UltimaWeapon Posted April 2, 2016 Posted April 2, 2016 (edited) Hello Loveshack, I have a quick question, I recently got out of a situation that I was in with this girl I was seeing for 2 months going onto 3 months where we went on 12 dates in that time frame. From the beginning she wanted to take things slow and not rush into anything right away. We agreed and decided to take things slow. I found out a few days ago by her telling me that she was still not ready to commit or at least be exclusive with me. She was not ready for a relationship- had baggage from her last one, was not sure if she was over it. She has only been seeing me since we started going on dates but she just did not want to commit to just me at this point. However, she still wanted to go on dates with me and see me but she did not want me to expect her to commit to anything more serious anytime soon and that I shouldn't wait for her to be ready because she wasn't sure when that would be. I told her we weren't on the same page and said it would not work out if we continued to see each other because we both wanted different things and left it at that- We have been NC for about 4 days now. Question I have is: - How many dates should you go on and expect exclusivity? - What is generally the amount of dates before you decide you want to just focus on this person? (I guess it depends on the person as well because some want it right after the first date as well) - Was I in the wrong to expect exclusivity after essentially 3 months and 12 dates? How I always saw it: * Exclusivity is not BF/GF or "OFFICIAL" it just means that you are committed to going on dates/seeing/sleeping with that person only and deciding to focus on being with them to see where things go. BF/GF- "OFFICIAL": Would be the next step forward after exclusivity - you see some sort of future together Something along the lines of you see the person a few times a week..you meet the family and friends- you go to events as a couple- you just take the next step forward in terms of how serious the relationship is. I hate putting labels on things but it seems on this day and age if you don't outline where you stand with someone or what you are- it is never good to assume and I find 90 % of the time people aren't on the same page especially if you are just dating. Edited April 2, 2016 by UltimaWeapon
fitnessfan365 Posted April 2, 2016 Posted April 2, 2016 Of course opinions will differ. But for me personally, being "exclusive" means that person is your BF or GF. I mean how are you going to say that you're exclusive with someone but not in a relationship with them? That logic makes no sense to me. BTW - That's pretty brutal that you have sex for the first time and then right after she says she doesn't want a relationship. I'm guessing the sex didn't do it for her. 3
d0nnivain Posted April 2, 2016 Posted April 2, 2016 There's no magic number. It's different for everybody. This woman has already said she wants to go slow & doesn't want labels. Believe her. If you push for the labels and something defined you will spook her. If you need those things at this point, she's not your girl. 1
Author UltimaWeapon Posted April 2, 2016 Author Posted April 2, 2016 Of course opinions will differ. But for me personally, being "exclusive" means that person is your BF or GF. I mean how are you going to say that you're exclusive with someone but not in a relationship with them? That logic makes no sense to me. BTW - That's pretty brutal that you have sex for the first time and then right after she says she doesn't want a relationship. I'm guessing the sex didn't do it for her. She has been saying that since the beginning when we started going on dates that she did not want to commit or want a relationship anytime soon. I just told her that we would take things slow and not rush into anything and she agreed. She wanted to continue to see me and go on dates and all that she just didn't want me to get the wrong impression that she wanted a relationship with me anytime soon and felt she was leading me on in a way. I found that she wanted to have her cake and eat it too and that is why I told her we weren't on the same page in terms of that and ended it. Was that the right thing to do? Im still kinda confused on If I made the right choice- but I felt that after 3 months..I wanted her to at least commit to seeing just me
fitnessfan365 Posted April 3, 2016 Posted April 3, 2016 No offense man. But this one is on you. She told you from the very beginning she didn't want a commitment/relationship. So you shouldn't have gone into it thinking you could change her mind. 3
d0nnivain Posted April 3, 2016 Posted April 3, 2016 Since you were not on the same page, it was fine for you to end things. Your needs were not getting met. You didn't have a real choice. 1
Gaeta Posted April 3, 2016 Posted April 3, 2016 Ex-boyfriend asked to be exclusive on our 3rd date. Current boyfriend confirmed exclusivity after our 5th date. It's no brain surgery, usually by the 4th date (or 1 month) you know if your interest in growing or declining. I would never invest 3 months into someone without being exclusivity. I would never date someone that tells me from the start they have a problem with exclusivity and need time. I was in the business of finding a boyfriend, not in the business of being some guys transition girl. 1
ad4m Posted April 5, 2016 Posted April 5, 2016 Ex-boyfriend asked to be exclusive on our 3rd date. Current boyfriend confirmed exclusivity after our 5th date. It's no brain surgery, usually by the 4th date (or 1 month) you know if your interest in growing or declining. I would never invest 3 months into someone without being exclusivity. I would never date someone that tells me from the start they have a problem with exclusivity and need time. I was in the business of finding a boyfriend, not in the business of being some guys transition girl. I agree. There is no point being with someone for 3 months and not being exclusive. It depends on the people really. I think exclusivity and 'being official' are basically the same thing to be honest. My girlfriend and I became exclusive/official after about 4 or 5 dates (which included new years), which were over about a month. It really does depend on the people involved. Although, I would be cautious especially as she has told you not to expect her to commit any time soon.
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