My relationship broke, and it doesn't make sense what happened.

April 3, 2016

Hi guys,

I'd like to share a story that broke me into a lot of pain, confusion and self doubt. I'd like if somebody can help me understand all of this. I'm open to constructive criticisms.

In January of this year, my ex (24) broke up with me (27). This was my first relationship. It lasted merely for 5 months.

Bear with me, this is going to be a long read. But I've tried to shell out as many details as possible. I really want to understand what went wrong.

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On our first date she said three things that stuck in my head. One that she has trouble articulating her feeling in words; two, she thinks she probably doesn't know how to judge people, three, the only thing she cannot tolerate is lies. I liked that she opened up very early.

Things were going well. We got committed within 2 months of dating. We really liked each other and we fell in love.

She made me meet one of her friends who she considers to be "good at judging people".

There was a lot of intimacy and bonding between us. She expressed that she respects me for who I am as a person. She used to often say that I make her feel comfortable and secure.

Both of us have been open about our life. She described her past 2 exes as "psychos". And the last ex had faked all his life story. She was in a relationship with this guy for 6-7 months, until she found out the truth about him and she was so hurt that she simply cut him off. It was justified. After hearing this, I wanted to make sure she knows as much as possible about me and meets people close to me. I put every effort to build trust in our relationship. I even shared my insecurities with her so she knows me well. She said like me, even she was looking for a serious relationship. We were on the same page.

(Her father has been playing mind games with her to get her back home, ever since she's come to my city. Since he doesn't like the idea that her daughter is out in a city all by herself. He also suspects she would find a guy for herself. He wants her to pursue something "big" and walk on his lines. He has called her a loser for doing what she's doing with her career. She told me once she feels like she's struggling and nothing is working out for her. She once said that our relationship is the only thing going good in her life right now). But she's strong, her mother has been supporting her to live her life.

(Soon after she shared stories of her father and how cruel he was when she was growing up. She said her father is not a good man. He's an overachiever and a narcissist, a wife beater, and has done horrible things with his family. Her mother has stayed with him throughout only because of her kids. She had no good reason otherwise. My ex said that lately she's become as such that she cannot empathize with anyone who cries. She once shared that she cried alone when her father mocked her.

Despite all this she said that she can convince her parents. She knows how to. She knows how to convince her father. And said she feels it will all work out. She was interested in taking things forward with the relationship. But seemed indecisive at the same time. She said she has trouble making big decisions. So, I gave her space to think and evaluate. Meanwhile, I just focused on spending good times together.) I even told her that when you're fighting between your head and your heart, always chose your head (think logically).

At times, she said that she should have listened to her father and pursued a path of career that he insisted. But at the same time she used to say that she has no respect for him. When I asked her what are her priorities in her life, she mentioned a few things where I was nowhere on list. I questioned if I am anywhere on the list, she said "oh yes, and you". Next time she talked about priorities she used append my name on list as if it was obligatory to mention me.

She was very quick to judge. And she admitted this herself. I also felt at a lot of times she bottles up her feelings and doesn't speak up when she wants to. And I like to talk things out, and not afraid to speak up, as long as it's for the better.

My parents had come to know about our relationship through my "friends". My dad wanted to meet her. I asked my ex if she would be OK meeting him since he's insisting. She reacted as if she got offended, looked down as asked me 'did you know about this, before started dating?'. I explained how my parents have been and I do not want to get married soon. I assured her, the decision will be in our control. She and I met my father and he talked nicely, but expressed that he would like her to let her parents know. After the meet I told her to not be worried about that. She can take as much time she needs. She was OK since then. She even told that her parents would start looking for a potential partner soon, so she'll have to tell them.

Now we're meeting as usual and our relationship is only getting stronger. We're getting more intimate. I have always tried my best to give her enough space, because I know everything is going too fast. We later had a discussion about our future since our relationship was growing, and I wanted to hear what she feels, to ensure we're on the same page.

In December, she had an argument with her dad and she texts me "You're the only good thing in my life right now".

She has also asked me a few times - what if she leaves her parents and marries me, will my parents accept her?

Sometimes she randomly used to say, that she has said "yes" to me for commitment very early, and she should have taken more time. But at the same time, she loved the comfort and my company.

1. The day before when she was about to leave the city for some work, she caught an eye infection. When she came to see me off (this time we were in a moderately crowded area), she leaned forward to kiss me, but I didn't, because I thought she knew I do not like the idea of PDA. It was that moment when I realized it was too late. She left disappointed. The next day, I suggested her to go to a doctor and get her eyes checked. She didn't want to, so I helped her find out what might be wrong, and we found she might have conjunctivitis. I was going to drop her off at the airport and I reached 15 mins late (I had taken a half day from work), she's had a bad day at work and is angry at me for coming late. She thought I was avoiding her because she had conjunctivitis!! I did not talk about this during the journey. Later I did, and she still seemed mad about it. I felt bad and I told her I would never do that to her! I was surprised that she felt like that.

2. Few weeks later she randomly texts me - "You're bored of me and you don't love me anymore". I was shocked and I called her up several times, and she did not answer. I got worried, angry and confused. Then things settled. I thought may be she was just playing around. She later sent me an audio of a "kiss".

3. Once when she was talking to her mother on phone, and I think her mother pointed something about men and relations. My ex rested her head on my shoulder while saying "a good guy is all what matters". I felt relive that she was really happy with me. And all that happened didn't matter, and she's going through a rough time.

4. I have a bad week at work and something happened that made me weep a little. I shared my feeling with her and she cheered me up. One day I got frustrated and was ranting over a few things. She got quiet and didn't seem to like it. I told her that I can be like that at times, she said that's ok, i'll be there to stop you.

December, 2015 -

5. She was at her friend's place and was unwell. She randomly texted me - "Why do I trust you. Why Why Why". I was surprised what is going on? I instantly started questioning myself if I had done something that would make her say that, then I thought she might be having a trouble trusting me because of her last ex. I was surprised to see that text. May be I was overthinking. I took it jokingly at first since she was unwell, then I asked her what was that about? She did not reply that night, despite seeing my message. And the next morning I ask her again and she made excuses to prove that it was something silly and she was joking around. She then told me that she and her friend were talking about "something something". (When we broke up, she finally revealed she said that under the influence of alcohol, and got reminded of her ex).

6. We plan for a trip and we're excited, since this was going to be our first. We have a very good time. And while returning she's very happy and was ideating over future trips that we can go to. While returning she's sharing her decision to stay in the city, if her exam doesn't get her into her dream job. And her parents would be content that she's settling with a good guy and at the same time working in the same city.

7. I was sick during this month and the illness wasn't going away. It was getting worse despite a number of medications. One day I got tensed and shared with her how worried I am, and I hope it's not something serious. She supported me and suggested some alternative medicinal options. But this is the time, I expressed my negative side.

7. We meet again, and out of no where she tells me that people are not happy in marriages, and she has seen her friends who're not very happy after marriage. I replied as "yes, i know. there will be good and bad times both". She made an expression as if she didn't liked hearing that.

January, 2016 -

8. I get her a rose (for the first time) and a dessert, on eve of January 1, 2016. After surprising her with a rose, she instantly said 'oh, so you're in love'. Then she hugged and kissed me. I found it weird to hear that. I shared some bits about my health, and she randomly asked me - "How do I look at life?". I said I want to travel and be at places.

9. Next day she sends me a photograph of the rose, nicely preserved in a watered container. I was happy to see that she valued it. But the way we are conversing has changed. I thought may be she's just tensed that her important exam is approaching.

10. Next day, she sends me a web-link to a job opening in a different city, and didn't utter any word. I expressed that it looks like a good opportunity, but the location is far off. She replied with - "so what??" Since i'm living with my parents, and i'll to think this over. And we never had a clear discussion about it in person. (Turns out :| at the end of our breakup, she ended up moving to that city).

11. The following days she wasn't talking as she did before. Something really was off. I asked if she's OK? After hesitation she says there is something but isn't sure if it's because of the exam pressure or what. I didn't liked the sound of that. We meet and she tells me that she doesn't want to get married anytime soon, since she's not prepared. I got irritated and asked her to tell me what's on her mind, and if she finds any worth in this relation to take it forward, if so, please tell me when you be able to talk to your mother about us. (My annoyance was out of frustration that I had to dig everything out of her to share important bits with me, and things she has said recently were making me worried. I was thinking is she even serious about our relationship). I know I was being pushy here. And I could have reacted more maturely.

12. Now my insecurities pop in. My health is not good, I didn't like what I said to her, and what was going on. I realize she hasn't met me with any other friend of hers. And one day she's about to meet a friend, I invite myself to the meet. The entire day passes and she doesn't communicate with me about it. I had cancelled my dinner at home, and I called her up in the night, and I told her I had skipped my dinner to meet your all. And she said "Our plan got cancelled. Don't feel bad *in a sad-voice*.

13. Now I'm realizing that she's avoiding me. Or I am getting insecure. I don't know. Another time she invites me for dinner, and her friend is around (the only one she introduced me to). I'm work and I inform her that I might be a little late and I suggested to have the dinner, since I might be more late. She called up later to check where I am and wanted to accompany me for dinner. I informed her that i'll reach in 10 minutes, and I actually did. I reach the place and I am very hungry. I wait for 20 minutes and she hasn't arrived. I got sad and started eating. The finish the dinner and text her to not come. I felt bad about the text and called her up to check where she was, and turns out she was actually on her way (she lived 2 mins away from the restaurant). I felt very bad and tried talking to her. She looked angry and disappointed. She was aloof. I told her that I co-incidentally reached on time and thought she's avoiding me. She tells me - "Language has been invented for lies". I was shocked! She thought I was lying!

14. Now things are just falling apart, and she's aloof. I text her asking patiently something's wrong and we need to talk. Something has changed. She replies that nothing has changed and she's worried about a lot of things. And there's nothing I can do to help her. And she doesn't want to hurt me.

15. We meet again. And she's treating me like a stranger, and is not happy. She tells me, if her mother does not agree, she will not be able to take things forward. I got sentimental, confused and frustrated. Because I couldn't make sense of the recent events, and now she's saying something that contradicts whatever she said earlier. She immediately said "i made a mistake, i should not have given you hopes". It felt like I involve her in every big decision we make, and god knows what she has been assuming and thinking so far. It sounded like an excuse to bail out politely, and a genuine reason at the same time. It felt like she got fed up of me, but also loves my company at the same time? If so, then why she kissed me all the time, she bit me in loving way, and liked being intimate? I had many questions because what she's saying now is contradicting what she claimed earlier. I asked her if this is the end? I asked her if she'll be able to move on? She tell she'll keep herself busy. I leave in disappointment and talking to self that I was stupid to be in hopes. She heard me and instantly said in a crying voice - "Let me at least try talking to her!!". I left seeing her crying face and I felt horrible after this, thinking what am I doing! I'm putting her through all this, I do not want to lose her, I don't know what to do, I don't know what I am doing, I feel misunderstood. She called me up checking where I was going, I told her i'm going home and told her to please take care of herself. Since then, things just worsened. I didn't sleep throughout the night and was texting her that we'll figure a way out and so on. She simply replies with "please sleep".

16. I was sobbing throughout the next day, skipped work, was confused having panic attacks. I got to see a side of her that I never expected to see. I felt like someone close to me died!! I met her to express how I am feeling. She meets me with a time limit of an hour, since she had to attend a meeting. I couldn't help but burst into tears and cried like a child. I felt helpless that is she leaving me because of my negative side, have I hurt her, what's wrong? I asked her if she was having trouble trusting me. I expressed all that and she said "you'll never be able to understand me". I felt bad about myself.

She looked more alert and analytical than sad that that point. She tells me 'I cannot fake love'. 'Love is a big word'. When I asked her, if she even cares that I am going through all this. She said in a frustrating manner - "my feelings don't surface", and looked like she was attempting to cry. I felt even worse that WTF am I doing to her! Then she revealed that she did not make me meet her other friends because she felt they'll judge me. I asked why would they do that? What's there to be ashamed of? She said because we met online. Then she said, "I can make you meet someone". I felt as if she was doing me a favor?

She later said "I know you'll keep me happy, and I know i'll keep you happy, but I don't have the courage to speak to my mother". I got confused and asked why?? She said because my mother is god to me. Whatever I am today, is because of her! And after all that my mother has been through... I cannot reveal to my mother about us". She at the end tells me, i'll try talking to my mother, I said what will you tell her? She yelled I don't know!! I tell her why did you break up with me, it doesn't make sense. She said "what breakup are you talking about??"Later, I tell her to leave since she's getting late for work and she by asking me she should really leave. I texted her to take care of herself. After some conversation she tells 'she's emotionless, and she finds comfort in the face that she's not alone, a lot of people are like her'. She said she'll always be there.

17. The next day I tried to talk to her, and she said i'll meet you, but things won't be normal anymore.

18. Few days pass and I try not to disturb her more since her exams are nearby. But never attempted to check how I am doing. I called her up to check how she is doing, she casually said 'i'm fine'. I meet her once again and I try to talk coherently, and said i'll wait for you if you need time. She said I don't want to keep you hanging since I might never be able to tell my mother. She said find new girls. I felt offended as if all of this was a joke! I asked her to kiss me. She kissed me right away and hugged me twice. Then I expressed how much I loved her, and I don't want to lose her, she said it's just been 5 months, how can I...? I didn't know what to say or do. I did not know if I was just being politely rejected, was all this an outcome of a misunderstanding, did I **** it up, or was this destiny? What happened?

19. I ask her is there something she wants to say and share? She says what's there to say? I cannot marry you. I try to sort out some things that she said, she loses her temper and finally tells me that we should stop talking. She was earlier intending to keep in touch. But, she knew we cannot be friends. I'm not sure what she wanted. I told her I don't like the way you're talking to me, and it's hard to accept what's going on. She says "I can talk to you the way you want me to". WTF! Does this mean she was really playing all along??

20. She later said, "how many times should I say, it's not your fault", "it's pointless, please delete my contact", "i'm not the right girl for you", "no, I never loved you, and I used to meet you since you were lonely. hence you have gotten habituated to my presence" (she said something similar for her last ex).

21. I met her for the last time on insisting and she revealed that she's leaving to another city, and dropping her current career to pursue a new one. She doesn't like this city anymore. That was another shocker! Did I make her leave the city? She used to like it here! She had made a decision to stay here 2 weeks ago! She said "you only told me to think logically during a moment of indecision, right? I have decided. And a decision is a decision, you're supposed to stick to it, right?". I felt like did I still have a chance? WTF? She said I was anyway going to cut you off completely, and said one of us has to be strong. I asked her why did she say that she never loved me? She replied "I said that because I don't feel like before".

22. Later she said that "we have no future". What did she mean by that? This completely contradicts the reason she gave for the breakup!

She knew that we had something special. She even talked about what to name our kids. And I still strongly believe that had we communicated, things would have worked out.

What happened! What perplexes me is, if she doesn't have the courage to convince her parents as she "later" described, then why was she in the relationship in the first place? She knows that I have always given her space and spent enough time with her. She earlier said that "i'll wait for you, if you wait for me". I said I will, and was ready for it. Why did she claim that she can convince her parents and she knows the tricks how to? Why did she get offended if I tried to talk about things she said to me? When I cried in front of her, she also said that she's been thinking about "this" since the beginning of December. I was like WTF? Then why did we go for a trip together, why is that in only that month we got more intimate? Why was she planning more trips? Why did she love my company? Why did she give me hopes? Why didn't we communicate! Most importantly, why did she changed right after I started sharing my negative side??

Note that I acted insecure only after the few events that happened, and she wasn't readily talking about them. I was worried about her and the relationship. And she knew I would wait for her. I tried approaching her to talk it out, but things were just falling apart. I don't know if the time was just bad that all had to go wrong.

She also revealed that she used to get annoyed meeting me so often (we met 1-2 times a week, since we stayed nearby), but why did she seem to enjoy my company? Why didn't she tell me? She says it's because I cannot say no to anyone. She said we are fine this way. We should keep away from each other.

All of this is beyond me. Every theory that I come up with makes sense and doesn't at the same time. My every attempt to communicate with her has failed.

And I still feel all of this happened because of a misunderstanding.

Was I always an option? Had I a wrong definition of commitment? Was I deluded? What have I done wrong?

My confidence is ****ed up. I am extremely hurt. I feel hopeless. I wake up every morning with a huge craving to get back to her, and thinking this is all a BIG mistake. I no longer like what I used to, and it feels like my fault. People say I have suddenly changed, I look sad, lost weight and so on. I do not know if i'm capable for being in a relationship anymore. I feel like I failed a good relationship.

Edited April 3, 2016 by abcnine
more info

April 4, 2016

Someone help me with this please?

Both of us have felt a deep connection. Even she knows we do, but somehow she chose the other route of what? I now feel she dumped me because of my reactions when she dropped the bomb. Why wouldn't I? I have been extremely patient with her. After all the bottled up issues, and attempting to politely check with her what happened, she doesn't give answers. And we continue to bond and even plan trips together. And while returning, she'll planning to stick around. And the next thing you hear is something completely against whatever your partner has told you earlier.

I sometimes feel that she expected me to understand the situation all by myself, I did to an extent of my mental patience. When a partner says something that puts you on the spot, aren't you supposed to talk and clear the air? So you look forward for a better relationship?

Is it fair that she has problems making me meet her friends, just because we met online? After being committed??

How would you trust someone new in your life who happens to be completely interested, bonds well with you, but flips out of nowhere for no valid reason? And doesn't even attempt to resolve whatever conflict there may be?

Edited April 4, 2016 by abcnine

April 4, 2016

OP, slow down and take a breath.

This girl isn't emotionally stable. She is all over the map with what she wants, and what's all this talk about marrying? You were only together 5 months! I also don't get why she couldn't tell her parents about you. They seem to exert an awful lot of control over her. Is this something cultural? Does she need their approval? That seems odd to me, at your ages.

Rushing through the honeymoon phase and making grand life plans in that period isn't usually a great idea. You're still getting to know each other. And now you're seeing who she really is. I suspect there's more to the break-ups of her previous relationships than she lets on; after all, the common denominator is her.

Also, your level of attachment to her after a relatively short and rocky relationship is worth examining. Yes, it's normal to feel upset and disappointed when things don't work out. But going into panic attacks suggests you could use some work on your own emotional regulation too. You have to try to take a step back and evaluate this relationship objectively: she pulled you and pushed you away repeatedly. You kept tolerating it, despite how bad you felt. She kept you away from her family and friends. You want more of that? Re-read your post - that is not what a healthy and stable relationship looks like.

Her decision to leave reflects her own state of mind. She isn't in a place to be in a committed relationship. You would be wise to spend this time really asking yourself why you are attracted to this chaos. The good moments don't outweigh the toxic undertone. No, it's not fair. But that's life, unfortunately.

Honestly, and I know you don't want to hear this, I wonder if she is still in contact with or seeing one of those exes. It seems she went out of her way to keep you out of her personal life; there's a reason for that.

April 4, 2016

OP, slow down and take a breath.

This girl isn't emotionally stable. She is all over the map with what she wants, and what's all this talk about marrying? You were only together 5 months! I also don't get why she couldn't tell her parents about you. They seem to exert an awful lot of control over her. Is this something cultural? Does she need their approval? That seems odd to me, at your ages.

Rushing through the honeymoon phase and making grand life plans in that period isn't usually a great idea. You're still getting to know each other. And now you're seeing who she really is. I suspect there's more to the break-ups of her previous relationships than she lets on; after all, the common denominator is her.

Also, your level of attachment to her after a relatively short and rocky relationship is worth examining. Yes, it's normal to feel upset and disappointed when things don't work out. But going into panic attacks suggests you could use some work on your own emotional regulation too. You have to try to take a step back and evaluate this relationship objectively: she pulled you and pushed you away repeatedly. You kept tolerating it, despite how bad you felt. She kept you away from her family and friends. You want more of that? Re-read your post - that is not what a healthy and stable relationship looks like.

Her decision to leave reflects her own state of mind. She isn't in a place to be in a committed relationship. You would be wise to spend this time really asking yourself why you are attracted to this chaos. The good moments don't outweigh the toxic undertone. No, it's not fair. But that's life, unfortunately.

Honestly, and I know you don't want to hear this, I wonder if she is still in contact with or seeing one of those exes. It seems she went out of her way to keep you out of her personal life; there's a reason for that.

Hi much thanks for your response,

I have taken your words and will ponder on them.

We're not in touch. She has deliberately chosen to break all ties with me after saying "we started off with a relationship, and hence it's not even possible to be friends now". I had already told her that I cannot be "just" friends with her. I don't know why she had to say this.

A few of her other friends knew about our relationship. But I don't know in what manner she introduced our relationship. I have only met one of them, who she refers to as "good at judging people". I get your point though, and it's one of the reasons why I lost my cool and asked her to make a decision. My further attempts to try and reconcile whatever she had troubles with has only failed. And she wants "peace". She even said "Stop this, don't start again. We are fine like this". "You could have done nothing to save this relationship, since it was my decision. And I am still very sure about it".

Well about marriage, I realise that it was a little too soon. Lesson learnt.

I invested myself emotionally in this relationship without caution and awareness. I have anxiety, and it has creeped in during some of my hardest times. But thankfully, the panic attack only occurred on that "eventful" day. My approach towards a relationship is that if we have 2 great things going, it is enough to outlive the other 3 bad ones. May be that's not a healthy approach?

A part of me still believes that my emotional response was normal, because I was also worried what's going on with her. After hearing more of her past, I felt am I making it worse for her? I hoped she doesn't hurt herself. And I felt like someone very close to me abandoned me without knowing why. I will be cautious with the level of emotional investment in relationships hereon. At least I got to learn something important about myself.

Till a good amount of time, I thought I was prepared for the worst. And thought whatever issues we had between us were just "issues" and could be worked out (I usually prefer not fret over matters to maintain peace, but I do politely raise them if needed). Most of those 5 months were great times (may be I was just looking at the bright side) and the "trials" only started since December, and ironically, it's the same month where our relationship was at it's best.

About parents exerting too much control, yes, it's common in some asian countries. But, a part of me doesn't buy this as a reason for the breakup. My ex is a fighter and she has shared so many stories of her. She has fought her way out of her familial mess and has been staying away since past 8 years. She has a good number of friends scattered across the country. And she's in touch with most of them. So she has a good support system. She has articulately claimed that she can convince her parents, especially her father. But so far, I haven't considered the emotional instability bit. Seems apparent now.

Despite all this, I still love her as I did before. Weirdly, my heart wants it all back, to forget all bad things that happened and tells me that moving on is a bad idea.

Somehow I also feel there's some truth to her indecisiveness. After hearing stories of her past, her dilemma felt justified. But at the same time, it feels like an excuse.

Edited April 4, 2016 by abcnine

April 4, 2016

I still wonder at times that partners work through problems, right? Unless one of them is not happy. I had to make sure she is happy, and the verbal and physical responses I got from her were very clear and positive. I sometimes feel just because I cried in front of her and how I reacted, she left me? Is it because I expressed my pessimist side to her? Is it because I wanted to meet her more often, only because I was worried what's up?

Despite making the mistake of making grand plans this early, I clearly told her that we'll marry when both of us are ready. She liked that. But was it wrong and too soon for me to expect her to reveal our relationship to her parents? If not, her mother at least? I never forced her, but once in a while, the topic used to open up either from her or me.

At our very last meet, I asked her to at least keep in touch (I know as per the rule, it's a bad idea). She said what's the point, I said I'll at least get to wish you a happy birthday, she dismissed it saying birthdays don't matter, and you never know when a birthday is the last. I wish I had not heard any of these last words. She left as a big mystery. I wish it did not end like this.

I want to get better, and started the NC. This has messed me up. I feel very sorry for her at one end, at the other end it feels like she bailed out with excuses. I just don't know the truth, and never will. The funny thing is, all this drama could have been easily avoided, had she been open to talk. Her abrupt indifference and the words she said were a big shock to me.

After reading all this, do you feel my reaction is normal (except the panic attack)? And can you guide me with what makes a healthy relationship?

Edited April 4, 2016 by abcnine

April 4, 2016

Hi guys,
On our first date she said three things that stuck in my head. One that she has trouble articulating her feeling in words; two, she thinks she probably doesn't know how to judge people, three, the only thing she cannot tolerate is lies. I liked that she opened up very early.

In my experience, when people make a big deal about this and emphasise this point, it's because they themselves have a problem with honesty. I think it's their way of diverting suspicions that they know will inevitably arise (i.e. "surely she can't be lying when she said herself that she hates lies?!").

My ex, after a couple of months, once blurted out something similar over dinner (came from nowhere and took me by surprise): "Don't ever lie to me". "What about white lies?" I asked, not really taking her seriously at first. Apparently even they were a no-go. And in the end she lied to me, a lot.

She described her past 2 exes as "psychos"

This one, too, is a red flag and exactly what I experienced. Were they 'psychos', or was she the problem? Is there another reason she talks so badly of her exes - perhaps she likes drama and things to end badly? If someone's can describe their previous two exes in such harsh terms, that might say more about that person.

April 4, 2016

In my experience, when people make a big deal about this and emphasise this point, it's because they themselves have a problem with honesty. I think it's their way of diverting suspicions that they know will inevitably arise (i.e. "surely she can't be lying when she said herself that she hates lies?!").

My ex, after a couple of months, once blurted out something similar over dinner (came from nowhere and took me by surprise): "Don't ever lie to me". "What about white lies?" I asked, not really taking her seriously at first. Apparently even they were a no-go. And in the end she lied to me, a lot.

This one, too, is a red flag and exactly what I experienced. Were they 'psychos', or was she the problem? Is there another reason she talks so badly of her exes - perhaps she likes drama and things to end badly? If someone's can describe their previous two exes in such harsh terms, that might say more about that person.

I was about to point out the same thing. An ex of mine insisted he hates lies, but I've never met a bigger liar than him.

OP, you're seeing the reason she can't sustain relationships. She is emotionally immature and not transparent herself. I suspect there's plenty you don't know about her which is why she refused you entry into her personal life. Sorry but you need to see through the denial you're in.

You don't have enough of a foundation to help her through these tough times, so forget about being the White Knight. She doesn't want you there for her.

April 4, 2016

I think part of your problem is that you're 27 and not 17. So, this says some things about your self-confidence to begin with. Second, your observations and reactions are pretty typical for the first time. What's different is that you're well into adulthood, and you have the expectation that your relationships will proceed in an adult manner, yet you have no experience with that, so how can they?

Your best hope is to do what is going to seem both impossible and distasteful to you right now. You need to date a few women so that your emotional age can catch up to your chronological age.

If you don't get some experience soon, you're going to be plagued by these problems and by the time you figure it all out, you're going to be pretty old in what I sense is a culture where people get married early, and you're not going to have a lot of choices.

Put this girl behind you and move on and try again. Expect a few failures, and learn from them. You have to get ready if you expect to be worthy of the woman you're going to end up with.

April 4, 2016

Since this was your 1st relationship you didn't recognize many of the red flags for what they were. You misunderstood them to be good things.

Telling a new SO that all of her exs were "psychos" was a big red flag. If she consistently only dates mentally unbalanced men, what does that say about her ability to make good decisions? Most people aren't psychos & it takes two to make a relationship fail. She was not taking responsibility for her own actions. Even if the guy lied to her & made up his whole life, at what point should she have become more suspicious of him? Her whole story doesn't smell right to me.

She disclosed too much too soon. She was clingy & needy. this early in you can't be the only good thing in her life. Her statement screams drama queen.

When you found out about her dysfunctional relationship with her family that was your cue to step back. If her role models were bad, you needed to recognize that she has no blueprint for sustaining a happy healthy relationship.

Yes it's sad that your relationship ended but in reality you dodged a bullet. Going forward, try to seek out partners who have their act together.

April 5, 2016

I was about to point out the same thing. An ex of mine insisted he hates lies, but I've never met a bigger liar than him.

OP, you're seeing the reason she can't sustain relationships. She is emotionally immature and not transparent herself. I suspect there's plenty you don't know about her which is why she refused you entry into her personal life. Sorry but you need to see through the denial you're in.

You don't have enough of a foundation to help her through these tough times, so forget about being the White Knight. She doesn't want you there for her.

Earlier, when I had shared with her about my dififcult times in childhood, and she expressed that she's been through worse. When I was crying she left by reiterating "your childhood was good". I asked her can you tell me what happened? She said "please. Don't. It brings back old memories. I'm fine this way." That's the point I realised I've known nothing about her.

April 6, 2016

Since this was your 1st relationship you didn't recognize many of the red flags for what they were. You misunderstood them to be good things.

Telling a new SO that all of her exs were "psychos" was a big red flag. If she consistently only dates mentally unbalanced men, what does that say about her ability to make good decisions? Most people aren't psychos & it takes two to make a relationship fail. She was not taking responsibility for her own actions. Even if the guy lied to her & made up his whole life, at what point should she have become more suspicious of him? Her whole story doesn't smell right to me.

She disclosed too much too soon. She was clingy & needy. this early in you can't be the only good thing in her life. Her statement screams drama queen.

When you found out about her dysfunctional relationship with her family that was your cue to step back. If her role models were bad, you needed to recognize that she has no blueprint for sustaining a happy healthy relationship.

Yes it's sad that your relationship ended but in reality you dodged a bullet. Going forward, try to seek out partners who have their act together.

She once said that she was very harsh with her ex by cutting him off, despite what he had done. She should have not cut him off, as she emphasized.

I remember she considered herself kind and would easily forgive anyone.

Her mother is her role model and she relates herself a lot with her. Her mother as she defined is loving with a kind heart. Her father is rather insane. Had her relationship been bad with her whole family, I would have definitely reconsidered early on. But then at the end, I found her saying "something that I had heard from her before". She left me saying "my parents hate me". How could that be? She considers her mother as her role model. Does that mean she's only using that term to exaggerate her difficulty? She emphasized that she is what she is today because of her mother, and she's God for her. She has expressed she can convince her parents and not at the same time.

About disclosing too much too soon, perhaps I'm no less. I shared a lot about myself early on while dating - pretty much every major life event and about my persona. Is that normal or creepy? She seemed to have no problems with that. And listened closely.

We had a few similar shortcomings and I thought we could help each other grow. I thought we'll be able to understand each other better. I empathized with her. And everybody's is flawed in some way. Hence, they did not appear as red flags. That was my thought process.

No one has treated me this good and gotten this close to me. I've never been in a situation where I loved someone, and who loved me back! I had even shared this with her. I feel like I pushed her away from me, but it also feels like she never took actions to give me security about the relationship. After 5 months, I don't know if that was too much to expect. I tried to remind her let's not spoil this for a life's small trial.

But as all of you are suggesting, may be she really was in a place to be in a committed relationship. And all of it was mere bad luck.

The weird thing is, "she told me to cuss her out" for her treating me like this. I told her "I cannot! I don't feel like cussing you! I love you".

With her difficulties, I had suggested her to chose her head, over her heart during tough times. Turns out, that suggestion went against me. And i'm at a place where I cannot seem to chose between my head and heart. My reasoning suggests to move on, but my heart yells that's it's a bad idea!

I'm sorry if I'm digging deep but I'm trying to understand, so may be I get an answer. There's something important I'm missing in this whole story. I'm at this point life where I'm completely lost with no support. I might as well be clinically depressed. I don't know. I've been to a counselor (post event) and it didn't help. At least, I can learn as much as possible from this. And in a way, I can vent it all out. Also, someone else might relate to this story and feel "not alone".

I really appreciate you all listening to all this and giving me an objective view. Thank you all so much.

Edited April 6, 2016 by abcnine

April 6, 2016

I'm sorry if I'm digging deep but I'm trying to understand, so may be I get an answer. There's something important I'm missing in this whole story. I'm at this point life where I'm completely lost with no support. I might as well be clinically depressed. I don't know. I've been to a counselor (post event) and it didn't help. At least, I can learn as much as possible from this. And in a way, I can vent it all out. Also, someone else might relate to this story and feel "not alone".

You're looking for answers where there aren't any. People's words often don't match their actions, and any inconsistencies with what she tells you (her mother is her role model and so kind, her parents hate her) are likely a result of her own issues. There's not some code here for you to crack, this is simply a woman who wasn't fit for a relationship.

April 6, 2016

A major factor here is that you have nothing to compare this to. Because this was your first relationship, you don't have the benefit of experience to tell you that those red flags you saw should never have been overlooked.

I assure you, her behaviour is not acceptable. You will probably never really get the answers you seek, other than this: she is a child inside an adult's body. I would not automatically assume that everything she told you about herself and her previous relationships is true. She is the type of edit history in her favour.

Because you're nearing 30, I would suggest dating around a bit more. Get some life experience under your belt so your level of romantic experience catches up with your chronological age.

I have friend who is a 31 (female) and has also never had a relationship. She in some ways is wise for her years, but not when it comes to dating. Her approach and lack of experience mean she doesn't have good boundaries and she has a quite idealistic view of relationships. This isn't good news because some men see that and take advantage of it, which is also what happened to you.

At some point, you will be grateful that you dodged a bullet here. This girl isn't playing with a full deck and you're experiencing the fallout. It wasn't a healthy relationship.

April 6, 2016

Girl from dysfunctional family* dates a man who she possibly knew her family would hate, maybe as rebellion, maybe as pure attraction.

BUT when the chips came down, her family came first, so she dumps you.

A girl like that cannot stand up to her parents - family support and approval is very necessary for her and for many people actually. Few want to continue dating long term people who they cannot slot into their family easily.

I guess the row with her father in December was about what she was actually doing with her life, she processed it till early January and suddenly she is getting a new job in a different city and dumping the "no good" boyfriend. I guess despite the fiery relationship, gaining her father's approval is important to her deep down.

I think she thought she could probably convince her mother to accept you and then the mother would work on the father and all would then be fine, BUT the mother was not on board either, so she then knew there was no future.

(I think the "ranting", may have also scared her too, a woman who has been in abusive relationships and with an "explosive" father will be super sensitive to anything like that, hence why she went quiet on you. When you followed up with " I told her that I can be like that at times", I guess that was not really what she wanted to hear.)

* Children's roles in dysfunctional families - which one was she?

April 7, 2016

Girl from dysfunctional family* dates a man who she possibly knew her family would hate, maybe as rebellion, maybe as pure attraction.
BUT when the chips came down, her family came first, so she dumps you.

A girl like that cannot stand up to her parents - family support and approval is very necessary for her and for many people actually. Few want to continue dating long term people who they cannot slot into their family easily.
I guess the row with her father in December was about what she was actually doing with her life, she processed it till early January and suddenly she is getting a new job in a different city and dumping the "no good" boyfriend. I guess despite the fiery relationship, gaining her father's approval is important to her deep down.

I think she thought she could probably convince her mother to accept you and then the mother would work on the father and all would then be fine, BUT the mother was not on board either, so she then knew there was no future.

(I think the "ranting", may have also scared her too, a woman who has been in abusive relationships and with an "explosive" father will be super sensitive to anything like that, hence why she went quiet on you. When you followed up with " I told her that I can be like that at times", I guess that was not really what she wanted to hear.)

* Children's roles in dysfunctional families - which one was she?

I agree with most of this. She actually didn't leave for a new job. She wasn't happy with her current job and had low hopes to crack the upcoming exam (that would otherwise lead her to a dream job). After the breakup, she completely abandoned her ongoing career path, and moved to another city where she has more friends. And also to prepare for a competitive exam, which "may" lead her to a better job, set on a completely different career path. But at the end of December, she was planning to continue working in the same city, even if she doesn't find a way to her dream job.

Few days before the breakup, she had also sent me a link to a job profile (for me) in the city she eventually went to. I replied by saying it's far and i'll have to think about everything. And yet again, the conversation ended on that note. May be she wanted me to come along. I think that she wanted me to date for a longer time to eventually come to decision, based on how things workout.

With reference to the Wikipedia link, I confidently knew her as the "Good Child". She has achieved beyond what most average people would accomplish at her age, and also with her choice to finish college and work far away from home town. She described herself as someone who would rather choose a career of stability and less stress, than being in a competitive environment.

It makes sense. The bottom line is she wasn't prepared to be in a committed relationship.

Edited April 7, 2016 by abcnine

May 19, 2016

You don't have enough of a foundation to help her through these tough times, so forget about being the White Knight. She doesn't want you there for her.

I've been pondering about this and realized you are absolutely right, I did not have the right foundation to be able to help her. I also realized, the poor girl has been through a LOT.

I can't thank you enough for pointing out the need of "emotional regulation". It did help me learn something very important about myself and I am working on it. Everything happens for a reason Something my ex used to say. Trivial as it may sound, but it's an extremely powerful statement.

THANK YOU ALL.

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