Should I tell her partner?

[Blossomingbelle]

My ex is having an affair with a married woman and kids, we split up around 12 weeks ago now but I noticed them contacting eachother on social media 2 days after we split. His friend has told me that they are together all the time and I have seen them together on 3 separate occasions.

All he says is they are best friends, nothing's happening and it's all in my head but he takes her places he used to go with me, he has fallen out with friends over her etc, why won't he just be honest so I can move on.

Everytime I tried to talk to him about it he would just say it has nothing to do with me and to never contact him again. I feel like I can't move on because he won't give me the chance to say my piece and also he won't just be honest!

He spent the last 10 weeks being so hot and cold saying he wanted me back one minute and then saying to leave him alone the next? I don't understand why he won't just be honest, give me answers and then I could move on instead of messing with my head.

I guess I am jealous because I don't see what she can give him that I can't and it hurts so much!

[tillwemeetagain]

My ex is having an affair with a married woman and kids, we split up around 12 weeks ago now but I noticed them contacting eachother on social media 2 days after we split. His friend has told me that they are together all the time and I have seen them together on 3 separate occasions.

All he says is they are best friends, nothing's happening and it's all in my head but he takes her places he used to go with me, he has fallen out with friends over her etc, why won't he just be honest so I can move on.

Everytime I tried to talk to him about it he would just say it has nothing to do with me and to never contact him again. I feel like I can't move on because he won't give me the chance to say my piece and also he won't just be honest!

He spent the last 10 weeks being so hot and cold saying he wanted me back one minute and then saying to leave him alone the next? I don't understand why he won't just be honest, give me answers and then I could move on instead of messing with my head.

I guess I am jealous because I don't see what she can give him that I can't and it hurts so much!

 

 

 

 

maybe he is not yet over you aswell but then he and the girl is having somewhat special that he cant get with you.. you ex is actually wanting both of you that he cant resist having that's why he keep on lying to you. to make it up to you aswell.. not all men has the capability of saying that they don't like you.more so that you are special to him before.. make up your mind are into what he wants to make him comeback but if you know that you cannot handle being jealous all the way. do whatever that can help you move on.... I know its hard but choose whatever things that make you happy..goodluck

[d0nnivain]

If you don't have enough guts to sign your name, don't bother.

[Arieswoman]

Blossomingbelle,

The answer to your question is "no" at this moment in time.

 

I can understand that you are very, very hurt and angry and just want to lash out but your anger is misplaced, and should be directed at your husband.

 

First of all, if this affair is still going on, you don't have a marriage. A marriage is two people not three.

 

If you husband is not willing to stop seeing this person, what do you want to do? Sit around and hope he'll get fed up with it or be pro-active and start preparing for divorce?

 

In any event leave the AP out of it for the moment, you can deal with her later. Your main priority is about what you want to do for yourself. Your husband doesn't have your best interests at heart , so you need to start looking after No.1.

 

Good luck.

[Clockwork]

Part of me says no, the other part says that they have the right to know. I think it all depends on how connected you are to this. For example, there was a friend of ours who had a friend that we knew but never hung out with and weren't terribly fond of but we'd be civil to him if we saw him. Anyway, we see him out at a bar one night and he comes up to us with a girl. Now, he knows us and he knows we know the name of his regular girlfriend but he literally introduced us to another girl and labelled her as his "girlfriend."

 

 

We were a little taken back by it. We just as well assumed that he wasn't with his long-time girlfriend anymore. We hadn't heard, but then again we aren't close to him to whatever. Then a couple months later we hear that he is having a Stag and Doe with...........you guessed it, his long-time girlfriend. They were engaged when we saw him at the bar and the guy had no shame in openly cheating. So whoever this girl was, she wasn't the one he was marrying.

 

 

So did we say anything? No. A guy like that is too bold and he will get caught eventually. In most cases for it to be this obvious the girl already knows this about him. So we said nothing, and in that case I think we were right.

 

 

In your case, I think you are connected to this affair. That is your husband and another man's wife. I would have no bones writing the letter to him. This effects you immensely.

[Blossomingbelle]

I feel as though because he was so manipulative about it and denied it constantly and said it was in my head and I was crazy, it isn't fair to just let them get on with it! At the same time I don't want to hurt her kids as its not their fault. I am torn.

[Clockwork]

I feel as though because he was so manipulative about it and denied it constantly and said it was in my head and I was crazy, it isn't fair to just let them get on with it! At the same time I don't want to hurt her kids as its not their fault. I am torn.

 

you aren't hurting her kids...............she is. People seem to think they can create a divide between a couple. They can't. Only that couple can do it if they let others. your letter can be just as simple as "can you please tell your wife to leave my husband alone so we can salvage our marriage" type of thing. It might surprise you that her husband may not be an idiot either and might know or suspect what is going on. Or they may have an open relationship, so in that case it shouldn't be a problem if she leaves your husband alone. Either way, you should never be guilty for revealing the truth, especially when the lie is affecting your life.

[Arieswoman]

Sorry blossomingbelle, I misread your post and missed the ex bit somehow.

 

However, my comment is much the same.

 

If he's your ex then why are you still in contact with him? I know that this is sticking in your craw but it really isn't any of your business.

 

Keep schtum and get on with making your own new life and leave him to sort out his own disordered world.

[Blossomingbelle]

Do you think it's unreasonable to say 'your wife has been sleeping with my partner for months' and just leave it at that

[Blossomingbelle]

Well to explain a bit further he ended in just after Christmas and said he needed space and time however I then found out about the OW. I asked him he denied it and said he didn't want anyone else he just wanted to focus on himself and his health. Fast forward a month he wanted to meet up and wanted us to try again so we started to talk again but he was very hot and cold, some days he was asking to see me, saying he couldn't believe he nearly walked away from best thing to ever happen to him etc, the next day he would say to leave him alone and he needed space again. Anyway this went on for about a month, during this time I saw him in the car twice with the OW but didn't say anything as he told me the first time they were just friends and I didn't want to rock the boat. However his friend contacted me to tell me they were having an affair, I confronted him and he refused to see me face to face, said I was upsetting him with what I was saying, it was all in my head and I was crazy, until I told him his friend told me. In which his reply was I don't have to answer to anyone, I don't want to see you, don't contact me, stop trying to make him feel guilty, he said he didn't want to be with me anymore so I was making excuses for that and he has blocked me now.

 

Since then I have actually seen them together again and have been told by someone else they are together but I was told to wait it out because she would never leave her family and her partner. But that's all well and good but it's not fair, it's not fair that he tried to keep me as his back up, it's not fair he's not man enough to admit it and it's not fair that she is doing this to people. Yes that maybe immature and jealous but I can't help but feel that way.

[BetrayedH]

Personally, I believe her husband has a right to know. He might decide that he doesn't want to waste his life on a cheating wife.

 

I also think you might be able to get some truth in the process. Right now you obviously don't have the truth and if he wanted to come back to you, the odds are that you would try.

[road]

I feel as though because he was so manipulative about it and denied it constantly and said it was in my head and I was crazy, it isn't fair to just let them get on with it! At the same time I don't want to hurt her kids as its not their fault. I am torn.

 

 

It is not fair and it is not fair to the other BS. This is why you need to tell the other BS ASAP. They deserve the truth and need the truth to protect themselves and their own marriage.

 

 

Tell the other BS today.

[road]

Do you think it's unreasonable to say 'your wife has been sleeping with my partner for months' and just leave it at that

 

 

You need to open with that then tell all that you know about the affair.

[sandylee1]

I think you should tell her husband ... but not with the sole purpose of getting him back or anything like that.

 

Do you have evidence of the affair? Doesn't sound like you do for sure .... so I'd contact him anonymously (with evidence if any) and say " your wife is having an affair with John Smith. I have reason to believe it has been going on for X months" "I have no doubt she will deny if asked, so I advise you to access online support/advice on gathering evidence'

 

Then leave it at that.

[stillafool]

I feel as though because he was so manipulative about it and denied it constantly and said it was in my head and I was crazy, it isn't fair to just let them get on with it! At the same time I don't want to hurt her kids as its not their fault. I am torn.

 

Your telling is NOT going to make them stop. If I were you I would just move on with my life at this point. Obviously they want to be together so let them.

[aliveagain]

Isn't a coincidence that just 2 days after the two of you split their all over each other? Could it be that she is one of the reasons you split? Even if you send him a letter, email anonymously, he needs to know what his wife is up to. By withholding the information from him you become their accomplice in his deception. They have children together, they will be affected. That is how I found out about my ex's two year affair. Someone cared enough to tell me. Any man willing to break up a family for his fun isn't marriage material, don't waste anymore time on him.

[mightycpa]

Let's say that you're right about everything:

 

1) he told you he needed space when what he really needed was space to see this OW

2) he lied to you about her until the evidence was overwhelming

3) he's holding you back by withholding some mysterious information without which you can't move on

 

On the one hand, if you tell her husband, you'll never get your answers. But on the other, if you don't tell her husband, you'll never get your answers. So telling vs. not telling doesn't seem to solve your underlying problem. Your underlying problem is you want honest answers to your questions in order to free you.

 

First of all, given the situation, I'm not sure what questions you could actually have, other than to ask why he prefers this woman over you. This leads me to believe that what you really want from him is the emotional confrontation that you never got, for him to say to your face

I'm interested in this woman and I'm not interested in you anymore' date=' OK?[/b']

Maybe you think that would be cathartic somehow.

 

But I think you need to resign yourself to the fact that you're never going to have that conversation. You keep contacting him and beating the horse to death, to the point where he's blocked you and told you not to contact him. Now, like the Energizer Bunny, you just keep going and going and going. I'm beginning to get a good sense of why he's trying to get away - you're like the girl who refuses to be dumped.

 

Honestly, I think you should accept the fact that you've been unceremoniously dumped flat on your ass by a guy who isn't as good a guy as you thought he was, and start to deal with it on your own. Forget the impact on the other people, you're not doing yourself any favors here. You keep dragging this out, like you're going to get some outcome that's going to make you feel all better. Will revenge against him do it? I don't know.

 

Here's why I think you shouldn't get involved in their affair:

 

1) It won't help you get what you apparently want

2) Until she makes some final decisions about who she'll be with, there is a decent chance that she'll dump your ex and return to her husband. Your intervention may end up being the thing that breaks that family apart for good. Let that be on her, not on you.

 

I think you really need to have an honest sit-down with yourself, figure out what you really want, and then figure out that there's no way to get from here to there. That's when you're going to need to figure out your Plan B to attain the peace that clearly eludes you.

Edited April 4, 2016 by mightycpa

[OneLov]

Do you think it's unreasonable to say 'your wife has been sleeping with my partner for months' and just leave it at that

 

Absolutely unreasonable. You have no proof of that! The only "proof" you have is a gut feeling supported by social media interactions and being seen together in public. If you want to share it with her husband BE HONEST.

 

What if his wife really hasn't slept with your ex for months? I'd be very upset if I were him.

 

This reminds me of a Chappelle Show skit.

 

 

"Pittbull is nominated for Player Hater of the Year for calling the police on the drug dealers who lived next door. Not because it was the right thing to do, but because he was jealous of all the money they was makin'."

Edited April 4, 2016 by OneLov

[Blossomingbelle]

Let's say that you're right about everything:

 

1) he told you he needed space when what he really needed was space to see this OW

2) he lied to you about her until the evidence was overwhelming

3) he's holding you back by withholding some mysterious information without which you can't move on

 

On the one hand, if you tell her husband, you'll never get your answers. But on the other, if you don't tell her husband, you'll never get your answers. So telling vs. not telling doesn't seem to solve your underlying problem. Your underlying problem is you want honest answers to your questions in order to free you.

 

First of all, given the situation, I'm not sure what questions you could actually have, other than to ask why he prefers this woman over you. This leads me to believe that what you really want from him is the emotional confrontation that you never got, for him to say to your faceMaybe you think that would be cathartic somehow.

 

But I think you need to resign yourself to the fact that you're never going to have that conversation. You keep contacting him and beating the horse to death, to the point where he's blocked you and told you not to contact him. Now, like the Energizer Bunny, you just keep going and going and going. I'm beginning to get a good sense of why he's trying to get away - you're like the girl who refuses to be dumped.

 

Honestly, I think you should accept the fact that you've been unceremoniously dumped flat on your ass by a guy who isn't as good a guy as you thought he was, and start to deal with it on your own. Forget the impact on the other people, you're not doing yourself any favors here. You keep dragging this out, like you're going to get some outcome that's going to make you feel all better. Will revenge against him do it? I don't know.

 

Here's why I think you shouldn't get involved in their affair:

 

1) It won't help you get what you apparently want

2) Until she makes some final decisions about who she'll be with, there is a decent chance that she'll dump your ex and return to her husband. Your intervention may end up being the thing that breaks that family apart for good. Let that be on her, not on you.

 

I think you really need to have an honest sit-down with yourself, figure out what you really want, and then figure out that there's no way to get from here to there. That's when you're going to need to figure out your Plan B to attain the peace that clearly eludes you.

 

I find your post quite rude

 

1) it is not at all the fact that I 'refuse to be dumped' I haven't spoken to him in over 2 weeks. Quite honestly I don't want him back after what he has put me through

 

2) What I wanted him to do was to be a man and be honest, to show some respect, I believe I deserve that instead of him trying to make himself feel better by saying it is all my fault

 

3) He blocked me when I confronted him about it and presented him with the evidence, because he felt guilty not because I was hounding him

 

4) The fact that he is with her is not my main issue, if he is happy he can go for it! The problem was up until 3 days before I confronted him he was saying he wanted to be with me and was playing me - he was trying to use me as his back up but wouldn't admit that

 

5) The affair was going on before he split with me and therefore it affects me, I feel betrayed and manipulated as he made me believe that the reason we ended was all my fault and he allowed me to sot there and apologise and be upset over silly things I might have done wrong, when all along he had this OW

 

So forgive me for feeling upset or annoyed

[AlexDream]

 

2) What I wanted him to do was to be a man and be honest, to show some respect, I believe I deserve that instead of him trying to make himself feel better by saying it is all my fault

 

 

4) The fact that he is with her is not my main issue, if he is happy he can go for it! The problem was up until 3 days before I confronted him he was saying he wanted to be with me and was playing me - he was trying to use me as his back up but wouldn't admit that

 

You want to find answers on this unfairness but you'll never do. You think that you deserve honesty but he thinks otherwise. Stop eating yourself - he's a piece of you know what and doesn't deserve your self-analyzing and tears.

 

Don't believe him that they had nothing together - it's obvious lie. But you really don't need to think of it - live your own life without this 'piece', I am sure you're able to find someone who deserves you.

[BC1980]

I would stay out of this completely because you can't trust your motives. You are too emotional right now, and you probably want to expose the affair to get back at him. You might really be borrowing trouble if you involved with all of this. Chances are, the affair will be exposed eventually. People usually dig their own graves. You don't need to lend a helping hand.

[elaine567]

I believe it is all part of the grieving process to want "answers", but answers even if freely given are rarely accepted by the person who is grieving.

 

I just didn't love you any more

Why?

I don't know I just didn't.

There must be some reason?

I simply fell out of love with you, I didn't see any future for us.

Why, what did I do?

Nothing, I just wasn't feeling it any longer.

Why??????

 

On and on and on...

Even if he did come clean here and say,

 

"Why do I not love you? Because I think you are dull, boring and unattractive. YOU are hell to live with, you are selfish and annoying, the sex is just dreadful, I never really cared for you, you were just there at the right time, so I am very relieved I am finally free of you.

But I must admit I was up for some "break up sex" if you had wanted it the other day. Sorry.

My new girl is funny, bright, sexy and I cannot keep my hands off her, I think I truly love her and will probably marry her one day.."

 

Is "the truth" really what you want to hear?

Be careful what you wish for.

 

Best to pack up that particular wagon and move on to greener pastures is my advice.

[Blossomingbelle]

He actually contacted me to say I had nothing to be sorry for and he wants me to be happy etc but then never even brought up the other woman.i didn't reply because I didn't want to get into a confrontation, but he is so confusing this has put me back a bit. I would do anything to stop thinking about him I am finding this really difficult

[BC1980]

He actually contacted me to say I had nothing to be sorry for and he wants me to be happy etc but then never even brought up the other woman.i didn't reply because I didn't want to get into a confrontation, but he is so confusing this has put me back a bit. I would do anything to stop thinking about him I am finding this really difficult

 

Why haven't you blocked him? Like I said before, people dig their own graves. Let him have her, and the entire thing will probably be exposed at some point. Don't sully your hands or get involved in this drama.

[Blossomingbelle]

I decided against telling her husband as you said it will likely come out at some point anyway and I focused on myself rather than him. I have blocked his number but he emailed me. I feel like everytime I feel a bit stronger something happens to push me back.