TheBathWater Posted April 3, 2016 Posted April 3, 2016 (edited) I am ashamed by how much hurt I am still feeling from a relationship with a woman I ended almost two months ago. We were only together two months, but the level of injury I'm experiencing in the aftermath has me feeling pretty embarrassed. She was absolutely awful toward me. I don't need to recount all the details here, but I haven't met one person so far who didn't say she was a horrible girlfriend with a lot of issues. She was sneaking around behind my back with other guys, gave me a yeast infection, never communicated with me, humiliated me on Valentine's Day, lashed out at me for her own failures outside of the relationship, got me to say I love you then didn't say it back ever again, took advantage of me financially, etc... I keep hoping I'll come home and she'll be at my doorstep to apologize to me, say how great I was to her, how much she's learned in my absence and now wants to get to know me again. Sometimes I drive by her house, I don't know why. I'll ask people in my neighborhood if they've seen her out with anyone new. Some weeks I don't do this at all, others I can't help myself. The thing is, I know I could never take another chance on her. I also know that it's not HER that I miss. I'm not even sure it's the 'feeling' I miss from when I was with her, because my feelings were rarely secure or hopeful. She was the worst thing that happened to me in a long time. I can only imagine she opened an unresolved childhood wound in me and that for me this is about trying to right a wrong from the past and feel like I'm good enough for someone. I don't regress this much for this long after a breakup. I feel diminished as a man. Meanwhile, I continue to meet and date other women, but I just can't seem to get excited about anyone and form a connection. I worry I am getting a negative perception of women and don't believe monogamy or relationships work anymore. I am fighting with myself often and doing whatever I can to move forward, but I feel that this is where it's at right now. I don't know what insight or advice (if any) others can offer me. I just had to get this out somewhere somehow because it is eating me inside. I just can't get over how awful this person was toward me. I'm 32 and can't remember feeling this injured since my early twenties. It's embarrassing. I'm in therapy, going to the gym, eating right, all of that stuff... but this one really hit me hard. Edited April 3, 2016 by TunaInTheBrine 2
loveiswar101 Posted April 3, 2016 Posted April 3, 2016 Sorry to hear this buddy, like myself even though just a short time with a woman you probably like me got to invested. You have said how bad she was to you, if this was a friend and you were treated like this, the friend would be no longer. Seems your doing all the right things, exercise and eating well are the two most important. Secondly take pride in who you are as a human being. Why waste time and emotions on someone who does not reciprocate. Be strong and move on, socialize and get out there, meet new people, she will soon be forgotten and you will flourish. Best Wishes 1
The_Dork_Lard Posted April 3, 2016 Posted April 3, 2016 It might be that somebody SO bad had the audacity to treat you that badly, and it's massively impacted on your self worth - it suggests you don't even deserve a POS like her. That's my gut feeling from your post. 2
Author TheBathWater Posted April 3, 2016 Author Posted April 3, 2016 Sorry to hear this buddy, like myself even though just a short time with a woman you probably like me got to invested. You have said how bad she was to you, if this was a friend and you were treated like this, the friend would be no longer. Yeah, exactly. The thing is she used to say sweet things to me like "I want a future with you", "you're special to me", "I've never felt this way about anyone before", "you're the most attractive man I've ever been with", "my coworkers keep teasing me for being so into you", and then the one night she was the one to initiate the phrase "I love you." It's things like THAT that really screw me up. It would be so much easier if it were straightforward, but I really did believe her when she said some of those things. However, her overall behavior wasn't matching up. I kept trying to ignore my gut until things came to a head and I found out she was giving her number out to other men, flirting and planning a date. The whole experience was a total mind****. 1
Author TheBathWater Posted April 3, 2016 Author Posted April 3, 2016 It might be that somebody SO bad had the audacity to treat you that badly, and it's massively impacted on your self worth - it suggests you don't even deserve a POS like her. That's my gut feeling from your post. Bingo. It totally did a number on my sense of self-worth, which is otherwise healthy. I just can't believe this woman would do the things she did to me. She really did look very sweet and kind; I just can't believe it still. 1
dreamingoftigers Posted April 3, 2016 Posted April 3, 2016 Well this totally sucks. The only thing I might be able to offer you is a little glimpse into what goes on after an abusive relationship. You're finding out now how addictive they can be, and how hard they can be to let go of, regardless of how rotten you know they are. I would characterize the short-lived relationship you had with her as abusive. Abuse is kind of like a robbery of you self-esteem. Pretty much like having your wallet stolen. Something inside you REALLY wants that wallet back with damn apology, yesterday! And you know where the perp lives, you know exactly the goods you want restored etc. But you haven't a hope in Hell of getting it back. In fact, by interacting with her any further etc, the only thing you'll get is further emotional / psychological injury. Almost like her waving your wallet around going "oh you want this? Oh oh oh you can't have it, ha ha! Maybe if you wouldn't have [left it on the table when you went to the bathroom for example], you would still have your self-esteem, HA HA!" Some people go on serious quests for their abuser to like them post-abuse. Give them that validation. Feed them s little false hope. Yeah, it's a hard pill to swallow. Buddy, seriously, Pat yourself on the back. You got OUT of this. Assess what was lost and try ANYWAY YOU CAN to make it up to YOURSELF. Treat yourself REALLY REALLY nicely Self-esteem, like money can be replaced. And it certainly doesn't mean that everyone is a thief either. I'm sorry you went through this garbage. 2
Satu Posted April 3, 2016 Posted April 3, 2016 (edited) Two months is nothing when it comes to recovering from a breakup; so you can't justly blame yourself for not being further along. I also had a hard time recovering from a breakup with someone who treated me badly. I also think it was partly about unresolved issues earlier in my life, which were addressed and resolved in long-term therapy. Do you think it's a good idea to date so soon after this breakup? I spent two years alone while I went through therapy, and I think it really helped. Other people can be a distraction. You don't need to feel ashamed that you're still in pain. You'll get through it quicker if you don't judge yourself harshly for feeling the way you feel. The only thing I would suggest is that you should think about the wisdom of dating so soon after the breakup. You'll get there. Make the journey easy on yourself. Take care. Edited April 3, 2016 by Satu 2
The_Dork_Lard Posted April 3, 2016 Posted April 3, 2016 Bingo. It totally did a number on my sense of self-worth, which is otherwise healthy. I just can't believe this woman would do the things she did to me. She really did look very sweet and kind; I just can't believe it still. Same thing happened to me once, mate. A 3 month fling took me 9 months to get over. I remember a month or so after breaking up, lying on my bedroom floor gasping for breath having panic attacks over it all. She was sweet as pie, until the abrupt end, and left me in a state similar to you. It was the only time my best friend of 20 years has seen me cry. He had to hold me in his arms I was so inconsolable, lol. You'll get over it man. It may take another few months, but you'll get there. Time is your friend here. 3
Author TheBathWater Posted April 3, 2016 Author Posted April 3, 2016 Two months is nothing when it comes to recovering from a breakup; so you can't justly blame yourself for not being further along. I also had a hard time recovering from a breakup with someone who treated me badly. I also think it was partly about unresolved issues earlier in my life, which were addressed and resolved in long-term therapy. Do you think it's a good idea to date so soon after this breakup? I spent two years alone while I went through therapy, and I think it really helped. Other people can be a distraction. You don't need to feel ashamed that you're still in pain. You'll get through it quicker if you don't judge yourself harshly for feeling the way you feel. The only thing I would suggest is that you should think about the wisdom of dating so soon after the breakup. You'll get there. Make the journey easy on yourself. Take care. Two months seems like nothing, and it is when speaking objectively. The mark this left though is going to outlast that duration for sure, hence the shame and embarrassment. I do feel like I can date other women, and that it's probably in my best interest. I need to see not all women are this awful. Being alone and waiting this out won't help. If I felt I couldn't take an interest in anyone, I would be fair and take some time alone. I still want to meet other women, but I'm just finding it hard to get excited because my brain remembers what happened the last time that I did. 2
loveiswar101 Posted April 3, 2016 Posted April 3, 2016 The thing is she used to say sweet things to me like "I want a future with you", "you're special to me", "I've never felt this way about anyone before", "you're the most attractive man I've ever been with", "my coworkers keep teasing me for being so into you", and then the one night she was the one to initiate the phrase "I love you." People sometimes say what they believe at the time, but in reality ACTIONS speak louder than words in the long run. You say she treated you like dirt. Enough is enough I say!! Again be strong, pull out a piece of string, stretch it out, this is your whole life. this 2 months you were with her and the few months it will take to forget her won't even show on that piece of string, mot even a millimeter. Move on and find someone who will be part of that string... 1
Recommended Posts