CowgirlCoffee Posted April 3, 2016 Posted April 3, 2016 Hi, I'm a female in my early 30s who has always suffered from low self esteem and lack of confidence linked with depression. I never had more than two dates with a guy before either disappearing completely or "dating me in secret" like never introducing me to family or friends, never taking pictures with me, not allowing me to post to Facebook, etc Until I met someone by chance at a concert that I wasn't even supposed to go to all. In the beginning, my lack of trust instincted me to push him away but it didn't work. We became a couple and he posted it to Facebook, introduced me to his mom and rest of family and we took a vacation together. But last night he broke up with me after I lashed out about something having to do with work saying he got over his own depression and he's sick of dealing with mine and I can't be happy with him or with anyone else until I'm happy with myself, which I agree. I'm going to see a new therapist which is something I haven't done in years and am looking into taking disability leave from work due to my depression and stress which I'll also use that time to look for another job in the field that I wanted. But I don't understand why after saying he loves me constantly and the last time we hung out he even said we could make anything work, to just giving up on me. If you love someone, I think you'd want to see them through their worst times like this. He said that he didn't want to break up with me but that we "had to" and being together doesn't benefit either of us. But I don't agree and I want us to be together. I just don't know how or when to go about getting him back. I'm excited to picture me working to get my mental health under control and working at a better us to. Any advice or help us much appreciated from the bottom of my broken heart
d0nnivain Posted April 3, 2016 Posted April 3, 2016 I'm sorry this happened to you but glad that you have decided to get a new therapist. Sometimes a fresh perspective can be helpful. Before you leave your current therapist, discuss this break up. That person will have better insights in the short term as the new therapist doesn't know you yet. One of the things my therapist kept telling me was I had to chose to be happy. Every time he said that I wanted to throw something at him. I found that advice infuriating. I kept thinking if it was that easy I wouldn't be paying him. But you know what? When I tried it. . . somewhat got forced into it, it actually worked. I used to wallow which made things worse. It was hard to get up, get dressed & get out. But we started having work done on the house. With all the construction, I had to leave & get back into a routine. I felt so much better. It was easier to chose to be happier. You know better than most how debilitating & isolating depression can be. You don't have the emotional reserves to help yourself. Having been depressed himself, he knows that he has limited coping skills. He may have been barely holding himself together so he knew he didn't have anything left to help you & he became afraid that you would drag him back under too so he had to let go to save himself. There is a small silver lining: you finally broke your pattern of dating guys who disappeared or wanted to hide you. After you restabilize from this, you should be able to find another relatively good guy once you are a bit stronger. Hang in there & good luck.
Emilia Posted April 3, 2016 Posted April 3, 2016 No love is not enough. There comes a time when the battle gets too much.
Author CowgirlCoffee Posted April 3, 2016 Author Posted April 3, 2016 I actually haven't saw a therapist in a number of years and have decided that I really need to again, which I knew before he broke up with me but I kept putting it off. I find myself holding onto him still saying he loves me when we broke up and saying that all the time to me. I love him dearly too and pictured so much of our long term future together. I would like to try and win him back but don't really know what's the right way to go about it
d0nnivain Posted April 3, 2016 Posted April 3, 2016 I love him dearly too and pictured so much of our long term future together. I would like to try and win him back but don't really know what's the right way to go about it Power down on the ILY. He can't handle that from you right now. I generally don't think you can win somebody back. However, in your case, you might give it one shot by telling him 1). you care about him [not that you love him]; 2). you recognize that your depression caused problems, you are sorry & you are taking steps -- getting back into therapy -- to address those so you hope in light of that change he can see his way clear to date you again. . If that single attempt does not lure him back, let him go. Do not chase or beg. 1
Author CowgirlCoffee Posted April 8, 2016 Author Posted April 8, 2016 So I've written him three days ago not being able to help myself and he read it and still hasn't replied. I basically apologized for all the lashing out at him and that I realize a relationship shouldn't be like that. I told him while I'm very optimistic of my future and feeling better about myself and my confidence while getting help, I couldn't help but feel something is missing, my baby. I also told him I think we could make it work, remember how you said we always do? I'm kind of now wishing I had never sent it as it hurts beyond words to send a long heartfelt message to the one who means the most to me and has my heart and for it to go ignored. I laid all of my feelings out to him but didn't beg or plead. I don't know what the next steps could be in getting him back into my life again
d0nnivain Posted April 8, 2016 Posted April 8, 2016 Sadly there aren't any next steps. You tried. He declined your offer. There isn't anything else. The good news is that you are brave. You took a chance. Yes, you didn't get the result you wanted but you gave it a shot. Now that you have had this experience you will behave differently in your next relationship.
Author CowgirlCoffee Posted April 8, 2016 Author Posted April 8, 2016 Thanks. It hurts very deeply right now because I can't picture myself with anyone else and my heart truly belongs to him. I keep hoping every morning that I wake up to that reply. For me to send something that long and that heartfelt and have it ignored by someone who always told me he loved me, even at random times just to remind me feels like a devastating blow. He could have at least replied negatively instead of no reply at all.
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