Is it over?

[WintersKnight]

Hi everyone.

 

To explain my question, I should give some background.

 

Almost two years ago, I met a really wonderful girl. We became friends very quickly, then eventually something like best friends. Several months later, I asked her to be my girlfriend.

 

We were both absolutely smitten with each other.

Over time though, a problem (a problem to me, anyway) started to show itself. She is very prone to mood swings, from very elated and happy to bottoming out. By "bottoming out," I also don't always mean becoming sad or depressed, but also very irritable and the slightest things. One thing is that one side of her family all have mood issues and can go from very happy to biting your head off in an instant. I suspect some sort of mood disorder, along with bad PMS. For about two weeks before a period, I don't even know her.

 

The problem with the low points is that it started to be taken out on me.

 

What I mean by this isn't anything physical, but rather she would shut down and become nigh unresponsive. If I would ask what was wrong, I'd get the usual "Nothing" or "I'm fine." It would be very obvious that that wasn't the truth, though I suppose it's a common thing.

 

Now, sometimes I would press it until I got an answer, and sometimes I would try to just engage her normally. Either way, I often got treated like I was more of an annoyance or a burden. The conversation simply became one word responses on her part.

 

When the mood was especially irritable, especially during PMS, she'll often tell me to leave her by herself, otherwise I'll face her chewing me out as she says "for no reason."

 

Now, early on in the relationship, this was easier to deal with, especially since she would often apologize later, and promise she'd find a way to work on not taking things out on me.

 

It used to be that when she was in her good periods, I could be the happiest man alive. I would look at her and be so in love, even when the "honeymoon phase" was past.

 

"Soulmate" doesn't even begin to describe it.

 

Close to a year after we started dating, we began to talk about getting married.

 

Of course, that can't happen without a job, so we started looking. She found one herself, whereas I'm still looking.

 

However, over the months since then, she's been changing.

 

The moods are becoming more frequent and more irrational. She'll tease me endlessly over things I'm insecure about or playfully insulting me, although I know it's only teasing. Still, it's starting to get a bit old to hear it all the time. So, I've started doing it back. (Her family does this among each other as well, so it's not specific to me.)

Problem is, I've learned, she can't take as well what she can dish out. So sometimes a little jab will make her tell me to leave her alone, sometimes for a couple days at a time of no contact, when she'd be offended if the roles were reversed.

 

She gets angry more easily. She no longer apologizes. She's getting less and less communicative. Sometimes her mood will change and she'll tell me to leave her alone, and again this can last for a few days, and she'll refuse to even tell me whether or not she's okay. She says she doesn't want to rely on me for emotional support because she doesn't "want to become dependent."

 

Then, when her moods are gone, she'll talk to me like nothing happened and gets mad at me when I tell her I need more communication. Some of her family is on medication for mood issues, and I've told her she should try to get help to, along with whatever advice I can give, but she refuses to try.

 

She's become more negative than ever. If a single thing displeases her, no matter how minor, it ruins the entire day and she becomes rude and sour. All she really does anymore is complain about literally *everything.*

 

It's been killing my desire to remain in this relationship. I've tried to hold on as long as I can, but she keeps pushing me away with the way she treats me, and with her never being happy anymore, I'm feeling emotionally drained 24/7.

 

My job hunting has slowed down, and my eagerness to marry her has disappeared. It's because I want to assess if I'm ready and capable of that now, as well as I'm helping take care of certain family members here that need me, that I'd be leaving behind.

 

I've told her that with all the moods and fighting, that my hesitancy over rushing the job search and marriage/moving has increased.

 

She's more or less dismissed that, and has now been constantly nagging me to increase my job search and efforts to hurry up and marry her, preferably within a certain time limit, as she's said now she's not going to wait for me forever. Which, of course, has the opposite effect on me... it makes me even more hesitant and under more mental pressure.

 

With rare exceptions, the affection between us has dried up. She's no longer the warm person I used to know. She seems very cold, standoffish, and bossy. We went from being equals to the point where if I'm not pleasing her 100%, her mood changes and I'm treated like I'm some sort of enemy. I still try to talk to her about how she's behaving, but it doesn't work. If I try to behave exactly as she does, she just calls me a jerk. She has this attitude that it's okay to behave as she does, but I'm not allowed to.

 

The other day, we had a conversation about the jobs again, after I had applied for some more. I was planning to go visit them again in person, but she insisted I call. I have a sort of anxiety when it comes to phones, so I told her I'd rather do it in person. She got mad and quit responding to me. I told her it wasn't fair to be mad at me for doing things as I'm comfortable with, and that I understand her opinion, and that I would do that eventually, but right now I was just more comfortable going in person.

 

She told me to leave her alone and didn't talk to me for a couple days.

 

When she started talking to me again, she admitted the thought of dumping me crossed her mind.

 

Then, sometime later, she did the same thing for another reason I don't remember.

 

Eventually, she told me she was tired of stuff, maybe even tired of me, and that we weren't the same as we used to be (which I agree).

 

I asked if she wanted time apart, but she said no.

 

Now, the last few days have been... fair. At the high points, she's back to making me promise I still love her and want to marry her. I do still love her, and I can't picture being married to anyone else.

 

The problem is that even these high points are becoming more rare, and more often it's the bossy-ish, nagging, moody personality becoming dominant. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells most of the time now.

 

I tend to live in dread of the next mood.

 

Despite that, we do often still have fun together, but most of it is just friend stuff. It's like she's more of a friend at best than a girlfriend.

 

There's been a few times that I've been determined to end this, but then she'll have a good day or I'll remember the person she used to be and then I can't bring myself to break her heart.

 

But I'm worried. At this point, she's killed so much of my energy and passion for this that whenever I look at her, I no longer feel "in love." I can't yet bear the thought of her with someone else, and at the same time I look at her and lately often just see her as another person. The attraction has mostly died down.

 

I know she still loves me, and there's so many ways we're compatible, more than I've ever had with anyone else.

 

But the moods and negativity and the dominating personality she's developed the last few months... I can honestly say she is not the person I knew anymore. I sometimes cringe inside to be around her, but on the outside I smile and appear happy as best I can.

 

What should I do?

[PrettyEmily77]

1. How old are you both?

 

2. Have either of you recently got over a difficult relationship?

 

She's either a super bad communicator (or you're not communicating well together, for whatever reason), she has some issues she needs to deal with or you've lost interest and you're the one focusing on her bad points. Either way, if neither of you are happy there's not much point in carrying on if you can't fix the problem together.

 

know it's tempting to put the blame on one party only but could it just be that you're not actually compatible long-term? Someone doesn't normally go from awesome to awful in a few months so something is obviously triggering or upsetting her.

[WintersKnight]

1. We're in our mid-20s.

2. Not recently, though we've had them in the past.

 

She is definitely not a good communicator much of the time, I'm afraid. I'm not the only person to have said this about her, mind you. She's admitted that she doesn't know what happens, but she just shuts down and can't do it, as well as my friends who've been present and been privy to some of our exchanges telling me afterward that she's really not putting in the effort at communicating that I am.

I'm very open with how I feel and am quick to discuss. She is the type to ignore problems or run away from them, rather than deal with them. It's been a major reason I've lost a lot of my enthusiasm for marrying her, because I need to know I can rely on her to help me face any issues life could throw our way.

 

She definitely has issues to deal with. Number one is her family. As I've said, they all have similar mood issues (which I think could be either bipolar or bpd related) and they don't always get along too well, especially with her. She also has terrible self-image issues, such as jumping between extreme dieting and then eating a lot.

 

That I've lost interest and am focusing on the bad points is possible, even probable, but I'm not sure that's the right order. The problems have always been there, but they've been manageable. She's just been getting worse, which even she admitted to me recently she doesn't know what's been wrong with her the last few months. She just seems so bitter at times. She goes from being depressed and making remarks about how she'd be better off dead or having suicidal thoughts, to being very irritable and talking about how this or that person isn't as good as she is for whatever reason, etc.

 

Honestly, what's triggering her I think comes down to mental issues, and her decreasing patience and understanding for where I'm at in life. I suspect the pressure she's putting on me to marry her is coming from some fantasy that marrying me will solve all her issues overnight.

 

In doing so, however, she's been killing my desire for this relationship inch by inch until it's gone except for the rare moment here and there.

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, this relationship is done. It's gotten too toxic and one-sided. If she isn't willing to meet you half-way (and it doesn't sound as though she is) it won't work. The problems will only get much worse. Is that what you want for yourself?

 

Sorry OP, but you would be nuts to marry her.

[PrettyEmily77]

1. We're in our mid-20s.

2. Not recently, though we've had them in the past.

 

She is definitely not a good communicator much of the time, I'm afraid. I'm not the only person to have said this about her, mind you. She's admitted that she doesn't know what happens, but she just shuts down and can't do it, as well as my friends who've been present and been privy to some of our exchanges telling me afterward that she's really not putting in the effort at communicating that I am.

I'm very open with how I feel and am quick to discuss. She is the type to ignore problems or run away from them, rather than deal with them. It's been a major reason I've lost a lot of my enthusiasm for marrying her, because I need to know I can rely on her to help me face any issues life could throw our way.

 

She definitely has issues to deal with. Number one is her family. As I've said, they all have similar mood issues (which I think could be either bipolar or bpd related) and they don't always get along too well, especially with her. She also has terrible self-image issues, such as jumping between extreme dieting and then eating a lot.

 

That I've lost interest and am focusing on the bad points is possible, even probable, but I'm not sure that's the right order. The problems have always been there, but they've been manageable. She's just been getting worse, which even she admitted to me recently she doesn't know what's been wrong with her the last few months. She just seems so bitter at times. She goes from being depressed and making remarks about how she'd be better off dead or having suicidal thoughts, to being very irritable and talking about how this or that person isn't as good as she is for whatever reason, etc.

 

Honestly, what's triggering her I think comes down to mental issues, and her decreasing patience and understanding for where I'm at in life. I suspect the pressure she's putting on me to marry her is coming from some fantasy that marrying me will solve all her issues overnight.

 

In doing so, however, she's been killing my desire for this relationship inch by inch until it's gone except for the rare moment here and there.

 

Ok.

 

Looks like it's pretty mutual, tbh. She probably just can't see it yet.

 

Your communication styles don't seem like they're suited, ultimately. IME, very few people actually have mental issues that are so debilitating that they can't function properly in a relationship, especially if other things in their lives are working fine.

 

So IMO, it's either a timing issue (she needs to address some stuff, and you can support her if you're in it for the long haul - which I presume you are, given you wanted to marry her?) or an incompatibility issue (you two don't match). Unless there is actual physical violence or very serious abuse (which doesn't seem the case here), it's really just a case of you not being right for each other - you for her, and her for you.

[Boomerangmagnet]

She sounds like my ex wife. 24 years of abuse. Six years out and I'm still broken. The following link might give you some insight. There are hundreds of pages.

Relationship Stages, Abusive Women and the WTF Moment, Part One

[PrettyEmily77]

Yes, this relationship is done. It's gotten too toxic and one-sided. If she isn't willing to meet you half-way (and it doesn't sound as though she is) it won't work. The problems will only get much worse. Is that what you want for yourself?

 

Sorry OP, but you would be nuts to marry her.

 

The thing is - it's one-sided because we here are only getting half of the story...

 

I am always wary of people describing their SOs as mental cases when there is zero sign of self-reflection - I've seen enough perfectly mentally sound friends IRL tearing each other apart because they were ultimately incompatible but simply refused to admit to it and finding various mental conditions to explain it.

 

I agree the relationship is probably done, though.

[WintersKnight]

In terms of being mental case, I'd hate to put it that way, but it's not only my own conclusion.

 

Her own mother has told her she has issues, and some of my friends and family have told me the same. She herself has admitted various things from time to time. That she might be bipolar was her own suggestion, as well.

 

In terms of self-reflection, I'm not 100% sane either I suppose.

 

I was raised by someone also with very similar mood issues. I'm actually use to being treated badly, but it's also had an effect on me as well. The result is that I'm actually more prone to worrying and being anxious when someone is in a mood, particularly if it's directed at me, which is one reason it's been hard. There have been times just letting me know she was okay would have helped a great deal, but she would instead just give me the silent treatment whenever I'd ask if she was alright.

 

The other part of that is I know how hurtful it is, and so whenever I have a mood or something coming on myself, I always make an effort to not let it effect everyone. Not always successful, but even my girlfriend has told me that if I hadn't admitted it, she'd never know that I myself suffer from depression.

 

There's some resentment there as well, I suppose. I grew up learning to treat others well, even if I was having a bad day, to the best of my ability, but she was never taught that it seems. It always hurt when it felt like I wasn't getting the emotional effort back I put in.

[PrettyEmily77]

In terms of being mental case, I'd hate to put it that way, but it's not only my own conclusion.

 

Her own mother has told her she has issues, and some of my friends and family have told me the same. She herself has admitted various things from time to time. That she might be bipolar was her own suggestion, as well.

 

In terms of self-reflection, I'm not 100% sane either I suppose.

 

I was raised by someone also with very similar mood issues. I'm actually use to being treated badly, but it's also had an effect on me as well. The result is that I'm actually more prone to worrying and being anxious when someone is in a mood, particularly if it's directed at me, which is one reason it's been hard. There have been times just letting me know she was okay would have helped a great deal, but she would instead just give me the silent treatment whenever I'd ask if she was alright.

 

The other part of that is I know how hurtful it is, and so whenever I have a mood or something coming on myself, I always make an effort to not let it effect everyone. Not always successful, but even my girlfriend has told me that if I hadn't admitted it, she'd never know that I myself suffer from depression.

 

There's some resentment there as well, I suppose. I grew up learning to treat others well, even if I was having a bad day, to the best of my ability, but she was never taught that it seems. It always hurt when it felt like I wasn't getting the emotional effort back I put in.

 

Ok.

 

Steering away from medical diagnoses for a minute (those really need to be put aside, if you're not a professional), I'd advise you to look into your attachment styles.

 

You say you feel worried and anxious with her, that the effort you put in isn't reciprocated and that when you voice your feelings, you are met with the silent treatment - the more you push, the more she pulls, so the more she pulls, the more you push, right? Looks to me like you are in fact triggering each other's issues, and that you both need to work on yourselves.

 

I know from experience - exactly the same pattern with one of my exes. I'm now in a very healthy, happy relationship but it took years/a lot of mistakes to get to know myself and know what makes me tick, and recognize stuff in others I know I wouldn't be able to deal with.

 

You're better apart for now, for both your sakes.

Edited April 3, 2016 by PrettyEmily77

[Gaeta]

It's time to terminate this relationship unless you want your life to be a living hell for years ahead. I can't even come up with any reasons why you'd want to marry a woman like this, and I am shocked you'd consider this woman to be good 'mother' material for your children.

[WintersKnight]

Thanks everyone.

 

The consensus is that it's done, it seems, at least for now. (That link above gave me a couple chills, as I recognized some of that in our relationship.)

 

I keep coming to that conclusion myself, as have some of my friends, but I wanted some more objective opinions so I didn't make a mistake.

 

It's just that it's so hard to do. I hate to ruin any good moments she's having, or to hurt her feelings. My gut tells me I need to, but I just don't know how, when, etc.

 

We're kind of long distance as well- not too insanely long distance, but a few hours' drive. Close enough for visits when the schedule is open, but not close enough that we'd have to see each other everyday if we break up.

 

I've considered writing a letter, in that case, but I'm not sure if that's the right thing. I just don't know how to do it.

[xpaperxcutx]

The both of you brought up the issue of wanting to break-up; if that's the case then this relationship has run its course.

 

 

Stop thinking you're going to hurt her feelings, she's going to be hurt regardless.

 

Be a good guy and meet up with her to let her know. Or be the douchebag and send her a text.

 

 

Don't tell her you can be friends because that would be stringing her along. Just be honest that things are not the same anymore and the both of you need space from each other.

[PrettyEmily77]

Thanks everyone.

 

The consensus is that it's done, it seems, at least for now. (That link above gave me a couple chills, as I recognized some of that in our relationship.)

 

I keep coming to that conclusion myself, as have some of my friends, but I wanted some more objective opinions so I didn't make a mistake.

 

It's just that it's so hard to do. I hate to ruin any good moments she's having, or to hurt her feelings. My gut tells me I need to, but I just don't know how, when, etc.

 

We're kind of long distance as well- not too insanely long distance, but a few hours' drive. Close enough for visits when the schedule is open, but not close enough that we'd have to see each other everyday if we break up.

 

I've considered writing a letter, in that case, but I'm not sure if that's the right thing. I just don't know how to do it.

 

It could just be a timing thing and once you've both sorted things out in your own heads and in your own time, you'd be ready to reconnect but yeah, better to part ways before it gets too ugly for both/either of you.

 

Do it as soon as possible, in person if logistically possible or in a letter if it's easier for you.

 

She may be sad it's ending but seeing as she's no more happy than you are, she could very well be expecting it, or at the very least, be prepared for it.

[Boomerangmagnet]

Thanks everyone.

 

The consensus is that it's done, it seems, at least for now. (That link above gave me a couple chills, as I recognized some of that in our relationship.)

 

I keep coming to that conclusion myself, as have some of my friends, but I wanted some more objective opinions so I didn't make a mistake.

 

It's just that it's so hard to do. I hate to ruin any good moments she's having, or to hurt her feelings. My gut tells me I need to, but I just don't know how, when, etc.

 

We're kind of long distance as well- not too insanely long distance, but a few hours' drive. Close enough for visits when the schedule is open, but not close enough that we'd have to see each other everyday if we break up.

 

I've considered writing a letter, in that case, but I'm not sure if that's the right thing. I just don't know how to do it.

 

 

 

My experience included two attempts to get out, the second being successful. I don't know all of the dynamics of your relationship, you or her, but I recognize some similar qualities of her personality. I moved some 800 miles away with no warning. She made a lot of promises, finally seemed to have the empathy I had craved for so long. I had 14 years invested in the relationship and longed for the person I had first met before she became the monster.

 

Clinging to hope, I allowed her to fly down a month later. Off the airport gate walks a woman that had lost 20 lbs. had a new wardrobe, hair and make-up. I knew I was in trouble. That week was the most wonderful I had experienced. Communication was great, had more sex than the last 13 years of the marriage combined and without the normal hangups she usually had.

 

I went back thinking she was a new woman. She pretended to be for a year.

Then the abuse became physical too. She had two affairs I am aware of. That was the impetus for me to get out and make it stick.

 

She ended up marrying one of the guys she was screwing around on me with.

 

Being that your relationship is somewhat long distance, I would bet with already has your replacement lined up. Mine did it while living in the same house. She will probably give you the boohoo and what can I do to make it better routine. Don't fall for it. I would not give her the news in person if I were you, at least not in a private setting. The rejection for a suspected borderline personality disorder person can send them into a rage you have never experienced before.

Be safe!

[jcromp]

OK, let me just tell you that any problems that you have now will not get better after you add the stresses of adulthood to it, meaning marriage, jobs, kids, etc. If your relationship isn't on solid ground before you add all these things into the mix, you're pretty much headed for trouble.

 

Of course, all relationships are two sided, but it sounds to me like she's a master manipulator. What it sounds like is that if things don't go exactly her way, she throws a fit and shuts you out. She's not an adult, she's a child. Whatever you do, don't get married unless you are 100% sure of your relationship, and it's obvious that you're not. It sounds like you're a very caring guy and I understand that you don't want to hurt her, but does that mean that you should stay in an unhappy relationship for the rest of your life? Of course not. Look at it this way. It's not fair to her either for you to stay in this relationship if you don't want to move forward and you're unhappy. It sounds like you're staying because you're used to being together.

 

Do yourself, and her, a favor and break it off. She wants to get married, and you don't. It's a simple as that. You deserve to be in a relationship that is happy and mutually satisfying.

[Boomerangmagnet]

Get ready for this if you can tell her it's over.

Hoovers: Don?t Let the Crazy Suck You Back In

[WintersKnight]

Get ready for this if you can tell her it's over.

Hoovers: Don?t Let the Crazy Suck You Back In

 

Wow. I might actually be kind of in that right now.

 

The other day I laid out how her moods were affecting me and that I'd thought about taking time apart, as I mentioned. I told her exactly why I was hesitant at the thought of moving and marriage and such now.

 

She got really quiet, and I left her alone. When she talked to me again, she didn't bring it up and was acting bright and happy and in love with me again. That went on for a couple to a few days. Now recently she's slowly getting back to nagging, bossy, and negative but hasn't quite had one of her severe mood swings in my direction yet. She does keep saying, "You don't love me like you used to" and acting sad though.