12 year habit is going to be hard to break. When you are ready, you are ready. It's not always about the length of time. 1
BC1980 Posted April 3, 2016 Posted April 3, 2016 I just blocked him from facebook and my phone. I hope it sticks this time. A nearly 12 year habit is going to be hard to break. It will be difficult, but you can do it. A lot of people here have done it. It gets to the point that it's too painful and more trouble than it's worth. Everything in life has a natural endpoint, and I think some of letting go is about accepting that truth.
losangelena Posted April 3, 2016 Posted April 3, 2016 Glad you cut him off. To answer your initial question, I think it's unrealistic of you to expect him to be this "open book." Also, therapy usually takes more than four sessions to be truly beneficial. 1
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