When your girlfriend says "It's all getting a bit much"

[True Gent]

Ok so I met my GF in Feb this year. We hit it off straight away, everything has been fantastic and all very much a mutual and natural two way thing.

 

She has an unusual shift pattern which means we only have certain days to see each other. That's fine with me, it's good to retain your own space too. The thing is we make plans for the days she has free form work, then occasionally when these days arrive she backs out and has made excuses not to see me.

 

We had planned a week in advance for this weekend, on Saturday she was going to meet my Mum and on Sunday I was going to meet her parents. Friday night arrives and she drops hints via text about seeing my Mum on Sunday instead of Saturday. I ask her for clarification about why and she avoids the question.

 

Saturday arrives and she makes excuses via text saying she'd rather see my mum on the Sunday and she wants the Saturday to her self, she needs some "me time". Considering we haven't seen each other for a week I found this a bit odd.

 

Now I don't think it was unreasonable of me to express that I wasn't happy about this change of plan so late. Meeting my mum was a big deal to me and my mum is severely disabled and recently moved home. It's a big effort for her to meet new people and I just expressed my dissapointment to my GF.

 

I was civilised about how I handled it, but she then turned a little hostile and basically the whole of yesterday was a write off. My GF didn't want to talk to me and said she needed some space. I tried to phone but her phone was unavailable every time I tried to speak to her.

 

I sent her an email last night, explaining how I'd prefer to communicate with each other rather than feel I was being ignored because I expressed I wasn't happy about something.

 

I have received a responce this morning from her, she has told me she suffers terribly with depression and has done all of her life. She doesn't know when she is going to have a bad day and sometimes making plans is difficult. She didn't want to tell me so soon because she was worried it would put me off. That all makes sence regarding the recent events but I'm not sure what to make of this part of her message to me.

 

She has said this to me "I think I am realising that it's all a lot to take in. I wasn't expecting a new and exciting relationship to take off like it has and it's all a bit much."

 

She then says that she will talk to me about everything in time, but she needs "time out at the moment".

 

I'm really not sure what to think about this. If she has depression I'm willing to talk about it and be supportive, but how can something good such as a new relationship be a bit too much to take?

 

I'm posting here becuse I won't get any real sence or advice from anyone I know. Should I be prepared for things to be over before they have even really begun?

 

We've both been in long term relationships before this, me 9 years and her 10 years. We are both in our mid 30's and we've both been single for a couple of years since our LTRs until meeting each other.

 

I'm really a bit confused over this. I'm leaving her alone and I'll wait for her to contact me but I have a bad feeling about this...

[TaraMaiden2]

One: Quit communicating via texts and messages and try TALKING for a while.

Two: You have huge problems if she suffers from depression, and you are going to find yourself at the mercy of her mood-swings.

 

You cannot be her unofficial therapist and sounding-board.

 

Is she under a doctor for medication?

I hope so, otherwise there's a hell of a roller-coaster journey on the cards for you.

 

You now already have a taste of what life will be like with her.

 

If you want to invest in this as a set-pattern for your future, go right ahead, and gamble your life away.

 

If she didn't come clean about her depressive tendencies in the beginning, then that was a form of cover-up.

 

It has all gone to fast too soon for her to cope with.

 

I hate to tell you, but your pay-off does not balance your investment.

It may sound extreme advice, but in your shoes, I would end this.

And do it face to face.

[Emilia]

The tone of your post OP comes across quite controlling. It seems you want to 'seek clarification' when the other person doesn't want what you want. Also, maybe it's a bit soon to meet your mum? How long was it going to be for? Was your gf losing her full day for this or just a couple of hours?

[True Gent]

One: Quit communicating via texts and messages and try TALKING for a while.

Two: You have huge problems if she suffers from depression, and you are going to find yourself at the mercy of her mood-swings.

 

You cannot be her unofficial therapist and sounding-board.

 

Is she under a doctor for medication?

I hope so, otherwise there's a hell of a roller-coaster journey on the cards for you.

 

You now already have a taste of what life will be like with her.

 

If you want to invest in this as a set-pattern for your future, go right ahead, and gamble your life away.

 

If she didn't come clean about her depressive tendencies in the beginning, then that was a form of cover-up.

 

It has all gone to fast too soon for her to cope with.

 

I hate to tell you, but your pay-off does not balance your investment.

It may sound extreme advice, but in your shoes, I would end this.

And do it face to face.

 

Thank you for your post.

 

I'd like to clarify that talking instead of texting is EXACTLY what I want to do. She won't talk to me on the phone right now.

 

I don't know if she's on medication for the depression as I've only just discovered she has this problem. Until now I had no idea, our time together has been fantastic. There were no signs apart from a couple of times she has backed out of plans.

 

I hear what you are saying. I'd really like to hear what she's got to say about it, but she isn't exactly making it easy.

 

I know you're right, this is just a taste of what's to come. I've been through a lot myself, big breakup, my father died recently, my mum is depressed, redundancies at work... Yet I'm still going and I am ready to start again with someone new.

 

Why did I have to end up in this situation? Is it really too much to ask for something nice to happen?

[True Gent]

The tone of your post OP comes across quite controlling. It seems you want to 'seek clarification' when the other person doesn't want what you want. Also, maybe it's a bit soon to meet your mum? How long was it going to be for? Was your gf losing her full day for this or just a couple of hours?

 

I'm unsure about what seems controlling? We'd made plans for something and she backed out a little late in the day. I don't think it's wrong to want to talk to her about that? She'd agreed to see me and then without reason she decided she didn't want to.

 

Am I wrong to find that dissaopinting?

 

Meeting my mum was going to be a couple of hours. My GF and I had planned to spend the weekend together. We planned this last week.

Edited April 3, 2016 by True Gent

[Emilia]

I'm unsure about what seems controlling? We'd made plans for something and she backed out a little late in the day. I don't think it's wrong to want to talk to her about that? She'd agreed to see me and then without reason she decided she didn't want to.

 

I'm I wrong to find that dissaopinting?

 

Meeting my mum was going to be a couple of hours. My GF and I had planned to spend the weekend together. We planned this last week.

 

No, it's not wrong to be disappointed but I don't understand why that wasn't a phone conversation. 'She drops hints' via text. You text back to 'seek clarification'. 'Excuses not to see me', etc

 

Why are you spending full weekends together already? Isn't that too soon? Why are you meeting the parents already?

 

It sounds to me like she is feeling suffocated.

[True Gent]

No, it's not wrong to be disappointed but I don't understand why that wasn't a phone conversation. 'She drops hints' via text. You text back to 'seek clarification'. 'Excuses not to see me', etc

 

Why are you spending full weekends together already? Isn't that too soon? Why are you meeting the parents already?

 

It sounds to me like she is feeling suffocated.

 

We text every day. She works unusual hours and Its not always convenient to talk on the phone. We have talked on the phone this week, just not the last couple of days.

 

She mentioned in a text about changing to Sunday. I replied and said "I thought we were going to your parents on Sunday?" That's all that was.

 

When I say a full weekend we aren't staying at each other's houses. We go home to our own place at night and have our own time to sleep, shower have a break etc... It's not like we are living together.

 

Why spend so much time together? Well several days pass where we don't see each other and when we're together it's incredibly good. It's not like I've forced her to spend time with me. She has told me she loves being with me and always can't wait to see me.

 

She initiates when to see me and contact me just as much as I do her.

 

It was her suggestion to meet my mum, I didn't push that onto her. Neither have I pushed anything else onto her. Things have just naturally progressed which is why I'm posting here as I'm unsure of what's actually happening here!

 

It's all been going really well, she has been enthusiastic and full of suggestions. Now this weekend has arrived and it's all weird.

[Emilia]

Ok. So you don't spend the weekends together and it's been her pushing things just as much

 

In that case I agree that it's about her depression and that it is too much. No-one can expect you to carry the burden as she doesn't appear to function fully.

 

As a rule I don't date anyone on medication or mentally ill. Your values might be different but it's a decision you need to make. I'm guessing it's unlikely to get better

[True Gent]

Ok. So you don't spend the weekends together and it's been her pushing things just as much

 

In that case I agree that it's about her depression and that it is too much. No-one can expect you to carry the burden as she doesn't appear to function fully.

 

As a rule I don't date anyone on medication or mentally ill. Your values might be different but it's a decision you need to make. I'm guessing it's unlikely to get better

 

Thank you for your posts. I think initially you were misunderstanding me

 

Yeah it seems like she isn't functioning fully. I've never been in this position before. It's hard because meeting her really has been amazing, we've been getting along so well, there is loads of chemistry and she has such a kind nature.

 

I really think a lot of her.

 

I don't want to breakup with her, I've never had such a short relationship. I think actually getting to talk properly with her will help make up my mind.

 

So it seems she is actually overwhelmed by everything. Maybe she just isn't stable enough for a relationship?

 

Oh man...

[PrettyEmily77]

Yeah, I'd take her at her word.

 

Don't really know if it's linked to her depression or whether she is depressed at all (it's not clear whether it's your personal diagnosis or an actual medical diagnosis), but it's getting a bit too much for her, then that's that.

 

Doesn't necessarily mean she's mentally unstable though, or that the two are related.

[True Gent]

Yeah, I'd take her at her word.

 

Don't really know if it's linked to her depression or whether she is depressed at all (it's not clear whether it's your personal diagnosis or an actual medical diagnosis), but it's getting a bit too much for her, then that's that.

 

Doesn't necessarily mean she's mentally unstable though, or that the two are related.

 

She has told me today that she suffers depression and has suffered a breakdown a couple of years ago. That's all I know, I'm assuming it's a medical diagnosis.

 

She's asked for space so I can't really find out anymore on that at the moment. I don't think she is mentally unstable, but she could be emotionally unstable.

 

That's how I understand depression, uncontrollable negative emotions.

[PrettyEmily77]

She has told me today that she suffers depression and has suffered a breakdown a couple of years ago. That's all I know, I'm assuming it's a medical diagnosis.

 

She's asked for space so I can't really find out anymore on that at the moment. I don't think she is mentally unstable, but she could be emotionally unstable.

 

That's how I understand depression, uncontrollable negative emotions.

 

Ok.

 

Well, it will largely come down to how much you actually like each other and how invested in each other you already are. You can go at her pace and show her you'll be there for her if that's what you want to do, or you can go now if you're not sure you can handle it (nothing wrong with that, btw).

[True Gent]

Ok.

 

Well, it will largely come down to how much you actually like each other and how invested in each other you already are. You can go at her pace and show her you'll be there for her if that's what you want to do, or you can go now if you're not sure you can handle it (nothing wrong with that, btw).

 

Well up until now I'd say we both like each other an awful lot. Both equally invested at this stage. That's why this is all a bit of a shock.

 

She has said "I wasn't expecting a new and exciting relationship to take off like it has." Which I think is a good thing! New, exciting and taking off isn't exactly negative.

 

I'm willing to leave her be for a while and see when she wants to talk. It's only when I find out exactly how bad it is and what her coping methods are, that I can come to a conclusion on what's going to be best. I don't know if she sees a doctor about it or anything at this stage.

 

I really like her, finding her felt like I'd really found the diamond in the rough. She couldn't be more lovely, now this weekend has arrived and it's all up in the air!

[d0nnivain]

Depression isn't just uncontrollable negative emotions. It's like being in a giant black funnel & you are being forcibly dragged down by the out of control powerful vortex but can't stop it.

 

 

If she is working on the days you are apart, those work days are not "me time." If she is depressed, it is taking her Herculean amounts of effort to get out of bed & drag herself to work. You have no concept of how hard it is to even pick out what to wear & make it out of the house. In the throws of my depression, often my husband would come home from work & find me in my bathrobe, sobbing on the floor of my walk in closet because I was so overwhelmed. Although your GF made plans with you, by the time the day of the date came around, she had no more energy to function & needed down time. You pressuring her makes things worse not better.

 

 

She's trying so hard to tell you what she needs but you aren't listening nor are you being supportive.

 

 

Let her come to you. Stop pressuring her but do keep the door open. Stop trying to discuss these very emotional issues via text. When she cancels plans last minute, ask to rearrange them instead. Say "no problem. hon. What if I come over later with dinner?" The idea is you need to make things easier on her if you want her to understand that you both like her & support her.

[Mrin]

+1 on the concern about continuing to date her if she really does have clinical depression. I've been there dude - being in a relationship with a person suffering from depression is insanely hard. So hard that I am not entirely sure I could do it again. I don't know if you guys have the emotional bond yet to carry you through.

[True Gent]

Depression isn't just uncontrollable negative emotions. It's like being in a giant black funnel & you are being forcibly dragged down by the out of control powerful vortex but can't stop it.

 

 

If she is working on the days you are apart, those work days are not "me time." If she is depressed, it is taking her Herculean amounts of effort to get out of bed & drag herself to work. You have no concept of how hard it is to even pick out what to wear & make it out of the house. In the throws of my depression, often my husband would come home from work & find me in my bathrobe, sobbing on the floor of my walk in closet because I was so overwhelmed. Although your GF made plans with you, by the time the day of the date came around, she had no more energy to function & needed down time. You pressuring her makes things worse not better.

 

 

She's trying so hard to tell you what she needs but you aren't listening nor are you being supportive.

 

 

Let her come to you. Stop pressuring her but do keep the door open. Stop trying to discuss these very emotional issues via text. When she cancels plans last minute, ask to rearrange them instead. Say "no problem. hon. What if I come over later with dinner?" The idea is you need to make things easier on her if you want her to understand that you both like her & support her.

 

I do wonder how well some people read my initial post in this thread.

 

I think you are being overly harsh on myself. I don't think you have actually grasped the order in which events have taken place here.

 

Firstly all of her days off from work do not revolve around me. She has days off where she doesn't see me.

 

Second, I didn't know she had depression at all. Not one single clue about it! I am NOT putting pressure on her. We made plans TOGETHER days in advance and she cancels last minute without any real explanation. Plans which involved my family too.

 

Why would I say "oh yes that's fine dear". If I had of known about her problems it would of been different. If she doesn't tell me I can't act.

 

Discussing all of this via text isn't my choice. She WON'T TALK to me right now. I can't discuss the issue (which I wanted to do) because SHE WON'T.

 

I was trying to tell the tale of events as they unfolded, but I mustn't of made enough sence. I was trying to give the info here in an easy to read style that didn't take up 10 pages. The essential info is there, if you read it carefully.

 

I now know about her depression after yesterday's events didn't go to plan. I have since told her to take the time she needs and I'll be willing to talk when she feels like it. I have left her in peace since. How is that not supportive?

 

I know depression is a lot more than uncontrollable negative emotions. That was a very dumbed down explanation to another poster who thought I was implying she was mentally unstable, when I wasn't.

 

I've had best friends with depression, my mum has depression. I've been through enough trauma lately to know what it feels like to feel like crap and getting out of bed takes all of your effort and feels so pointless. Please refrain from the lectures thanks.

 

My question here was what did she mean when according to her this new exciting relationship is too much? I personally have no way of relating to something good being too much.

 

 

 

 

I'm sorry, but some of the comments here feel like personal insults and aren't called for. I've tried to explain the situation. Please read the post carefully and also my corresponding replies in the thread.

[True Gent]

I think this is an example of people worrying too much over the why of things and not enough over the what. When the person you are seeing does things that upset you, bother you, or you cannot handle, instead of sitting around trying to figure out why, maybe just decide if they are worth dealing with the what. In this situation, you have a girl who has depression, which she hid from you. She cancels plans on you at the last minute for no real reason, even important plans like meeting your family. When you tried discussing something with her in a civilized way, she flipped out on you. If I were you, I would be asking myself if she was worth all of this crap. With that question in mind, it is also important to consider that since this is just the early stages of your relationship, I would expect things to get worse, not better. Good luck.

 

Thank you!

 

Someone who has read and understood my posts. I know what you're saying and the same things are going through my mind.

 

Until she talks to me I can't really do anything or make any rash decisions, but thank you.

[d0nnivain]

My question here was what did she mean when according to her this new exciting relationship is too much? I personally have no way of relating to something good being too much.

 

 

I'm sorry, but some of the comments here feel like personal insults and aren't called for. I've tried to explain the situation. Please read the post carefully and also my corresponding replies in the thread.

 

 

I am truly apologetic if you feel insulted. That was not my purpose. What I was trying to explain to you is that now that you know she is depressed, that medical condition is playing a huge role in her decision making & is what is causing her to cancel plans with you. She could very well care but if she is telling you she feels overwhelmed you need to take her at her word

 

 

What you knew in the beginning is irrelevant. You now know she's depressed.

 

 

I have a high powered job. I have a high profile in my community & a great deal of education. That said I was trying to share with you my experience. Despite all those things I spend 4 years where I would end up on the floor of my closet sobbing for hours because I had no ability to so much as choose an outfit so I could get dressed. I skipped countless social & professional events because I couldn't leave my house. If your GF is experiencing that level of depression the fact that she is going to work means she has nothing left emotionally for anything else & that is why she's cancelling.

 

 

If you can't handle that -- and most people couldn't -- you are not required to continue in a relationship where you're needs are not being met.

 

 

I understood your post to indicate you wanted to try. What I said, which you didn't understand, was that it will take patience & sacrifice. She's not just going to snap out of it. Her medical condition is part of the package. If you can't or won't accept that this pattern of cancelled dates will happen frequently then don't date her. But please don't think that you can change her. That will take medication & years of therapy with a mental health professional.

[PrettyEmily77]

Well up until now I'd say we both like each other an awful lot. Both equally invested at this stage. That's why this is all a bit of a shock.

 

She has said "I wasn't expecting a new and exciting relationship to take off like it has." Which I think is a good thing! New, exciting and taking off isn't exactly negative.

 

I'm willing to leave her be for a while and see when she wants to talk. It's only when I find out exactly how bad it is and what her coping methods are, that I can come to a conclusion on what's going to be best. I don't know if she sees a doctor about it or anything at this stage.

 

I really like her, finding her felt like I'd really found the diamond in the rough. She couldn't be more lovely, now this weekend has arrived and it's all up in the air!

 

That's probably the right thing to do - it's never a good idea to act on impulse. Give yourselves both time to take stock of things and make an informed decision when you know more.

[Emilia]

Thank you!

 

Someone who has read and understood my posts. I know what you're saying and the same things are going through my mind.

 

Until she talks to me I can't really do anything or make any rash decisions, but thank you.

 

Your initial post wasn't worded well, others have the benefit of further posts that clarified that you didn't spend weekends together and that you weren't as pushy as you first appeared. Perhaps it pays to learn on your part that not everything is other people's fault all the time

[BlueIris]

I'd give her time and space.

[preraph]

If someone asks you for space, you need to tell them take as much as they need and please call you once they're feeling better. You cannot keep badgering her to talk to you. She needs space! She's overwhelmed, and you continue to be persistent and overwhelm her more. Let her rest up and have some time to herself. I am sorry it interfered with your plans and your mother's plans, but just tell your mother she's had a rough week at work and needs to rest up. She doesn't have to know anything else.

[True Gent]

I am truly apologetic if you feel insulted. That was not my purpose. What I was trying to explain to you is that now that you know she is depressed, that medical condition is playing a huge role in her decision making & is what is causing her to cancel plans with you. She could very well care but if she is telling you she feels overwhelmed you need to take her at her word

 

 

What you knew in the beginning is irrelevant. You now know she's depressed.

 

 

I have a high powered job. I have a high profile in my community & a great deal of education. That said I was trying to share with you my experience. Despite all those things I spend 4 years where I would end up on the floor of my closet sobbing for hours because I had no ability to so much as choose an outfit so I could get dressed. I skipped countless social & professional events because I couldn't leave my house. If your GF is experiencing that level of depression the fact that she is going to work means she has nothing left emotionally for anything else & that is why she's cancelling.

 

 

If you can't handle that -- and most people couldn't -- you are not required to continue in a relationship where you're needs are not being met.

 

 

I understood your post to indicate you wanted to try. What I said, which you didn't understand, was that it will take patience & sacrifice. She's not just going to snap out of it. Her medical condition is part of the package. If you can't or won't accept that this pattern of cancelled dates will happen frequently then don't date her. But please don't think that you can change her. That will take medication & years of therapy with a mental health professional.

 

Thank you so much for clarifying. I apologise if I was a little touchy earlier. It's been a strange weekend and it's a bit of blow after everything going so smoothly. I guess I'm a bit emotional about it so I'm sorry.

 

Finding out about her condition is a surprise, my initial post obviously isn't clear enough. It's hard to write it all down trying to include only the info I think is required. I didn't want to write such a long post that no one would read it.

 

I do appreciate that people are reading it and posting a responce. It does help, I'm just slightly frustrated at the posts that have tried to imply I'm pushy or I'm not listening to her. I honestly haven't done her any wrong. If I had of known in the first place I would of understood.

 

I understand what you are saying about this being a part of the package with her. How much I can deal with that will depend on how much she is willing to let me in and talk to me about it. I am a good listener and I've suffered with major anxiety as well as mild depression myself.

 

I have friends and family who suffer with depression so it's not at all alien to me. I just wish I'd known, I only wanted to speak to her about the cancellation of our plans before I even knew anything about this and she shut me out.

 

I didn't know how to react all I could do was try to call her, when that failed I sent an email trying to explain why I wanted to speak with her. I wasn't pushy or nasty, I was just very confused as to what was happening. It's after that when she emails me about her depression and asks for space.

 

I have no intentions of fixing her or changing her. I cannot do that and I don't want to that. The parts of her I've seen up until now I truly like a whole lot and I think she's an amazing person, I'd even say I love many things about her. I wouldn't want to change anything about her. She has made me feel love and passion again for the first time after a very dark period of time for me.

 

Now I know about the possibility of cancellations and her possibly being distant, I can at least be prepared for it and understand why. Until she speaks to me I can't predict the outcome. I'm going to have to have a think about it as and when she approaches me.

 

If someone asks you for space, you need to tell them take as much as they need and please call you once they're feeling better. You cannot keep badgering her to talk to you. She needs space! She's overwhelmed, and you continue to be persistent and overwhelm her more. Let her rest up and have some time to herself. I am sorry it interfered with your plans and your mother's plans, but just tell your mother she's had a rough week at work and needs to rest up. She doesn't have to know anything else.

 

I think if you read the whole thread again more will become clear. I obviously haven't come across properly and that wasn't my intention.

 

I have given her the space she has asked for. If you read through every post again you'll see how events unfolded and hopefully see that I haven't actually done anything wrong.

[True Gent]

Your initial post wasn't worded well, others have the benefit of further posts that clarified that you didn't spend weekends together and that you weren't as pushy as you first appeared. Perhaps it pays to learn on your part that not everything is other people's fault all the time

 

 

Ok I obviously need to apologise to you all for my lack of clarity on the situation. I was kinda bewildered when I typed the first post and I didn't want to write a massive post no one was going to read.

 

I've not made it clear how things unfolded and that is my fault. Could I ask anyone who posts to please read the whole thread and all of my posts within the thread to complete the picture.

 

Thanks all for your replies and for taking the time to reply.

 

Apologies again for being a touchy douche, I'm human

[preraph]

 

I have given her the space she has asked for. If you read through every post again you'll see how events unfolded and hopefully see that I haven't actually done anything wrong.

 

But just because she needs space doesn't mean YOU did anything wrong. Just means you need to give her space, meaning not contact until she does. I didn't misread your original post. She said she needed space, and you kept trying to call her and she was unavailable, your words, so then you emailed her -- all after she asked you for space. You didn't respect her wish to have space.

 

Again, not saying you did anything to create this overall situation but when someone says I need space, that means leave me alone because I'm not ready to talk yet and to be insistent is disrespectful of her feelings. I get the impression that since you only recently met, this is just moving too fast for her.