Jump to content

Reality of breakup/ex visiting soon/getting back together?

flamingo_legs

By flamingo_legs
in Breaks and Breaking Up

 Share
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

flamingo_legs Member

flamingo_legs

Posted
Posted

Hi everyone!

 

First post.

 

I dated a man for 3 years I had fallen hard in love for. He's a New Zealand native, and part of the reason I moved to NZ was to see what would happen with him. So we had an amazing 3 years, and things were getting steadily better and better and we were growing.

 

Then he broke up with me the day he leaves to Los Angeles to live (he had flown overseas a few times before) in mid January. My plans are to move to Los Angeles as well.

 

Ive been in shambles.

 

When he broke it off with me that day, he said that we should have known if we were going to get married after 3 years of being together. That I should be thinking about if I want to have kids, and I would be wasting my time with him, because he saw things between us getting worse and worse.

 

We've been chatting around 3 hours each week since he left, and emailing as well. He said things like the relationship didn't feel "right" and he had unspecified "doubts" from time to time. He also didn't know what he was supposed to feel when choosing someone to marry.

 

He does want to get married by the way, and have kids.

 

He thinks of me as a "dream girl" and listed my qualities. He doesn't like to think about those qualities and not being with me.

 

We stopped talking about serious stuff once he bought a brand new car in the USA and now that's all he talks about. I know he misses me, and I feel like the car is something new to focus on.

 

I believe we're made for each other. He's a strange, intense guy and I know he's not for everyone. He's the perfect physical ideal for me. Weird things happened that I feel were signs that we were going to be together... when I flew overseas, I sat next to a man on the plane who was visiting his fiance' in the USA, his name was the same as my boyfriends, and his fiance' had my name. Freaky. Also, when my parents met his, my dad and his were basically twins, they were wearing the same outfit and colors (except the colors were swapped.. grey on top and green on the bottom for my dad)

 

 

So now he's visiting the end of April, and I offered him to stay with me. I have a sleep-out studio so he could stay there. I am thinking about the conversations we might have when he's here.

 

I've come to the conclusion that he's a low emotional intelligence, high IQ guy, who has comittment issues and cold feet.

 

I wonder if it's useful to tell him these things. Because he seems to want to find a solution as well, as he's been receptive about stuff like this since we broke up. He sounds lost and doesn't know what to do. His tone has changed from the day we broke up. However I don't want to seem desperate, but I feel like I need to see it through and at least try.

 

I wonder if it was too big of a step for him to think about the move, and also about continuing with us.

 

3 months since the breakup I feel worse than ever. I think it's starting to become real. I hold onto hope that he will commit.

 

Thoughts? Any hope of us getting back together?

Deidre Established Member

Deidre

Posted
Posted

I wonder if there is someone else. I'd be careful with your heart, now.

  • Author
flamingo_legs Member

flamingo_legs

Posted
  • Author
Posted
I wonder if there is someone else. I'd be careful with your heart, now.

 

you mean while we were together?

TaraMaiden2 Established Member

TaraMaiden2

Posted
Posted
you mean while we were together?

 

Actually, it doesn't matter whether it's then, or now.

You're broken up, right?

I mean, he ended the relationship, right?

Then -

 

why are you still communicating with him?!

It's over!

He is no longer exclusive with you, and he's using you. Keeping you simmering because I guarantee it - if he comes to stay with you, there will be sex. (Hence the photos he's been sending you!)

Of course there will.

But he will still tell you you're an ex.

 

Please, for your own sanity, self-protection and peace of mind, you absolutely have to, must go No Contact!

Read NC Guide in my signature.

 

Otherwise, keeping in touch with you will just string you along, shatter your heart and keep you longing.

He's broken up with you. That means you are not important enough to him, to stay with you as a relationship partner.

 

You do not matter to him as much as you deserve to.

 

If you did, he would make efforts to reconcile, make this work and turn heaven and earth to be with you.

 

He's using you as an emotional crutch.

Please, back away and quit this now.

 

Otherwise, I see things going very badly for you.

  • Author
flamingo_legs Member

flamingo_legs

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)
Actually, it doesn't matter whether it's then, or now.

You're broken up, right?

I mean, he ended the relationship, right?

Then -

 

why are you still communicating with him?!

It's over!

He is no longer exclusive with you, and he's using you. Keeping you simmering because I guarantee it - if he comes to stay with you, there will be sex. (Hence the photos he's been sending you!)

Of course there will.

But he will still tell you you're an ex.

 

Please, for your own sanity, self-protection and peace of mind, you absolutely have to, must go No Contact!

Read NC Guide in my signature.

 

Otherwise, keeping in touch with you will just string you along, shatter your heart and keep you longing.

He's broken up with you. That means you are not important enough to him, to stay with you as a relationship partner.

 

You do not matter to him as much as you deserve to.

 

If you did, he would make efforts to reconcile, make this work and turn heaven and earth to be with you.

 

He's using you as an emotional crutch.

Please, back away and quit this now.

 

Otherwise, I see things going very badly for you.

 

Thanks for this, it's hard to come to terms with that we're over..

 

My story is that he dumped me the day he left for the USA, completely out of the blue. So it's been very traumatic, my first real breakup.

 

But i HAVE been making excuses for him, because he feels ****ty as well. It makes me feel better that he's been feeling ****ty, and gives me hope of course. That's probably why he's been stringing me along because he really didn't want to hurt me. What's weird is that his mom messaged me on facebook saying it was the best thing, and that I'm welcome at their place any time. I'm pretty conflicted with visiting her of course. I feel she is being cruel also (which probably isn't true because she's a caring person)

 

Yeah this is all going to hit me in the face if/when he starts dating someone else. I know I won't know how I will feel when that happens, but I guess it's worth starting the healing process now, that I will heal quicker.

 

I do already feel like #2. I haven't found the strength to care about that though. It's a goal I can work towards though. I'm still very emotionally messed up.

 

Thankfully he just bought a new car and that's his girlfriend right now.

 

He has always stayed friends with his ex girlfriends, I guess that's how they do it in New Zealand. However neither of them had a relationship like ours. the most recent one, before me, broke up with HIM and they had conflicting personalities. But we are all good friends and would hang out regularly, with her husband too.

 

I don't want to be another girlfriend on the shelf that is ok with being dumped...

 

(can you tell i read your NC thread?)

Edited by flamingo_legs
dyna85 Established Member

dyna85

Posted
Posted

As painful as it is, and regardless of all of signs you've seen that it's meant to be, the writing is on the wall that this relationship has concluded. He dumped you and his mom said it's for the best.

 

I definitely do not think someone who is made for you would break up with you and then act cool with it. He doesn't seem to be demonstrating any residual feelings or second thoughts regarding the matter, and I think it's in your best interest to distance yourself from him and cut contact, and I think you will be disappointed if you maintain an open line of communication and it's likely to leave you further confused and hoping.

 

You don't have to be like his exes who are okay with being friends. If that's not you, that's not you.

 

As bad as it seems right now, it will get better and I think clarity will come in time to help you see that the signs were not all that they seemed and that you are better off with someone who values you and doesn't question whether or not he wants to be with you for the long haul.

TaraMaiden2 Established Member

TaraMaiden2

Posted
Posted

I would, in your shoes, advise him that staying in contact is hurting you a lot, and that it's prolonging the agony. Much as you want to be friends, you can't be friends with him RIGHT NOW.

 

He dumped you, so you need time to get over him, move on and heal. Perhaps then, you will re-connect with him.

Until such a time as YOU feel ready to re-establish contact, YOU are going to go No Contact and keep any interaction to the absolute bare minimum.

 

Be civil, but be distant, and be monosyllabic.

 

Do not let him come and stay, and try to avoid being close to him, or being alone with him and talking to him about anything, particularly if it's (a) begun by him and (b) trivial.

 

A friend of mine dumped by a guy to whom she was engaged, told him by skype that she was going No Contact - but she did it with A3-sized placards on which she wrote her message. A bit like that

where he displays the lyrics on boards...

She hid behind the boards and just let him read them one at a time. Once finished, she just looked at the camera, waved, and closed down. She never saw or spoke to him again. Bit drastic, but it worked.... ;)

kidm Established Member

kidm

Posted
Posted

This sounds like something my cousin went through except the guy was moving from New York to Cali. She thought she would move to Cali to be with him after graduating in a year but when it came time for him to move, he broke it off and came up with a myriad of reasons (I'm not ready to settle down and have kids yet, we didn't get to know each other as well as I would have liked and I'm not sure if I see a future, etc). Like your guy, they maintained contact (daily emails, etc.) for a couple of months, he would tell her how he missed her, etc. and then finally one day she had her own epiphany that she didn't want/need to stick around to see if the guy would change his feelings about her. She went no contact abruptly (i.e. quit responding to his daily emails) and stuck to her guns.

 

You are prolonging your own pain. He is probably "sampling" all that LA has to offer in terms of women. He doesn't want the old "ball and chain" girlfriend to limit his freedom so he has cut you loose. I doubt he will change his mind.

 

I don't understand this excuse of maintaining contact because you will see him eventually. Why are you still trying to please a guy who has dumped you? So you go no contact and you bump into him again. Do you owe him anything? He decided he didn't want to be with you. Right now, you have become another one of the ex girlfriends who so badly want to be in his life, they are willing to play a position they don't really want to. He is not coming back. I doubt he wants to get back together and have you move to LA for him. He has made that clear. Get a hold of your dignity and move on.

  • Like 1
  • Author
flamingo_legs Member

flamingo_legs

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Hi everyone, just an update on me, Ive been reading the famous book "he's scared, shes scared", and it's been giving me a lot of insight. It sounds like i am the "passsive" commitmmentphobe they talk about, its possibly one reason Ive been having a hard time wanting to move on, and specifically find someone who will commit to me, like you all are suggesting.

 

I don't really want to find that at the moment and i dont know if i ever will, as its been hard for me in the past when men pursue me. I feel theyre weak and not engaging or exciting. So ive got some issues to work through as well. It explains why i was so comfortable with this guy when we met, because he didnt go crazy over me at first.

 

Im also finding that i was very much living in a fantasy of noncommittment, and not wanting to stir things up and ask questions. That resulted

probably in us not being ready to take the next step, and prematurely cut

it off.

 

Now im reading the "getting to commitment " book :)

 

My ex is coming in two weeks now, staying for two weeks. Ive already written a small novel about my thoughts and what we might talk about. At least, it's given me something to work on.

 

All this has actually helped me with some closure and healing as well.

 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...